She has no friends, no job, no life

[lm1109]

I just cant take it anymore! Im 27 and a mother of 3 amazing little boys... . 5, almost 2, and 6 months. Luckily I have a VERY supportive understanding husband that I have been with since I was 18... and even HE is completly fed up with my Mother! I just dont know what to do anymore. In my mind I guess I believed or maybe hoped that thing would get better, but she is getting MUCh worse everytime I talk to her. She LIES about EVERYTHING! She believes she is ALWAYS deathly sick! And she lives in this delusional world where she is mother and grandmother of the flipping world... and even though I grew up with her and even though she does NOTHING for me and my children EVER (except stress life out) she still expects me to feed into it! Most mothers help thier daughters out when they grow up and become mothers. My mom is unemployed, has no responsibilties and STILL will not help me out with ANYthing! During my pregnancies I had to ask her for the help of watching my kid/kids so I could go to dr appointments... and everytime I would end up upset because she made me feel so bad. she acted like it was totally inconveniant, and like I was using her( for that whole hour a month!) And yet... . she will call me up and tell me how she tells people about how MUCH she does for me. The times that I call her out on it... . she acts like IM crazy... and that she helps ALL the time! Delusional! Any rare occasion we are with her... . this Easter for example... there is always an issue! We did our REAL Easter with my husbands family. However, I still felt the need to include my parents. I invited them over... cleaned, cooked a huge meal, made a little easter egg hunt for my kids out back so they could see it. Well... . my mom brought her dog and tied it up out back. The next day she called me PANICKED and told me her dog had diarrhea all night and she thought it was going to die, and she believes my kids must have fed it something! My kids were not even near her dog! (When my 5 year old was a baby she insisted that he fed her previous dog a fruit snack and rushed it to an emergency vet... the dog was fine and it was never fed a fruit snack) Another time she told me that my son turned on her gas stove and almost killed her! She also told me she is allergic to my house and she is DEATHLY sick everytime she is over(because we have a tree in our yard) If you are sick... she is 20 million times sicker! If you have a bug... . she instantly caught it! (my husband and I have actually fibbed about being sick just to see if she would "catch" it and she always does) She told me that she was on her floor crying because her dog causes her SO much stress... and that he has "behavioral problems" These are just recent stories I could go on and on and on! I dont know if she wants me to confront her or if she actually believes all of her crazy lies. Her dr refuses to give her antibiotics anymore unless there is proof she is sick because she was going in so much! She now hates her dr obviously! This rant was brought on because she decided to tell me today that everytime she talks to me she cries afterwards! WHAT? FYI... . she is also the QUEEN of MEAN! She has nasty comments about everything! She brutally teased me my whole life growing up like a bully! I was bulimic and my brother was an alcoholic who commited suicide at 24. Now Im her only kid and she has no friends, no job, no life... nothing to focus on but me! Overwhelmed is an understatement! My husband is fed up! He told me he is done with her, doesnt want the kids alone with her, and doesnt want me to answer my phone anymore! I DESERATLY want all those things as well! There is nothing left but negativity! She does nothing but upset me, confuse me, and bring me down! But the GUILT stops me from NC EVERY time! I get to the point where I am SO fed up I wont talk to her for weeks... . then I cave! Is it the guilt because I am her only child left? Is it the fact that I know she is the most miserable person in the world? Or is it that deep down I still have this hope that I could have a mom? I dont know! I dont even know what advice Im asking for anymore! What is there to say?  :'( I'm just tired. I raise my kids with no help(other than my hubby and once a month from his family who lives far away) My husband works his ass off and I do EVERYTHING in my power to give my kids the happiest childhood they can have! I just dont have any energy left to take of her anymore! I dont know what to do!

[losthero]

I swear I could have written the same thing as you.  My mother is exactly the same way!  My sister had enough of her about 5 years ago and salked out refusing to ever deal with her again leaving me alone to deal with her.  My dad died 5 years ago as well.  She als has No friends and only one sister who talks to her thst lives far away.  My mom is sick EVERY dauy of her life.  My dad was retired military so she doesnt have to pay for doctors so she is there at least 2 to 3 times a week and has a million tests ran on her all the time.  She chain smokes as well and is now diabetic because she puposely WANTS to be sick and does not care for herself.  She craves attention CONSTANTLY!   Im 42 and she is 62.  She is only getting WORSE with age. i live 6 hours away and she makes me feel guilty every single day of my life!  Im miserable as well.  I understand the guilt you hsve. We tried to have her live near us when my dad died and she was horrible. She wanted me to wait on her like a servant all day long. Was very jealous of my small children at the time if they got ANY of my attention.  If I hsd to go to my psrt time job she would fake heart attacks and overdoses because I was at work.  I could go kn and on with stories of manipulations and lies.  She is so sick snd she makes me soo stressed. I too feel so much guilt about walking away.  I have tried the SET and medium chill advice here but she is so cruel and selfish she takes ANY attempt at setting a boundary as a personal challange to beat.  Im so sad for you. I just want you to know you are not alone.   

[Lily77]

So sorry you're going through this. Your title caught my attention because that can pretty much sum up my own mother's life at the moment! She has alienated or had a falling out with everyone she has ever known, hasn't worked in seven years (but isn't of retirement age or on disability), has used emotional blackmail and guilt to have my brother and me support her. She was so mean and critical to my brother that he finally had enough last year and cut off financial support. Not even right away, he gave her 6 months notice, and she stalled and created a lot of dramas and still hasn't found work. She's not a hypochondriac, but she is very paranoid and is always telling me how she is being stalked, having photos taken of her, being spied on through her phone and computer. Now I'm the only one who is in contact with her, and it is hard. I've tried going NC but the guilt was very difficult to deal with.

I have recently started seeing a therapist and that is helping a lot. Before then, I didn't even realize my mother had a personality disorder, for a long time I thought I was the one with the problem! Also, this site has a lot of really good resources and articles, plus I've found it's extremely helpful just to read others' stories and know I'm not alone.  Hang in there!

[Valley Quail]

Hi lm1109,


   So sorry for all the pain and frustration you've had to bear. I can totally understand, my mom is so similar to yours. You did the right thing by talking about it, we can really relate. You sound like a great wife, mom and daughter. So sorry this is happening, glad you're here.


-VQ

[P.F.Change]

Hello, lm1109,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time coping with your mother's behavior. Having three young children is hard, especially when you feel like you don't have much support. Add on top of that the chaos that comes with BPD, and it's no wonder you are feeling worn out. We understand what you are going through and have tools that can help.

I get to the point where I am SO fed up I wont talk to her for weeks... . then I cave! Is it the guilt because I am her only child left? Is it the fact that I know she is the most miserable person in the world? Or is it that deep down I still have this hope that I could have a mom?

Maybe all of the above. As I read the beginning of your post, it sounded to me like much of your frustration comes from expecting your mother to be someone she isn't. If she has BPD, she is going to act like someone who has BPD, not like someone who doesn't. You may want and need someone to be a good mother to you, to offer you support and play with your kids and respect your boundaries and take care of you. People with BPD aren't good at doing those things, at least not consistently--they struggle with empathy and have trouble managing their own feelings, let alone caring for someone else's.

You may not be able to count on your mother to do what mothers are "supposed" to do for you. Are there any other ways you can meet your need for a good mother? My godmother has been a good resource for me, and in many other ways I have just had to learn to mother myself. Can you find ways to give yourself the love you need? Therapy has helped me a lot in this, too. Have you ever considered talking with a professional counselor?

It is not wrong that you are tired and worn out from contact with your mother, and it's also not wrong that you still want to maintain some connection. I think it can be possible to find a balance. Have you thought about what your needs and boundaries are? This workshop helped me a lot, and maybe it will help you, too: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence. It has also helped me to learn to stay in Wise Mind when things get upsetting: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind.

I am glad you are posting lm1109, and I hope to hear more from you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Ziggiddy]

lm

I feel so dismayed for you - under so much pressure. Not only are you probably fatigued you are feeling responsible for everyone. Your kids, your husband, yourself and your mum. It's quite natural when raised by a mwBPD to be well trained in caring for her and she is no doubt well used to you doing that. Now that you have left home and made a family of your own she will no doubt be very threatened by that.

First you must remember that you need to take care of yourself. You may well be low in iron if you have such a young baby - it may be worth looking into. You probably also feel a little like a tug-of-war rope with the conflicts between your husband and your mother. This can easily lead you to want to try and broker peace and make sure there is less conflict there for you to manage, but ultimately their relationship has to be their responsibility.

On the point of your brother committing suicide you possibly have a number of issues there. You say that you feel as though being the only child left makes you feel more responsible for her- but it doesn't! The one responsible for her is her. You may even feel a sense of more than loss from his death - you may even feel a little bit deserted? If you do that is also quite natural. Suicide is very difficult to understand. Don't underestimate its far reaching effects including guilt. As the child of a BPDm you would have a very intimate knowledge and familiarity with that overwhelming sensation.

It is commendable that you are trying to give your kids a great childhood. It's also worth trying to bear in mind that kids are fairly flexible and can understand sometimes their mom is a bit too tired to take them to the park or play a game with them

It seems to me like you need a rest! Is there any other means of child care or respite care that might be available to you for a little while while you take some much needed time to recuperate and heal? A trusted friend who could come and help you babysit or a facility nearby that offers respite care?

I often find when it's all too much and my thoughts are jumbled up it can be very useful to go to somewhere where there is water and just sit and be still for a bit without trying to figure out everything.

If that's not possible, perhaps you can give yourself 'timeouts' from worry? Like tell yourself "Ok from 4 o'clock till 5 o'clock I am not going to think about my mother" and then gently push away the thoughts that are pressuring you internally?

It is certainly not the ideal situation when your mother behaves in these ways - you can feel very strongly that you are missing out on what others might get from their non parents but in the end that kind of thinking can lead to further frustration. Learning to accept that they are what they are is a big step in finding some inner peace. The only thing to do is to work with what you know rather than what you wish for. It's hard and probably causes you a good deal of grief.

There are some excellent resources here on this site and some wonderfully empathetic people who have and are struggling with the same outrage, frustration and sadness that you are feeling. It's great that you got so many things out and venting will surely assist in your road to recovery.

Pleas take some time to care for yourself - a long hot bath, or a walk in the fresh air may help remind you that your world doesn't have to be dominated by your mother.

Sending peace and blessings out to you

[Best.of.You]

Thank you lm1109.  I have a mother who likely suffers from BPD, although not yet diagnosed.  Your title pretty much summed up my experience with my mother as well. 

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your struggle and frustrations.  We are emotionally burnt out.  We are tired and exhausted from being hostages to our mother's whims and flights of the dramatic.  I am conditioned to feel guilt every time I hear my mother's voice.  I can almost chastise myself with her voice in my head for almost every little choice I make. 

And additionally, I find myself asking, "Why can't my mom be more like other people's mom?"  I think P.F. Change has hit the nail on the head to my own predicament- my expectations are unrealistic in light of BPD.  I am hopeful that therapy and this site will provide me with the knowledge, understanding and ultimately, empathy, to help my mother. 

I wish you patience, serenity and continued support from your husband and other family members. Good luck! 

[lm1109]

Thank you all so much for the responses. It all helps so much! I agree that I do need to stop expecting her to be someone she is not. My mother actually told me that in an argument once. I think its so hard for me because I see her play the part of "normal caring mother & grandmother" in front of others. She puts so MUCH effort into making everyone around her believe that she is mother and grandma of the year.   I do need to accept that she is who she is and stop expecting any support or normalcy from her... . I tell myself this all the time... . its definitely a work in progress. Thank you all again!