Distortion of facts; do you correct or not?

[ziniztar]

A few days ago my dBPDbf made a side comment that was very untrue. He's in an idealization phase now and I guess he 'changed' the fact because it was not in favor of me, and that wouldn't fit his current state of mind. It's an issue that we talked about a few weeks ago for at least half an hour. He didn't seem dysregulated then, just a little disapppointed in me.

The question: when you obviously detect a distorted fact or memory, do you correct that or let it go? He's in recovery so at times open to communication about his behaviour. Yet I wouldn't want to invalidate him if unneccesary...

Input is highly valued 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tired-of-it-all]

For me this is the worst aspect of BPD.  I am sick and tired of her lying.  She doesn't know what the truth is sometimes.  I correct her when it is important to me.  I have found that if I don't correct she believes the lie even more.  If it is going to start a fight and I am not in the mood for the conflict, I ignore it.  Try not to let your partner make you angry.  They own us when they make us angry.

State the facts and then drop it.  Either that or ignore it all together.

[Chosen]

State the facts and then drop it.  Either that or ignore it all together.

Exactly my suggested response.  If it matters enough/ you won't feel at ease unless you've pointed it out, then just state your version of the facts and then let it be.  Don't try to convince your pwBPD of your facts (even though it may well be the truth).  If they don't want to accept your facts, they won't, no matter what- or there's a reason behind it (shame, don't want to be in the wrong, etc.) 

Yes it sucks when they distort reality.  But just let them distort their own reality; not yours as well.

[an0ught]

Hi ziniztar,

Facts may be more important to us than they may be to a more emotion driven pwBPD.

Does it matter?

- Is this an important topic where decisions are looming or

- is this something where facts were used to express emotions?

And does it matter right now?

- is feedback helping to regulate emotions?

- are decisions or is irritating/incorrect communication to others imminent?

One size does not fit all situations with pwBPD. Acknowledge the mood and state your POV and drop it is a good advice in case you see a need to do that. Learning to agree to disagree and still be ok is important for both sides. Keep in mind that not all distortions need correction - distortions are symptoms of emotional regulation problems and often we can do more good by helping on the latter side.

[ziniztar]

Keep in mind that not all distortions need correction - distortions are symptoms of emotional regulation problems and often we can do more good by helping on the latter side.

Thanks. That's what I did this time. It kind of feels wrong because it feels like I'm covering up my own flaws by not actively correcting his view. But you all are right, this was not the issue at hand and it's not what was important at the time. I think I handled it well, it just feels... . wrong.

[Stalwart]

Like most - onl if it's something important enough like the state she felt our relationship was in during the past. I calmly say I know that's your understanding of it and how you felt but I saw it from a whole different take, sometimes I'll breifly reinforce that, sometimes I won't.

On a typical day when she mistates a feeling (from my perspective) and I know it really can't do anyone any harm, and it's not leading to a "huge" deal in her mind and actions I'll just let it go by but I won't validate it with a "yes" if it's not true.

[hergestridge]

I have found that if I don't correct she believes the lie even more. 

Yep. I tried to explain this in another thread. Left to her own devices, reality checks are few and far between.

[ziniztar]

I remember once that we went to a shop and bought something. He bought a girly version of the object (didn't realize it at the time) and until this day, every time we use the object, he says 'there has to be another one, I bought the other one!'. No he did not, and whenever I explain it to him he refuses to admit he bought the wrong one. So I just let it go, it's not worth the hussle.

This one was bigger: he seems to have distorted the fact that I told my parents about his diagnosis. We talked about it for a while a few weeks ago. I'm guessing it's the shame and anger towards me that is pushing this memory away.

[sweetheart]

This used to be a really big issue for me, I just couldn't get my head around the fact that my dBPDh was lying about things that had been said or had happened between us. He also completely distorts the reality of what has happened for him so that everything becomes the most terrible thing to have ever happened to him.

We have been together eight years and it is only in the last six months that I have stopped calling him on the lies and distortions, because I now realise and believe they are his reality. It is then this reality that then goes on to inform how he feels inside. What I now do when I know what he is saying is a lie or a distortion is to say, "I hear what you are saying, but we each seem to have a different memory of the same event. I don't remember it being that way, it felt different for me, but I can see how upset you are by what has happened... . ( then I try and validate the underlying feeling ). It's by no means verbatim, you could play around with it and see if it might work for you.

It was from someone who posted on here that recommended this technique, and it works ok for me because it doesn't feel confrontational and I do try and hear what the feeling behind my dBPDh version of events is because that is honest and real for him.

Calling him on the lies and distortions just fed the rage, and furthered the dysregulation and led me right into JADE, which was when things got really bad for us.

[aspiegirl23]

Thanks for posting this question! This for me is one of my biggest issues with my husband. It is even more so for me since I have Asperger's and the truth and facts are highly important to me and are the essence of what make sense in this world. In fact, it is this issue which then triggers my own Aspie emotional regulation issues and then we are both crazy out of control which is NOT good.

I also get very hurt because a lot of the facts he gets wrong are insults about me and my past. Very personal, vulnerable things I have told him and he throws at me like my worst enemy might, not my loving husband. And they are all wrong and distorted to make me look horrible.

You have got some good advice and I will try to take all of that on also. Just wanted to say that you are not alone.