My stresses trigger explosions

[Hourofthestar]

Hi All,

Having a hard night.  I'm in grad school and have a hefty load.  Since starting my husband's behaviors have escalating, ultimately getting quite threatening (screaming in my face, saying he wants to beat me).  I finally came to and disclosed this with my therapist and then our couples therapist.  This sent us into a tailspin because I have been progressively more firm and consistent with my boundaries and this was very hard for him to stomach.  We have had a very rocky 6 weeks, and were just coming out of the darkness... .

When I finally started to get back to my work.  With a lot of work comes stress, and I admit to not managing it well in the past, which may add to his anxieties now.  Well when I get stressed, he gets scared and then really angry.  I can't help but be thrown off sometimes.  And now I've lost a whole night I had hope to be working. 

I want to stay steady, but there is no way when he throws as much as he can at me until I crack.  We've been working on taking space when things get heated, but on nights like tonight.  Whenever things get calm and I feel ready to work he comes back in starts again. 

So tired.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[montanesa]

Hi All,

Having a hard night.  I'm in grad school and have a hefty load.  Since starting my husband's behaviors have escalating, ultimately getting quite threatening (screaming in my face, saying he wants to beat me).  I finally came to and disclosed this with my therapist and then our couples therapist.  This sent us into a tailspin because I have been progressively more firm and consistent with my boundaries and this was very hard for him to stomach.  We have had a very rocky 6 weeks, and were just coming out of the darkness... .

When I finally started to get back to my work.  With a lot of work comes stress, and I admit to not managing it well in the past, which may add to his anxieties now.  Well when I get stressed, he gets scared and then really angry.  I can't help but be thrown off sometimes.  And now I've lost a whole night I had hope to be working. 

I want to stay steady, but there is no way when he throws as much as he can at me until I crack.  We've been working on taking space when things get heated, but on nights like tonight.  Whenever things get calm and I feel ready to work he comes back in starts again. 

So tired.

Gosh, this sounds familiar. My husband would get jealous of the amount of time I was spending on work and my graduate degree. I can also relate to not being "allowed" to show any stress or negative emotions. I swear, no matter how hard I try to hide it, uBPDh picks up on it!

I used to go for a drive or take a nice long bath when he got out of it. I'm still learning to set and maintain boundaries, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate and that I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Good luck; you CAN do this!

[an0ught]

Hi Hourofthestar,

Having a hard night.  I'm in grad school and have a hefty load.  Since starting my husband's behaviors have escalating, ultimately getting quite threatening (screaming in my face, saying he wants to beat me).  I finally came to and disclosed this with my therapist and then our couples therapist.  This sent us into a tailspin because I have been progressively more firm and consistent with my boundaries and this was very hard for him to stomach.  We have had a very rocky 6 weeks, and were just coming out of the darkness... .

When I finally started to get back to my work.  With a lot of work comes stress, and I admit to not managing it well in the past, which may add to his anxieties now.  Well when I get stressed, he gets scared and then really angry.  I can't help but be thrown off sometimes. 

it is often the case that our emotions are transfered. We can try to manage this a bit but it will be hard for most of us to avoid it. Often the best we can do is being clear what is happening in us and admitting that we are guilty of emotional environmental pollution. Stress and anxiety on our side easily transfers and unfortunately anxiety is a fairly strong emotion which combines with general anxiety issues on the BPD side. The better you get at validation the better you can manage it. It takes however a high skill level and lots of practical experiences in these situations as when we are stressed we are ourselves already at our limits. Often the best may well be trying to manage your own stress in advance but of course life is not all running like a clockwork... .

And now I've lost a whole night I had hope to be working. 

 I guess that you are already using all means like libraries to manage so I can only   you here.

I want to stay steady, but there is no way when he throws as much as he can at me until I crack.  We've been working on taking space when things get heated, but on nights like tonight.  Whenever things get calm and I feel ready to work he comes back in starts again. 

Don't let him do that. Check out validation of negative emotions as sometimes it can have a calming effect to vocalize or otherwise express the tension in the room. If that is not working then consistent time-outs are important. It is not easy getting through the first few extinctions bursts but then behavior often becomes more moderate. Boundaries are huge energy savers.

So tired.

Hang in there, it will get better 

[Chosen]

Hi Hourofthestar,

Argh.  I feel your frustration.  And yes when I'm stressed myself it is really hard to keep my emotions in control.  I think it is natural that we have a smaller nonsense threshold when we're stressed.  The problem is that pwBPDs have NO threshold whatsoever most of the time. 

As I say on here sometimes, I think pwBPDs can do & feel empathy, BUT (and it's a HUUUUUGE but) only when they're not having any emotional burden themselves.  And that means most of the time they can't empathise with you because their own stress is at the forefront of their mind.  E.g. when I was studying last year, my uBPDh would keep on saying he's supporting me, but actually he wasn't being supportive a lot of times.  He may do certain things supportively (e.g. leave me alone so I could do my work), but when I'm stressed and just feeling a bit short of temper, he wouldn't empathise and would still think I cannot show ANY negative emotions.

Same for work and anything else in life.  If I show any negative emotions it's either going to be belittled ("You think you have it bad with your boss?  I'm having it much worse." or ignored and backfired (":)o you think that because you're having a hard day at work you get to sulk at me?  What have I done to offend you?"

So yeah, it sucks, and since you have to finish school, it's unlikely to change soon.  However, for me, I find it important to come back home relatively emotionally stable, or else things will go south when I talk with H.  If I'm just not in the mood for talking/ unable to lift my moods, I may just give a short reason, probably let him know that I'm tired or something so he doesn't expect me to be as happy and cheerful as usual.  He won't like it, but it also means I don't have to pretend because that's even harder and puts more stress on me.