Big step forward - I hope. Therapy

[montanesa]

Hello forum members!

I hope today is the famous "first day of the rest of my life." You see, today was uBPDh's first appointment with a local psychiatrist.

We had a huge fight on Monday after I told his friends to come over and his friend only told him this through Whatsapp. uBPDh was furious his friend didn't call and that his friend and I made plans "without him". This all culminated in the friends coming over and uBPDh not saying a word to them and actually going upstairs to play video games in our room while I cried in the living room, horribly embarassed.

What good came out of that? He finally listened to me when I said he needed help. Granted, I think it was probably my worst, most tearful reaction to his antics. However, he listened. He really did.

He did such a good job at the appointment today. It was amazing to listen to him admit to everything I didn't think he realized he did. Maybe he's not BPD after all. However, at least he's on his way to a diagnosis and psychotherapy.

Now, I know, this could go two ways. However, it's really nice to finally feel like there's hope for us. I really thought I was going to leave after the last blow up.

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[an0ught]

Hi montanesa,

this is really great news. Keep in mind that he won't change overnight. Any changes through therapy will take a longer time to take hold.

What will make a difference in the near term is when you refuse to play games, have clear boundaries and avoid invalidation. From what

you wrote it sounds like you are making quite some progress on that side.

[Stalwart]

Awesome Montanessa:

I can tell you that the best day of my ten year marriage was my wife going through on-line test with me, agreeing that sounded like the problems she had all her life (not related to our problems), recognizing she had a problem, going forward for a diagnosis and starting therapy.

The second biggest day was when I set out to learn as much as I could to change myself and adapt to the needs of our relationship, hers as well as mine and start to change all those things about myself to make both of our lives better, especially how I treated her, listened to her and responded to her.

I'm really happy for you and hope you the best going forward. Feels great eh? Like you've been adviced don't hope too big, too quick. Small steps on both your parts and be supportive and loving, you might just see how much of it comes back your way. I hope so. 

[montanesa]

Thanks guys! 

I know it sounds a bit silly, but I was more nervous for that first therapist visit than I was for our wedding!

He's got his second visit tomorrow afternoon so we'll see how that goes. I saw he did his "homework" (Gosh, they must've given him about a 20-page questionaire!). Here's hoping this is a step in the right direction!

Do you guys think that it might be a good idea to go on my own to the therapist to ask how best to deal with him? I don't know if they're going to tell him - or me - the diagnosis. I just want to learn how best to deal with his inappropriate emotional responses; whatever they are rooted in!

[Ulysses]

That's fantastic that he's going to therapy.  My experience thus far is two steps forward, three steps back.

I would advise you to go to a therapist, preferably one who specializes in BPD or NPD or both.  My therapist is the first one who mentioned my spouse might be "a little bit borderline" (understatement of the year, but probably all I could handle because I was probably in a state of shock from the trauma he inflicted).  Her advice has been invaluable.  I wouldn't be as healthy as I am, nor as strong and calm as I am, without her.    If you're living with someone with BPD, it's probably affecting you, whether or not you realize it.  If your spouse has no empathy or can't relate to you at your emotional level (mine is apparently at the level of a 5 year old, I've been told by 2 psychologists, and has a lack of empathy), then it's wonderful to have a safe place to get that emotional connection every week.

Marriage counseling has been helpful, with a psychotherapist, because he has modeled behavior for me that I can use with my spouse (it took me awhile to catch on to this), he has named my spouse's actions in session, and I've gotten to watch first the idealization and then the total devaluation of him by my spouse over the last 18 months (which helps me not take my husband's actions personally, which then helps me with my self esteem).  And, finally, he's witnessed with me my spouse's terrifying rage and can help me process it.

Stay calm and strong.  Sending you good thoughts.

[Olinda]

Just wanted to chime in here.

We just went to first couple's therapy session on Friday. I am very hopeful.  I am not sure that my fiancee is BPD so did not inform the counselor of my suspicions.

I did mention that we have the book "High Conflict Couple" by Fruzetti and we would like to go over it. The therapist bought the book and is willing to look at it with us. 

I had an opportunity when my fiancee went to the restroom to tell therapist about possible BPD, but I didn't. I couldn't do it. 

I was afraid going in that it would become a 'blame fest' of my partner accusing me of ruining her life, etc, but that didn't happen. 

I am hopeful because during the session we were able to speak about what has been the hardest lately and what our foundation has been (our love story is incredible and the good moments are intensely soulful).  THe therapist was very positive and encouraging and told us she has never seen a couple come in as connected as we are during the first session. 

My fiancee cried, discussing her depression, fibromyalgia, stress at work, etc.  I didn't cry (typical for us). 

We discussed what it is like when she gets triggered (our word for dysregulated). Usually I can tell that she is triggered and then quickly on its heels, I become triggered too.  So she asked for me to be able to just own my own triggering and take a break due to that.  THe therapist misunderstood and my fiancee was able to say, no, Olinda does not ever get triggered without me, it is usually me getting triggered without Olinda.  (! This seemed huge to me! She actually owned it!)

I am supposed to say calmly:  'I am getting triggered now and would like to take a break.  I know that this has felt like rejection to you in the past but I really would like to talk about this later (ten minutes/thirty minutes), when I am calm.'   I am not really 'allowed' to point out her triggered state. 

I will work on it.

Therapist set us a task of doing a vision collage for our relationship. We go back on Friday.

My fiancee has been better about taking a break and actually recognizing her own triggered state.  Yesterday she took a long 1.5 hour break and did something enjoyable because she was full of trigger thoughts about my ex and my children, etc.  It was great.

I will keep you posted. 

[Foreverhopefull]

That's great news!

It's a great start to a better life for both of you.