Hubby with BPD... I'm in need of direction

[lostinlove75]

So I've posted before and got no replies, but I appreciate any feedback on this one as I truly am lost. This BPD is new to me and he's clinically "undiagnosed" and will never see someone. Over the last several weeks he's lost his job. He went into panic mode and applied for every loan u can think of (business,  house, personal and finally car) trying to create his self worth. All the while blaming me for his downward spiral. He's ended our marriage 6 times in 6 months (always via text) with this last time lasting the longest.  I found out he cheated and when I attempted to discuss it, he kept his back to me.

He has 3 kids that are with us full time and who are very attached to me. The oldest senses what's up, while the two little ones (hopefully) don't.  One minute he loves me and the kids, the next he says he wishes he were dead, or never had kids. After his meltdowns,  he uses me as a therapist to build him up, all while I fall apart. I've never experienced such disregard for my feelings before. I've never seen such erratic behavior, and before I understood what it was, i couldn't fathom why someone would want to be like that.

As it stands, I'm sleeping on the couch by choice. He got his job back (again) and is starting to be "normal, but is this the end for real this time? I hate to sound like a coward,  but I do still love him send knowing this behavior has a name makes me feel sad for him, rather than enraged as I probably should be. I don't want to feel like I've abandoned his kids just as their birth mom has. One minute he's telling me he's sorry he messed everything up and the next he is saying this marriage isn't worth saving.

His whole life he made a mess of things and his mom always cleaned up behind him. He has major self esteem issues and that's often what fuels his behavior. But I think he knows his mom can't fix this for him and he's just acting worse than ever... . any advice? Is this the end of the road? Do I attempt to hang in there or just figure it out alone? And if it over, how can I reason with him to still spend time with the kids? Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[The Mrs]

Hi, LostinLove, I'm wondering if you should be posting in the new member section for starters?  You might be more likely to get the attention and direction you are looking for from some of the more experienced posters and moderators as far as all the helpful articles and tools this site has available.  It really is a wealth of information filled with people "who get it".

Somewhat similar to your story, my husband (who I just filed for divorce from after 25 years of chaotic, heart wrenching BPD marriage) had custody of his 3 1/2 and 5 year old girls when  I met him.  We then went on to have a child of our own.  I saw the red flags very, very early on, but I chose to overlook them and I knew I couldn't nor wouldn't leave those two other children behind.  I also knew I would not allow our biological child to have unsupervised time with him.  So, I became the buffer between him and the children and basically the rest of the world and the glue that held it all together.   

This disorder does not get better over time.  If anything, my observation is that as we age, we all become less resilient with our ability to manage life's stressors and to rebound both physically and emotionally from it's tolls.  On a spiritual level, this, for me had become no way to live.  I realized I was just enduring. 

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.  Keep reading, keep posting, keep reaching out and above all, I've learned, don't isolate!

[Surnia]

Hi lostinlove75

and 

here on board. I am so sorry tho hear about the difficult relationship you are in. 6 breakups in 6 month are really a lot. 

Are you a bit familiar what BPD is or is it very new for you? This could be a good first read for you.

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse - Staff Article


Please keep posting and reading - it will help to share your story. We care about you.

[Theo41]

Your story is a classic example of what most us go through. We are dealing with absurd, illogical, punishing behaviors. But we won't leave. Others, we think, would never put up with this. But we do. We can list the reasons: we're married... . for a long time, what will happen to the children?, I love him/her, I feel sorry for them it's an illness (this is a big one - are we too empathetic?). Some tell us : " your a saint" but we wonder if they mean "your a fool." If a decision is made to leave it requires maximum courage, fortitude and persistence to actually make it happen. The hurdle rate is high. They will do anything and everything to keep u. I've tried several time unsuccessfully.

In my case, she's high functioning with many attractive characteristics as well. I make my way in life by focusing on her good traits, enjoying the good times, limiting my exposure to the crazy making, and living a lot in the rest of my life: work, writing, sports, friends, etc. (if I had to be around her 100% of the time I couldn't do it. ) About two months ago I read this post here: "when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of living you will go." I guess we're no there yet:) THEO

[Theo41]

Meant to write: "when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving(not living), that's when u will go." THEO

[maxsterling]

Hi lostinlove75.

Your post pretty much described the same emotions everyone on this website faces or has faced.  The sad reality is, this his who he is, and will always be.  If he gets into and accepts therapy, some behaviors may change as he learns tools to soothe and validate his own emotions.  Your goal right now is to find yourself, what makes you happy, and things to keep your mind on anything else but him or the marriage.  Take care of you.  And as Surnia posted - there are tools that can help you communicate better with him and make the inevitable rages and deregulations more manageable.  But, eventually you will have to come to the peace that he is who he is, and make a decision based upon that.  I'm in that process myself right now.

Hang in there, and hope you have a peaceful day.

[formflier]

Hang in there and be thankful that your relationship and life is not more enmeshed and connected.

You have found a good place to be and to discuss this. 

I'm still coming to grips with all of this myself... . but I am thankful for what I have found here and the tools I am learning.

[formflier]

The Mrs... . would you mind laying out a little bit more of your decision making on how you figured out it was time to go?

I'm guessing if I am doing the math correctly that you waited until your youngest was grown and out of the house. 

Thanks for sharing your story

Hi, LostinLove, I'm wondering if you should be posting in the new member section for starters?  You might be more likely to get the attention and direction you are looking for from some of the more experienced posters and moderators as far as all the helpful articles and tools this site has available.  It really is a wealth of information filled with people "who get it".

Somewhat similar to your story, my husband (who I just filed for divorce from after 25 years of chaotic, heart wrenching BPD marriage) had custody of his 3 1/2 and 5 year old girls when  I met him.  We then went on to have a child of our own.  I saw the red flags very, very early on, but I chose to overlook them and I knew I couldn't nor wouldn't leave those two other children behind.  I also knew I would not allow our biological child to have unsupervised time with him.  So, I became the buffer between him and the children and basically the rest of the world and the glue that held it all together.   

This disorder does not get better over time.  If anything, my observation is that as we age, we all become less resilient with our ability to manage life's stressors and to rebound both physically and emotionally from it's tolls.  On a spiritual level, this, for me had become no way to live.  I realized I was just enduring. 

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.  Keep reading, keep posting, keep reaching out and above all, I've learned, don't isolate!

[lostinlove75]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. He told me today he gave a 30 day notice on our place and he's moving with his kids. This puts him with a 3 hr each way commute and unfortunately alot of pressure on his oldest to parent her younger siblings.

I also found out he has a girlfriend so I guess this is it. Time to walk away and start my growth and regain my sanity. I just want to shake him and tell him his irrational decisions will effect his children so negatively.  But I won't... . I need to let him go. I need to find me again. This is a lot harder than I expected it to be... . I'm just crushed.

[an0ught]

Hello lostinlove75,

He told me today he gave a 30 day notice on our place and he's moving with his kids. This puts him with a 3 hr each way commute and unfortunately alot of pressure on his oldest to parent her younger siblings.

this is really a sad development which sets a train in motion that is hard to stop. 3h commute makes no sense   except

I also found out he has a girlfriend so I guess this is it. Time to walk away and start my growth and regain my sanity. I just want to shake him and tell him his irrational decisions will effect his children so negatively.  But I won't... . I need to let him go. I need to find me again. This is a lot harder than I expected it to be... . I'm just crushed.

This must be devastating  .

Focus on yourself. The last months were confusing and exhausting and the next ones will not be easy either . You can't stop him only he himself can. From what you wrote it sounds like he has been so stressed out that he is running away from it all. Is this the end? Who knows - the 3 hour commute does not sound like fully thought through on his side. Which unfortunately did not stop him giving notice.

Right now the undecided board and the leaving board may be better places for you? A good resource to check may also be the LESSONS on the leaving board.