It seems I'm moving over here and need help

[janey62]

My exBPDbf and I have been together almost 2 years.  He is diagnosed with Anxiety and panic disorders and depression.  Recently diagnosed with BPD I think but he's a bit cagey about this.  After a 3 month separation and moving away from him with limited contact, this weekend I agreed to meet him and talk.  We had a lovely day, a very emotional reunion and also it felt like only yesterday since we were together.

I've missed him a lot and hated leaving him to his madness but things got really bad and I had to take myself out of the situation.

I was aware at the time that I was doing and saying a lot of the wrong things and that it was making things worse for him.

Before I left I began putting boundaries in place, not staying to hear his abuse and turning off my phone when he would text me abusive messages.  

He was drinking heavily and seemed to be unable to stand being with me for more than a day and a night, then he would abandon, drink, abuse, regret, beg forgiveness and we'd go round again.  

He is now getting some help, seeing a therapist and is addressing his drinking.  He's seeing a therapist who is recovered from BPD himself and says it is helping a lot.  He looks well, is healthier and thinner and it was lovely to see him.  We agreed to meet again next saturday, for the day only, and try to see a way forward, taking things slowly.

We love each other and I don't want to lose him, so I need your help!

What did I do wrong, what can I change about me that will help us?

How can I do what so many others here have been able to do here, say and do the things which help to calm the situation and deal with my feelings.  I am sensitive and have my own abandonment issues and get very hurt when he says cruel things to me even though I know he doesn't mean them and hates himself for it.

Please help!  Any and all advice will be gratefully accepted...

After we'd had part of the day together and I came home he wrote me some long texts telling me how much he loves me and wants this to work.  It began to feel as if he was getting carried away, as if his emotions felt too  strong for him to manage, then he wrote saying, 'Can you not bring yourself to tell me that you love me?'  

I felt the old panic starting and didn't know what to say so I wrote saying, 'is this what you mean xxx' and forwarded an earlier message where I'd said it to him.  Was this the wrong way to handle it?  He's gone quiet today and I feel anxious!   He often gets very intense and it feels kind of scary, even if it's loving because I know I have a long way to fall.

Perhaps I didn't validate him enough on Saturday?  I'm not really even sure how to do that.  I wish I could have recorded our conversations so that I could know what, if anything, I could have done better.

Janey

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi janey62,

What did I do wrong, what can I change about me that will help us?

you did what you thought best at the time you decided to do it. It may not have been perfect. Where you misstepped you reaped the consequences. No point to beat yourself up after the fact - in case you messed up you got the bill already. Beating yourself up after the fact is pointless. And there is NO way around being confronted with consequences - even not making decisions would cause some.

So in short - cut yourself some slack. A good measure of slack!


A key point about staying is focusing on ourselves and not letting the other person in our life rule it.

I am sensitive and have my own abandonment issues and get very hurt when he says cruel things to me even though I know he doesn't mean them and hates himself for it.

Dealing with abandonment issues sucks and it is a button that is easily pressed  .

He often gets very intense and it feels kind of scary, even if it's loving because I know I have a long way to fall.

Intense --> close to dysreguation --> validation, validation and validation or if that does not help boundaries and letting him cool down.

Perhaps I didn't validate him enough on Saturday?  I'm not really even sure how to do that.  I wish I could have recorded our conversations so that I could know what, if anything, I could have done better.

Don't forget splitting - every moment is a separate universe. PwBPD can turn emotionally on a dime - don't blame yourself. Validation is emotional support - don't delude yourself you have control or responsibility for his emotions. We don't even control our own emotions so... .

... . cut yourself some slag. You are doing fine 

[Grey Kitty]

My advice is to spend more time making sure that you take care of your own needs and you are in good shape. Do this before you worry about your exBF or soon-to-not-be-exBF

Also... . if you are new to the staying board, do read the lessons (in the sidebar) ---->> >

I'd start with this one about what it takes (on your part) to be in a r/s with a pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Since this is what you seem to be signing up for.

One last thing--validation is hard. Notice that sometimes you don't have it in you to do it right... . and when done half-way it doesn't have half of the good effect, the effect is zero or worse. I tried to make sure I was in the right frame of mind before I started.

For me, it was much easier to notice when I was starting to be invalidating and stop myself... . mostly just not JADEing and stuff like that, but sometimes all I could manage was to leave when I was too worked up to respond well.

[Allmessedup]

Hey Janey... .

I am in a similar situation with my not so ex gf.  We had the three month seperation as well.

I can tell you it's better for me now.  I posted some on the PI board about it last night in fact.

Loving someone with BPD was a huge resource for me! As well as the lessons here.

I know that for me the majority of our b/u I worked really hard on me.  Coming to grips with a lot of my FOO stuff especially.

But in that time I also realized I had happy days without her as well.  That gave me the confidence to know if it didn't work I would still survive. 

I am hugely grateful for the opportunity I have now.  I have learned so much about the disorder and myself that even if it fails, this time I will know I gave it all I could.

Validation is essential for my partner.  If I even sense she is getting emotionally up there I head back to validation.  Even if they are "good" emotions. (Happy, excited... . )

I try not to JADE.  fact is she feels what she feels period.  I don't necessarily have anything to do about that all.  So for instance she was really down about a week ago about some thing she had done to me in the past.  She was beating the heck out of herself about it honestly and to me it was a non issue.  But it was hugely important to her... . and that mattered.

So instead of the arguing or trying to convince her that she did nothing big wrong, I asked her if she could tell me why that made her feel that way.  I told her I could understand how that could make her feel that way.  I left my feelings out of it. I just kept validating and she calmed down and was able to work it out on her own.  It was a huge lesson that had I kept to my old ways would have blown up in my face.

Honestly, her feelings are hers and they are valid.  It's not about me or what I felt,  it was about her in that moment.

The leaving board has so much insight into detachment and in mindfulness and other coping skills.  Practicing those and keeping my own emotions out of the mix has been huge in helping our communication issues.  As well as having a good understanding of the disorder.

In practicing this I have found that I can meet my own needs, but she also has begun to validate me as well.  Which is way different than it used to be.

Take care of you first.  That is essential.  Take a break if you need it,  there is nothing wrong with that.  I often say I need to process what your saying so I can understand it fully, can we come back to this later?  If I am not sure how to respond.  It helps as she feels appreciated and of course validated that I think her feelings are important.  Which they are.

It's a process.  But it has become more and more natural as things progress.   If I can't validate something I ask her to explain it more so I can understand it better.  Usually I can find something to validate in the explanation.

It's not an easy ride,it takes work.  It takes conscious effort sometimes.  But the differences I have seen so far are quite impressive to me.


Amu

[janey62]

Thanks all of you for your helpful comments and support.

AMU, can you give me some actual examples of when you've validated, what you've said?

It would really help because I'm just not too sure and because I'm a counsellor anyway I'm worried that my idea of validating might veer off into counsellor mode, which I think antagonises him... .

And an0ught, how do I validate him when he's saying he loves me and I'm the best thing in the world and he is soo glad I am in his life, etc., when it's getting really intense and I just want to hide under a blanket!  He gets upset if I don't say those things back to him even if I'm still trying to get over the stress of his dysregulation earlier... .

Thanks 

Janey

[an0ught]

Hi janey62,

And an0ught, how do I validate him when he's saying he loves me and I'm the best thing in the world and he is soo glad I am in his life, etc., when it's getting really intense and I just want to hide under a blanket!  He gets upset if I don't say those things back to him even if I'm still trying to get over the stress of his dysregulation earlier... .

what I would do is some de-escalation strategy taking the emotion where it is but then also a notch down and normalize it.

"Yeah, it was totally great. Some days are fantastic and let's celebrate them. Sometimes you'll find I'm simply ok and some days you are upset with me. That's life - today - thank you for your compliment."

[Allmessedup]

Hey janey,

I am a psych nurse so that may be why validation comes easier to me as well.  I thought that she might be set off by it but she so very much isn't. (She worked with me in mental health)

Recently we had an issue over her feeling like she was not a good mom to her dog and that resulted in her wanting to rehome him.  He is very beneficial to her in a lot of ways (being trained as an assistance dog). So to me this was so not a good idea.  But these were her feelings so I validated them.  The convo went something like this:

Her... I am going to rehome dog. He suffers by living with me, I can't do anything to make him happy

Me... So you are feeling like your not a good mom to dog. Is that right?

Her... .   YES!  I can't walk him or do the other things he needs to keep him happy so I have to find a family that will

Me... . I can understand how not being able to do those things would make you feel that way.  That's pretty normal when someone loves their pet as much as you do.

Her... . exactly... . I love him so much and I don't want him to be sad

Me... . of course you do.  You just want to give him the best life you can.

Her... . yes and I can't do what he wants anymore

Me... . I can understand feeling like that too.  It would feel to me like I am failing him.  Is that how you feel?

Her... . yes

Me... . so can you think of any ways u do still  benefit him

And so we moved back into problem solving mode.  This conversation took a long time and a lot of intermittent validation but eventually she problem solved the issue for her self and has decided to keep the dog.

Had I just pressed my feelings on to her I can almost guarantee that her dog would have gotten re homed.  But since I validated what I could and helped her problem solve it not only did the dog stay but she has continued to open up about things that are bothering her that I never knew about before.  I become safe to her by keeping my emotions out of it.

Does that help at all?

Amu

[janey62]

Hi Amu,

Yes it does help, it's the keeping my emotions out of it that I see is the key.  It is hard to do that when he is attacking me so I guess when that happens I should use a boundary and maybe just leave the scene for a while.

I recognise this as part of what I do every day with clients in crisis, empathy without getting emotionally involved myself.

I can also see that I spent many years, most of my childhood really, validating my mother, but I was afraid of her temper and also afraid she would die if I didn't.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough for this gig, especially when I'm doing it all day with the people I work with in rehab... . when and how do I get my needs met? 

I've often fallen into a trap with him when I've expressed my emotions and he's seemed to be supportive, but later it has caused a meltdown and he's accused me of being selfish and even unstable! 

I've got a lot to think about... . but thank you for your input, it helps to clarify the validation thing.

Janey x

[an0ught]

Hi janey62,

it is a difficult situation with not having much validation in your work life.

I've often fallen into a trap with him when I've expressed my emotions and he's seemed to be supportive, but later it has caused a meltdown and he's accused me of being selfish and even unstable! 

It is good to express yourself . Don't worry too much about him taking parts of it and twisting it in order to get back at you. If you would not have expressed yourself he would simply take another bit he can get hold of and throw it in your way - this behavior is really at the root of BPD and impossible to prevent. Take the good times and celebrate them when they happen!

I recognise this as part of what I do every day with clients in crisis, empathy without getting emotionally involved myself.

I guess it is a bit different as you are emotionally involved in one way or another - after all it is your partner. And a lot of the emotions are very, very negative and extreme. It can be tiring.

On the other hand

- validation improves understanding.

- validation helps to get some of the projected emotions out of our head.

- validation sets example of how we want to be treated and over time some of it may come back.

I can also see that I spent many years, most of my childhood really, validating my mother, but I was afraid of her temper and also afraid she would die if I didn't.

True validation simply is the perceived truth. It is NOT taking ownership of the emotions of the other person. It it not your problem - it is his pain. It may be worth reflecting on the difference what you have done in your youth to what you are doing now as there seems resentment from the past that is affecting you today in another relationship.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough for this gig, especially when I'm doing it all day with the people I work with in rehab... . when and how do I get my needs met?   

Validate when you have the strength and use boundaries when you have not. Do not hesitate to use boundaries - been seen as egoistical (within limits) can be good thing for someone who struggles with co-dependent behavior. Boundaries can be good opportunities for the other side to practice some self validation  .