Struggling so much today

[crushed_to_pieces]

Overwhelmed with sadness today. Some days it just hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel buried underneath a mountain of broken dreams and promises. I can't wait for the day when I don't wake up thinking about him and he's not the last thing I think of before I go to sleep... . not to mention all the memories that flood my mind through out the day.

I think the fact that he's probably forgotten all about me and has moved on is the most disturbing thought that enters my mind and the hardest thing to accept. I can't even comprehend that type of behavior... . and I guess that's a good thing. He's a high-functioning BPD with narcissistic traits. , and the fact that he has a radio show and is a public figure where we live, just makes it even harder. It kills me that he comes across as the hard-working single father that does charity work and has just been "unlucky" in love. That's they way he sucked me in.

As the day that we were supposed to get married approaches (June 13th), I feel an increasing amount of anxiety and sadness. I understand that it's so much better that I found out who he really is before the wedding, but i'm just still having a hard time coming to terms with all that's happened. His "love" was so convincing, and that passionate, intimate period in our relationship was so deep and fulfilling that it feels nearly impossible to let go of.

I also miss his little girl... . I loved her as the daughter I never had, but always wanted. She is such a sweet soul. I ache to see her beautiful smile again, and I know now that I never will.

I know God must have bigger and better plans for me, and I am desperately clinging to that belief in order to get through each day, moment by moment. It's just so hard to release my broken dreams... . I miss the woman I was before my exBPD came into my life and crushed it to pieces.

[LettingGo14]

Overwhelmed with sadness today. Some days it just hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel buried underneath a mountain of broken dreams and promises. I can't wait for the day when I don't wake up thinking about him and he's not the last thing I think of before I go to sleep... . not to mention all the memories that flood my mind through out the day.

I'm sorry you are hurting, crushed_to_pieces, but we're glad you posted.  You are not alone, and it helps everyone that you so honestly express your emotions.

This community really helped me understand that I was not alone, and that rumination and pain is part of the process.

I think the fact that he's probably forgotten all about me and has moved on is the most disturbing thought that enters my mind and the hardest thing to accept. I can't even comprehend that type of behavior... . and I guess that's a good thing. He's a high-functioning BPD with narcissistic traits. , and the fact that he has a radio show and is a public figure where we live, just makes it even harder. It kills me that he comes across as the hard-working single father that does charity work and has just been "unlucky" in love. That's they way he sucked me in.

Our minds want answers, and sometimes we default to comparing our current states of mind with the state of mind of our ex-partners.    It's natural, but ultimately, we begin healing when we start to pay attention to ourselves.

If only for a few minutes today, and maybe a few more minutes tomorrow, try to let go of imagining his story, and give yourself a break.  One thing I do is make a gratitude list of things in my life I am grateful for... . it has helped turn my focus back to me.

As the day that we were supposed to get married approaches (June 13th), I feel an increasing amount of anxiety and sadness. I understand that it's so much better that I found out who he really is before the wedding, but i'm just still having a hard time coming to terms with all that's happened. His "love" was so convincing, and that passionate, intimate period in our relationship was so deep and fulfilling that it feels nearly impossible to let go of.

I also miss his little girl... . I loved her as the daughter I never had, but always wanted. She is such a sweet soul. I ache to see her beautiful smile again, and I know now that I never will.

I know God must have bigger and better plans for me, and I am desperately clinging to that belief in order to get through each day, moment by moment. It's just so hard to release my broken dreams... . I miss the woman I was before my exBPD came into my life and crushed it to pieces.

I completely empathize.   I came here shattered too.   There are not easy answers, but there is a path back to yourself.   And you are on that path.   I now view this devastation as perhaps the best "worst" thing that has happened to me.   I gave me myself back.

We are here for you.  It's not about him anymore, it's about you.

Keep posting, my friend.

[Narellan]

CTP I've been thinking about you a lot since your last posts and wondering how you were holding up.   I know the excruciating pain you're going through. It's particularly hard when your ex is a public figure, mine is a professional photographer and its there in your face all the time in a local town where he lives down the street from me. How are you feeling since your first posts? That sounded like rockbottom to me.

Once you get to that point of no return in your heart, you will start to heal. It will be still rocky but not such a rollercoaster. I have days where I feel a bit stronger and smile a bit, and days where I still cry, but that knife in the gut pain has almost gone. It's only a month since I felt like you, so full of despair with the realisation I could not ever take him back. I have gone from excruciating dark thoughts of no way out of this, to now being able to see the path I need to take . NC has really helped tremendously.

I don't think they will ever leave our hearts, that is the borderline experience, but I can now look back clearer. I have learned and been better for the experience. I've heard it called " the gift  of the borderline" when we are stripped to the core like that we do a lot of soul searching we wouldn't have done otherwise . I feel like he slapped me awake, and my life has taken on a new meaning now I'm away from him. I'm really sad to have lost contact with my ex BPD family, but I need to do it for myself, to recover.

Take care of you sweetie. We all understand your pain on here and I'm really happy to see you still posting. 

[Forestaken]

He's a high-functioning BPD with narcissistic traits. , and the fact that he has a radio show and is a public figure where we live, just makes it even harder. It kills me that he comes across as the hard-working single father that does charity work and has just been "unlucky" in love. That's they way he sucked me in.

I know God must have bigger and better plans for me, and I am desperately clinging to that belief in order to get through each day, moment by moment. It's just so hard to release my broken dreams... . I miss the woman I was before my exBPD came into my life and crushed it to pieces.

I know the feeling my X was a SAHM, never lifted a finger, washed a plate. Was more work for me than my kids.

Her sister is as nuttier as her. Both are uBPD, my X: low functioning her sister: high functioning active in all the social and political circles.  In fact, 2 years ago while visiting my dad in another state.  I spotted both of them on the TV at a political rally.

You are the person you once were.  You just need to recapture it.  Explore outside your comfort zone I did.  It's scary isn't it?