KBNML
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15
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« on: May 07, 2014, 05:18:40 AM » |
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Here is a letter to my DBPDW who is living with parents and our daughters 3, 1.5 for a month now. I have been Low and things are bad. I have learned how I was making things worse after read the stuff on the site again. Before we got married I came here and read it helped out. “But” I didn’t learn to do things the right was I.E. the “BUT.”. I am trying to communicate what I see are the event of the past to maybe finally give her validation and show her that I understand where I was doing it wrong. She has been putting a lot of energy into getting better and it is working. She has asked me for validation and I thought I was. As you will read I have been More the problem lately and you will see why. Please tell me what may not work and maybe how to say it more correct as this is still a work in process. Is the structure work for a pwBPD. I’m open and coachable thanks. Type in green[/color] is for your information and will be changed to name or pulled out before it goes if that is what happens.
Dear Wife,
I have been taking a dept look at my actions and feeling over our relationship. I can now see a lot of the things that I was doing and doing by non action or improper delivery. I was hearing what you were saying back then but due to the cloud of emotions was not able to see fully how I was not doing what you were asking of me. By researching things deeper I now see truly what you asked of me and what I did were not the same. I was still doing the same thing just changing the why I presented it to you. For this I’m Sorry for the hurt I have caused with my actions and the position it has put our marriage in.
Here is what I now see has happen in the last three years and why they happened.
We got married Both of us on cloud nine, I asked to take a chance on our honeymoon week to try and conceive the first of the two children you wanted. As we put it if it happens it happens well it did even though you were only off the pill for two weeks. Now, you have told me that you would have liked to wait a year or two to start. I’m Sorry that we did talk more about it back then.
Daughter on way and you switched job only to have them not get the grant to be able to keep you new hires on. Which was a blessing because of the morning sickness and unemployment was helping. (We moved because of the friend we rented from broke it off with GF) Things got stressful as the job searches kept coming back as no for both of us. I was feeling scared about our finc. Situation with baby on way, and I you didn’t like the fact you were getting the shaft for the belly. We started fighting about the small thing while still talking productive about the job searches. Then I started over talking about the jobs and Got you stressed to the point that you didn’t want to talk. HERE STARTS THE TROUBLE CYCLE WE ALWAYS HAVE WITH ME PUSHING THE BIG ISSUE TO HARD ON YOU BY OVER TALKING THEM AND NOT ALLOWING TIME TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. (I had gone back to school while working and had been looking for a job for two yrs. She was Coming at me and the boys for every thing and then golden as the hormones would cycle daily I was not validate and would make it worse by using BUT statements.) I stepped up and took a job that had me out of town 10 days and back 5 days cycle. (Not in my field but got experience that would fill a missing requirement for it.Full days drive away.) Then things seemed to mello out for a short time ( I was getting Ten days to be my self and was having fun learning a new job. Bad thing was that and the due date pressure started her back up again dyreg. But in light of it looking back she handled it better than before I left for the job, She move to the basement to Isolate her self from us and has talking about how we were near the end of marriage if things didn’t change.) until the due date got close and I was so far away. I’m not sure if this was handled the best way, I have not come up with a better way I, we, could have handled it yet. I do know things started getting stressful again for both of us. I still was not validating your statement the proper way as you later would ask me to do. This will be a theme for the rest of the letter. So I will just but VAL by it here forward.
We got a break in a way with a job in my field and could start a week after baby was born only trouble was it was 12hrs. away. I worked the 4 days and drove back on the weekends for the first month. Then I was sure it was going to work out. You made the choice to move down with me and we would drive back twice a month to see the boys. We both knew this was going to be hard on you as anew mother with no support and me being on the road 3 nights a week most of the time. Not the start that we had planned on by any means. I’m not sure you ever felt good down there I know you tried hard to look that way for me. You gave up a lot for me by making that move. You handle that time better than I was giving you credit for back than as I look back. Things were calmer and we were bonding as a new family. You were learning how to be a awesome mother(which sometimes VAL wasn’t there) . You started making friends. You did a lot on your own because of my traveling. The good thing was and Stressful thing was you got to have focused time with Daughter. Then the travel for work and for family started to get to both of us. I know you were more vocal about this then I was. Which you present very well by the way it was constructive. I just didn’t know how to make it change this was troubling to me. Along with missing the boys now for almost a year of not having that daily contact. I could definitely done a better job dealing with these feelings. Yes, we talked a little about it as you would do but I didn’t engage whole heartedly in it. Hey, you’re smart, you already knew that. HA HA I know you always tell me that when I finely open up truthful. Back to the topic. Your family did take a back seat during that time frame. VAL Yes, I made sure we would stop and use Josh’s as a break sometimes. This was not enough for you I know.
Oh Yes, Then the Elephants in the room MOM well that was talked to death and then some. For this I can only say conflict avoidance and being a afraid of falling back into codependency pattern if I opened that door. She would say it correctly but way to often how my brother and I needed to address moms depression and spending, trying to make up for us as kids, after second divorce from UBPDH. She is also codependent, and passive-aggressive, which presents as Hording now. This was and is a weapon of W who plays both side of this battle to stir the pot. After talking to her this weekend I set boundaries that I would help her if she asked and she was working on herself. Examples not buy the kids stuff and she was helping also. I felt the emotional relief during and afterwards. I’m sorry that when we would talk about this the pain I was feeling about her position was put on you with an angry stance on the issue.
Well we are on that topic the same goes for the Major event this fall. There was a situation where I was holding in feeling that I was not aware I was having. When you first came to me about the Kiss I genuinely was proud of you and my comments and reactions were true. I even remember thinking about it later that next week while on the road saying to myself how much you have grown from your hard work in therapy. I was happy. I will come back to the rest of how it changed and why.
You decide that you need to get back into the workforce again after a time. This was great we where in a hard spot due to renter back home not paying rent for 3 months. I’m going to guess that had a little to do with this choice seeing how stressed I was with the situation. I was sliding here on the CODPY and conflict avoidance stance. I was not pushing hard enough to get him out or get rent as I was being big hearted for his situation. WHICH He DID COMPLETELY PUT HIMSELF IN NOT US. Then he left and I had to fix it up and then the flood totals the place.
This I think I actual handled well until they called the credit cards in and not deal on that situation. I got angry which is correct but then I didn’t deal with that side of the problem and not sure how then or now differently. These were Not good things and I was correct in the fact that I had no control over the events that happen. Emotions and stress Slowly started pulling me down and I was aware of it just thought it would leave once it was over with. The problem still is out there and at some point it did change to my fault that it was still here by not facing the truth about bankruptcy. YOU were right I like most people fine it a painful desion and because of how it came about. I should feel less pressure because of that. The businessman in me sees it as lack of foresight and under capitalizing so it makes me feel more shame. Like if I ran up the bills on purpose then want someone to bail me out. You know that is not one of my personal values. So it is very painful to have to file. I sorry for the stress this has caused you I know that this type of situation is a trigger for you.
We decide to have a second kid thinking the renter situation is clearing up with tax returns and all. That was almost true. Other reason you may have wanted back to work. You were stepping up financially maybe, well you get credit for it anyway. You have show great progress here picking up the slack as I started dropping the ball after we moved. Wait you picked up doing some of the bills because they were in your name due to how we had to sign up. Bonus ! Man I was overlooking a lot. Due to the stress of travel we looked at moving you back to the boys and I started looking for closer jobs.
We get a break with a new job for me at a location between are families and not too bad a drive for seeing the boys. Problem for you is that I told you 4 years when we first moved away, and you now have a job and friends , the house is becoming a home. Yes, it was a good thing in the plan. It doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt you and stress you and to change directions on you. Transitions are very hard on you I know. I could have show more compassion towards you during this time. In fact I know one time I was mean an told you that way are you not happy this is what you wanted. What I should of and I see now is that you can be happy to move back but still feel the pain of loss for moving. Man I can be a Blind at times.
The new position had less travel and you came on most because it was near friends and my family. We had to get readjust to each other being around all the time and the second baby here now. Sleep what was that. You handled the situation quiet well in hindsight. No different then any other couple if you take away the stress of the BANK. You stepped up big time in that area. Yes you did buy some new clothes for the girls but what mom doesn’t. With the stress of bill and two little ones you kept it down again growth on your part. As I fell down the hole.
You want to start make things more of a middle class family seeing that we were setting down for what looked to be the long haul. You really started to set roots down. You got friends stayed home with both girls for what six months then got a job. We had a few bumps with the boys, that will be changing just not sure to what level as we told them last weekend.
Need to go to sleep work in two hrs. During this time there were still the small things that happen very day but if not focus start to wear on you with a few fights about boys , my x, girls and money and I would not Validate as stated above. As I was now not getting my recovery time away from it. Fell back into Codependency again with depression. I even told her therapist this stated as we do better when I’m traveling say 2 days very other week would be ideal.
Thank you for your input on how you think this will work as she is currently wanting a separation through summer 3hrs away. I will post the rest of letter tomorrow as it has info on the other guy who lives by parents staying now.
Thanks
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