Best way to introduce uBPD in a custody evaluation?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Five months into divorcing my uBPD wife. Kids involved. We led with fair and reasonable proposal. She is seeking sole custody and scorched earth divorce to punish for abandonment. She is deliberately causing delays. Next step is a custody evaluation that we are initiating. What is the best way to introduce my historical observations and concerns to a custody evaluator without looking like I am simply disparaging uBPD spouse? i.e. Are there things that would cause a custody evaluator to ask the court to order a forensic psych eval of both of us? How to bring up uBPD without looking like a blamer myself?

Thanks in advance for any insight.

[cobaltblue]

Five months into divorcing my uBPD wife. Kids involved. We led with fair and reasonable proposal. She is seeking sole custody and scorched earth divorce to punish for abandonment. She is deliberately causing delays. Next step is a custody evaluation that we are initiating. What is the best way to introduce my historical observations and concerns to a custody evaluator without looking like I am simply disparaging uBPD spouse? i.e. Are there things that would cause a custody evaluator to ask the court to order a forensic psych eval of both of us? How to bring up uBPD without looking like a blamer myself?

Thanks in advance for any insight.

[ugghh]

Some questions and suggestions.

First, have you sought counseling for yourself individually as well as made it available for your kids?  Not only for your only emotional health and well being but because it helps you appear as the sane, rational parent who wants what is best for the kids.

Have you obtained and read Splitting by Bill Eddy?  When talking to the CE / GAL I tried to follow the advice of the book.  Do not try to appear to diagnose your spouse as crazy or having BPD, instead you try to create a persistent story line for evaluator where you are simply sharing observations of patterns of behavior.  You are looking to establish that you play a regular, consistent role in the childrens lives versus the unstable influence of uBPDw.

For example when discussing a typical day, I mentioned that I take the kids to school every morning.  Evaluator looked up and said "Wait doesn't stbx teach at kid's school?"  I said yes however proceeded to explain how oldest son got 50 tardies his freshman year because uBPDw could not get him to school on time and it was having negative effect on his view of school, so I just stepped in and fixed it.

In general, stay focused on what you do and make subtle references to the STBX behavior.  A good evaluator will pick up on the clues and probe further

[cobaltblue]

Yes on counseling for me. Working on counseling for kids. They have resisted it but will make it happen. I read splitting already. Thanks for info on verbiage. So can a custody evaluation finding clue the evaluator into requesting a full psych eval of both parents? Ultimately would like that.

[ForeverDad]

Isn't your custody evaluator going to administer psych tests anyway, such as well-respected MMPI-2?

Quite likely your spouse will paint you blacker than black and have nothing good to say about you.  That's not a balanced view, it's an indication she has rewritten the past.  After all you were married for a number of years and have multiple children, surely there must have been some good memories.  But a person with BPD (pwBPD) will have an extreme view, either one extreme or the other, either all good or all bad.  At the end of a relationship the constant back and forth halts with you permanently painted black.  As for yourself, note that contrast between yourselves, be sure to mention some wonderful past events, showing you haven't rewritten the past based on how you view her current behaviors, yet also not that her progressively extreme perceptions, ultimatums, demands, are what triggered the need for a divorce, that you came to realize that for your children to have a stable and healthy home, your needed to separate and provide it for them, that the dysfunctional and unhealthy environment with your spouse was harming both yourself, the children and the children's futures.

Focus on behaviors more than a label or diagnosis.  While there are some courts decisions that reference a spouse diagnosed with BPD, NPD, HPD, ASPD, PPD (Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic, AntiSocial, Paranoid) it appears that in most cases there never is a reported diagnosis.  There are a few reasons for that.  Courts don't like to label a person, it hopes that once the divorce is final then the heightened emotions and conflict will calm down.  Sadly, that doesn't happen with these acting-out PD cases.  Medical health professionals are often reluctant to diagnose that since (1) it can inflame Denial in the person and even give the person an idea to Blame/Project BPD onto the other spouse or (2) in the past BPD was often considered incurable and insurance refused to extend coverage for therapy.  So even if the expert therapist was using CBT or DBT, the therapy wasn't specifically identified to the patient to avoid overreaction and Denial.

In my case, the CE stated up front, "I'm not here to diagnose anyone.  I am to report to the court my evaluation of the family situation regarding custody and related matters.  Also, parenting history time is a large factor in the outcome."  I really felt down about that.  The CE report was delayed because my ex insisted on writing her test answers in Spanish - half her youth was in a Spanish area and half in English areas - and so the CE had to hire a translator.  (Oh, did I mention that my ex was a certified medical and legal interpreter?  )  The initial report viewed by the court's main judge and the lawyers concluded basically that "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can.  Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... . If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then father should have custody."  Sadly, as strong as the report was, the court took it in stride, didn't revoke mother's temporary custody and proceeded on to the next step in the divorce process, a settlement conference.  In other words, I did get an excellent CE but the court stuck with its slow process.

So, realizing that labeling and name calling can backfire - judges and other professionals don't want us to Play Doctor - then stick with behaviors and behavior patterns.  Realize that parenting behaviors will probably get far more attention and response than adult behaviors.  It will be a challenge to have them to consider both the parenting and the adult aspects.  Likely your spouse's behaviors with the children will be subtly off yet still concerning while her worst behaviors were/are with you.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships and what is closer than a spouse?  If your Custody Evaluator is perceptive and experienced, your detailing the many behaviors and behaviors patterns (with documentation to support it) will remind the CE of those lists of traits for personality disorder(s).  IF your Custody Evaluator is perceptive and experienced.  Hmm, maybe you can sneak in, "From one day to the next, from one minute to the next, it's hard to know whether she's crazy or not, she's so back and forth and so borderline in between."  While we can't say categorically you can't mention what your working scenario is, that knowledge of BPD traits is helping you to navigate this difficult situation now, it may be helpful in your case, do be sure to give emphasis to the behaviors and patterns.

Don't just pick any evaluator out of your hat.  Ask around, likely your lawyer or others can tell you which have good reputations and which don't.  And don't go for the cheapest - penny smart and pound foolish - our custody evaluations often take longer and end up more expensive than initial quotes, so choose one who is experienced, perceptive and not one easily conned or just a rubber stamp for mothers having custody as happened in past decades under the Tender Years Doctrine.

[david]

Stating facts without drawing the conclusion (ex has mental health issues,etc).

I am currently going through a custody eval so I can tell you exactly what is happening. Our first meeting together I addressed my concerns. I am doing over 90% of all homeworks even though ex has majority of time with kids during the school year. The summer is week on/week off and I didn't want to change that. I gave one page with the specific numbers. I offered, and it wasn't asked for, every homework from last year. I copied every single one. I also had copies of every one from this year. I initialed the ones done when with me and ex initialed the ones done with her. Ex replied, and I quote (we have a s15 and S10), "I already did 4th grade homework and I have no intention of doing it again." The evaluator looked at me. I said , "I have no problem doing all the kids homeworks with them. However, I do not think it fair that I have less time so the kids have to cram all their work when they are with me. I need more time." That was our first meeting and that was the most memorable exchange. Our second meeting was yesterday. I pointed out that S15 wasn't doing his homework at his moms but was doing it at my place. Ex replied that she was not going to sit down with S15 and do his homework with him. She believed he was too old for that and he should be doing it on his own. The evaluator looked at me. I stated the truth. I do not sit down with S15 when he is doing his homework. I do require that when he is done that I am to see everything to make sure it is all done. I occasionally check it further by asking questions about specific things he is doing. Ex turned around and blamed me because and I quote, ":)avid is not supporting me with S15's homework. He should put his foot up S15's butt to make him do homework when he is with me." Give a BPD enough rope and they will use it. The trick is for you to be emotionally detached enough to see things as they are. That took me several years and a good therapist. The anger and the rages are still there unless the BPD is getting real therapy. Not reacting has the effect on my ex to up the ante with her accusations as ridiculous as they are. Shifting blame is my ex's number one strategy. Learning her playbook took time.

Ex's issues are if I get more time the children will be kicked out of their school since we live in different school districts. I had a copy of the state law which sayss that is not true. I also stated that my atty assured me that was not true and that he could write up an agreement stating that both boys would continue their education where they are now. In addition , I would give a copy to ex so she could have her atty look at it. Once it was agreed upon I would pay my atty to present it in court with both our signatures. The second issue was she claimed that the boys would be taken off her health insurance. She has a much better plan then I do. I pointed out that her son from her first marriage is covered under her plan and that he does not live with her. She denied that at the first meeting. Between the first and second meeting S10 got sick and I took him to the pediatrician. They asked for their health insurance card. Unfortunately, the card I had was from last year because ex never gave me a new one for this year. The pediatrician already had the info but they just like to copy it everytime someone shows up. However, the insurance card had everyone that was covered and yep you got it her son and my stepson was on that card. The longer things go the more lies are uncovered.

[cobaltblue]

@ForeverDad - Thanks for taking the time to share all this great info. Definitely useful!

[cobaltblue]

@David - Thanks! Your situation sounds exactly like a couple I know who are divorced and the BPDeh practices time sabotage against the non ex wife.

He will deliberately not do homework with them and distract them so that they have to do all their homework when with the mom and there is no time for fun.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Yeah I'm journaling what I do with them in prep for the CE, but it's obvious she is counting and keeping score of what she does and she's filing for primary caregiver status to give her an edge in custody... .

[ForeverDad]

Son's new therapist - he had 'graduated' back in 2011 with prior therapist's blessing - has commented multiple times that his diagnosis of anxiety is understandable due to the years of conflict but a bit perplexed why he needed therapy resumed.  I've said it was pushed by ex's lawyer and so the court agreed.  (Also court said that ex might not have insurance or afford it and so should attend son's therapy if therapist agreed but therapist squashed that idea saying the agency serves only children and doesn't give therapy to adults.  That order mystified me too because I thought the ACA or ObamaCare made insurance 'affordable' for everyone.  )

We just discussed yesterday afternoon in session that son didn't do homework at ex's home because he claims he has very little time with her since I finally got majority time a few months ago (she now has alternate weekends and six hours every Wednesday after school).  We don't communicate so, just as david remarked, I can't control and don't try to control what happens at my ex's home.

[cobaltblue]

Interesting. Thanks for sharing. Yeah I'm up against two challenges now: 1. It's not clear to me what matters and what does not with regard to "being involved" with the kids and journaling it. Attorney has not been clear in this area with regard to custody/parenting. Anything you can share or resources would be appreciated. Trying to nail down a good journaling format for the CE. 2. Trying to figure out a way to get the kids into counseling without exBPDw controlling and micro managing the session and using it to get third party validation / advocate to confirm blaming me and validate her as a victim. Happened every time in couple's therapy and I know it will happen in kids but I have to at least try to get them some help... .

[ForeverDad]

Courts love counseling for the children.  If you want it and your stbEx doesn't then court will most likely side with you.  However, if she has temp custody, you are right that she will find other ways to obstruct and sabotage, probably try to get a therapist easily conned by emotionally charged claims presented as 'facts'.  You need an experienced and perceptive therapist.  If you can, do the research to find a few experienced ones that you believe would be excellent.  Then present that list to the judge and just may turn to her and tell her to choose one from your short list. If you give just one name, judge may not want to force her to use that one but with a list you may get her required to use one of those.  Also, make sure that court agrees you can and should bring the children to/from at least some of their sessions, perhaps alternating sessions.  (If she says she doesn't want it or can't do it, then you smile and tell the court you'd be happy to take them there for all the sessions.  )  She will try to schedule times or locations that conflict with your work schedule so make sure that is nipped in the bud.

At first my ex convinced them I was a suspected child abuser, she was desperately seeking out "negative advocates".  When I found out about the therapy months later, I met with them but they kept their distance and were uninformative.  I offered to share our family history and circumstances but they asked nothing of me, not one question.  They said I could request his therapy records (Protected Health Information) but then when I did they responded with a short form letter checking the box that I was "likely to be dangerous to the health or life of patient or others".  It took another year and a court order to get past that wall my ex built.  Now, years later, it's the reverse, they don't even want her there.