Is this a re-engagement or charm?

[Climbmountains91]

Read my last thread from two weeks ago and i will explain whats going on now... .

I think its the start of a re-engagement/charm but i don't know, i'm still getting to grips and learning all about BPD so sorry i'm a bit slow with it. Anyway for the last week or so we just seem to be getting on so well like old times but no romantic stuff going on or anything like that, just seem to be getting on like really good friends. He sorted my phone out for me as i due an upgrade and it gives him a sense of an ego boost to help me out with that apparently so he says but hey it got sorted and i'm so grateful, i wouldn't of known what to do and i got a good deal, £10 in cash back and didn't have to pay the upfront charge of £60 as he knows how to sweet talk them.

He's been texting me all week morning til time i go to bed things like "hey you OK, what you up to", "you having fun with your mate", "thanks for today was great seeing you both (me & our daughter) let me know when your home", "you wanna go to ... . on Monday again" and just general banter, even long paragraphs about what he's been up to and whatever. The general texts though are nearly all day, obviously I've been falling for it and getting sucked back in, Its just all strange to me because we haven't been like this, since when we met. Today i realized though i am getting sucked back in and pulled the reins back a bit and haven't texted him since this morning but have got 5 texts off him. I'm even getting smiley faces and two kisses at the end of texts. He's brought me lunch twice. He even spent all day last Sunday trying to get hold of his mum to see if she was having our daughter as she said she might be having her the next day but wasn't giving us a straight answer. If she was having her he asked me to go to the cinema with him, nothing romantic though. As i said we never got on this well since we started dating which was two years ago, since then its been on and off. Its a trial separation at the moment. 

So yeah don't know what to think, re-engagement, charm or am i just reading to much into it?   

[Perdita]

Hi Climbmountains,

Nice to see you on here again. 

He is love bombing you and naturally you are enjoying the attention.  I will keep my advice short and simple.  Be careful that he doesn't become the center of your universe again.  We all know how easily and quickly that happens.  Continue to see him if that's what you want, but if I were in your shoes (in a way I am! )  I would not make myself too available to him.  That's hard advice to follow when you are suddenly receiving so much attention from him, but you can't lose yourself in the relationship.  Don't agree to see him every time he asks to, say 'no' but suggest another day.  Ive been learning that it is not good to be available to these guys whenever they want us.  I think that's when they start to resent us all over again.

[Climbmountains91]

Hi Climbmountains,

Nice to see you on here again. 

He is love bombing you and naturally you are enjoying the attention.  I will keep my advice short and simple.  Be careful that he doesn't become the center of your universe again.  We all know how easily and quickly that happens.  Continue to see him if that's what you want, but if I were in your shoes (in a way I am! )  I would not make myself too available to him.  That's hard advice to follow when you are suddenly receiving so much attention from him, but you can't lose yourself in the relationship.  Don't agree to see him every time he asks to, say 'no' but suggest another day.  Ive been learning that it is not good to be available to these guys whenever they want us.  I think that's when they start to resent us all over again.

Thank you for the advise Hun it's a bit hard as well because we have a daughter together so if I say no he'll bring out the card of "your stopping me seeing my daughter bla bla bla" ! Also I've only been available to him recently because I've had appointments and I needed someone to look after our daughter as there's no one else to have her. But after Monday my last appointment for a while I'll start distancing myself a little and not be so available to him I'll make him work for it. 

[Perdita]

But after Monday my last appointment for a while I'll start distancing myself a little and not be so available to him I'll make him work for it. 

It is hard to set those boundaries, but we really have to keep working at it or we end up losing ourselves again.  It's a day to day thing.  Still figuring it out myself. 

[Climbmountains91]

But after Monday my last appointment for a while I'll start distancing myself a little and not be so available to him I'll make him work for it. 

It is hard to set those boundaries, but we really have to keep working at it or we end up losing ourselves again.  It's a day to day thing.  Still figuring it out myself. 

Aww I know it is so hard, especially when there's children involved.

Can it still be classed as love bombing even if no romantic stuff is happening?

He also keeps saying things like "I Admire your strength so much, your so strong, I don't know how you do it". By this he means looking after our daughter because even if his in her company for a few hours he feels completely drained which is just sad to hear  it's like idealisation in a way?

[Perdita]

Aww I know it is so hard, especially when there's children involved.

Can it still be classed as love bombing even if no romantic stuff is happening?

I can only speak from personal experience: yes.  Others might have a different experience with this.  It is in fact happening to me right now too, although not with all the compliments and sweetness. I think this is how they draw us back in.  Even if you are thinking "OK, we are going to be just friends" ... . next thing you know you have those old feelings back and then everything gets complicated all over again. 

He also keeps saying things like "I Admire your strength so much, your so strong, I don't know how you do it". By this he means looking after our daughter because even if his in her company for a few hours he feels completely drained which is just sad to hear  it's like idealisation in a way?

I would think so.  It is good that he appreciates you as the mother of his child though.  He will always be in your life due to that bond.  If you do decide to try and have another go at it, you will need to set boundaries so your identity doesn't get lost in his.  This is very hard to do and takes a lot of strength and ... . vigilance.

You will be facing a lot of challenges even if you decide not to get back together with him.  I don't think it will be a smooth process, but one that you will have to work on for your daughter's sake.  Yet at the same time not allowing him to take away your power.

Take it very slow.  Like I said before, don't make yourself too available to him.  I'm in that same boat right now. 

[Climbmountains91]

Aww I know it is so hard, especially when there's children involved.

Can it still be classed as love bombing even if no romantic stuff is happening?

I can only speak from personal experience: yes.  Others might have a different experience with this.  It is in fact happening to me right now too, although not with all the compliments and sweetness. I think this is how they draw us back in.  Even if you are thinking "OK, we are going to be just friends" ... . next thing you know you have those old feelings back and then everything gets complicated all over again. 

He also keeps saying things like "I Admire your strength so much, your so strong, I don't know how you do it". By this he means looking after our daughter because even if his in her company for a few hours he feels completely drained which is just sad to hear  it's like idealisation in a way?

I would think so.  It is good that he appreciates you as the mother of his child though.  He will always be in your life due to that bond.  If you do decide to try and have another go at it, you will need to set boundaries so your identity doesn't get lost in his.  This is very hard to do and takes a lot of strength and ... . vigilance.

You will be facing a lot of challenges even if you decide not to get back together with him.  I don't think it will be a smooth process, but one that you will have to work on for your daughter's sake.  Yet at the same time not allowing him to take away your power.

Take it very slow.  Like I said before, don't make yourself too available to him.  I'm in that same boat right now. 

I cant believe we would ever get to this stage again, I don't weather to see it as an achievement for us, him but realistically i need to protect my heart so i'm going to make him work ever so hard for it. Obviously in the future i want us to get back together because he is the father to our child, i will always love him and love him very deeply, I can't seem to look at another guy the same anymore and its weird because after other break ups thats never happened before. (cliche and all that but its true).

I know it is nice to hear but he says it every time we meet its like "hmm ok stop putting me on the pedestal" but then another side of me is like "yayayay " !

Just finding it all so weird like he doesn't even text back five hours later like he used to its usually between 10/20 mins ! He says things like "your crap texting back haha:P" obviously this is banter. I felt a bit low after texting yesterday though as we were talking about maybe getting a babysitter now and again, he said he'll pay most but i said we'll pay half then he said he'll have a chat with his mum or auntie to see if they would like to have her next weekend or if there free, by this point i was getting my hopes up and fantasized us taking it slow, going out as friends every two weeks or every month whenever i could get someone to have her and we'd have this new life (getting sucked in again) but then i seen the sentence "so you can go out with your mate" I was gutted. I explained that my friend doesn't really do drinking and clubs thing, he said "just ask her, take her to the pub then maybe if shes drunk she'll go to a club" i explained she doesn't like to be away from her little one whose younger than our daughter. He suggested what about a friend from my hometown. This point i wasn't happy, it was like "thanks so you don't wanna go on a night out with me" I didn't text this but that's what my mind said, i was a bit gutted to be honest. I was going to text, i wrote it out "well lucky one of us gets to have a life while i'm stuck here isolated, looking after a baby, no its ok you don't wanna go on a night out with me, i'll just go on my own get raped or something". As i said didn't send it because it was childish of me really and I didn't want to start an argument, especially with a BPD. I stopped texting him all day then, let myself calm down over nothing and pulling the reins back.

Sorry I've just rambled there. I hope it makes sense !

[Perdita]

As i said didn't send it because it was childish of me really and I didn't want to start an argument, especially with a BPD. I stopped texting him all day then, let myself calm down over nothing and pulling the reins back.

Well done.  I think you handled it the best way you could.  That takes a lot of self-control to step back like that. 

[patientandclear]

It's quite possible he was leaving it to you to suggest getting together.  Fear of rejection lies on all sides.  Him pre-emptively saying he assumed you'd want to go out with a friend may just be his own way of protecting himself from rejection by you.

Fear of hurt causes so much distortion in what is being communicated.  Now you've pulled back so he may have the same impression (you wouldn't possibly want to go out with him).

Not remotely saying that re-engaging in this r/ship is the right choice -- I haven't read your past posts and know nothing! -- but if that's what you wanted, you need to bear in mind that he also is guarding and protecting himself, probably in some dysfunctional and highly confusing ways if he has BPD.

[Climbmountains91]

It's quite possible he was leaving it to you to suggest getting together.  Fear of rejection lies on all sides.  Him pre-emptively saying he assumed you'd want to go out with a friend may just be his own way of protecting himself from rejection by you.

Fear of hurt causes so much distortion in what is being communicated.  Now you've pulled back so he may have the same impression (you wouldn't possibly want to go out with him).

Not remotely saying that re-engaging in this r/ship is the right choice -- I haven't read your past posts and know nothing! -- but if that's what you wanted, you need to bear in mind that he also is guarding and protecting himself, probably in some dysfunctional and highly confusing ways if he has BPD.

Thank you Perdita   hehe!

I never thought of it that way patientandclear though knowing him its like he doesn't want the responsibility of me so pushes me off onto other people, well that's probably me thinking that way as my self esteems at an all time low. ! And that he wants me to have a life up here and have my own friends etc... and that i should be going out with my friends not always him, not like i do anyway anymore.

UGH! so tiring the thought process. ! YAWN!