Hurting/feelng dumb

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Feel sick to my stomach im so hurt... .    

this is a terrible feeling to have. when our emotions are so painful that it affects us physically. i hope you feel better after a while. 

Why sleep with me?

because he wanted to. i really do think it's as simple as that.


Why let me see that?

again, because he wanted to, so that you would feel the pain he feels all the time. remember, he thinks he feels like crap because it's all your fault. it's projection and it's simply how their brains operate. yuck. i remember the slimy facebook posts. just make sure to never give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his stupid games affect you. we can't stop them from being ___h//// but we can at least mitigate how much pleasure they derive from it.

[goldylamont]

Feel sick to my stomach im so hurt... .    

this is a terrible feeling to have. when our emotions are so painful that it affects us physically. i hope you feel better after a while. 

Why sleep with me?

because he wanted to. i really do think it's as simple as that.


Why let me see that?

again, because he wanted to, so that you would feel the pain he feels all the time. remember, he thinks he feels like crap because it's all your fault. it's projection and it's simply how their brains operate. yuck. i remember the slimy facebook posts. just make sure to never give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his stupid games affect you. we can't stop them from being ___h//// but we can at least mitigate how much pleasure they derive from it.

[Narellan]

Sweetie mine plays FB games all the time. Blocked unblocked friend requests/ deleted 4 times in 4 months. He is messing with your head. Don't let him. He is sick. He's trying to get a reaction like mine did by posting nudes. I can only give you one piece if very good advice and that is deactivate FB for a while. I did. My theory was if I blocked him that's a reaction and hell enjoy that. So I got off for a while. And the posts now can't get to me, also he's stopped posting nudes of me my friends will tell me if he does again. Mines also targeted my ex best friend as replacement to get a reaction.

What did I do to deserve this? I loved him unconditionally. And that scares him. So he will punish me until he feels better and then tries to recycle me and see if I still am attached to him. Get off the merry go round. Take yourself out if the game and it will stop. Please read through my postings. I know how hard it is and what you're going through. Come on here instead of FB for a while and regain your sense of self again. Big hugs to you 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you for responding I cant even sleep. Im his first so there

Are no other exes.

He has never talked to this girl its a silly crush. But yes... .

He is TOTALLY idolizing.

I dont get why being so sweet (the reason he unblocked me is to

Communicate he told me he was going to unblock me)

Or why he wants to punish... He admits the reason we cant be is

Bc of his bs disorder. So what the heck. I even mentioned over the weekend

How I would feel like s* if I heard about that stuff.

I jist dont get it. Male it private so as not to hurt me.

We have supposedly "made up" at least as friends... .

Why unblock me and let me see? We re not fighting.

Yes feel physically ill over it.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He even made it to where i cant see his previous posts! Imes where he mentions me or her... . But leaves this ome public for me to see?

We re not fighting so I jist domt get it.

And he is choosing not be w me.

Is it bc I walked away for 3 weeks?

He told me he felt abandoned when I did that

[Narellan]

Hbr  no it's nothing that you did. He is distancing himself because he can't cope with his turmoil of emotions. He is sick. You aren't . You're trying to rationalise from a healthy mind. You can't rationalise his behaviour. It will make you sick if you try to. What you are feeling is pain and rejection. Mine too left it as just friends then continued to try to hurt me. You have to do something to protect yourself. Get off FB. That's a start. And feel your pain. I had sleepless nights for weeks and was vomiting and not eating. It's stress. Just get into bed and cry about how you feel. Try not to act while you're feeling this low. Trust me you will feel lower if you try to push him or contact him now. Xx

[sirensong65]

I want to strongly suggest that YOU take control of the situation and block HIM on FB so you can't see anything.  Why torture yourself? 

I blocked him when I went no contact 6 weeks ago.  I'm sure I would be set WAY back if I could stalk his page, but  choose to really move forward.

I know how you feel, I truly do but if you continue to have contact with him, this will not end well for you.  You see, you don't control the ending.  The play was written before he ever met you, and he knows how to set the stage, where you must stand to hit your lines, and where he exits.  HE wrote the play, he c hose you to be the leading lady at that time, but this was ever meant to be a "you and he riding off into the sunset" moment.

Let him go.

[Infared]

Hbr  no it's nothing that you did. He is distancing himself because he can't cope with his turmoil of emotions. He is sick. You aren't . You're trying to rationalise from a healthy mind. You can't rationalise his behaviour. It will make you sick if you try to. What you are feeling is pain and rejection. Mine too left it as just friends then continued to try to hurt me. You have to do something to protect yourself. Get off FB. That's a start. And feel your pain. I had sleepless nights for weeks and was vomiting and not eating. It's stress. Just get into bed and cry about how you feel. Try not to act while you're feeling this low. Trust me you will feel lower if you try to push him or contact him now. Xx

GREAT advice. The "friends" deal was only so my pwBPD could see if I was still hooked and to abuse me. She was off with her new hero and I was now the villian. I went thru the same things Narelian during initial NC.  I went 2 whole months without sleeping, vomiting, lost 30lbs.  I did absolutely no contact and gotinto therapy and a support group.  I could not have gotten thru it without guidance the support group. The pain is is real, but I had to face it and go thru it to survive and heal. I had to turn all my love toward me. The attachment is very powerful... . but we can get thru it and survive. Look at all the survivors here on the website.

[going places]

www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399461105&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=emotiaonaly+abused+woman

My heart breaks for you, and where you are right now.

I know your hurt, and sorrow, and I would wish that on no one.

This is an easy read, and an eye opener.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I want to strongly suggest that YOU take control of the situation and block HIM on FB so you can't see anything.  Why torture yourself? 

I blocked him when I went no contact 6 weeks ago.  I'm sure I would be set WAY back if I could stalk his page, but  choose to really move forward.

I know how you feel, I truly do but if you continue to have contact with him, this will not end well for you.  You see, you don't control the ending.  The play was written before he ever met you, and he knows how to set the stage, where you must stand to hit your lines, and where he exits.  HE wrote the play, he c hose you to be the leading lady at that time, but this was ever meant to be a "you and he riding off into the sunset" moment.

Let him go.

We had agreed to talk again je said he would unblock me... . I dont want to just abandon him... I dont want him feeling that way.

Iwhen I went nc I failed... Im thinking of doing limited contact and the fade out...

So as to avoid drama... And also not make him feel like im going to jist keep going nc then coming back again.

[1KitKat]

Hmmm... .   avoid drama... .   for you or for him?  I see it this way:  get some drama going, observe it, live it, breathe it (get MAD) and then it'll be done and over with.  This is not for the faint of heart, mind you, but it is a very productive way to get to the heart of the matter.  If you want to go NC, go totally NC without the 'fadeout' routine, because you will get reeled back in whenever you are the least strong.  This is JUST my opinion, HBR.  I don't mean to tell you what to do, but maybe, just maybe, it could work.

Hugz

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Why in the f* would he want to reel me in

When he has obviously replaced me.

I feel so sick to my stomach.

What are the first steps to start nc again?

Maybe thats a dumb question but im so sick over it I cant think straight

[going places]

1. Block ALL access to EVERY social media avenue (FB / Vine / Instagram, etc)

2. Block ALL access to email, websites, linked in, etc.

3. Block ALL access to cell phones, land lines, etc.

4. DO ALL OF THIS WITHOUT TELLING HIM. Just do it.

5. When breaking a bad habit, you remove the bad habit and replace it with something good. Like if you were a smoker, and smoked in the car, replace that cigarette with carrot sticks.

Bad for good.

Find something positive and productive to do with all the time you are spending now, ruminating and stressing over this dude.

6. Prayer. Lots of it.

[1KitKat]

going places has it all right, HBR.  When you cut, you cut.  You don't tell anyone, least of all him.  You just do it.  Perhaps you are not ready; this is the Journey of Life.  When you are ready, you will know.  If there is any remaining, niggling doubt that you should end the relationship once and for all, know that the clarity will come to you at some point.

When I talk about reeling you in and why he would want to do that, I don't have an answer as to 'why', but just know that he is doing it.  You still form a part of his current circle of 'friends', and you need to know that.  He has not yet let go of you.  He may not even be consciously aware that he is doing this.  It is up to you to go with your intuition each time, and if you sense that you are being called back, it is your decision as to whether or not you want to go there again.  If you keep going, there will be an 'again and again'.  You probably know this deep down.

Refer to the cigarette in the car scenario (again, going places) when you are not sure but have a funny feeling, and treat yourself as a recovering addict; by this I mean, treat each situation independently, move in the direction you feel you should go, put it to bed and move to the next one.  You are not right or wrong, there is nothing right or wrong in any of this.  When you are ready, you will go.  One minute at a time.  We are all here with you, whichever route you decide on any given day.  Keep posting, Sister.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

My post was moved, and I have no clue where it went... which I am irritated about b/c I was getting support

leaving and establishing NC.

Thus far I have deactivated my FB accounts.

How do I block his number on phone?

This is really hard ya'll... .

How do I be gracious about it as well?

I need so much support made it 22 days...

slept with him... he sweet talked me...

then unblocked me from fb

left one post public: the one about another girl

he wants to date.

Devastated... . trying to start nc again.

[BorisAcusio]

You should redirect some of your energy to investige WHY he's doing things, identify the common patterns, how they function, what motivates them. There are great posts from the respectable members: 2010, BPDspell, LongGoneEX, goldylamont. Just to name few.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

thanks guys... I deactivated fb... . Why would he still be holding on

If he doesnt even want me... ?

I just dont understand why he would put me through this.

[Perdita]

HBR,

Honestly, I don't think you are going to get anywhere by wondering why he is doing all these things.  It could well be that he is still uncertain about how hooked his new pedestal girl is and is holding onto you as his backup.  Sad thing is that even if he does come back - and I think he will - he will sooner rather than later repeat the same pattern. 

What strikes me about your posts in this thread is that you keep worrying about him feeling bad, about him feeling abandoned, about him being alone.  What about YOU?  What about what his heartless actions are doing to you?  Do you think he is feeling bad about what he is putting you through?  What about worrying and caring about yourself for a change instead of him?

This whole fb thing ... . it is all very passive agressive behaviour from him.  As for the nude photo, Narellan gave some excellent advice about that.  I think both your experiences should be a lesson to all to never allow photos to be taken that might be used against you later.  There are many who have been hurt in this way and not only by BP people.

The fact that he told you he doesn't want a relationship, but still wants you for sex when it suits him, speaks volumes.  Unless you take drastic steps, you will end up back in bed with him and he almost certainly will then behave yet again in the same manner he is now.  Everytime he gets you back in bed you will suffer the consequences afterwards of knowing that you have again betrayed your values.  He will take a piece of your soul with him everytime.

HBR, another important thing for you to consider is your daughter.  Can you honestly say that you have been 100% present through all this?  She looks up to you.  Do you want her to see her mommy being used and hurt all the time?  Don't you think she deserves a happy mommy?

[LettingGo14]

thanks guys... I deactivated fb... . Why would he still be holding on

If he doesnt even want me... ?

I just dont understand why he would put me through this.

HBR -- I don't know if we ever get understanding as to why someone else acts in a certain way.  For me, I know I project my feelings/wants into situations with my ex.   It keeps us stuck trying to figure out another's actions.   

The starting place is our feelings and wants.  And learning that we have power to self-soothe and draw boundaries and take care of ourselves.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

HBR,

Honestly, I don't think you are going to get anywhere by wondering why he is doing all these things.  It could well be that he is still uncertain about how hooked his new pedestal girl is and is holding onto you as his backup.  Sad thing is that even if he does come back - and I think he will - he will sooner rather than later repeat the same pattern. 

What strikes me about your posts in this thread is that you keep worrying about him feeling bad, about him feeling abandoned, about him being alone.  What about YOU?  What about what his heartless actions are doing to you?  Do you think he is feeling bad about what he is putting you through?  What about worrying and caring about yourself for a change instead of him?

This whole fb thing ... . it is all very passive agressive behaviour from him.  As for the nude photo, Narellan gave some excellent advice about that.  I think both your experiences should be a lesson to all to never allow photos to be taken that might be used against you later.  There are many who have been hurt in this way and not only by BP people.

The fact that he told you he doesn't want a relationship, but still wants you for sex when it suits him, speaks volumes.  Unless you take drastic steps, you will end up back in bed with him and he almost certainly will then behave yet again in the same manner he is now.  Everytime he gets you back in bed you will suffer the consequences afterwards of knowing that you have again betrayed your values.  He will take a piece of your soul with him everytime.

HBR, another important thing for you to consider is your daughter.  Can you honestly say that you have been 100% present through all this?  She looks up to you.  Do you want her to see her mommy being used and hurt all the time?  Don't you think she deserves a happy mommy?

I don't know why I do this... I have done it with every single one of my exes.

I don't want to hurt them/be bad to them. I think it was because I was abused

so much as a child... it is really difficult for me to do something that could even remotely hurt someone.

I don't even feel resentful... I just put their needs ahead of my own completely. Someone mentioned a

savior complex... totally. And I hate it... because what happens is I keep trying to prove myself to people who don't

deserve it. The more I do for the them ... . the worst they treat me... the harder I try. It is an exhausting and vicious

cycle I just don't know how to get out of.

thanks guys... I deactivated fb... . Why would he still be holding on

If he doesnt even want me... ?

I just dont understand why he would put me through this.

HBR -- I don't know if we ever get understanding as to why someone else acts in a certain way.  For me, I know I project my feelings/wants into situations with my ex.   It keeps us stuck trying to figure out another's actions.   

The starting place is our feelings and wants.  And learning that we have power to self-soothe and draw boundaries and take care of ourselves.

I'm very obsessive... that's why I just deactivated my fb account... I know I won't be able to resist

looking at his page... even if I block him... I'll just create another account. So screw it... I am going to let

it go for a few months until I am over him.

Last time I did this... there was less anxiety... I think b/c a part of me wanted to prove something...

and I wanted him to prove that he wanted me...

This time I am so scared and feeling so much anxiety b/c I know it HAS to be done.

It's very frightening for me.

[Perdita]

I just put their needs ahead of my own completely.

HBR,

Many of us have told you to start focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself.  Have you done anything just for yourself this week?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Im so exhausted physically and mentally. I keep trying ti catch up on all the

Sleep iv lost but my mund wont let me. So frustrating.

[Perdita]

Do something for yourself.  Take a luxuriously long bath with candles, soft music, the whole 9 yards.  Just please do something special for yourself.  Don't fall asleep in the bath though!

[Narellan]

I'm so proud if you deactivating FB .   well done sweetie! Huge pat on the back. This is showing him you won't be playing his game. If you'd just blocked him, he would see that as a win for him... . That he's getting under your skin. Deactivating is something you're doing for you, and nothing directed at him. I truly feel better for doing this myself. When I get tempted to reactivate I remember the pain of the things I saw last time and this deters me.

I am similar to you with relationships. I give them my all to my own detriment. It's called co dependant, where you value the relationship more than yourself. Do some reading up on this.i learned lots about myself from this site. Lots of great lessons.

You already sound better today. Because you made a decision to get off the merry go round. The first step is the hardest.

I don't see you as having a " doormat personality" you seem like a pretty fiesty little thing that knows right from wrong. And you can see this is wrong. And you don't want to be treated like an object. If you did you wouldn't have come on here for support, you would still just be doing the thing. Being at his beck and call. Sometimes past experiences knock our confidence and self worth for a while, and impact new relationships. Can you think of a past relationship where you weren't a victim? If you can, think about why. Try and reconnect with yourself and what you want and need.

Your exBPD has set the scene for the 2 of you. But it's your choice whether to accept it or not. I think by your actions you have decided. Enough of this sh#t. Move on. Fairy steps. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I'm so proud if you deactivating FB .   well done sweetie! Huge pat on the back. This is showing him you won't be playing his game. If you'd just blocked him, he would see that as a win for him... . That he's getting under your skin. Deactivating is something you're doing for you, and nothing directed at him. I truly feel better for doing this myself. When I get tempted to reactivate I remember the pain of the things I saw last time and this deters me.

I am similar to you with relationships. I give them my all to my own detriment. It's called co dependant, where you value the relationship more than yourself. Do some reading up on this.i learned lots about myself from this site. Lots of great lessons.

You already sound better today. Because you made a decision to get off the merry go round. The first step is the hardest.

I don't see you as having a " doormat personality" you seem like a pretty fiesty little thing that knows right from wrong. And you can see this is wrong. And you don't want to be treated like an object. If you did you wouldn't have come on here for support, you would still just be doing the thing. Being at his beck and call. Sometimes past experiences knock our confidence and self worth for a while, and impact new relationships. Can you think of a past relationship where you weren't a victim? If you can, think about why. Try and reconnect with yourself and what you want and need.

Your exBPD has set the scene for the 2 of you. But it's your choice whether to accept it or not. I think by your actions you have decided. Enough of this sh#t. Move on. Fairy steps. 

Im so scared about that nude right now... he told me he has wanted to put me on 4chan before to "show me off" ( if you havemt heard about it... Its a disgusting website check it out)

This last time we hung out he told me he was thinking of putting me on 4chan

Again this time out of revenge. Im so scared thats why he took that pic.

I am really missing him right now and hurt about the fb post...

Hurt he didnt ever call... . And going through withdrawls of checking his fb.

How do I get through this without failing again?

[Narellan]

First step. Accept that it's over. You are deciding its over. Feel the sadness. Be string and value yourself not to check FB. Know that it will cause you pain. Don't think about the photo. Ignore it. He will do what he wants with it now. Nothing you can say/do/think will change that. In fact mentioning it to him or begging him may make him do something with it if he has narcissistic traits. Be boring. Disappear from his sight. Move on with your life. Do things you like. It's like withdrawing from a drug. You will feel awful but you will get through it. Don't try to rush the stages tho. You are grieving. So for now just be sad. And focus on your little girl. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

First step. Accept that it's over. You are deciding its over. Feel the sadness. Be string and value yourself not to check FB. Know that it will cause you pain. Don't think about the photo. Ignore it. He will do what he wants with it now. Nothing you can say/do/think will change that. In fact mentioning it to him or begging him may make him do something with it if he has narcissistic traits. Be boring. Disappear from his sight. Move on with your life. Do things you like. It's like withdrawing from a drug. You will feel awful but you will get through it. Don't try to rush the stages tho. You are grieving. So for now just be sad. And focus on your little girl.

 

Yes he is highly narc in top of the borderline.  im teying to be present

But in my head I felt anger for the first time today but not at him

I pounded my pillow which i have never done before... .

Im angry that hes in my head so much and the pain associated with it.

I want him expunged.

[going places]

How do I get through this without failing again?

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.

I am thinking of tattooing this on my body.

Yeah, we will stumble.

Yeah, we will fall flat on our face, straight in the mud.

But we MUST stand up.

Start memorizing something... .

Scripture.

The Declaration of Independence

ANYTHING.

And when you think about looking at FB or calling, or driving by, or just ruminating... .

Practice memorizing your choice of script.

Say it out loud if you must... . but fill your mind with something else, every time you start slipping into an old pattern.

Saying a prayer for you now.

[Narellan]

Good. The anger is good. It means you're moving on. I rarely get angry and make too many excuses for people. But the last couple of weeks I've felt anger. And had fleeting thoughts of revenge. Which I wouldn't act on, but I'm recognising my emotions more now and that gives me a sense of peace and control. Keep up the good work. In a couple of months you will be astonished at how good you feel and wonder why on earth you allowed this treatment to go on for so long. Take care and keep posting. Ill be watching your progress x

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you guys.

[patientandclear]

Well it's not about him and whether he has nobody. This is why he has nobody.

This is brilliant.