I internally am very scared of her anger.

[Samuel S.]

Things have gotten rather rough around here lately. My BPDw is in her mid 50s, being menopausal and had an exam that ultimately determined that she has again an ovarian cyst. She and I are naturally concerned, and she more than likely will have a complete hysterectomy within the next month or two. So, she is angry, frustrated, and scared. I am too, seeing that my first wife passed away from that, but I realize that medicine is that much more advanced now than 17 years ago.

Also, her D17 is about to graduate from high school and will be attending a university about an hour away from here, which is not too bad. Nevertheless, she won't be living here, which I am sure is on her mind as well.

Also, my BPDw got very mad about an order that she paid for but failed to tell me that, but I picked it up for her, because she asked me to. Thus, she got madder.

I have validated her feelings all the while. Now, she is in her room by herself.

With all this going on, she just completed a year of learning how to become an acupuncturist along with working. She felt very happy being by herself and felt healthier. She told me she doesn't know how to relax, but she realizes that she has been "on the go" all the time and on edge due to her past. So, now that school is over until the Fall, she is only going to work, but now has to take it easy even more so, probably due to her upcoming operation.

So, she is not too happy right about now, and her anger is rather powerful. So, I again only validated her feelings, but I internally am very scared of her anger. I guess what I am asking is how do you folks deal with your BPD's anger, but still protect yourselves emotionally so that you aren't affected.

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[tired-of-it-all]

Your story reminds me of my relationship with my wife.  I had forgotten some of the feelings that I used to feel.  I am reminded of how much I used to fear her anger.  I felt like I was standing in a pit of rattle snakes.  I was afraid to move.  I had to wait until those snakes looked the other way or fell asleep and then quietly, ever so quietly, slink away.  It was the worst in church.  She knew that she had me there.  I was afraid of a scene and knew she had little or no boundaries.  At home she was violent.

What I finally learned is that my fear of her gave her power.  I just had to stop being afraid.  I had to reach the point that I didn't care about the consequences.  I remember the breaking point.  We had a new born baby who was very ill.  He needed heart surgery.  It was a very stressful time and she had abused me through the whole situation.  Finally one day in the kitchen she looked at me and said, "You don't need me.  I'm leaving."  I was stunned!  I replied, "You go ahead and thank you (sarcasm intended).  But you are not coming back when you change your mind."  She then picked up a cooking pot to hit me.  I then said, "Hit me again and you are going to jail.  I don't care anymore.  I don't care if it makes the newspaper you are going to jail."  She put the pot down and stayed.  I wish she had left.

This story may give you the impression that I am some kind of push over.  I am the toughest old man you will meet.  Except when it comes to her.  I cannot explain my behavior.

[bpbreakout]

Hi Samuel, my wife was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about 8 years ago after becoming increasingly violent of a number of years. She was put on mood stabalisers which were quite helpful but still had the odd outburst which was seriously difficult to deal with as I was brought up not to get physical with a woman so I tuned the other cheek. It just ended up eating away inside as I had no idea how to deal with it. Eventually I spoke to the police about it and then was able to calmly tell BPDw about the conversation I had just with the police and what my legal rights were and that it was up to her how she was going to lead her life and she would have to face the consequences. It never happened after that. The other thing is that I came to realise over time that when disregulated BPDw actively tries to provoke me by pushing all my buttons so the times when she was violent were also the times when she was dishing out extremely nasty verbal abuse and I was defending myself (JADE ?) and making things worse. There was a time when all the things she said when she was doing this made me really wound up internally. I feel a lot better now but in part through seing a T, in part through this website and in part seeing the way she behaves with d15, I've come to realise that she really does actively try to get a reaction so she can point the finger at someone else. Knowing this makes me feel a lot more relaxed about her anger as a result as I know the stuff she is coming out with is mostly rubbish or a highly distorted version of reality. When she does get disregulated and becomes threating or intimidating I know all the verbal stuff is just any old thing she can drag up to get a reaction and I can always just vacate the area if I have to. It's wierd but now I feel quite distainfull towards BPDw for the way she tries to bully me this way. I'm still working through a lot of stuff so I don't pretend to have found a long term solution as I don't really want to feel like this about my partner. However for the short term this approach is working for me (touch wood !).

[Stalwart]

I stopped being afraid when I realized that ultimately I have all the choices. Yes she could say and do some pretty mean and malicious things when she was dysregulated and I often wondered when I was in a time of indecision about staying or going that I really feared her wrath on myself and subsequently on my family. I decided that the best path forward was not to focus on the negative but move forward on the positive trying to make our relationship better.

I feel for your wife as I'm certain you do. Early and mid fifties seem to be a challenged time for a lot of women who don't even have the challenges meeting them that your wife does. I know a lot of my wife's problems also stemmed from turning that age and questioning her own aging, appearance and all the things that concern women about that change and inevitability. Frankly my wife is beautiful for her age but like most she's also challenged thinking that on most days.

When was the last time you went on a holiday and tried to lay back from it all for a bit with her. Remind her it's all about the struggle to get to a point of being together without all the work and turmoil. Even a unplanned weekend away together away from it all where there's a spa or that nature for her relax and enjoy a bit and just take time for herself but also spend time with you away from it.

I can understand with all that going on her life that it really must be tough on her and I hope you find the way to communicate on a good level with her that allows to understand you're there for her, with her, to help and protect her etc... .

I also wish you the best of luck going forward with this because I can so imagine what a challenge it is for both of you. I hope the surgery turns out well and her subsequent treatments from that.

[bpbreakout]

Stalwart, you sound like you are in a good place 

[Stalwart]

I am bpbreakout and I don't take one day of it for granted. Hey I don't know what the future holds and noone does in a relationship but for today and the past year - yup our lives have changed so much that I AM in a good place. Hey she has her moments and probably so do I but for the whole I see them coming and can help her. through her own therapy she realizes now when she's losing it unnecessarily and at least tries to stop herself and actually apologizes. I usually validate the feeling she had of being angry if it's possible and tell her that it's little wonder you are angry it's annoying. It goes a long way and she recognizes she's taking it out on me when I'm actually the one one her side.

Anyway I did PM you on your question bpb. Get in touch anytime - it's a pleasure to talk to someone in the same boat whether it's calm or turbulent waters.

[Lilibeth]

Hi Samuel. I think i do know what you and your wife are going through. Just one thing, Samuel, get the fear out. I've recently learnt that i had crippled myself badly through fear - 26 years - A few weeks back something so bad happened that i finally decided that if i had to die, my H was not going to be the reason for it. And i could feel the fear going out. Not that it's easy after that, but at least once the fear is gone, you can look at the whole situation - yours and hers - through clearer eyes. That fear of her anger - of the hurtful things she says and does, whatever... . that fear, Samuel, has to go. I could reason with you about how you can get it out, but my way may not be the same as yours. As Steve Safigan says, 'Anger, anxiety, fear and other uncomfortable emotions are hard-wired into human beings to help us recognize when our boundaries are being violated. Ignoring your own uncomfortable emotions sends a signal -- to yourself and to others -- that you don't respect yourself. It may work as a short-term strategy for avoiding conflict. But ultimately, it will lead to bigger problems.'

We are here with you every step of the way, Samuel, and believe me it isn't easy what you are going through - but you have to for just once think of yourself first and get that fear out. You will, maybe, have to face some uncomfortable thoughts that go through your mind about yourself, you may have to rework/review/change certain things but it will be worth it. And, you will operate from a position of strength vis-a-vis your wife.

All the best, and remember you are not alone. We're all rooting for you!