I miss his love even though it was so flawed

[Violista]

We've been on and off for a year and a half. Since we've been apart this time around, I've already dealt with one guy who has just told me he wants no-strings sex, which hurts because i actually thought he's always liked me, and one guy who i have a massive crush on, but he's friendzoning me, forgot to call me the other day after saying he would, and only sporadically replies to texts. And so, it's hard not to miss my BPD ex's emotionality and the fact that he said he was serious about me.

I feel really low about the things these two guys have said and done, and find myself missing my BPD ex, who was a bit crazy, but showed me so much emotion at times. Before I met him I had a history of falling for guys who just wanted no strings. He never wanted the no strings thing or friendzoned me, he was the one pushing for commitment and closeness,  he made me feel like he actually really wanted me, he wanted to see me often, he talked about moving in together etc. When I break up with him I forget how unemotional other guys can be. I miss the daily affectionate messages and feel so lost surrounded by guys who don't take me seriously. I have such a long history of guys just wanting sex and not taking me seirously. He never did that.

He showed me both more good treatment and more bad treatment than other guys.

I don't truly want to get back with him but i also really miss him and sometimes it seems like he is the only person I'm attracted to that will ever actually want something serious and not just "casual fun". And yet he's impossible to have a serious relationship with coz of his issues. Ugh.

Yesterday he sent me some nasty messages and instead of being hurt I was relieved that he was messaging me at all. Ugh what is wrong with me...

[lettinggoletmego]

I think after a relationship like this, you need time before dating. Time to find out more about yourself and take time for you. Also, to heal.Take time to figure why you were attracted a man like that to began with.  If you are damaged and dating you may time to find other damaged people. Some of these people like this may just want sex. In time you will find someone who will treat you well.

[Clearmind]

Maybe begin to really define what love is to you. Change your perception of who this person is rather than what you want him to symbolize.

[MissTajo]

I understand so well your post.

My BPDbf is the most loving boyfriend I have ever had. While others forgot to text, didnt hold hands all the time, and were not really into romantic stuff my BPDbf does that and plus: he loves doing it.

When I remind myself of some of the idiots I dated before... . I actually love him more.