High empaths gather round

[talithacumi]

Interesting thread ... . and an idea I explored at length with my therapist earlier this year specifically in terms of how it contributed to the trauma bond I shared with my ex, as well as our ability to actually have a long term relationship with one another.

What I took away from those sessions:

The ability to feel empathy is something most of us are born with, and, some people are born with a greater ability to do that than other people. In both cases, that ability develops/grows with use. But some parents actually cultivate the development/growth/use of that ability in their children. Demand it. Expect it. Dole out severe emotional/physical punishment when its not forthcoming, inaccurate, and/or fails to provide whatever comfort/relief the parent needs. Empathy as a means of fixing, rescuing, caretaking - and fixing, rescuing, caretaking as a means of self survival.

Children made hyper-empathic by this kind of abuse live their lives on the constant lookout for, keenly aware of, and extremely responsive to the emotional distress of others. They grow up seeing this behavior as both a normal, and necessary part of being a good partner, friend, and person. They are sought out, and rewarded for it. They often take great pride in their ability to "read" others, and can even feel it's their job/obligation to do so.

What this kind of empathy actually represents, however, is a major violation of the boundaries people naturally set to protect themselves from people they don't know and/or aren't sure they can really trust.

And the only people who really like - if not actually need - to have their boundaries violated in this way are the same kind of people who trained their children to do it in the first place.

Borderlines are those kinds of people. They are most attracted to, and are able to have the most meaningful, long-term relationships with people who automatically respond to their most incongruous, confusing, and sometimes really hurtful words/actions - not by taking them at face value, and holding them responsible for it the way most people do - but, rather, by looking below the surface for the underlying emotional distress that prompted those words/actions, and addressing that instead through the provision of whatever understanding, acceptance, validation, sympathy, support, help it takes to relieve/eliminate the distress that made them say/do those kinds of things in the first place.

That's what I bonded with - my expwBPD's emotional distress - and the very confused/frightened person inside of him who felt all those truly horrible things. That's why I ignored, dismissed, and generally accommodated all but the very worst of his behavior ... . how I ended up invariably perceiving, understanding, rationalizing, excusing, and forgiving him for even that ... . and why being rejected/abandoned by him even as suddenly, completely, and viciously as I was only reinforced the kind of relationship/bond I'd formed with him.

I'm very slowly learning to accept, validate, and respect the emotional boundaries other people set to protect themselves. I can't stop myself from "reading" them, but I can and do now stop myself from reacting/responding/interacting with others on the basis of what I sense. I listen more now to what they're actually saying, and respond to that - trusting that, over time, by simply doing so - they'll eventually feel comfortable enough to share their true feelings with me.

I'm learning to not just simply ignore/dismiss the things people actually say/do - because, if nothing else, I think it's important for me to recognize/accept that saying/doing those kinds of things - being that kind of person - being able to be that kind person is just as much a reflection/part of who they really are inside as everything else - and the only part they're actually capable/comfortable sharing on the outside as well.

[hergestridge]

Talithacumi, that was a very helpful text for me. Thank you very much.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Tali... I love that post.

I hate being highly empathetic/sympathetic... When I see people who are harder...

don't get hurt easily, move on quickly ect...

I feel jealousy... and I feel weaker than them.

I hear move on or get over it... like they feel stronger as well.

I hate that frailty.

[Tolou]

talithacumi

nice post... . very well said, and good 4 u... .

[jessienbp]

In his amazing book "The Gift of Fear" (which is basically about using and trusting one's intuition that one is in danger to protect oneself), author and security consultant Gavin de Becker starts off the book by describing how, from earliest childhood onward, he was incredibly attuned, by necessity, to his mother's every minute mood signal, because he had to protect himself and his younger sister from her. (She did things like brandish guns and shot one of her boyfriends.)

I highly recommend the book. It deals very vividly and insightfully with the effects of child abuse/probable BPD parenting; as well as self-protection. And it is a bit heartening to learn that the hyper-vigilance and heightened sense of danger we survivors feel CAN have positive aspects, as well as all the cr@p and dysfunction they cause.

(I related a lot because my own hypervigilance has saved me at least a few times from, in the worst case, what could have been a rape/murder -- if I had not gotten a very vague uneasy vibe from a guy bicycling on a bike path I was on -- he passed me and was way out of sight behind a stand of trees ahead, but I still stopped dead, did a 180 and fled back the way I came. Which would have seemed nuts, given that he hadn't done anything but look at me as he passed me and was already out of sight -- except that, sure enough, he turned too when he saw i wasn't going to ride into his ambush, chased me down, grabbed my bike handlebars, and knocked me off my bike. I believe I only survived intact because I was already fleeing the right way, and he knocked me forward in the direction I needed to run (more populated) and I was able to levitate to my feet and just keep running' rather than his taking me by surprise behind the trees up ahead.

There is a lot of discussion of that kind of thing and how it saved people who had that "gift of fear"; where people less attuned to the minute signals of danger and/or more accustomed to dismissing them ended up hurt, dead, or worse. It's an excellent book and i think a lot of us who had to "listen" for their basic safety to the signals of dangerous others, like BPD parents, will relate.)

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

In his amazing book "The Gift of Fear" (which is basically about using and trusting one's intuition that one is in danger to protect oneself), author and security consultant Gavin de Becker starts off the book by describing how, from earliest childhood onward, he was incredibly attuned, by necessity, to his mother's every minute mood signal, because he had to protect himself and his younger sister from her. (She did things like brandish guns and shot one of her boyfriends.)

I highly recommend the book. It deals very vividly and insightfully with the effects of child abuse/probable BPD parenting; as well as self-protection. And it is a bit heartening to learn that the hyper-vigilance and heightened sense of danger we survivors feel CAN have positive aspects, as well as all the cr@p and dysfunction they cause.

(I related a lot because my own hypervigilance has saved me at least a few times from, in the worst case, what could have been a rape/murder -- if I had not gotten a very vague uneasy vibe from a guy bicycling on a bike path I was on -- he passed me and was way out of sight behind a stand of trees ahead, but I still stopped dead, did a 180 and fled back the way I came. Which would have seemed nuts, given that he hadn't done anything but look at me as he passed me and was already out of sight -- except that, sure enough, he turned too when he saw i wasn't going to ride into his ambush, chased me down, grabbed my bike handlebars, and knocked me off my bike. I believe I only survived intact because I was already fleeing the right way, and he knocked me forward in the direction I needed to run (more populated) and I was able to levitate to my feet and just keep running' rather than his taking me by surprise behind the trees up ahead.

There is a lot of discussion of that kind of thing and how it saved people who had that "gift of fear"; where people less attuned to the minute signals of danger and/or more accustomed to dismissing them ended up hurt, dead, or worse. It's an excellent book and i think a lot of us who had to "listen" for their basic safety to the signals of dangerous others, like BPD parents, will relate.)

Im pretty sure my step dad was BPD or pretty close to it.

Thank u for recommending that... . Its funny bc w every bad telstionship

My first instinct told me to run! I always ignored it!

After the relationship fails, I think: ooh thats what that was !

Talk about complete insecurity when I dont even trust my

Amazingly correct gut instincts.