stupid mistake :(

[Depression = 72% of members]

i have been in NC for 2 months. I was feeling way lot better and more positive and i was heading to my therapist and on my way i saw her crossing the street to enter a coffee shop. my heart skipped a beat, she didnt see me and i continued driving. i discussed this incident as soon as i met the therapist cause i find it so ironic. for some reason, i decided to head and sit in the same cafe after meeting my therapist. I didn't want to talk or get back to her (I already tried to do that before and i got the silent treatment and i ended up cursing her over text and said things i wish i didnt say i told her i just want your pussy back but i am over you and on second thoughts lots of pussies are out there [too bad i know]). I just wanted to sit there and let her know that i am doing well. I also wished that she would approach me and i would reject anything she would say or do. that would have given me some closure. while doing so i know it is not good for me on all levels. i cant play this game now and i shouldnt care what she thinks. I acted very cool while i was there. She avoided eye contact at any cost but i am sure that she was aware of my presence. Today i woke up feeling like ___. I know that any reply would "duh dude u asked for triggers with your own will" but i keep asking myself why do you want her to know that you are doing fine without her or at least act as so ? do you secretly want her back and wanted her to approach you and attempt a recycle ?

[antjs]

i have been in NC for 2 months. I was feeling way lot better and more positive and i was heading to my therapist and on my way i saw her crossing the street to enter a coffee shop. my heart skipped a beat, she didnt see me and i continued driving. i discussed this incident as soon as i met the therapist cause i find it so ironic. for some reason, i decided to head and sit in the same cafe after meeting my therapist. I didn't want to talk or get back to her (I already tried to do that before and i got the silent treatment and i ended up cursing her over text and said things i wish i didnt say i told her i just want your pussy back but i am over you and on second thoughts lots of pussies are out there [too bad i know]). I just wanted to sit there and let her know that i am doing well. I also wished that she would approach me and i would reject anything she would say or do. that would have given me some closure. while doing so i know it is not good for me on all levels. i cant play this game now and i shouldnt care what she thinks. I acted very cool while i was there. She avoided eye contact at any cost but i am sure that she was aware of my presence. Today i woke up feeling like ___. I know that any reply would "duh dude u asked for triggers with your own will" but i keep asking myself why do you want her to know that you are doing fine without her or at least act as so ? do you secretly want her back and wanted her to approach you and attempt a recycle ?

[LettingGo14]

I just wanted to sit there and let her know that i am doing well. I also wished that she would approach me and i would reject anything she would say or do. that would have given me some closure. while doing so i know it is not good for me on all levels. i cant play this game now and i shouldnt care what she thinks. I acted very cool while i was there.

I know that any reply would "duh dude u asked for triggers with your own will" but i keep asking myself why do you want her to know that you are doing fine without her or at least act as so ? do you secretly want her back and wanted her to approach you and attempt a recycle ?

Let's agree that we all want "closure" of some sort -- you don't need to beat yourself up about it.  What might help, however, is asking how we give closure to ourselves.  Without validation from an outside source.

You put yourself in a situation to be triggered, or to trigger her.  I get it.  But, as you acknowledge, it's not a healthy "game."   So what do we do instead?

Rather than saying I "shouldn't care what she thinks" (and, yes, I've said it too) why don't we admit to ourselves that it hurts like h*ll? Why don't we embrace the pain so we can process it?

Our brains trick us.  We have incessant chatter in our heads about what the other person is thinking, or doing, or feeling.   And that influences what we think, do, or feel.

If, instead, we admit we feel bad, and we go sit in a park by ourselves, and let ourselves just feel bad, we can begin to take ownership for ourselves.   The more we dance in the "game" the more the "game" owns us.

Does that make sense?

[Loveofhislife]

"If, instead, we admit we feel bad, and we go sit in a park by ourselves, and let ourselves just feel bad, we can begin to take ownership for ourselves.   The more we dance in the "game" the more the "game" owns us."  Thanks, LettingG014, for your comment, and thanks antony_james for your forthrightness.  As I shared with my wise and wonderful therapist, last Wednesday, it seems that it is our own power that we fear.  I don't  know exactly what that means, but I do think we give them our "power," instead of owning it ourselves.  I was actually given an assignment by my therapist to go to a park and BREATHE through the pain--to just dip into it for a brief moment at first, and then see if I can stay with it for longer and longer periods of time.  Many of us have avoided pain at all costs--perhaps in many areas of our lives, and certainly staying in touch with exBPD, brings back all the pain for me.  But it is giving them the power to do it:  not me.  Anyway, I hope that makes some sense.

[antjs]

I just wanted to sit there and let her know that i am doing well. I also wished that she would approach me and i would reject anything she would say or do. that would have given me some closure. while doing so i know it is not good for me on all levels. i cant play this game now and i shouldnt care what she thinks. I acted very cool while i was there.

I know that any reply would "duh dude u asked for triggers with your own will" but i keep asking myself why do you want her to know that you are doing fine without her or at least act as so ? do you secretly want her back and wanted her to approach you and attempt a recycle ?

Let's agree that we all want "closure" of some sort -- you don't need to beat yourself up about it.  What might help, however, is asking how we give closure to ourselves.  Without validation from an outside source.

You put yourself in a situation to be triggered, or to trigger her.  I get it.  But, as you acknowledge, it's not a healthy "game."   So what do we do instead?

Rather than saying I "shouldn't care what she thinks" (and, yes, I've said it too) why don't we admit to ourselves that it hurts like h*ll? Why don't we embrace the pain so we can process it?

Our brains trick us.  We have incessant chatter in our heads about what the other person is thinking, or doing, or feeling.   And that influences what we think, do, or feel.

If, instead, we admit we feel bad, and we go sit in a park by ourselves, and let ourselves just feel bad, we can begin to take ownership for ourselves.   The more we dance in the "game" the more the "game" owns us.

Does that make sense?

it makes sense a lot. I have gone through most of the tricks of the healing process and i have learned it the hard way. I was nearer on the spectrum to acceptance than to denial. I have learned that i should not suppress my feelings and let the process continue without interruptions. I have learned that shame, guilt, self doubt and anger are parts of the process... etc but It all changed when i saw her. Since i initially broke up with her (i didnt even know about BPD at that time but i even told her while breaking up that she is on an emotional roller coaster and playing mind games and she has such a pattern in all relationships since she has told me stories about her exs [victimization] during the idealization phase) and i know that she will never be my significant other and that she is not healthy to be around in my life. i acknowledge that she is like cocaine to me and i just want a dose because of the withdrawal symptoms. i know the shot will make me feel better temporarily but i also know that cocaine is gonna kill me !

[antjs]

"If, instead, we admit we feel bad, and we go sit in a park by ourselves, and let ourselves just feel bad, we can begin to take ownership for ourselves.   The more we dance in the "game" the more the "game" owns us."  Thanks, LettingG014, for your comment, and thanks antony_james for your forthrightness.  As I shared with my wise and wonderful therapist, last Wednesday, it seems that it is our own power that we fear.  I don't  know exactly what that means, but I do think we give them our "power," instead of owning it ourselves.  I was actually given an assignment by my therapist to go to a park and BREATHE through the pain--to just dip into it for a brief moment at first, and then see if I can stay with it for longer and longer periods of time.  Many of us have avoided pain at all costs--perhaps in many areas of our lives, and certainly staying in touch with exBPD, brings back all the pain for me.  But it is giving them the power to do it:  not me.  Anyway, I hope that makes some sense.

it makes sense of course and i am feeling way better than when i wrote the post. for some reason this mistake and lesson has contributed to a very big part of the progress i am feeling today. I should continue my healing process (which I feel that i am more than half way through) and should not look back and have any doubts about my decision. It is very obvious like the sun during the day. She is 29 years old and she ended three engagements, one marriage and had 4 boyfriends before me. She has even got 2 abortions. Even hypothetically she does not have BPD still she does not deserve me. I should work on my self-worth during recovery.

[LettingGo14]

i acknowledge that she is like cocaine to me and i just want a dose because of the withdrawal symptoms. i know the shot will make me feel better temporarily but i also know that cocaine is gonna kill me !

So we work with this, right?  

In my case, I am welcoming the demon of loss.   Because I can accept it, if I sit with it with good intention.   I can hold it, and not repress it or remove it or reduce it.   It becomes a good teacher -- a powerful acknowledgment that we control only our responses.