I want to go to a support group but don't know how to ask...

[aspiegirl23]

There is a support group in my city for family members of people with BPD that meets up once a month, but it is at a time that means that I would need my BPDh to look after the 2 boys. Which means I will need to tell him what it is I will be going to.

I would really love to go, but I feel that by telling my BPDh, that it will only make our situation worse if he knows I am needing help to deal with HIM.

Anyone have any suggestions/experience?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tired-of-it-all]

I go to the alanon support group. I was very afraid to tell my wife. My life had become so miserable that I reached the point that I had to suck it up and tell her. She was and still is very threatened by the program. That was 10 years ago and I am so glad that I had the courage to go regardless of her reaction.

You need to do this for you and your boys. When one family member gets help the whole family gets better. You cannot be held hostage by your fear of him.

[MissyM]

I go to several support groups.  My dBPDh knows of these and I am going to start a course for spouses of BPDs, soon. I understand that you don't want him to realize it has to do with him. Maybe you could tell him it  is a support group to help you deal with your life.  Then you don't have to say it is specifically for BPD but maybe for codependency?  I think support through this is vital.  It is amazing how many people in my support group for spouses of sex addicts, are married to BPD or NPD.  Same thing in Alanon, have met several people married to people with PDs.

[Stalwart]

You folks are so lucky that you live in areas that do have support groups for this.

Although I know my wife would question me on going to a support group I would just explain it isn't about her or BECAUSE of anything she did or is doing, that I'd just like to get other ideas from other people on how I can help more. Bottom line I wouldn't consider it asking - I would go although I'd be upfront and honest about where I was going.

I can't think of a better venue to help yourself or a more necessary one. It's got to be about you too and it really is only in an effort to make your relationship better. There's nothing wrong with that and everything right about it.

I wish you the best of luck on this and really, stick to your guns on it and I hope it really helps you.

[SweetCharlotte]

Just say it is a general self-help group. I don't think you need to be more specific than that. I agree that you probably shouldn't reveal that it is support for family of pwBPD. Don't give false details about it because you will then need to remember your "story" and keep it straight. PwBPD are good at cross-examing their partners.

[tired-of-it-all]

I would tell him the blunt truth.  Avoiding the whole truth is like lying.  It shows that we fear them.  It gives them power they do not deserve.  You do not need his permission to get help for yourself and your kids.  You do not owe him or anyone else an explanation. 

Good luck.

[SweetCharlotte]

I would tell him the blunt truth.  Avoiding the whole truth is like lying.  It shows that we fear them.  It gives them power they do not deserve.  You do not need his permission to get help for yourself and your kids.  You do not owe him or anyone else an explanation. 

That only holds if AspieGirl's husband has accepted a diagnosis of BPD.

If he does not admit having BPD, the consensus is that it is futile to express to him that he has it.

If he admits it, then certainly she can specify what kind of support group it is.

If he does NOT admit it, she need not be specific as it would be needlessly provocative to him.