First round of Discovery/Interrogatories & he's asking for 90 day extension-HELP

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Quick recap, husband of 25 years served early April.  He had 20 days to respond.  Created all kinds of chaos and drama and finally, but not surprisingly, hires female attorney on Day 19.

My attorney sends letter to his attorney requesting 4 way meeting and also asks for minimal

Discovery items (one of which is Prop Settlement Agreement).  His attorney telephones mine saying a sit down meeting is unlikely and her client is soo stressed out with all the work he has going on, he would like a 90 day extension on top of the original 30 day deadline.  

My attorney's initial thought was JUST SAY NO, draw the line in the sand now.

I was willing to give 30 days.  In the meantime, my husband is texting and emailing nonstop, either asking me out on "a date" or berating me for not pulling my weight in our business affairs and acting as though i am "entitled".

I just want to move this process forward and minimize the CRAZY!  I know, incompatible goals and wishful thinking given the players!

So, give him the extension? Force his side to go to the judge and ask for it?  Wait and see if he complies and if/when he doesn't file Motion to Compel?

[The Mrs]

Quick recap, husband of 25 years served early April.  He had 20 days to respond.  Created all kinds of chaos and drama and finally, but not surprisingly, hires female attorney on Day 19.

My attorney sends letter to his attorney requesting 4 way meeting and also asks for minimal

Discovery items (one of which is Prop Settlement Agreement).  His attorney telephones mine saying a sit down meeting is unlikely and her client is soo stressed out with all the work he has going on, he would like a 90 day extension on top of the original 30 day deadline.  

My attorney's initial thought was JUST SAY NO, draw the line in the sand now.

I was willing to give 30 days.  In the meantime, my husband is texting and emailing nonstop, either asking me out on "a date" or berating me for not pulling my weight in our business affairs and acting as though i am "entitled".

I just want to move this process forward and minimize the CRAZY!  I know, incompatible goals and wishful thinking given the players!

So, give him the extension? Force his side to go to the judge and ask for it?  Wait and see if he complies and if/when he doesn't file Motion to Compel?

[cobaltblue]

The extension is a tool he is using to cause you anxiety. He knows your buttons. Instruct your lawyer to file a motion to compel if he misses a deadline. That sets boundaries from the outset. Otherwise he will do this every motion you file. If he knows he can't get away with it he'll switch tactics.

[The Mrs]

You are so right... . and thx for your reply.

He would take great pleasure in causing me anxiety and distress and throwing me "off balance". 

Hard to break old habits, I walked on the proverbial eggshells during the marriage and it's almost instinctual to do so in the divorce. 

30 days is time enough to comply.

[cobaltblue]

He's also doing it because he knows if he delays it costs you money and hurts you financially. So dual purpose - emotional abuse and financial hurt. He's painting himself as a victim to his attorney to elicit sympathy. Just ignore the drama and instruct your lawyer to not reply to his request but simply queue up a motion to compel to be filed the day the deadline passes.

You can save money if you instruct your attorney to not reply to them.  Every time you email your attorney or have them interact with his, he is causing you to incur fees. Don't play the game. A non reply will drive him crazy and send a better message.

[ForeverDad]

How much did he produce?  If he claims to be making a "good faith" effort that needs more time then you should have received something.  Odds are you got zilch.

Judges are likely to give an extension the first time or two.  However, 90 days is excessive.  Likely they'll get some amount of extension but your L is saying not to gift it to them.  Many time the lawyers give each other "professional courtesy" but not in this case.  I lean toward letting them request it from the judge.  The period is already past, so an extension is almost a given, the amount is how much?  Hopefully your lawyer should tell the judge that 2 to 4 weeks is more than enough time and that other scheduled actions proceed concurrently.

The new lawyer is asking for you to be nice.  But this isn't daycare, this is life and you both are adults.  There need to be limits to the delays.  After the first couple continuances the judge will start getting peeved and want the case to move along.

Sadly, delay is one of the common complaints of our divorces, along with failure to even respond.  Most report at least a year and two years is typical if there are children.  MY case was a 15 year marriage with one preschooler, it took 23.5 months with multiple continuances.  Years later when her new lawyer sent interrogatories, I responded with over 600 pages.  Frustrated with it all, my lawyer decided to send interrogatories too but got nothing in return.

Motion to compel.  Hmm... . Why didn't my lawyer do that?  Oh, to save me money.

[cobaltblue]

I think the delaying is also a tactic to give him more time to establish status quo and to plan a strategy. Don't give it to them.

[The Mrs]

He hasn't produced one shred of information. 

First, he claimed that our accountant was going to be on vacation for 2 weeks (he even had the accountant write a letter stating this!).  All we really needed from the accountant was 2010-2012 fed tax returns.  I already had 2013.  I made one quick phone call and received the remaining tax returns electronically within 5 minutes.

What he is really after is some sort of documentation/valuation of what his business was worth before we married in 1988.  He just sold it in 2005.  The accountant has told both of us he doesn't keep records past 10 years.

He also had stated that he was working on a Property Settlement Agreement.  Now, he is claiming there is no point in doing so because anything he comes up with I will just shoot down!  We live in a community property state, seems pretty simple to silly old me.  He just keeps coming up with more and more things he should be given "credits" for!

He already said me and my lawyer were playing **itball, can only imagine what he'll be saying when he gets the message--No extension.

Once again, thank you so much for your sound, thoughtful, intelligent advice and direction. 

Unfortunately, I know it comes from having " been there, done that".

[cobaltblue]

Yup. All of what you listed sound very much like HIS problems to deal with and not yours. Just move forward. I'm five months into divorcing my BPDw and she's delaying too.  It's very common.

[cobaltblue]

"He also had stated that he was working on a Property Settlement Agreement.  Now, he is claiming there is no point in doing so because anything he comes up with I will just shoot down!"

Here he's testing your reaction and seeing if he can engage you. He may or may not be working on 100 documents. Judge by behavior and assume anything he says is fabricated.

[The Mrs]

So if you were in my position, would you propose a Property Settlement Agreement first ?

[cobaltblue]

Are kids involved at all? If yes, generally you want to tackle all things kid related first so money doesn't play a factor in putting kids first. Otherwise he may try to use it as leverage. If no, then consult your law firm, but in my state we don't have to do it all at once. It's easier to break it into components. First the general petition, then kids stuff, then property, assets and debt, then spousal support. I'm still working on custody and visitation. I won't discuss property or anything else until the kids are taken care of. It's also less overwhelming.

[cobaltblue]

Also don't get too hung up on Discovery. At least here it is an ongoing process. You're going to get the documents you need whether he provides them or the court compels him to provide them. If he wants to send you proposals that's fine but A) Everything in writing or it never happened and is not an offer, and B) Try to have him route any offers through his attorney to yours, not to you directly. This way you interact less with him and you know what you're reviewing has been vetted and is real.

I'm getting ready to let my wife know I won't discuss anything related to the divorce or kids orally. Has to be by email. That way they can't say they never said it, which happens often. Just blame your attorney as the bad guy, say that your attorney says this is the way it has to be. Taking verbal discussions and confrontation out of the picture will reduce your anxiety and prevent him from bullying you as my BPDw does to me.

Not saying they won't bully you by email, but at least then you can print it and provide to the court and your attorney.

[The Mrs]

Cobaltblue-- no minor children.  Our youngest is 24 years old.  The  two older girls, are married with little ones of their own, and are 30 and 33 now.  I raised the two older girls from my husband's first marriage, as my own, from the time they were 3 1/2 and 5.  I have good, sound relationships with all of them.

The angle my husband is playing is that since all of our assets and property are in a family trust he has to protect and maintain that wealth, for HIS children and grandchildren, from me!  It's just greed and ridiculousness... . and hurtfulness. 

All we wanted to flush out in the discovery was what he thought he had a separate property interest to... . after 25 years, everything is commingled.  I wrote every check for 25 years.  I have a better sense of the inner workings of the "big picture" than he does.  He could never be bothered with the details, he was always trying to make the next big buck.

[cobaltblue]

Go see a CPA. Your law firm can recommend one they work with. Don't sign or agree to anything he proposes until it has been explained by the CPA. Rely on the experts.

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes this is called a Special Master or forensic accountant.  In other words, a neutral expert will have to step in.  If everything has been commingled then history for decades ago shouldn't matter.

The trust aspect can get sticky.  I had a close relative whose husband is like that, "MY children get everything" and "what's mine is mine and what's ours is mine too".   He wrote up his own quickie trust, he pressured her to sign away as spouse so she had no authority and then he dropped her from it.  No even sure that was legal and her lawyer said nothing to do until someone dies.

[The Mrs]

Forever dad, Cobaltblue:

I had a good chuckle with myself last night... .

I was so thankful for the sound, grounded, intelligent words you both shared yesterday.

I thought to myself, well, where have these kind of men been the last half of my life?

Oh yeah, you been running with and fending off the crazy b___es of the BPD world, hehe!

[cobaltblue]

Yep. Lol

I've been married for 15 years to one... . Hardest decision I ever made to leave. Took me three years to go through leaning, denial, awareness and acceptance before I decided I did not want to live like that and realized it was making me ill. I hope you find peace. The road is bumpy but you're worth it.

[ForeverDad]

I thought to myself, well, where have these kind of men been the last half of my life?

Oh yeah, you been running with and fending off the crazy b___es of the BPD world, hehe!

www - nonBPDmingle . com

[cobaltblue]

Lol... . NonBPDmingle... . Don't get me started. At this stage after emotional and psychological abuse, it's hard to not just assume that everyone of the opposite sex has BPD until evidence proves otherwise. Only time will help that... .

[The Mrs]

Look it, at least we have our sense of humor still in tact! 

On Valentine's Day, I was driving in this one section of town where there are a bunch of thrift and antique stores and this large, well actually it is 12 inches, ceramic rooster was sitting in the window sill of one of the stores... . I had to have it.  One way streets and all,  I turned around, circled back, bought this beautiful  12" colorful red rooster  (which goes with none of the decor in my place).

He proudly sits in the middle of my kitchen table because that ehhh... . uhhhh... . rooster is the only cccc... . rooster welcome in my place these days!

[The Mrs]

Look it, at least we have our sense of humor still in tact! 

On Valentine's Day, I was driving in this one section of town where there are a bunch of thrift and antique stores and this large, well actually it is 12 inches, ceramic rooster was sitting in the window sill of one of the stores... . I had to have it.  One way streets and all,  I turned around, circled back, bought this beautiful  12" colorful red rooster  (which goes with none of the decor in my place).

He proudly sits in the middle of my kitchen table because that ehhh... . uhhhh... . rooster is the only cccc... . rooster welcome in my place these days!

[cobaltblue]

Symbolic!

[The Mrs]

Ok, so my attorney faxed his attorney a letter saying No extension and No stay.

His original date to get all his docs and stuff provided was 5/30/2014.

My attorney now gave his attorney until May 19th to file an Answer.

What does that mean?  No more phone calls attorney to attorney?  Put your intentions in writing and submit it to the Court?

[cobaltblue]

They have to have a paper trail and a phone call doesn't leave a paper trail that can be printed and collected with the case and archived. Fax is cheaper than a messenger-delivered letter which is $60 USD.

[whirlpoollife]

The Mrs,

  I hate to tell you but I filed two yrs ago, thought I'd be done with divorce in the first five months.

Now that we hit the two year mark, xtb h gets another twenty days to come up with what HE wants to do. I cannot even ask for a hearing date till after that. My L has not heard from h's L, doesn't know why and do not speculate but  did hint that it's months not days till completion and that I will have to be making some hard choices and being in a hurry to get it done doesn't help. ( really? I've been waiting two yrs and I'm in a hurry?).

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer originally estimated a simple divorce to be 6 months and one with children to be 7-9 months.  We had a preschooler.  The final decree was 23.5 months after I filed and by then our son was in kindergarten.  Ex delayed, obstructed and didn't respond, forcing the court to take every step:  Temp order, mediation, court's parenting investigation, custody evaluation, settlement conference, trial and final decree - with a few continuances scattered in there.