Trying to stay married one day at a time (was Married with Rage)

[pxs]

Hello All,

I'm moving to this "Staying" board from the introductory board at the recommendation of the moderator "Rapt Reader"

I've pasted the thread of that board below.

Quick summary (pasted from original thread)

We've been married now for nearly 8 years.

My wife brought a young eleven year old son (my stepson) into the marriage. It was a first marriage for me. We were both older.

Being married to my wife, and having this family felt grounding to me. It felt right.

Fights for no reason started early on, maybe within a year of being married, but they were few and far between, probably every 6 months. They were maddening though, as they seemed to be without reason, extremely explosive, and with no way of defusing.

About five years into the marriage, they became more frequent and more erratic.

We actually had a good heart-to-heart about the fights, and approximately a month later found out we were pregnant. Peace followed.

Our son was born.

It was a magical time, but very exhausting and demanding.

Within a year our oldest (my stepson) turned 18 and enlisted. We couldn't be prouder.  

But things took a turn for the worst in our house. It was/is hard with the 2.5 year old, 2 demanding dogs, and now the oldest boy gone.  The fights happened more often, the scorn nearly daily. Home life was no longer pleasant. Last summer we began marriage counseling. Although insightful it didn't help. In fact in some case it seemed to inflame both of us.

Around March we were at a point, so exhausted we try to just not fight. But that doesn't always work. We started seeing a new counselor, and my wife (who I think has BPD - she meets the criteria anyhow) told the counselor she wanted a divorce.

I'm not even sure how I stumbled on BPD on the internet, but from what I read, it sounds very much like what I'm experiencing with. I'm finding the discovery process both promising, and dreadful. Promising because it seems clearer to me that my wife isn't wicked, just ill.  :)readful, because it is such a damaging illness. It does allow me to think of the pain/shame/confusion going on with my wife, and recognize it must be difficult for her.

I suppose where we are now is: Although my wife has expressed several times that she wants a divorce, I really have no idea if she does or not. She may not either. But I know I don't want a divorce: When I look at all the parts that make up our home, everything is here for this to be a fantastic place for her, for me, for our young child an for our older child and our dogs. I want this to work.

Today, 2 months later we are doing better. I've worked very hard on validating her feelings. Understanding etc. I've also discovered my own dependency issues. I've been working on detaching. Occasionally we manage to talk about her feelings/our feelings.  Its not perfect, but we've had some really good days, and the few bad days haven't been so bad. The hardest thing for me is working on detachment. I react too strongly to her negative expressions and feelings, causing us to feed tension to each other. I need to stop that, particularly since they are short lived for her, and not for me.

My wife is happy about our changes. She attributes it me making changes and getting therapy. I find this a bit irritating because it implies no fault on her part. But maybe that is part of my education - really is there fault? Maybe there are only feelings.

I will say this, these last few months have been eye-opening about the power of feelings. Everything is impacted by our personal feelings. Its been helpful for me to realize this, and I try to remember this to control those. Mindfulness and radical acceptance help, although I really haven't got much of a handle on either of them.

This forum has been invaluable as a way for me to reach and feel supported.  I hope to keep posting our progress, and I hope that for the most part it will be positive, and possibly useful.

Cheers

Paolo

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

Welcome!

I get the 'maddening because [changes being all due to your therapy] implies no fault of hers' bit.  I'd like to be able to blame someone else (my uBPD fiancee) for all our issues. 

And I do find that blame is useless. Boundaries, validation, clarity on my part, knowing myself better, all are much more helpful than blame. 

Which is not to say this isn't hard.  It is, extremely difficult. And it feels worth it to me. 

Wishing you the best of luck in this journey... .

[ArleighBurke]

I've worked very hard on validating her feelings. Understanding etc. I've also discovered my own dependency issues. I've been working on detaching. Occasionally we manage to talk about her feelings/our feelings.  Its not perfect, but we've had some really good days, and the few bad days haven't been so bad. The hardest thing for me is working on detachment. I react too strongly to her negative expressions and feelings, causing us to feed tension to each other. I need to stop that, particularly since they are short lived for her, and not for me.

Sounds like I could have written that... . 

My wife is happy about our changes. She attributes it me making changes and getting therapy. I find this a bit irritating because it implies no fault on her part.

Isn't this irritating! My wife is the same. She knows that I've started seeing someone, and so thinks that I must be changing. But really - if I'm changing the way I interact then isn't that actually a change?

ArleighBurke