Mother's Day totally blew up in my face

[Sunnys Blues]

After months of not posting here, I'm back. With my therapist, I worked for MONTHS to regain contact with my uBPD mother.  I did a "boundary letter," which my mother happily agreed to EVERYTHING on the letter. We started off talking for 10 mintues, once a month. My mother apologized for many things she did to me as a child and as an adult- I was shocked, because my therapist prepared me not to expect her to do anything like apologize. Of course, my mom never apologized for the two main things she said- she didn't love me and she wished she never adopted me. I moved on from that- taking what good I could get. After months of my mom sticking to our agreement, I moved into a small, short meeting with her. That also went well.  From there, I increased our 10 minute phone conversations from once a month to once a week. Again, she held all of her crazy, BPD stuff in check. She was acting like the mother of a 46 year old woman. She recognized I had my own life (shocker! She's always refused to believe I grew up!) and seemed very respectful. During her crazy BPD days, I'd get six or eight phone calls a day. Now, she waited for me to call her, trusting that I would.

Things got so good, I invited my mother to spend Christmas with my hubby, MIL and myself. That went exceptionally well. (Can I throw out, I have a very supportive, wonderful MIL!) 

Up until about two weeks ago, "things" seemed to be continuing right on track- I'm calling, we're talking, and I'm ONLY seeing her once a month. Part of the once a month seeing her had to do with the fact she lives 30 miles from me, and my therapist was thinking- go slow.

Mother's Day came up. My hubby and I asked my MIL (if you treat me right, you get first pick of what's going on) if she wanted to do Mother's Day with just us (hubby is an only child) just her son, or with my Mom. My MIL was excited, and wanted to get together with my mom. I gave my mom the same choice, after MIL was cool with a group thing- and my mom said she was also excited to do a group day.

Three days after that, my mom leaves me a long, rambling message about how she doesn't want to do the plans she agreed to (dinner at a fancy place, my treat) and she wants us to "postpone" Mother's Day, and wait a few weeks to do a bbq at her place instead.

And there she is!  My BPD mom!  I called back, to tell her of our plans, we were going to do dinner as a group, and if she would like to come we would LOVE to have her.

Friday night- I get another rambling message from my mom stating:

1. She no longer celebrates Mother's Day, because she wasn't a good mother to my brother or myself.

2. She feels I am not "ready" to be a part of her life.

3. She loves me, but she no longer wants to see me.

4. She's too old to "re-mother" me.

Alrighty. I was expecting it. I was expecting to be hurt at some point. I figured it would come after her June birthday, because she loves it when everything can be about her.

I realize- what she's really saying is the following:

Okay, Daughter, if you can't do everything I need you to do, call me every day and talk to me for an hour, take me to all my appointments, grocery shopping- then you are a useless waste I raised, and I have no need for you in my life.

Yay. You love me, but... .

On a lighter note, I did have a fantastic time with my MIL. It was nice to have a great dinner with someone kind and appreciative, and someone who loved the handmade gifts I gave her. 


Of course, I'm hurt by my mom. She left another message that she's okay with me calling, but she doesn't want to see me. OKAY... . What the heck?  After years of trying, and ME being the only one to get therapy (Mom feels all of my problems are not her fault, and she thinks all therapists blame the parents!) I don't have it in me to keep trying.  She's 75, and in better health than I am in! Now I'm back to having to change my phone number again... . because I can't take the hurt of months of things going seemingly right, then bam! Get out of my life.

[Kwamina]

Hello Sunnys Blues

Thanks for sharing your experiences. BPD mothers are capable of saying the most hurtful things to their own children and then act as if nothing happened at all. I'm very sorry she told you that she didn't love you and was sorry for ever adopting you. Now she says that she loves you but doesn't want to see you which is also very hurtful.

Things didn't work out like you had hoped but at least you can tell yourself that you gave it your best effort. Your mother is the problem here, sounds like she might have gotten overwhelmed or felt threatened by the fact that you were getting closer. BPD moms often fear abandonment but also have great difficulty dealing with intimacy as you probably know very well from your first hand experiences with your mom. In the end who knows what really goes on inside a BPD mother's head and what triggers them?  Great that you at least did have a lovely day with your MIL though!

[StarStruck]

Hi Sunnys Blues -You have done so well with everything with your journey remember that, what you achieved was fantastic-

I think that was a very brave thing to do - testing the water, given how difficult to start this was. You sound very measured now about was has recently happened.

It's disappointing to say the least although I know you were prepared. See this is a tiny side step at the end of miles of progress. You can jump back on to were you left off and carry on your way.

It's amazing that you felt you could try again - I think that really shows just how strong you are now. Also a side point but I feel not an insignificant one - the relationship with your MIL sounds rewarding thats great. We are talking MIL's here  

All best Sunny Blues