Setting (consistent) boundaries regadring alcohol

[ziniztar]

My dBPDbf works in the service industry. He has a lot of friends to go out with after his shift ends around 1:00 so when he's not with me, he usually drinks quite a lot. He mentioned it's one of his ways to cope with the BPD and is aware of it. When I once asked him when his last alcohol free day was he had to think, and immediately tried to live without it for a few days. He mentioned: 'I notice I start eating a lot more now I drink less.' I know the drill as I've worked in the service industry myself so I understand how things can evolve. I've even had to ask that question myself.

The past few weeks he's had more than 3 drinks nearly every day. That's hinting at alcoholism. I've told him before that I don't approve his drinking but also understand it's what has helped him in the past and he is in progress of changing those behaviours.

Still, the past few weeks his drinking has annoyed me. I don't want to 'end up' living with an alcoholic. But I struggle in setting the right boundaries that I can keep. I don't think that it's fair (given his work, awareness and progress) to demand he never drinks. Hell, I'm 28, I'd like to go out with him and have a few drinks as well. I cope by eating and have gained quite some weight in the last couple of months and wouldn't want him to put any pressure on losing them either.

I've set a boundary when we are together on a 'regular' night to only drink 1 glass of red wine (as research has proven that to be quite beneficial, so I believe it's ok). He knows that and I can keep that up. I also don't want him to drink strong liquor in front of me when he's feeling bad. Is that enough? I still don't like the fact he drinks that much.

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[tired-of-it-all]

I'm going to bang the alanon gong again. If someone's drinking affects your life, whether he is alcoholic or not, alanon can help you. You have no control over his alcohol consumption. You can only control how it affects you.

[DontPanic]

I would agree with the tired-of-it-all. Alanon helped me a great deal.

[Octobersonya]

My dBPDbf works in the service industry. He has a lot of friends to go out with after his shift ends around 1:00 so when he's not with me, he usually drinks quite a lot. He mentioned it's one of his ways to cope with the BPD and is aware of it. When I once asked him when his last alcohol free day was he had to think, and immediately tried to live without it for a few days. He mentioned: 'I notice I start eating a lot more now I drink less.' I know the drill as I've worked in the service industry myself so I understand how things can evolve. I've even had to ask that question myself.

Hi Ziniztar 

I am a recovered alcoholic, been active in AA since December 2011. I'm hoping my experience and what I have learnt about alcoholism can help you some.

A few key things that come to mind:

1. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. One may start off as a moderate drinker, but eventually at some stage of our drinking career we lose all control of our liquor consumption. If he can do control drinking, as in have just a glass of wine with dinner and nothing else, successfully then he is not an alcoholic.

2. Alcohol is a temporary relief from mental/spiritual malady. Dealing with BPD by drinking alcohol is a red flag, especially since there are other treatments for BPD.

3. Alcoholics, like myself, cannot be forced to get help. Telling a person they are alcoholic and need to get help is like telling an UBPD that they have BPD and need help. I refused to get help for my alcoholism and the only reason I started AA was because I almost lost my family. That was my rock bottom. Initially I attended AA just until the heat died down, but after I had a relapse, I understood why alcoholism is called cunning and baffling.

Alanon is a great support system, it helps YOU become a better person. The three C's of Alanon, "didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it" truly can help with anything you feel powerless over.

I wish you the best. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.

Take care

[Grey Kitty]

I can only think of one boundary you can enforce regarding alcohol.

"I will not be in a r/s with a person who drinks excessively (however you choose to define it)"

You cannot stop him from drinking. It is his choice, and trying to control him will go badly.

This is obviously a really tough and harsh boundary. I know people who have done it; in fact I've got a friend who has lost at least 3 gf's this way.

I've got a couple other (semi-contradictory) thoughts for you. First, not everybody who drinks a lot is/becomes an alcoholic. Second, self-medication with alcohol for mental illness strikes me as a bad idea... . and many people here have a pwBPD who behaves far worse when drunk.

[ziniztar]

Thanks DontPanic, Tired, Sonya and Grey Kitty.

Alanon is an option yes, I've checked their website for meeting in my region. However I have a demanding job and choose to use my spare time with friends, family, excersize and therapy for myself. Another weekly meeting to attend in my schedule does not fit yet. I welcome the suggestion and keep it in the back of my head, but it's not an option timewise now. It may become that when the need becomes imminent...

I've got a couple other (semi-contradictory) thoughts for you. First, not everybody who drinks a lot is/becomes an alcoholic. Second, self-medication with alcohol for mental illness strikes me as a bad idea... . and many people here have a pwBPD who behaves far worse when drunk.

Thanks, that helps too. My fear of things evolving in the future into something catastrophic is definitely present and I think it applies to this too. Pushing him will send him in the wrong direction. His ex gf forbid him to take drugs and he confessed to me the other day that because of that, he did it next to her while pretending he hadn't taken something (mind that I live in a very liberal country when typing this ).

Sonya, when he's with me he'll offer to drink some wine (as he is in the wine industry it makes sense and I'm a wino myself). When I say 'only 1 glass', he'll go along with it. When he's with me on normal nights, we don't always drink. He even offers to drink tea sometomes. So I guess it's still controlled then. It's good to read you're recovering!

The funny thing is when he gets drunk, he turns into this "all white superfunny nothing is wrong and the world is perfect" kind of guy. I suppose the only way to influence this is to set a right example and express my values on when and how much alcohol I think is OK to drink myself.

[tired-of-it-all]

If you go to alanon you will find that you have more free time. Your life will be more serene and balanced. We have a saying: Try 6 meetings. If it doesn't work we will give you your misery back.

[DontPanic]

I'd also offer that while I agree that drinking is probably not a great way to deal with ones issues. that the more important thing is what happens when a person drinks and how that affects those around him/her. For me there was no doubt in anyones mind (except mine) that I needed to get help. I had an uncle that was also sober for 30+ years and he used to point out the differences between my dad and himself. my father did drink a fair bit. But he didnt have an allergy like myself, mom, brothers and uncle (meaning he worked, took care of his family, maintained meaningful relationships with others and most importantly didn't break out in handcuffs *ever* when he drank).

So, in my opinion it's not how much someone drinks, its who they become and how they act when they do drink.