Liverpool lost, or re-confronting my loss

[rougeetnoir]

I've always been a big football/soccer fan and after my most recent breakup, I started watching a lot more football/soccer.  I'd watch with friends or as was the case with my favorite team Liverpool I'd watch alone (mostly because I'm superstitious and they lost the one time I went to watch them with friends at the pub).  As you may or may not know, Liverpool was on a tremendous run, but they lost the last two matches (well lost and drew, but the second was such a bad tie that it feels like a loss) basically dropping out of the title race.  It stunk in the worst way, but it also made me realize that my obsessive soccer watching was one of the ways I was covering up the difficult events in my life.  It was an escape.

Now as longstanding Liverpool fan, I should have known better, but as they say about the fetish "I know very well, but all the same... . "  In short, one of the big things I was using to fill up my time, ended up bust... . My escape blew up!

Now this is a perfectly silly story, but it helped me realize that I can't paper over the void: I'm hurting again and I'm going to hurt again after this (even if Liverpool pulls out the title!), thinking about her son a lot (the other day the weather was beautiful here and I thought about sitting on our front porch looking over the river waiting for him to come up the drive from the bus.  His wry smile and we'd sit on the porch and split a reese's peanut butter cup and he'd tell me about whatever 5 year olds care about), but I realized that the way the pain hurts is different now.  I still cry, but I can sense the change.  I'm out of the lease and I realized that I couldn't really go back even if all the things I bargained for after my break-up came true (she got therapy, started thinking about her actions, etc), because I've pretty much solidified my plans to move. I don't have a job here anymore.

I've been in survival mode for the last several months.  I'm moving back to my original home town (where I haven't lived in 15 years, but still have good friends, etc.), but I'm looking at it as a new start... .   Enough survival mode, I'm going to go stand in a trout stream soon. 

[AwakenedOne]

I'm looking at it as a new start

Hey rougeetnoir,

I can relate about having an escape. I was into my NHL team a lot to escape her. Since the breakup, my team just lost too in the playoffs. Nothing new though they do good during the year and then always choke in playoffs. Really sorry about you missing her 5 yr old. That story about sharing a Reeses cup is so nice. I can relate to that also with my ex's family. Hang in there. Seems like you got your head on straight and know what you want which is cool. Good luck on your new start. 

Peace,

AO

[really]

As a long time Arsenal fan I was hoping for a Liverpool win this year.  You guys deserve it.   

The trout stream sounds good.   Am in a bloody awful place at the moment but appreciating the little things in nature helps me when I am like this.

Can't even say I am papering over the cracks because have lost interest in almost everything but maybe I will drag myself out to watch the cup final.   On on the other side of the world now. ( I ran with my tail between my legs).

Take care

really

[rougeetnoir]

As a long time Arsenal fan I was hoping for a Liverpool win this year.  You guys deserve it.   

Good luck on the weekend... .