My BPD boyfreinds gets really bad headaches/wont do anything about it why?

[goingtostopthis]

My BPD boyfriend  gets these head aches like all the time. I'm thinking at least one a day with a skipped day every now and then but not that often.  I can't figure it out.  He says he gets them so bad he gets blinded and I dont know if this is just his way of being dramatic or if this is really happening. He says his eyes are tired all the time too. and once again I dont know if this is just another play for my sympathy to get the attention all on him again or if this is real.

                  I wouldnt be that concerned if he had a headache every now and then,  but he's getting them and announcing them to me just about every day when we talk. We will either begin talking and everything will be fine , and then right in the middle of the conversation,  ooh!  hes getting another head ache coming on.

                           It gotten to be a little annoying, because he wont take any thing for them, its almost as if he likes to suffer.   And maybe Im crazy, though I know Im not,  but I all ways thought that if a person is getting headaches like everyday for months and months that is a sure sign that something is wrong.

                            I told him this and suggested he see a doctor but  sure enough around and around we went.  He had every excuse in the book why this wouldnt work. He all ready saw a doctor two years ago and they couldnt help him.  I said,but that was 2 years ago and one doctor,  and then he goes on with another excuse,  finally he blamed it on geo engineering. and then I said,   what a bout a specialist?  No answer. then he started getting mad, and said,  I fkin told you all about this on skpye when you were here.(a year ago)  Which didnt make any sense at all.  If I was there,  why skype?     and the fact that he used the "f" word in telling me this was a sure sign he was on the defensive and getting mean,  so my red lights went off and I back down the best and nicest way I could, but it didnt matter...  I validated his feelings the best I could, told him I understood and would drop the subject.  In return he just said good night really fast, didnt even give me a chance to say good night back, and more or less cut me off leaving me hanging there.  He left chat, I was still there alone.

                   Now I want to know is why would he act this way?  If a person is going through a lot of pain, at least the kind of pain he describes to me day in and day out,  dont you think they would want the pain to stop?  and do what they could to get help for it?   This doesnt make sense to me. Do you think he could be faking it>  Or self inducing these headaches on himself?  Or do you think he likes having this pain because it gets attention on himself?    Why is he getting so mad at me for trying to help him? I have to hear his complaints every day or so, and who like to see someone in pain who has the power to do something about it but wont.

 Are his head aches his prized possessions that he wont give up?  I dont know. Im just very troubled about this.            

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[tired-of-it-all]

It is a part of their game.  He may actually have head aches but he doesn't want to cure the illness.  He can control the lives of those around him and avoid interaction that he doesn't want to have through his medical problem.

My wife cannot sleep on her back or left side.  Her heart beats fast and she is afraid she will have a heart attack.  Once she saw a really good T and came home a different person.  That night she could sleep on her back or left side.  She quit seeing the T and she is back to her old self. 

I wanted to go to a dance once.  She developed mysterious knee trouble.  When she realized that I was going with or without her, she was miraculously healed! 

She takes piles and piles of supplements.  She won't listen to a real doctor but she will buy snake oil from Bangladesh that contains who-knows-what.

It is all part of the BPD game.  I am sure to them the symptoms are real.  I believe that it all originates inside their skull. 

[an0ught]

It makes no sense. Blocked either by fear or hampered by twisted thinking.

There is a part of DBT that trains them of doing the opposite what their instincts tell them to overcome such destructive tendencies.

What you can do

- validate fear of going to doctor

- validate fear that it could be something serious

- validate fear that doctor will find nothing

If in doubt fear is always a good candidate for validation ... .

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

BPD's loove to have something to complain about it seems, it was like pulling teeth to get my exBPDgf to take some damn pills instead of just whining about it. Could the headaches and tired eyes be excuses for sleeping a lot? Mine slept 12 hours a day and used excuses for long naps.

[goingtostopthis]

I dont know.   I do know I made him conscious about it. Its awful trying to get through to him over things like this because he gets really defensive. I reassured him that I was questioning him about this because I cared and didnt want him to have to be inn pain anymore.  Surprisingly his episodes have seemed to stop.  He still brings up being on the edge of having one, its gotten to be very tiresome to me. He says he carries some kind of aspirin with him now which is a good start.  

                                    I still cant help but to wonder if hes making himself feel this way, or feels a little headache and then fakes the rest. Its like he gains some kind of power trip by presenting me with this problem of his only to have it be something he has no power over which makes me frustrated and feeling powerless. Like Im pushed to all ways show some kind of sympathy for him, its like an imposition. It was interesting when I was asking him questions about it and trying to coax him to see a doctor. I was very careful not to be pushy. I was just telling him I was really concerned since this had been happening just about every day and as I was relaying this to him  he started up with his "every excuse in the book"  routine.  Ridiculous excuses!  He say, Oh Ive had these head aches all my life. Like this is normal for him, bla bla bla.   I was beginning to feel that maybe after he doesnt have this disorder since hes been out of his flip mode on me for sometime. Its easy to forget in the here and now sometimes that this even happened., but when he started getting into his irrational childish excuses routine, I figured he wants these head aches. I thought maybe getting them helps him to feel less guilty, less apt to take any responsibilty for not going out and getting a job and doing things to help his living situation.   He can get sympathy from me and feel cared for in this way rather then doing it for himself.

                    He wanted to get in a fight with me when I was asking him about seeing a doctor. He got real snappy and on the edge of being mean.  He cut me off short and left me hanging on chat. I zeroed in on everything with in the means to help him get to the core of why hes gets to be in so much pain  as to find a solution.  He wanted nothing to do with this. Which I thought was sick. I was becoming a borderline bad person for caring about him and wanting to help.  It was like he got mad because he didnt want me to discover the truth.  The truth being he could be faking this. I was ruining his perfect mental set up he has going with me and with himself.

                    Ive been going through challenging times myself in my life and I was wondering maybe he has to do this to counter balance things in his direction to all ways be in a more suffering or hard time mode then me. Like its the only way he can make his life seem harder to deal with then mine is to me. HE has to all ways be a victim to something. How dare I try to take his victim mode away!  Bad me.  I think this is a big part of it and it caused me to rethink again about questions I have as to weather or not I even want to be in a relationship with a person like this.     It really turned me off and dissapointed me about him because I really thought he knew better then to play games like this not only to me but hes playing games with himself and wont face it. It is very juvenile and he's 55.  Its like someone walking around with a fractured leg but wont do anything about it because they like the attention they get from it. He alll ready smashed his finger in a gate and now thats just about healed so now he's got his headaches to replace this. He can always fall back onto his headaches for all time.  

         The problem is   that Im a "doing person"  and he's a "not do anything with anything" person. He sucks you into his world of helplessness and not doing anything about it but complaining, woes me syndrum,  until you feel stuck and helpless with him. Like he likes it, like this is a form of passive agressiveness hes been living out for a long time. He wont get job. Living off the state. I call it free loading on the system. Hes perfectly capable of working. He just wont.    Like he enjoys making you feel frustrated because he's never going to take any positive productive action to improve his life. There is "all ways" an excuse to back him up for this.  

I guess in one way or another I managed to set a boundary with him  with his head ache play if this is what it is.   If he isnt going to try to help himself, I dont want to hear it.  and I havent lately,  he stopped the drama,"oh I cant see the keyboard, Im blinded!"  really?  I know Ill allways care about him but Im learning I could never live with him being this way 24/7.  I dont have the tolerance.        No, I dont want to marry him, sorry.