So much time wasted

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 

don't mind me I just feel like processing out loud.

I was with my (now) ex-wife since she was 19.  She just turned 38.  We split up for good about 20 months ago - but we were still doing the "hang on" thing for a year (or so) after that even though she moved out of the house, and I moved out a few months later - and she went on to my replacement. Of course, I didn't know that at the time.

A few months after she left, I met and started dating a very nice woman and the time I spent with her was really really good.  But I know now (much like I knew then) that the main reason it was so nice was because of all the time prior to that I had spent with a woman who was sucking the life right out of me. 

I had only been with my wife from the day I met her - through the multiple breakup and get-back togethers... . and through the ups and downs of our 12 year marriage (13 years, I think).  Even during the last 4 years of our relationship when things got really bad I still remained faithful.  So when we finally split... . yeah... . anything which wasn't her was looking damn great!

But when I wasn't with my new GF, my world was still spinning.   I tried to keep it under wraps, was still going to counceling every week... . had a very good friend/confidant I spoke to ALL THE TIME... . heck, even more than I spoke to my GF.  I tried very hard to put and keep my r/s with my new GF in perspective. I didn't want it to be a 'rebound relationsip' mostly because that just sounds so ... . blah!

But in reality of course that is what it was.  No negative connotation meant. But that is what it was.  Even inside of that, it took me a long time to keep it straight in my head that my new GF was a NEW relationship, not a continuation of the old one with a better replacement.  And my new GF wasn't a booty call.  Yes, we got together once or twice a week for quality alone time (that is a euphemism for doing it!) - but we also texted each other constantly about our days, met for dinner, met for coffee... . I took whatever time I could get to be with her.

But ... . I also know that I wasted a lot of time trying to get my emotional connection with my wife straight in my head.  One of the reasons I felt so good with my GF was because when I was with her I could stop focusing on my "real life", the one that had crashed and burned and I missed so much.  Well, I mostly could. It still came crashing through at times and my emotions would get the better of me and I start babbling about this or that (and I didn't even realize I was doing it).

And then there were some times where I was having such a wonderful day... . like this one time I was on a trip to Colorado watching the sunrise over the mountains and all I could think about was my ex-wife.  All that wonderful sky and I just wanted to share it with a memory.

As my r/s progressed with my GF, I did start to pull further away from my ex... . and closer to her - well, at least closer to not having my ex control my thoughts while I was with my GF.  But I still did a mental compare/contrast and I didn't mean to do it.  I really didn't mean to.  Don't get me wrong, I struggled to catch myself doing it - and wondered if I really wanted to be with my GF and all that.

I even talked myself out of breaking up with her a few times.  Not because I didn't like her - but because I did.  Hell, I love her.

And for that reason alone I knew we shouldn't have been together.  I'm afraid I was using the relationsip as a stop-gap.  I was using her to help soothe the hurt I was feeling by detaching from my ex.

Of course, all of this was before coming to the realization of what the disorder did in my marriage (my wife had been diagnosed shortly before we finally split, so there really was no time to fully comprehend what her PD  was and the effects and all that.  The rupture had progressed too far).

So coincidently around the same time I came to grips with that understanding and could finally disconnect fully from my ex... . whatever was going on in my GFs head caused us to start to separate and we split up.

Yeah, I was hurt.  There were some lies which came to light which gave me no choice but to call it quits.  Boundaries and all.

But the sad part is... . a lot of what had happened while we were together and a lot of what I came to know of her... . I already knew the lifestyle of lies she liked to tell.  I saw it very very early on in our relationship but I truly didn't care.

I don't think I was in denial, but I certainly could live with whatever as long as I was being soothed.   Maybe that is part of why I had gotten to  a point a number of times thinking I wanted to break up.  Maybe that is why I was looking ahead at time frames which would be a certain built in fork in the road for us to split.

For example, if she ever got to a point where she wanted to have children.  I don't want to have children.  so that would have to be a fork in the road type thing.  Part of my brain knew there was built in obsceneness.  But it was far enough in the future that I could still enjoy our time today.

But that was such a waste of time.

Anyway... . so now I'm here.  Free and clear of my wife (the divorce is final)... . and clear of the life that I had to leave behind - and free of the transition r/s (which sadly ended on a sour note)... . and as much of emotional stability as I can have at the moment.

But I still say I wasted so much time.  I think I'm sad because I wish I could have gotten here sooner.  Soon after she left, I threw up walls to try and keep her out so I could lick my wounds - but she came crashing through them when she found out I was dating someone... . cause a whirlwind in my head.

But on the other hand, I'm glad the journey brought me to this site - and an understanding of PD... . and it helped me uncover my own deep routed childhood traumas which kept me in a perpetual state of seeking out these types of relationship dynamics, and was finally able to start to heal from the core out.

I would like to say that I really miss my GF.  But I think the reality of it is I miss just being with her because it was calming and soothing - maybe not the best way to go about healing, but it was a great time being with her... . so sometimes I still get a little confused was it her or was it just the effect.

Maybe it was a little of both.

[woodsposse]

 

don't mind me I just feel like processing out loud.

I was with my (now) ex-wife since she was 19.  She just turned 38.  We split up for good about 20 months ago - but we were still doing the "hang on" thing for a year (or so) after that even though she moved out of the house, and I moved out a few months later - and she went on to my replacement. Of course, I didn't know that at the time.

A few months after she left, I met and started dating a very nice woman and the time I spent with her was really really good.  But I know now (much like I knew then) that the main reason it was so nice was because of all the time prior to that I had spent with a woman who was sucking the life right out of me. 

I had only been with my wife from the day I met her - through the multiple breakup and get-back togethers... . and through the ups and downs of our 12 year marriage (13 years, I think).  Even during the last 4 years of our relationship when things got really bad I still remained faithful.  So when we finally split... . yeah... . anything which wasn't her was looking damn great!

But when I wasn't with my new GF, my world was still spinning.   I tried to keep it under wraps, was still going to counceling every week... . had a very good friend/confidant I spoke to ALL THE TIME... . heck, even more than I spoke to my GF.  I tried very hard to put and keep my r/s with my new GF in perspective. I didn't want it to be a 'rebound relationsip' mostly because that just sounds so ... . blah!

But in reality of course that is what it was.  No negative connotation meant. But that is what it was.  Even inside of that, it took me a long time to keep it straight in my head that my new GF was a NEW relationship, not a continuation of the old one with a better replacement.  And my new GF wasn't a booty call.  Yes, we got together once or twice a week for quality alone time (that is a euphemism for doing it!) - but we also texted each other constantly about our days, met for dinner, met for coffee... . I took whatever time I could get to be with her.

But ... . I also know that I wasted a lot of time trying to get my emotional connection with my wife straight in my head.  One of the reasons I felt so good with my GF was because when I was with her I could stop focusing on my "real life", the one that had crashed and burned and I missed so much.  Well, I mostly could. It still came crashing through at times and my emotions would get the better of me and I start babbling about this or that (and I didn't even realize I was doing it).

And then there were some times where I was having such a wonderful day... . like this one time I was on a trip to Colorado watching the sunrise over the mountains and all I could think about was my ex-wife.  All that wonderful sky and I just wanted to share it with a memory.

As my r/s progressed with my GF, I did start to pull further away from my ex... . and closer to her - well, at least closer to not having my ex control my thoughts while I was with my GF.  But I still did a mental compare/contrast and I didn't mean to do it.  I really didn't mean to.  Don't get me wrong, I struggled to catch myself doing it - and wondered if I really wanted to be with my GF and all that.

I even talked myself out of breaking up with her a few times.  Not because I didn't like her - but because I did.  Hell, I love her.

And for that reason alone I knew we shouldn't have been together.  I'm afraid I was using the relationsip as a stop-gap.  I was using her to help soothe the hurt I was feeling by detaching from my ex.

Of course, all of this was before coming to the realization of what the disorder did in my marriage (my wife had been diagnosed shortly before we finally split, so there really was no time to fully comprehend what her PD  was and the effects and all that.  The rupture had progressed too far).

So coincidently around the same time I came to grips with that understanding and could finally disconnect fully from my ex... . whatever was going on in my GFs head caused us to start to separate and we split up.

Yeah, I was hurt.  There were some lies which came to light which gave me no choice but to call it quits.  Boundaries and all.

But the sad part is... . a lot of what had happened while we were together and a lot of what I came to know of her... . I already knew the lifestyle of lies she liked to tell.  I saw it very very early on in our relationship but I truly didn't care.

I don't think I was in denial, but I certainly could live with whatever as long as I was being soothed.   Maybe that is part of why I had gotten to  a point a number of times thinking I wanted to break up.  Maybe that is why I was looking ahead at time frames which would be a certain built in fork in the road for us to split.

For example, if she ever got to a point where she wanted to have children.  I don't want to have children.  so that would have to be a fork in the road type thing.  Part of my brain knew there was built in obsceneness.  But it was far enough in the future that I could still enjoy our time today.

But that was such a waste of time.

Anyway... . so now I'm here.  Free and clear of my wife (the divorce is final)... . and clear of the life that I had to leave behind - and free of the transition r/s (which sadly ended on a sour note)... . and as much of emotional stability as I can have at the moment.

But I still say I wasted so much time.  I think I'm sad because I wish I could have gotten here sooner.  Soon after she left, I threw up walls to try and keep her out so I could lick my wounds - but she came crashing through them when she found out I was dating someone... . cause a whirlwind in my head.

But on the other hand, I'm glad the journey brought me to this site - and an understanding of PD... . and it helped me uncover my own deep routed childhood traumas which kept me in a perpetual state of seeking out these types of relationship dynamics, and was finally able to start to heal from the core out.

I would like to say that I really miss my GF.  But I think the reality of it is I miss just being with her because it was calming and soothing - maybe not the best way to go about healing, but it was a great time being with her... . so sometimes I still get a little confused was it her or was it just the effect.

Maybe it was a little of both.

[Ihope2]

Hi Woods Posse

I share your sadness at all the lost opportunities and lost years of my adult life and it taking so long for me to reach a state of awareness about what ails me.  My childhood was not ideal either, and there was definitely a lot of emotional neglect from our parents, and also a lot of enmeshment, lack of healthy boundaries and a lot of inappropriate behaviour modelled to my siblings and I on the part of our parents/stepparent.

I, too, never desired to have any children of my own.  I never knew why I was so vehement about my decision never to have my own children, I thought somehow that I was fundamentally flawed and would never be a good parent. I also did not want the responsibility of creating and shaping new life. It scared the living daylights out of me.  I realise now that I have been stuck in the "hurt child" mode my whole life, and emotionally, I was not able to move into a healthy adult mode and raise emotionally healthy kids of my own.  I had not realised how my past was holding me back.

I also never wanted to get married, I had a lot of ambivalent feelings about building a life together with someone else. I wanted to be close to someone, but it also scared me to death.  Enmeshment / Separateness ambivalence no doubt.  I was afraid I would become sucked up into someone else's life, without having room to be me and give free expression to my own self.  How ironic, that I landed up exactly in that space:  allowing myself to get sucked into the turbulent and confusing life of a man with severe BPD and indeed, marrying him right away, not even knowing him that well yet!

I am in now the aftermath of a 11 month highly dysfunctional marriage, waiting for the divorce trial date so that this marriage can be set aside, for once and for all!  I also feel a deep sadness for myself, for all the years that I have lived in a complete state of unawareness as to what is holding me back from finding joy and purpose in my life.  Perhaps if things had been different, I would have wanted to have children of my own, and experienced the joy of sharing my life with a loving husband and raising our children together.  (Even as I write this, I feel that "resistance" towards this idea of having my own kids!).  Here I am now, almost 45 years of age.  Again, I am all alone. 

But, I guess it just is what it is.  Things could always have been worse.  I am grateful for the things that have gone right.  I was brought to my knees this past year, and I feel that finally I have been learning what it is that I need to do for myself to find healing from my painful childhood.