Mother with BPD

[AH]

I found your site today and I am grateful that there is a support group for adults with BPD parents.  My 80-year old mother has BPD, and I am the one she has singled-out to have the Love/Hate relationship with.  I can do 'no wrong', until I don't follow the script she has written in her head, which seems to be all the time lately.  She lives 4 houses away from me and my husband, which is way too close.  My husband does a ridiculous amount of work on her yard and house, but no matter how hard he works or how many hours he is there, it is never enough.  She is always upset that he isn't spending enough time fixing 'whatever' and she feels he spends too much time helping neighbors and not helping her. 

Her biggest fears are abandonment and running out of money.  She has been suicidal, or at least I have known about her suicidal tendencies, since I was 12 years old.   She has 2 children, me (52) and my brother (56), who lives 5 miles away with his wife.  She has lots of friends that love her; she is very kind and level-headed when she is with them.   I wish I knew that side of her, I only see it when someone calls and she is very cheerful and happy to talk to them. 

At the moment, I am in the doghouse because she has been sick this week and I have not visited her every day.  I spent several hours with her on Thursday, listening to her talk about dying and how no one will miss her when she's gone.  Friday I was sick.  Saturday I called and she was mad that I had forgotten about her.  It is not good enough that I have been in contact with my brother and her friends, making sure someone is always checking in on her.  We have offered to have her stay at our house so it is easier to take care of her while she is sick, but she says 'no'.  Her illness is self-inflicted because she stops eating and drinking;  I am not sure if it is intentional or not, but there is a good chance it is.   A psychiatrist instructed me years ago to not encourage her illnesses by spending a lot of time with her when she is sick because that will give her positive reinforcement to be sick.  He said she had an amazing ability to have severe illnesses that are all created by her mind and her need for attention.  He was not sure if she was aware of it or not, however. 

I suffer from myalgic encephalomyelitis, which is exacerbated by stress.  I need to find a balance that doesn't put me in bed and doesn't make me feel guilty for not spending enough time with my mother.  I have had plenty of therapy, since I was 16, and they all say to distance myself from her, which I have but obviously not enough. 

[worn_out]

Yes, BPD moms are a bottomless pit of unmet needs. I am sorry you live so close by to her. In my case, moving to a different part of the country was a huge help (although it didn't stop the incessant phone calls). Please put your own health first and limit the time you spend with your mother. You are powerless to change her.

[Kwamina]

Hi AH

Dealing with a BPD mom can be quite challenging indeed. You unfortunately are also dealing with health issues which is tough enough.

Do you believe your mother still suffers from suicidal ideation? Has she perhaps ever gotten treatment/therapy for it (or any of her other issues)?

It is very unfortunate that your mother behaves the way she does. Her behavior causes you a lot of stress and that's exactly what you don't need with your medical condition.

To help protect yourself, I think you might benefit from some material we have here about setting and enforcing/defending boundaries:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Examples of boundaries

I also suggest you take a look at the so-called D.E.A.R.M.A.N. communication technique designed to help people assert themselves. I think this can also be very helpful with your mother:

After wandering in the FOG )fear, obligation, guilt) for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our family-member/partner/friend is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

You can read more here:

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

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