1 step forward 5 steps back

[Aussie JJ]

ArGh

I just did a course today on parenting after seperation, all the bad habits and stuff WE had at the end and I had to revisit it for 6 hours.  Basically spending 6 hours going over everything and re-living it all. 

Now I'm thinking about our son having to put up with that day in day out without me to absorb it.  Ruminating like crazy and 2 steps back wanting to confront her again and rescue.   Putting phone down, going for a walk so I can't send a bloody e-mail or make a phone call. 

FOG going crazy on me. 

[Narellan]

I felt really sad when I read your post . I can really identify with your pain. There's so much guilt we take on and I understand the constant worry about the children. I made a choice to leave my marriage 2 years ago. I have 3 sons all were teenagers at the time. All boys who needed a solid male role model. My partner was not that person. I had to make the choice to leave because " crazy outbursts" had become normal to my kids. And I didn't want history repeating itself when they marry. Two years out and they are the happiest kids, they're able to see for themselves how dysfunctional dad really is. One of them recently asked me why on earth I married him.

Kids are better to have come from a broken home, than to be living in one.

You know the reasons you left, and as hard as it is on the kids, you were unable to function in that home. I encourage you to read through lots of posts here on the leaving board, they may help you to relift the fog. Also on the L2 board if you're feeling like you are doubting your decision. There are also lots of resources and tools for you here.

It's a very difficult time, and quite natural that you feel the need to reconnect with your ex. And maybe that's not a bad thing? Ultimately it's your decision, and we are all here to support you whatever road you take. Take care of yourself. Going for a walk is awesome 

[Aussie JJ]

Yea, back from walk, want to still call her so going for another walk.  

Its against everything they say where you talk through your issues and resolve them.  Everything on BPD says not to do that.  All my friends say not to do it, my family that she painted black long ago tell me they will disown me essentially if I try. 

I've identified my tendancies for being very passive or how relationships develop into codependant ones.  Thing is I love this girl for who she is without BPD.  I can see how I've aggrivated those issues and want to acknowledge it if nothing else.  Why do I have to rely on others to tell me what to do when it feels so wrong. 

Where she wont give me a chance why is it I should not give her a chance to change.  Feel so conflicted after a week of being detached and understanding it all and finally starting to move on. 

Feel like CRAP. 

[Narellan]

Communicating with your ex is not discouraged on here. We will support you whatever you decide. There are lots of tools on here to help you communicate better with your wife, if thats what you decide to do. Just because youre on L3 leaving board, doesnt mean you have to stay here. Ultimately its your decision what you want to do and sometimes we move back and forward in our decisions.

Can i suggest that you keep busy (as you are trying to), until you feel calmer and then decide whether you still feel the need to break NC. You seem determined to remain NC, and ultimately if you are trying to detach and heal NC is the only way.

What do you hope will happen if you call her? What is likely to happen if you call her?

Some people on here when they start questioning their decisions make a pros and cons list of the relationship. Would that help to remind you why you have separated?

[Aussie JJ]

Done the pros and cons. 

The cons are things that are all BPD, they are me having to face my problems combined with hers. 

Pros, She did support me at times and was/is still that person.  She helped me face hard decisions and supported them even when they didn't help her.  That person deserves my forgiveness and my assistance with her problems to confront them not alone but with support. 

I really have to live with the decision either way. 

[refusetosuccumb]

I am sorry you are hurting. I too made the decision to take myself and my children out of the BPD hellhole. Itoo love my ex we were together for 16 yrs. I am not quite a month out but already my 10 and 7 yr old are recognizing what a valm household is like.

My decision is whats best for the kids. Me and my ex cease to matter for whats best for them. Thats what I remind myself when I feel sad. They know their dad is ill and without me triggering him, he can be a better dad to them. I have full custody with liberal visiation for the ex when he feels up to it.

 we can do this!