Do you find yourself "diagnosing" others?

[thinkingthinking]

Following my divorce from dBPDh, I find myself evaluating or "diagnosing" others all the time. I think it's probably a defense mechanism, but it scares me a little. In flipping through channels today, I even came across this silly "True Tori" show about Tori Spelling's warped relationship, and I want to scream "HEY! He is totally BPD and is not going to change!"

Just wonder if others coming out of a relationship with a BPD find themselves looking for BPD traits in others, and if you've been able to break yourself of this habit?

[woodsposse]

 

I will tell you this... . when I was in one of my sessions the other day, my T said "now that you are aware of what types of pwPD you have been around your whole life, you will see it everywhere!"  I don't think she meant it in a "you are now paranoid and will see PD in everyone".  She meant it in "now you see it!"

Can't unring the bell.

I know for me going through my r/s rupture with my diagnosed ex-wife was horrible.  The breakup was horrible and even when I tried to set boundaries for her being gone she came crashing through - which was horrible.  It just prolonged my healing and getting to a stable emotional place.

Back then, I didn't know what the deal was.  I knew I thought I tried everything I could to be what I needed to be in the r/s with her and to fix whatever could be fixed so we could be happy together - but it didn't work.  But even after all that, I still let her back around and got so confused between my past life and the new one I was trying to build.

I'm sure in the background it also took it's toll in my new r/s as well.  Not directly - but it played a part with me.  Some people see it as baggage, but I always had a sneaky itch in the back of my head that it was something else.

Anyway... . yes, I see it all the time now where before I just thought "uh oh... . that person is just trouble" or something like that.

My journey now isn't so much trying to detect and predict - but to have a firm grip on my boundaries with anyone (PD or not) - and if something happens which flies past them... . if I have to walk away, I intend to do so.

Trust me, that isn't easy. 

Sadly, I'm sitting here just over a week out of me and my GF splitting up.  Somethings came to light which flew so past my boundaries and were a deal breaker I had no choice but to walk away.  And it wasn't easy.  You would think it would be - but we were together for 18 months.  Even through all the pain and confusion after my splitup with my ex-wife... . her and I connected emotionally and it was very very tough to let that go.

Maybe ... . no I'm for sure a lot of it is habit.  I've been doing the whole back and forth thing with my wife for close to 20 years, and only a few short months ago came to the realization of what pwPD can do in a r/s (and why I was so abt to put up with stuff as long as I did).  So, yeah... . there is still some hold over and a feeling of wanting to be with her.  But I know if I "give in" to it, I would be the one destroying my own boundaries and my own self esteem.

And I simply can't do that.

So... . I'll keep  coming back here and reading and posting when I get to feeling like this because I know this works.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Ohh yes there are narcs socios and BPDs everywhere.

Amd its scary how many unsuspecting ppl there are.

[mywifecrazy]

Oooh Yeah!

When I was on a dating site (POF) I was looking real,close at every contact I made. I was supposed to meet up with this woman who warned me in advance that she's a little crazy  . She freaked out because I was 5 mins late to our meeting spot. I called her on her cell and hung up on her because of her attitude. I felt so relieved I was like WOW just dodged a major bullet there.

I got off the dating sights and decided not to date until I feel like I'm FULLY healed from the breakup of my 18yr marriage. I still have a ways to go!

Never Going to settle again. ITS EITHER GOING TO BE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A HEALTHY PERSON OR NO RELATIONSHIP FOR ME!

[woodsposse]

I got off the dating sights and decided not to date until I feel like I'm FULLY healed from the breakup of my 18yr marriage. I still have a ways to go!

Never Going to settle again. ITS EITHER GOING TO BE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A HEALTHY PERSON OR NO RELATIONSHIP FOR ME!

I know I didn't wait until I was fully healed from my marriage breakup (we had been together for close to 18 years) before starting a new r/s.  I was no where even close to being even a little healed.  It was rough.  I really wouldn't advise it if it can be helped.

Don't get me wrong, I always enjoyed being with my new GF.   I'm sorry we had to split up.

What I mean though is, I feel I wasn't emotionally all there and present since a lot of me was still wrapped up in my diagnosed ex and it was difficult to separate the past from the present sometimes.  That part really wasn't fair to my GF.  Everyone deserves to start a r/s with just the person they are in the r/s with.

Now that I'm more emotionally stable and available, I don't now how I would react if I meet a new romantic interest and she is still wrapped up in her ex as much as I was in mine.  Not sure how long I'd wanna stick around.

[Ihope2]

Interesting question, I think I've always done this.  A lot of people struggling with codependency issues, and also individuals who have grown up with dysfunctional FOO, having to read moods and emotions and by hypervigilant at all times for their own safety, probably have this finely-honed sense of perception about other people.  I find I am hypersensitive to other people and where they are at.  Sometimes I think that I absorb "their stuff" (their inner world/their psychic energy - sounds weird I guess) and by osmosis I get to know, sort of, what they are all about.

I also find, unfortunately, that I tend to jump to conclusions very quickly about people. If someone I have just met is in a bad mood, or going through a painful time, I tend to reference it to myself, that they don't like me, or that I have upset them. Then I jump to conclusions that they are not very nice people, they are intolerant of others etc!

I would like to work on being a little more contained, I want to be able to "close my pores" so that I do not absorb so much of other's moods.  Let them deal with their stuff, and me carry on with my things.  I do however still want to be able to recognise when there are "red flags" about certain people, so that I can back off and keep myself safe!

[arjay]

Greetings and a great topic by the way.

Looking back I realize I was simply naive and ignorant to believe that "people in general are reasonably healthy at SOME level".   Additionally I realized from my own personal work that I did often go into relationships less like someone honestly seeking meaningful companionship and sharing, and more about the "mating game", where we are often driven by our human hormones and sometimes our core insecurities more than the former.  I didn't spend the time to consider the healthy/unhealthy aspects of the relationship, because once again either my desire to "not be alone", seeking to "rescue somebody" (that I felt would shower me with admiration and appreciation   or simple sexual attraction over-shadowed simple logic and good common sense.

I liken my old approach to getting sucked-into the hype of a marketing commercial, instead of doing my homework and being patient.  My whole reason for relationships was skewed and often "knee-jerk".

Yes after two years of counseling and a failed marriage to a dBPD, I did come away looking at relationships and prospective mates differently and that was the point.  We now have a sensible and healthy view that "some people and some relationships are toxic".  We learned not to trust what "was being marketed" and instead to look deeper.  Relationships like business is all about caveat emptor-  Let the buyer beware.  We are simply more willing to take our time because we now can "see" in ourselves and others, what we either could not, or didn't wish to acknowledge.

Once I became comfortable with "living alone" and "rescuing myself" instead of others, I found myself actually happier as LESS inclined to want to deal with all that comes with a relationship.  It allowed me to view the whole point of relationships from a "higher place" and that included taking my time and doing more observing and less "putting myself out there". 

Peace

[woodsposse]

 

I totally agree with Arjay!

I finally came to the understanding of personality disorders only a few short months ago and it really did change my perspective on life and relationships.  Unfortunately, it was after my split with my wife (our r/s was almost 20 years together and very roller coaster) - and after being with my GF for about 16 months.  I started dating my GF shortly after my wife and I split up - so I was still continuing a pattern which started in my life a long long time ago.

Although, for the most part, my relationship with my GF was fantastic - I still was doing a great deal of processing of my breakup with my wife and my emotions were all over the place.  I tried to keep them in check during the time I was with my GF, but I'm sure they seeped through more than I realized.

This is not to say that I think my GF has any disorder, I just know that getting involved with her when I did was probably knee-jerk and I wasn't fully ready to take it with her any other place than companionship and sex and fun and feeling good again.  There were a lot of things in the r/s (red flags) I saw but ignored and/or just didn't care about.

That wasn't fair to her or me.  But I'm sure she did the same thing with me... . so it kinda evens itself out.

All of that is to say this, now that my emotions are a little (a lot) more stable and the FOG lifted, I'm not so ready to jump into anything with anyone and am not buying the "marketing".  I trust my gut... . and I won't look past the red flags again just to obtain an easy, albeit temporary fix.