self doubt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

though all the indicators say that my ex has untreated BPD (my information after educating myself about BPD, this forum, even my therpaist) i still get the doubts about her disease. I can not deny that i was in an abusive relationship at the least. Sometimes, i like to think that this relationship failed because of different circumstances between me and my ex. during the first phase i at least felt that our love can conquer the world. she was too good to be true. she is from a different religion, age and marital status (she got divorced). she is 29 and has been divorced, has 3 ex-fiances, has 4 ex-boyfriends and 2 abortions  she let me move in with her after only one week of knowing her. the next stage was full of silent treatments asking her what is wrong and she would smile in a fake way and say nothing. i tried to give her space as our relationship evolved so rapidly. but she kept calling me and asking me if i am going to sleep over at her place. her ex-bf appeared in the picture. she would go and see him in hotels   subtle abuse and degrading and subtle belittling comments. crazy making, one time we had an argument and i left to see a friend. she called me and asked me to invite over my friend. we ignored the argument and spent a "good" night. all of a sudden she took of my friend's t-shirt in an attempt to challenge my jealousy. I broke up with her but she got me back through sex the next day. the dance continued and at the end she blamed me for not tolerating her moodiness and sadness  she said she should have ended her stuff with her ex who she broke up with one month before me. i tend to think that this relationship as a normal rebound relationship (mine) but then i would say if it was only a normal rebound there would be no abuse, there would be push\pull. she would have let me go when i broke up with her if it was only a rebound relationship. she was also so jealous when i was talking to my ex-gf who lives in another country now while she was meeting her ex regularly.

[antjs]

though all the indicators say that my ex has untreated BPD (my information after educating myself about BPD, this forum, even my therpaist) i still get the doubts about her disease. I can not deny that i was in an abusive relationship at the least. Sometimes, i like to think that this relationship failed because of different circumstances between me and my ex. during the first phase i at least felt that our love can conquer the world. she was too good to be true. she is from a different religion, age and marital status (she got divorced). she is 29 and has been divorced, has 3 ex-fiances, has 4 ex-boyfriends and 2 abortions  she let me move in with her after only one week of knowing her. the next stage was full of silent treatments asking her what is wrong and she would smile in a fake way and say nothing. i tried to give her space as our relationship evolved so rapidly. but she kept calling me and asking me if i am going to sleep over at her place. her ex-bf appeared in the picture. she would go and see him in hotels   subtle abuse and degrading and subtle belittling comments. crazy making, one time we had an argument and i left to see a friend. she called me and asked me to invite over my friend. we ignored the argument and spent a "good" night. all of a sudden she took of my friend's t-shirt in an attempt to challenge my jealousy. I broke up with her but she got me back through sex the next day. the dance continued and at the end she blamed me for not tolerating her moodiness and sadness  she said she should have ended her stuff with her ex who she broke up with one month before me. i tend to think that this relationship as a normal rebound relationship (mine) but then i would say if it was only a normal rebound there would be no abuse, there would be push\pull. she would have let me go when i broke up with her if it was only a rebound relationship. she was also so jealous when i was talking to my ex-gf who lives in another country now while she was meeting her ex regularly.

[maternal]

You may want to consider figuring yourself out before you enter another relationship.

At the end of it all it's not "us vs. them," it's "us vs. us." You control your own destiny.  Find yourself and do for you.  Forget her.

[bunnyrabit]

What difference does it make if she has the actual illness or not? From what you're describing here, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, BPD or not. Healthy people just walk away from that.

she was too good to be true. she is from a different religion, age and marital status (she got divorced). she is 29 and has been divorced, has 3 ex-fiances, has 4 ex-boyfriends and 2 abortions... . she let me move in with her after only one week of knowing her.

This sounds too good to be true to you? I think you should take some time and reflect a bit on what you're saying here. Imo, all this sounds too horrible to be true and should raise some major   right of the bat.

[antjs]

What difference does it make if she has the actual illness or not? From what you're describing here, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, BPD or not. Healthy people just walk away from that.

she was too good to be true. she is from a different religion, age and marital status (she got divorced). she is 29 and has been divorced, has 3 ex-fiances, has 4 ex-boyfriends and 2 abortions... . she let me move in with her after only one week of knowing her.

This sounds too good to be true to you? I think you should take some time and reflect a bit on what you're saying here. Imo, all this sounds too horrible to be true and should raise some major   right of the bat.

of course i do not mean it is too good to be true to be with someone who was divorced,... . etc. i mean her attitude during the honeymoon stage was too good to be true. she acted like the woman of my dreams. I acknowledge that i missed a lot of major red flags but emotions are blind and i thought that was all history and she was a different person at that moment (obviously she is not).

[AwakenedOne]

Sometimes, i like to think that this relationship failed because of different circumstances between me and my ex.

Hi AJ,

Why do you like to think that she didn't have BPD?

My ex is undiagnosed also. Learning about BPD helped me to understand the hell I went though with this person. Ultimately though at this point, it doesn't matter if she has BPD or not. I prefer and deserve to not live like that anymore.

My opinion is if my ex doesn't have BPD that would be even worse. That would make her a cruel/selfish/heartless person with no excuse for being that way.

Peace,

AO

[New_dad.]

I agree with bunnyrabit. I think people with BPD seek out partners who are vulnerable or need the drama.

[antjs]

Sometimes, i like to think that this relationship failed because of different circumstances between me and my ex.

Hi AJ,

Why do you like to think that she didn't have BPD?

My ex is undiagnosed also. Learning about BPD helped me to understand the hell I went though with this person. Ultimately though at this point, it doesn't matter if she has BPD or not. I prefer and deserve to not live like that anymore.

My opinion is if my ex doesn't have BPD that would be even worse. That would make her a cruel/selfish/heartless person with no excuse for being that way.

Peace,

AO

i am confused that maybe she was going through some crisis in her but still you are right that does not give her excuse for her cruel non empathetic doings. she did triangulate, she did abuse me. she is so cruel that she is ignoring and hating someone that has lived a whole of  2 months 24\7 with her and he did not do anything wrong and was loving, careful and patient with her.

[New_dad.]

Anthony_james,

You should look at her past relationships. Did she convince you it was all their faults? It seems BPD's always blame others and don't take responsibility for own mistakes.

[antjs]

Anthony_james,

You should look at her past relationships. Did she convince you it was all their faults? It seems BPD's always blame others and don't take responsibility for own mistakes.

yes she did blame them but she was trying to say it in a way that she is not that angry at them. i remember an incident that happened during the last phase of the relationship after i figured out that there is something wrong with her but i have not known about BPD yet. she was trying to get me jealous by saying that her ex (was a special friend at that time) she is Triangulation with him and me is asking her to go to Slovenia and see his new house and visit the country. of course i was aware that she was trying to get me jealous. i asked dont u think that at least for him that is more than friendship ? she said yes i am aware of that. i said well you should give him some space due to his confusion. she answered well he is a grown up man and he should know what he is doing ! i was shocked

[bunnyrabit]

I agree with bunnyrabit. I think people with BPD seek out partners who are vulnerable or need the drama.

I think there are definitely some characteristics that all nons share. We're caretakers, fixers, but most of all we all have some co-dependent traits to some degree. There is just no other sensible explanation for why an otherwise rational human being would be drawn back to the abuse over and over... . We need the idealization phase that a BPD provides to feel lovable... . I think that this is really the main point for me to work on, to first build a healthy relationship with myself as this should the foundation of any external relationship.

[antjs]

I agree with bunnyrabit. I think people with BPD seek out partners who are vulnerable or need the drama.

We need the idealization phase that a BPD provides to feel lovable... . I think that this is really the main point for me to work on, to first build a healthy relationship with myself as this should the foundation of any external relationship.

and when you reach this point the first thing you will say is that you love yourself and you do not deserve to be treated in such a way or be back to someone who treats you in this abusive way

[bunnyrabit]

I agree with bunnyrabit. I think people with BPD seek out partners who are vulnerable or need the drama.

We need the idealization phase that a BPD provides to feel lovable... . I think that this is really the main point for me to work on, to first build a healthy relationship with myself as this should the foundation of any external relationship.

and when you reach this point the first thing you will say is that you love yourself and you do not deserve to be treated in such a way or be back to someone who treats you in this abusive way

Exactly and that is REALLY the place I want to be, I've suffered enough in my life and I won't put up with it anymore. And I'm getting there... . at a snails pace... .

[New_dad.]

I agree with bunnyrabit. I think people with BPD seek out partners who are vulnerable or need the drama.

I think there are definitely some characteristics that all nons share. We're caretakers, fixers, but most of all we all have some co-dependent traits to some degree. There is just no other sensible explanation for why an otherwise rational human being would be drawn back to the abuse over and over... . We need the idealization phase that a BPD provides to feel lovable... . I think that this is really the main point for me to work on, to first build a healthy relationship with myself as this should the foundation of any external relationship.

I hear about highs and lows but in my case the blame and anger started pretty much from the beginning. I don't recall many good times so maybe that's why it was easy for me to lose interest and get over it.

[arn131arn]

AJ,

It took a while for me to "get" this. I remember my therapist saying to me, "it doesn't matter what she is BPD or another personality disorder!"

I got very upset by this, and needed an answer. And the answer that I found out was all of these cluster B personality traits bleed together. And allot if times they are dually diagnosed.

She sounds just like my son's mother. I was told to research the Borderline Waif and covert narcissist... .  

Both of those helped me process what happened and on understanding some of the dynamics involved in our relationship.

Arn