She's texting me...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I asked her on friday to delete my number, because our recent "friendly contact" ended up with me in despair again. I did the same with hers and as I don't know it by heart there really wasn't any way for us to get in contact.

Now I received a text saying that she didn't delete it because she couldn't... . before you tell me to ignore it I already answered. I said "it feels good in a way but I really want to move on to someone that can truly be there for me" and concluded with "who knew that life was going to be so complicated huh?".

I know I should have probably ignored but it's just too hard because I do feel sorry for her as a human being and being ignored is just so harsh on anyone. But I'm staying at the surface with the communication, not asking her how she is, who she's hanging out with, who she's been with etc... . I just want to be in a place that I don't even care anymore, let alone obsess over it.

You think this might be a way to go about it, just keep the communication at a shallow level and not seek anything more behind it than there is. Because I know that all there is, is that she needs some attention or validation from no matter who and there just happens to be no one else around at this time... . Or am I showing her now a lack of boundaries?

[bunnyrabit]

I asked her on friday to delete my number, because our recent "friendly contact" ended up with me in despair again. I did the same with hers and as I don't know it by heart there really wasn't any way for us to get in contact.

Now I received a text saying that she didn't delete it because she couldn't... . before you tell me to ignore it I already answered. I said "it feels good in a way but I really want to move on to someone that can truly be there for me" and concluded with "who knew that life was going to be so complicated huh?".

I know I should have probably ignored but it's just too hard because I do feel sorry for her as a human being and being ignored is just so harsh on anyone. But I'm staying at the surface with the communication, not asking her how she is, who she's hanging out with, who she's been with etc... . I just want to be in a place that I don't even care anymore, let alone obsess over it.

You think this might be a way to go about it, just keep the communication at a shallow level and not seek anything more behind it than there is. Because I know that all there is, is that she needs some attention or validation from no matter who and there just happens to be no one else around at this time... . Or am I showing her now a lack of boundaries?

[arjay]

You think this might be a way to go about it, just keep the communication at a shallow level and not seek anything more behind it than there is. Because I know that all there is, is that she needs some attention or validation from no matter who and there just happens to be no one else around at this time... . Or am I showing her now a lack of boundaries?

Greetings.  Yes we are often contacted when they need "someone" to get them over their current situation or state of emotion.  So as I discovered, it was really not about me at all but about "her".  It sounds like you figured that out which is a really positive step.

Contact of any kind generally perpetuates their own inability to move on too.  We become their "last resort" in moments of crisis until they find somebody else and/or find whatever it is they need for that moment.

If this was a casual person in your life, would you still feel the same about fielding calls and texts about the latest crisis, knowing this person is BPD?

Peace

[bunnyrabit]

Greetings.  Yes we are often contacted when they need "someone" to get them over their current situation or state of emotion.  So as I discovered, it was really not about me at all but about "her".  It sounds like you figured that out which is a really positive step.

Yeah, it wasn't so hard to figure out, seeing that the months she was with the replacement I didn't get a sign of life from her and I didn't even have her number. It was like she fell off the face of the earth. Shortly after they broke up I got a barrage of texts and calls with the sweetest words of how much she cares for me, misses me etch... . Yeah right

Contact of any kind generally perpetuates their own inability to move on too.  We become their "last resort" in moments of crisis until they find somebody else and/or find whatever it is they need for that moment.

And that is exactly the pain I want to avoid, if someone else comes along, and there will, I will no longer be needed, I realize that. She has proven that to me enough times now.

If you were totally emotionally detached from this person, would you still feel the same about fielding calls and texts about the latest crisis?

I honestly cannot imagine what it would feel like to be completely emotionally detached from her. But my guess is no it wouldn't feel the same, I would still listen but it wouldn't affect me like it does now if she, for example, talks about her latest escapades... . I guess all I can do now is pretend I don't really care and just keep her at a distance, without becoming abusive or hurtful myself... .

If this was a casual person in your life, would you still feel the same about fielding calls and texts about the latest crisis, knowing this person is BPD?

If you phrase it like that and I'm speaking from my own experience here... . hell no! 

Thanks for your comment

[bunnyrabit]

Ok, she begged me to call her, so I did. Little background, she told me some time ago she was going to get back with her ex before me. The conversation:

... .

ME: so are things not working out with Mr. ex because you're contacting me?

SHE: maybe it will, if I'm very patient with him because I hurt him too in the past

ME: yeah, I'm pretty sure you did... .

SHE: I love you

... .

Omg, way to win the trust of your ex back, he's telling her to give him time and she uses that time to lead on her other ex and god knows who else... .

You know, sometimes it can help to stay in contact a bit to detach further as I can clearly see her messed up ways... .

[Lion Fire]

I've been there bunny rabbit,

had a few stretches of NC but she would always reach out eventually. Given the fact that her Dad had passed away recently I was compassionate and would respond reluctantly.

I was kind of ok with the LC thing until Friday when she randomly contacted me by text and then called immediately after she coud see that I had seen her message. Her tone was arrogant and she cut the conversation short and told me she'd call me back. She never made that call.

Normally that would be absolutely no problem for me with anyone else but with her the whole thing just magnified my vulnerability, frustration, pain and powerlessness. I was in a really dark space for a couple of days.

I then blocked her on whatsapp and my iphone. The only way she can contact me is via skype and i'm never online. I'm not sure how to block email but she never uses this. I 'm honestly over trying to figure out what her game is and I get upset when we have contact therefore the solution is No Contact. It's that simple.

I have to tell you, this has lifted my mood considerably. I feel like I've got some power back again and I'm not prey to her random and usually manipulative messages and calls.

This has given me some space away from her to work on my own healing.

This is not a regular break up scenario. Breaking up with a BPD is extremely complicated (to put it mildly) and much more painful because of their disordered, self centered and unpredictable state.

look after yourself.

Peace

[Lion Fire]

Bunny rabbit,

You have to step away from this entanglement bro. It's a classic triangle.remove yourself from the equation and take care of your own well being.

What would you tell someone who gave you a scenario like this and asked for advice? Therein lies the answer and the solution.

Look after you now

[bunnyrabit]

Bunny rabbit,

You have to step away from this entanglement bro. It's a classic triangle.remove yourself from the equation and take care of your own well being.

What would you tell someone who gave you a scenario like this and asked for advice? Therein lies the answer and the solution.

Look after you now

That's indeed what she's trying to pull, Triangulation, thanks for pointing that out. I'm feeling less and less part of the equation though, even with this contact now. I'm not expecting ANYTHING from her anymore other then her silly games. It's not really upsetting me anymore like it used to and I'm starting to see just how ridiculous her behavior, and quite frankly she, really is.

She just texted that she wants good sex, probably to hear "Oh yes, I want you too". So I answered, oh I'm sure you'll find someone to do that with... . I'm pretty sure if I keep this up, the contact will end by itself.

But thanks a lot for the advice Lion Fire, I'll make sure to look after my well being first.

[Lion Fire]

Aye mate, give yourself some space and stay out of the path of her twister :-)

Take it easy

[Infared]

When you get serious about it, you will go to any length to avoid contact.

I got a new phone number. Just notified everyone that was not associated with her of my new number. Pain in the a$$... . Definitely was tough and painful... . but I then had the certainty that there would be no more nonsense on my phone. It gave me a sense of taking charge and also taking care of me. All new stuff. Hard work.

[kba1969]

I have not blocked her from contacting me.  I personally need to know if she texts me otherwise I run risk of her just showing up on my doorstep.  I have a nine year old daughter that is recovering from this loss as well and I'd rather know if she's trying to contact me so I'm in control of the confrontation, if and when it happens.  I did block her on my phone but I became anxious thinking of the unannounced drop by and unblocked her number.  Feel better for sure!

[bunnyrabit]

When you get serious about it, you will go to any length to avoid contact.

I got a new phone number. Just notified everyone that was not associated with her of my new number. Pain in the a$$... . Definitely was tough and painful... . but I then had the certainty that there would be no more nonsense on my phone. It gave me a sense of taking charge and also taking care of me. All new stuff. Hard work.

I know, I know and I hear you guys, it's the same advice I would give to any non posting my story and I don't want to be advocating keeping contact but... . ultimately NC is a tool to detach from the BPD ex. I'm no longer craving for her to throw me a bone, in fact whenever she tries something like that I'm losing more and more respect for her, it is NOT the girl I fell in love with. And frankly, that's where I want to get, to lose all my respect for her, sorry but she just doesn't deserve it... . After 6 months out the FOG is definitely clearing and I can see her façade come crumbling down... .

I've actually had a BPD stalker for a while that I met on a dating site, I was never attracted to her and whenever she called or sought contact I was like, oh no, that crazy b**ch again... . And now I think I'd find it delightful if I could think the same way about my ex, it would be the ultimate detachment.

Her contacting me would then still bother me, but on a whole different level. I would just find it annoying to listen to her newest crisis and try to avoid it as much as possible. At that moment I can still go for the more extreme measures to block her.

So the difference with being completely NC is that while in NC I can start fabricating this fantasy persona again that I wanted her to be. While now having to listen to her nonsense and clearly seeing for what it is, nonsense, it's impossible to not see her for what she is... .

I don't know if this makes any sense, if it does get me hurt again I'll definitely go to the more extreme measures of blocking her out. But as for now, I'm calm, at peace and just thinking about my stuff and things *I* want to do

[bunnyrabit]

I have not blocked her from contacting me.  I personally need to know if she texts me otherwise I run risk of her just showing up on my doorstep.  I have a nine year old daughter that is recovering from this loss as well and I'd rather know if she's trying to contact me so I'm in control of the confrontation, if and when it happens.  I did block her on my phone but I became anxious thinking of the unannounced drop by and unblocked her number.  Feel better for sure!

I guess I'm lucky that her crazy mother hates my guts and will under no circumstance allow her to see me. I also moved to another city so I highly doubt she will show up at my doorstep this time... . But make no mistake kba, she can still pop up unannounced at your door, there's just no telling what they'll do next.  Mine did it too in the past and off I went for another round on the merry-go-round... .

[Infared]

When you get serious about it, you will go to any length to avoid contact.

I got a new phone number. Just notified everyone that was not associated with her of my new number. Pain in the a$$... . Definitely was tough and painful... . but I then had the certainty that there would be no more nonsense on my phone. It gave me a sense of taking charge and also taking care of me. All new stuff. Hard work.

I know, I know and I hear you guys, it's the same advice I would give to any non posting my story and I don't want to be advocating keeping contact but... . ultimately NC is a tool to detach from the BPD ex. I'm no longer craving for her to throw me a bone, in fact whenever she tries something like that I'm losing more and more respect for her, it is NOT the girl I fell in love with. And frankly, that's where I want to get, to lose all my respect for her, sorry but she just doesn't deserve it... . After 6 months out the FOG is definitely clearing and I can see her façade come crumbling down... .

I've actually had a BPD stalker for a while that I met on a dating site, I was never attracted to her and whenever she called or sought contact I was like, oh no, that crazy b**ch again... . And now I think I'd find it delightful if I could think the same way about my ex, it would be the ultimate detachment.

Her contacting me would then still bother me, but on a whole different level. I would just find it annoying to listen to her newest crisis and try to avoid it as much as possible. At that moment I can still go for the more extreme measures to block her.

So the difference with being completely NC is that while in NC I can start fabricating this fantasy persona again that I wanted her to be. While now having to listen to her nonsense and clearly seeing for what it is, nonsense, it's impossible to not see her for what she is... .

I don't know if this makes any sense, if it does get me hurt again I'll definitely go to the more extreme measures of blocking her out. But as for now, I'm calm, at peace and just thinking about my stuff and things *I* want to do

You seem pretty good about it.  I could not cope with the contact.  I would cave in and then get abused. Immediately. I HAD To cut it off. She still, years later tries to walk up to me in public places... . but I go out of my way to get away from her. She caused me so much pain... . I run from her in an effort of self preservation. Pretty silly for an adult male... . but it is just the safest option for my well being.

Your outlook seems balanced and confident. I guess we all have different comfort levels.

[Pecator]

... . ultimately NC is a tool to detach from the BPD ex. I'm no longer craving for her to throw me a bone, in fact whenever she tries something like that I'm losing more and more respect for her, it is NOT the girl I fell in love with. And frankly, that's where I want to get, to lose all my respect for her, sorry but she just doesn't deserve it... . After 6 months out the FOG is definitely clearing and I can see her façade come crumbling down... .

So the difference with being completely NC is that while in NC I can start fabricating this fantasy persona again that I wanted her to be. While now having to listen to her nonsense and clearly seeing for what it is, nonsense, it's impossible to not see her for what she is... .

I don't know if this makes any sense,

It makes complete sense. Remembering that there is not one rule that fits all situations, LC and a stream of information about her has helped me see her more clearly. NC causes me to ruminate and wonder and ultimately reach out... . never good.

LC has helped me see her mirror my replacement and completely change her values and goals from what we discussed were important in a relationship. Every time I see her, I realize the person that I loved was just a mirror as well. Last time I saw her, while speaking, I could say in my mind, "she is not that person." Yet hours later, I was grieving and trying to believe she really is. This is totally on me... . my issue. She has her own.

My growth step I am taking now is to move from waiting in LC just to see this r/s crumble and say to myself, "Ha, your were right," or just fade away into NC because I simply could not care less.

Thanks to this place, I am leaning to the latter.

(Still, I can't believe I just wrote that. Our heads move so much faster than our hearts).

[Pecator]

WOW!

After writing this I went to sit outside.

I began to fantasize about the perfect scenario of her coming back.

I imagined being stern and demanding, setting strong boundaries. I imagined her capitulating to spending the rest of our years to healing our wounds!

Did I not just write about how I want to grow to a point where I couldn't care less about her?


What the heck... . This sh$t is crazy hard!

Thanks to everyone who cares enough to share this journey!

[Cardinals in Flight]

WOW!

After writing this I went to sit outside.

I began to fantasize about the perfect scenario of her coming back.

I imagined being stern and demanding, setting strong boundaries. I imagined her capitulating to spending the rest of our years to healing our wounds!

Did I not just write about how I want to grow to a point where I couldn't care less about her?


What the heck... . This sh$t is crazy hard!

Thanks to everyone who cares enough to share this journey!

Been there done that, still do!   I know it's just me working this out in my head, trying to get my heart on board with it.  But this is so over, and in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, (Sex and the City) we need a new word for over!

I allowed and participated in reprehensible treatment, this cannot ever happen again.

I am so deserving of better!  And you know what? Our last encounter my X said to, "I'm sure you have many friends who can treat you better than me". She was soo right, and that was one of the most truthful things she had ever said to me.

You can do this, hang in with us.

CiF

[bunnyrabit]

WOW!

After writing this I went to sit outside.

I began to fantasize about the perfect scenario of her coming back.

I imagined being stern and demanding, setting strong boundaries. I imagined her capitulating to spending the rest of our years to healing our wounds!

Did I not just write about how I want to grow to a point where I couldn't care less about her?


What the heck... . This sh$t is crazy hard!

Thanks to everyone who cares enough to share this journey!

That's totally normal and do it too, after all it is a constant battle between our thoughts and our feelings. It's in fact a battle between our inner child and our inner adult. The adult being the rational, responsible one, knows that it would be a bad idea to go back. Yes, there will be some fun, but the negative consequences far outweigh that bit of fun.

Our inner child however doesn't care about consequences, it knows where it can get some fun and will throw a major pout fest when it doesn't get what it wants and will keep nagging until you give in.

For all human beings, it seems true that the inner child makes at least 90% of the important decisions. So What is difficult is internalizing that adult understanding, i.e., transforming knowledge into wisdom, which requires that our feelings catch up with our intellectual thoughts. Simply stated, we must persuade our inner child that our adult views of our ex's illness and our own codependency are correct.