I'm in panic mode

[Narellan]

Today has been a bad day. I've been thinking about my exBPD too much. As each day passes the day he returns to my local Suberb gets closer. I don't know when that will be but I'm anxious he's going to come around. It's Thursday night 8:30 pm pitch dark and I'm home alone. My exbest friend (my replacement  nc with her 4 weeks) is out socialising down the road with our mutual friends ( I've skipped the last 4 weeks) so I'm also on edge she will turn up at my door. So I'm hiding out in my house, making a cuppa with only one light on. I turn it off to go back to bed.

And someone is coming through my front door in the darkness.

I scream a murderous scream and my whole body freezes. It's my son (20 yo) decided not to stay the night at his dads. My whole body is shaking and the hairs are standing up on my arms. Hearts palpitating and I want to vomit.

He thinks it's hilarious. I think I'm losing my mind. I only feel safe when I'm locked in my house, which is all the time unless I'm at work.

I need to get some control. How do I address this people?

[LettingGo14]

I need to get some control. How do I address this people?

We start with kindness towards ourselves.   Rumination revs up our minds and our stories spin and spin and spin in our brains.   We imagine scary scenarios, and we are very hard on ourselves.

I try a number of things when my brain ruminates:  (1) exercise, (2) post here, (3) guided meditation, (4) write a gratitude list.

The scenarios that you imagine evoke fear.  It's natural.  However, we do -- with practice -- have the ability to reframe our thoughts, which then influences our emotions.   My "go to" practice is listening to podcasts on www.tarabrach.com   But, I've also used methods of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy -- (one example of a book with such techniques is Three Minute Therapy by Michael Edelstein).

One last thought:  trying to get "control" -- oddly enough -- may keep us stuck.  Welcoming the difficulty, accepting it, and feeling the emotions (rather than telling the story) can melt the ice of fear.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I am feeling that anxiety too nare...

I am so ready for this ___ to be done.

When they feel us detaching they show up.

[LettingGo14]

I am feeling that anxiety too

Here's a paradox I discovered recently.   My relationship humiliated me.   

To let go -- to really let go -- we can "consent" to the humiliation.  We "accept" it.

Why?  Because then it loses ALL power over us.  We no longer define ourselves by what we lost.  We remove all power from the one who we define as having humiliated us. 

Once accepted, we regain our ability to define ourselves.

[trappedinlove]

I am feeling that anxiety too

Here's a paradox I discovered recently.   My relationship humiliated me.   

To let go -- to really let go -- we can "consent" to the humiliation.  We "accept" it.

Why?  Because then it loses ALL power over us.  We no longer define ourselves by what we lost.  We remove all power from the one who we define as having humiliated us. 

Once accepted, we regain our ability to define ourselves.

LG, I am trying to follow this path too.

So far, I feel the positive change over time and I like it very much.

My anxiety level was reduced and I'm triggered much less and my mind is spinning much less ruminating over her,

Although I do find myself thinking about the past, the r/s and the present on a daily basis, the thoughts are less obsessive

and I can fairly easily move on rather than spin my mind over ruminating.

When I do get triggered, like I was a few days ago, it seems like the trigger is less intensive and lasts shorter... .

Thanks for being there for us!

TIL

[Narellan]

Thanks Lettinggo14

Sometimes my head gets away from me. Humiliation was a pretty big emotion for me in my r/s breakup, because of how public it all was. I told him I was hurt and humiliated beyond words. I'm going to start doing yoga at my local sports venue where I'm already a member. Retrain my brain. I had no idea I was so edgy last night until I screamed. I'm not one to easily startle.

[LettingGo14]

Thanks Lettinggo14

Sometimes my head gets away from me. Humiliation was a pretty big emotion for me in my r/s breakup, because of how public it all was. I told him I was hurt and humiliated beyond words. I'm going to start doing yoga at my local sports venue where I'm already a member. Retrain my brain. I had no idea I was so edgy last night until I screamed. I'm not one to easily startle.

Narellan -- I think it's a great step to do yoga, and begin retraining the brain.  I'm all in, and my brain is responding.   I accept my humiliation -- in fact I welcome it -- because then it has no more power of me, and I can validate myself.

We're here for you.

[jibber]

I understand the feeling of hiding in your own home, it's not a nice one, your home should be where you feel safe.

I still catch myself closing my window blinds in fear that she will stop by to see what i'm doing. I hate closed window blinds... .

A few weeks ago when i still read her emails (deleted my adress since), i was so scared she would come to my flat... . A friend was here and 10 minutes after he arrived, i begged him to go to his flat because i was so scared she would show up. My friend said: "don't worry, we will simply not open the door, yes?". A rational answer.

I still couldn't shake it. My friend was compassionate and we left for his place, but he still didn't fully understand how i can be do scared of her showing up.

I wish you a lot of strenght in this, i know the feeling. We are entitled to feel safe in our home, fight for it. I'm doing this, making small steps.

As for not leaving the house except for work, i can relate too.

Same as for loosing my best friend. He isn't the replacement in my case, but it was too much for him to deal with me in this situation. I needed a friend and he ended up yelling at me to finally shut the ___ up about it all, almost physically threatening me. After this i decided to end a ten year friendship, i couldn't handle anymore of being told to shut my mouth.

I have other friends that i see sometimes, but no really close ones. I have my family too. Still i spend most of my time at home these days, it's not easy on top of everything to feel lonely at home.

What helps me is to look after myself. I make sure i cook something good and healthy every day, and i started to do training at home every 2nd day (push ups, etc). I also go outside for some fresh air when the weather allows it, planning to go swimming each day in the river once the summer is finally here. This helps A LOT.

Hang in there.

[BacknthSaddle]

Here's a paradox I discovered recently.   My relationship humiliated me.   

To let go -- to really let go -- we can "consent" to the humiliation.  We "accept" it.

It's funny: just recently, my ex told me I was "too sensitive," a criticism I heard frequently.  But for the first time, I responded "I know I'm sensitive, and I make no secret of that.  I'm not ashamed of being sensitive."  The topic changed immediately.  It was the most empowered I'd ever felt in this regard.

[LettingGo14]

It's funny: just recently, my ex told me I was "too sensitive," a criticism I heard frequently.  But for the first time, I responded "I know I'm sensitive, and I make no secret of that.  I'm not ashamed of being sensitive."  The topic changed immediately.  It was the most empowered I'd ever felt in this regard.

I had this epiphany recently.   I clung to humiliation for a long time -- helpless like a small ship tossed in a stormy ocean.  By doing so, I was defining myself too narrowly -- only in context of this relationship.

Once I accepted the humiliation as an aspect of myself -- but not my whole self -- I felt like I abandoned the ship and jumped into the ocean, which made me a part of something much, much, much bigger.

"Enlightenment is the ego's ultimate disappointment."   It's working.   

[Narellan]

Thanks guys, and Jibber yes that me. I go to the local shops and do a quick run in and out, can't bear the thought of a big grocery shop. My kids are whinging for lack of food( there's plenty but I'm not stocked up) for tea last night I had a glass of wine and a packet of malteesers ! That's pretty bad. But no one was home to cook for and I recognise I'm depressed. My blinds are also shut and I've started to deadlock the front door. Never have before.

I just reactivated and took a peek at FB . And my ex BPD who's still interstate for a few more days, has deleted my former best friend from FB. Trouble in paradise already. Whid have thought? I feel smugly happier since seeing that. But now I've realised he's far more likely to come to my door now. I can deal with that. NC all the way!

Thanks for the support x

[dreamofstars]

Hi Narellan,

I think I am in a similar state as you, I am anxious of running into my uBPD (soon to be ex, we are in the middle of getting a divorce). I too just stay at home when I'm not at work. I live alone, sometimes that's the worst and best part. I can do what ever I want, but it's also very lonely.  I don't really vent much to my friends because it's just too much drama to inject into other people's lives, plus they have their own lives to deal with. I am going to start counseling soon. You replied to my other posts and its just really helpful to relate to people who are in a similar situation. I too am dealing with humiliation and also an insane level of betrayal.

I think getting out and doing yoga or something is great, I wish I could get out and do something, but I don't feel that I'm ready, I just want to stay safe in my house. I do second jibber's comments about cooking and taking walks, etc. I do enjoy cooking (it also helps kill time), or good take out is nice too, I can treat myself but still stay safe at home.

Be strong - NC - keep the negativity out of your life!

[jibber]

I think the yoga will do you a world of good.

I can understand the depression too, and how hard it is to keep trying to push yourself to do even the smallest things. I'm still pretty much in this state myself.

What helps to ease this a little is physical activity and fresh air. I still have to force myself to do this, but it helps once i do it. In this regard, i know the yoga will really help you!

Take small steps, and be proud of the small goals you reach. I think yoga will be great (actually am thinking about taking this up myself).

I know it's hard to find energy for anything after work. For weeks i came home and just didn't find the strenght to do anything at all... . I didn't want to anymore. But we have to push ourselves a little. I couldn't do it for weeks, and it's ok. If we have to cry there needs to be time for that too.

Something that helps me in this sometimes, when i don't find anymore strenght even for the most small things (like groceries, paperwork, keeping the house clean, etc)... .

I think of these two small stories:

There was an indian chief and his son. The chief told his son the story of the two wolves that live within all of us. He said there would be a good and a bad wolf, and they are in a constant battle.

The son asked his father: "But father, which one of the wolves will win the battle in the end?", to which the father replied: "The one that you feed."

The other story (it's more of a life advice than a story) is from Paulo Coelho... .

I don't remember it exactly, but he says more or less that people who are drownin will only really drown if they stop swimming to the surface. Maybe you can't see the surface yet, but if you stop trying to reach it, you will really drown eventually. So when you feel like drowning, keep swimming to the surface even if you can't see it anymore.

It's important we are good to ourselves. It's important we feed the good one of the two wolves. It's important that when we loose our faith, that we keep fighting because we must believe the face will come back to us if we don't give up (the surface will appear again if you just keep swimming up).

Yoga will be great i am sure!

I send you all my best wishes, hang in there!

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry today's been a rough one, Narellan.  I'm a bit down today too.  Been posting about my ex a lot and that's probably something to cut back on.  Sometimes it's good to talk, but sometimes it's just picking at the scab.  And, honestly, it's not all that scabbed over yet - it's still kinda raw.  So, I understand how some days are just plain hard.  Detaching is a long road.

Having your ex moving back would make anyone anxious.  That's a major event and one full of uncertainty.  Do you have a plan in mind of what you want to do if you encounter one another?  Does it help decrease your anxiety at all to have a plan ready?  I am not sure at all what I would do if I ran into my ex.  I honestly have no idea what I would ever say.  Would I even say anything.  What do you say to something that told you to never contact them again?  Anyway, I can appreciate how hard the anticipation must be.  Be gentle with yourself - it's a big event.

I'm glad you are taking up yoga.  Getting out and being active is one of the best ways to feel better.  I am still trying to get out more too.  It's hard when you feel so hurt and so depressed.  Taking small steps is best.  Start with the yoga class.  Maybe you will meet some new friends there.  You never know!

Hang in there, Narellan.  We'll all get through this together.   

[Turkish]

I am feeling that anxiety too

Here's a paradox I discovered recently.   My relationship humiliated me.  

To let go -- to really let go -- we can "consent" to the humiliation.  We "accept" it.

Why?  Because then it loses ALL power over us.  We no longer define ourselves by what we lost.  We remove all power from the one who we define as having humiliated us.  

Once accepted, we regain our ability to define ourselves.

That's how I felt. I was humiliated to all of her friends (who still like me, I think... . she mixed in bits of truth with disorder and reversals, not painting me black entirely), but the most humiliation was on FB, in front of all family, friends, and mutual friends. I accept that it was done, blocked her 3 months before she moved out of my house, split that part of her doing that with when I had to see her day to day (and now occasionally due to co-parenting).

I accepted that I am not the person she painted me to be (which was harder, because she mixed in bits of truth, albeit disordered and out of context).

I get the nervousness of being out of the house, Narellan. Being a rootless nomad for years, I only bought a house to start our family. So no more possibility of me packing up and leaving the state on basically a whim as I did once in my late 20s. Now I am stuck in it, alone 50% of the time. I "own" it though, in reality, and in now in my mind. So it's mine. It's mine and my kids' (hence my avatar). And after my nomadic history of hating being cooped up or even indoors, I do feel less anxious when I get home, kids or not. If I get depressed and anxious at work, I feel immensely better when I get home to my empty house. I'm trying to make her as small in my mind as possible, which helps with the detachment.

[maternal]

Yes!  Humiliation.  Nail on the head!

That's exactly where I've been swimming in my head the last few days.  The last parts of the relationship still clinging to me.  I am a very proud and bullheaded individual, and anyone close to me knows that he cheated on me multiple times... . it was the humiliation that really did me in.  That really screwed my self-esteem in the end.  I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be, but the fact that I could allow this person to walk all over me - and there was even communication with the one he cheated on/with/on/with, and she mentioned humiliation (albeit, her stance was that SHE was the true love of his life and that it's my fault that the two of them couldn't have a second chance... . no, I don't think she has BPD, I just think that she's very naive) - really put me in a great depression.  So the humiliation becomes greater in my mind precisely because she was right about some things (she also mentioned that I need to love myself first, which I just dismissed outright at that time).  An interesting tangent, I could watch and see how much better she was doing once she got over the breakup (it took her almost a year), and at one point, I even thought to myself "HE dragged her down and she really is MUCH better off without him... . could the same be true for me?"  I tried... .

I am only three weeks out, but I am really already feeling somewhat indifferent to him.  And this, the humiliation, that's a cherry on top. 

I fully accept the humiliation and can let the f*#k go!

[Narellan]

Turkish thanks for your replies. My exBPD is a nomad, and a minimalist. He has nothing, collects nothing. Travels around in a caravan. Believes he belongs to no one person, but everyone.

He makes everything so public which is where the humiliation comes in. Announces we were a couple , then days later publicly humiliated me.

I feel like he's destroyed my reputation. He has in a way. But he has a reputation for being a nutter so maybe my good girl reputation will hold up.

Anyway I do feel a lot better today. That's in part because It looks like he's had a falling out with the replacement ( former best friend of mine) so I'm feeling like karma is finally coming around to both of them. I'm looking more at it like they both lost me from their lives, instead of being so caught up in my pain of losing them. It's my karma to have lost them. They were a$$holes. 

[Turkish]

Turkish thanks for your replies. My exBPD is a nomad, and a minimalist. He has nothing, collects nothing.

Yikes, I hope you don't associate my comments about it with him 

Or more importantly, that it didn't trigger you.

Travels around in a caravan. Believes he belongs to no one person, but everyone.

Ok, well, that's weird. In the context of an attachment disorder, it begins to make some strange kind of sense. Some BPDs hoard (my mom, with BPD traits, and other parents we find talked about on the FM board) out of fear of loss. Others may be like him, and purposely not collect things (and people) due to the same fear of loss, exhibited in the opposite manner on the surface.

I feel like he's destroyed my reputation. He has in a way. But he has a reputation for being a nutter so maybe my good girl reputation will hold up.

It can be hard to not engage in a form of projection ourselves, assuming others feel the same way about a situation. If others see his reputation, they might take what he did to you as him being even more of a "nutter," and fitting that profile. I sense, and this is only based upon FB interaction with me, and how they talk to me when I see them on rare occasions, that my uBPDx's extended family actually see what she did for what it is: extreme immaturity not befitting an adult. I could be projecting, but I think there is some truth to my impression.

[Narellan]

No Turkish you didn't trigger me. Something I posted yesterday on the aura thread triggered me big tim. But I'm good today

When I was reading some article yesterday about emotional immaturity it made so much sense. He hasn't developed beyind looking at himself as an individual. He hasn't learned how to be with people. Hence no friends no meaningful interactions in his life. He almost has saviour type projections, thinks he's gods gift. But that's to cover up his self esteem. He really likes being alone being a nomad. But he always has fake FB friendships and does occasionally hook up with women when he's in one place long enough.