Hardest morning since we broke up

[JohnThorn]

This weekend I had the unfortunate experience of receiving an email confirmation from the Holiday Inn regarding my ex's stay for the Memorial Day weekend. When we were together, she created an account and used my email. I know she's with another guy. I am pretty confident that it's the dude she was sleeping with while we were working things out.

The thing that's so rough is that I keep thinking about her, an idealized version of her. I keep thinking about the sex and the bond she and I had. I even keep thinking about how she occasionally contacts me with nonsense about how I'm ruining her life (even tho I haven't sought contact with her for over a month). When she sends me these messages, I think it's cause she misses me. But now I don't know anymore. I don't know if it matters anyway. The truth is, time really isn't making things easier for me. Some days are ok. Some days I can't believe she's gone.  I can never make sense of any of it. A relationship so passionate in good and bad ways just completely annihilated in such unusual ways.

I want her back. And I want to stop wanting her back. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've even enamored with this girl for about 8 years. She captivated me years ago but she wasn't to be my girl for many many years. Now that she's gone... . I feel such an incredible loss. I know that she's crazy though. And I know that she made me act in crazy ways and think crazy thoughts. I'm not speaking hyperbolicay. I genuinely think she is insane, and that her insanity transfered unto me. But I feel fixated. Fixated by what I had. Fixated by what I lost. Fixated by what I'll never ever have with her even if we got back together. Fixated by the simple fact that I foolishly convinced myself long ago that she was a singular presence in my life that no other woman could compete with. I can't seem to let go of this thought. I feel unready to remove this pedestal. And i am so mad at myself for not removing it.

[Pecator]

Hey John, it really sucks what you are going through. But you are in the right place, because someone can always relate.

Mine was over Mother's Day weekend. I learned she took my replacement to the resort we loved—for his birthday. I can not tell you on how many levels this was crazy. First of all, our place? Secondly, Mother's Day weekend?

When we were together, this was always a very special weekend. She dedicated her life to raise two amazing boys (another thread suggested this is still BPD. She devoted her life to the two people she would always receive love). Mother's Day weekend was always the entire weekend. Friday night I took her out alone to focus on how much I loved her and how her strength to thrive as a good mother through very tough circumstances blessed my life. Because of her dedication to motherhood and her love for me, I have the most amazing family I could have ever imagined. (believing that is my greatest hurdle)

Saturday, the boys and I strategized a special day together just for her. Sunday was spent with her mother. Sunday evening we Skyped mine. This year I texted the boys to make sure they still made Saturday a special day for her. Wanted to let them know if they needed money to make it happen I would help them out.

She was away the entire weekend, didn't even go to her mother's house.

I was surprised how little this bothered me over the actual weekend. I even saw pictures she posted on Facebook. They seemed contrived and sad. It did not bother me when I saw them. I started feeling a sense of detachment.

Then when it was all over, I crashed. Monday I hardly left my bed. I missed her so much. Broke NC trying to get some validation. I was a mess. I missed Mother's Day, the kids, and just telling her how much I love her positive qualities.

I think this is all part of the process. It checks how deep our healing really is. It is the bizarre gift that BPD can give us. The only way to get through this is to become truly healthy. Granted it is a diamond at the bottom of a septic tank. If we are willing to dive through the ___, it is waiting for us.

For me, it wasn't the detachment that I felt over the weekend. It was me reverting back to the tools I used to endure the relationship. I was rationalizing her behaviour, postponing the real feelings as long as I could. Like the relationship, all the feelings I ignored came flooding back when it was over.

Fixated by what I had. Fixated by what I lost. Fixated by what I'll never ever have with her even if we got back together. Fixated by the simple fact that I foolishly convinced myself long ago that she was a singular presence in my life that no other woman could compete with. I can't seem to let go of this thought. I feel unready to remove this pedestal. And i am so mad at myself for not removing it.

This was my life for weeks after. What you said, and I put in bold, was a key to getting past this. In past recycles I fought hard to recover the unblemished, once-in-a-lifetime, deeply-enriching love we once had. This time around, even if we were to get back together (which I know we can't), that could never be. Thanks to this place, if we were to get back together, it would not be with her on a pedestal. I would have to accept that she is a person who could think taking another partner to our special resort is a good thing to do. She is a person who can block out and not feel a thing regarding all the special memories we had there as she tries to build something new with her new partner. She is a person that can so fundamentally change, that she trades a weekend to celebrate her for a chance to mirror and enmesh a new partner to stave off what ever pain she is currently feeling.

I can't do that. The pedestal is gone because I recognized my dynamics. I can ignore the natural feelings that come from her actions, anger and hurt, but only for so long. The pedestal is built on believing she can be the person I want her to be, believe she could be. Ultimately, pwBPD will always be who they really are.


It is a very long process. I am writing this because I went through another difficult weekend. Reading, thinking about and responding to your post helps me to recover.

Blessings my friend. 

[Eric1]

I know the feeling, John. I feel exactly the same.

[woodsposse]

 

I'm sure a lot of us here know exactly what you are going through.  And it isn't easy.

There were so many times I 'lost it' after our separation.  I  know during our marriage I did try my very hardest to 'make it work'.  But it never seemed to matter what I did. It either wasn't good enough, or not enough, or always something that I caused (even if it was reacting to something she did).

No amount of rationalization or intellictual approach could "fix it".  And the worse our relationship became, the worse everything got.  Even after I "let her go" - that's when it really got bad, and we weren't even living together.

I guess during that time I was still so connected to her that I even had a thought we could reconcile.  But that was never going to happen.  All that bit of connection did was make it harder for me to detach.  And, unfortunately, during that time frame I had started another r/s with a delightful young lady... . but what I brought to the party (all my emotional baggage) made it almost impossible for us to really get to any other level except "play time and companionship".

Which isn't fair to anyone.

I may have gotten ready to fully detach from my (now) ex-wife during the relationship with my GF... . I just wish I would have either met her now that I'm detached and 'ready' to start over... . or I could have pulled it together better while we were together.

We both deserved better.