Baby talk

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

letmeout

not sure it's that... the more he acts like this the more I want out.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I have been emotionally detaching in the last 6 months since I decided I need to get out.

I know he didn't ask to be this way and I also know what it would do to him if I left... . but I've been coming to terms with the facts that I can't control how he will feel when I leave and he hasn't really cared how he has made me feel over the last 33 years.

He refuses to quit drinking and doesn't think he is any part of the problem... . so without sobriety or therapy I don't see any chance of things improving and I'm just tired  being the only one putting an effort into this relationship.

If HE choses to drink himself to death or implode... that's HIS coice that has nothing to do with me... . even if he... his parents or others might see it that way.

I have been letting the secret out as what life has been like for the last 33 years and letting them know that I'm seriously considering leaving so it's not a total surprise when it happens.

Been trying to down size and making an effort not to aquire any more stuff.

The more I'm away from him... . the less time I want to spend with him... the less tolerant I am with him.

I think this marriage is dead... . just need to bury it and have a funeral. 

[froggy]

letmeout

not sure it's that... the more he acts like this the more I want out.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I have been emotionally detaching in the last 6 months since I decided I need to get out.

I know he didn't ask to be this way and I also know what it would do to him if I left... . but I've been coming to terms with the facts that I can't control how he will feel when I leave and he hasn't really cared how he has made me feel over the last 33 years.

He refuses to quit drinking and doesn't think he is any part of the problem... . so without sobriety or therapy I don't see any chance of things improving and I'm just tired  being the only one putting an effort into this relationship.

If HE choses to drink himself to death or implode... that's HIS coice that has nothing to do with me... . even if he... his parents or others might see it that way.

I have been letting the secret out as what life has been like for the last 33 years and letting them know that I'm seriously considering leaving so it's not a total surprise when it happens.

Been trying to down size and making an effort not to aquire any more stuff.

The more I'm away from him... . the less time I want to spend with him... the less tolerant I am with him.

I think this marriage is dead... . just need to bury it and have a funeral. 

[Leap]

I've got to agree with you regarding the sobriety.  I am a recovering alcoholic so have some insight into that part of it.  I can tell you from personal experience that he is in misery from the alcoholism, let alone the BPD.  I can also tell you I have seen people drink themselves to death and it is not pretty.  I know he is using the alcohol to deaden the misery.  Unfortunately, if he doesn't come to see that it will never go away if he continues to drink, there is probably little hope for the situation.  A positive side to this (got to find a silver lining in things like this) if he were to address the alcoholism through 12 step program (aa is one of the greatest inventions of man in my opinion) it could help the BPD because the basic idea is the same for the 12 step and dbt.  Basically, he has a problem with living life.  I can identify with my wife's BPD through my own alcoholism.  I can tell you alcoholic he has got to take the first step in admitting and facing the problem for himself.  Some of us never do and die in misery and fear.  I had a friend who passed a couple of weeks ago who, unfortunately, fell into this "category".  He never found anything worth living for, nothing to hold onto.  In my own mind it is a form of suicide, just takes a lot longer than a bullet.  The strange thing about my friends situation was when he finally got near the end (he had terminal cancer which had metastasized throughout most of his body), he told my BPD wife (I met him through her, she had known him most of her life and thought of him as an uncle) that he didn't want to die alone and he didn't want to die drunk.  The day before he died he went to hospice so was not drunk at the time of his death.  It was the only time in the nearly 12 years I knew him that I ever saw him this way.  As I stood there watching him take his last breath, I cried, not for me but for him because I couldn't imagine the misery he must have been in, the fear and self loathing that he experienced, the things he just couldn't face so many years that led him to that point.  I also thought of my wife because she is in the same type of mind that he was in.  The reason I say this to you is your husband is in that mind as well.  It has helped me to deal with the BPD in a more positive way, to stop resenting and being angry about a situation I have no control over.  My friend, hopefully, found his peace.  Ultimately the choice will probably have to be yours and yours alone as to what you do.  That is why these situations suck so much.  Letting go is the hardest thing.  In my own case, we have physically separated but I am still willing to hang in there with her, if she is willing to face what she must face.  If she can't then acceptance of that is the key.  And you may very well be right about your marriage and grieving it will be part of your healing, as with any death.  I hope you find your way, even if you have to leave him behind but I also, as a recovering alcoholic, must also hope he finds his way and can find the happiness and acceptance of himself that he so disparately wants, but has no idea how to get.  I wish you well and will pray for you.  Hope, Faith and Love.

[laelle]

I can only speak from my own experience, but my exbf loved to push buttons.  He remembered all of my likes and dislikes and used them accordingly.  It was about power and control.  If he knew I hated something he did, he would do it all the more (if it served his purpose).  How dare I tell him what to do?  You see... . to them your boundaries do not exist.  IF you have one, they systematically pounce on it until it breaks under the enormous pressure.

In the end, it looks like YOU are getting "irate and irrational" because he talks like a baby sometimes (big deal, right?)... . Either he doesn't understand what he is doing (I dont buy this rationality), or he intentionally disrespects your wants, needs and the importance of your very existence, while putting the blame on you for his drama.  It is amazing how such a little thing ends up being abusive behavior eh?  Its all about them.

We are puppets until we cut the strings and run like hell... .

[letmeout]

I know he didn't ask to be this way and I also know what it would do to him if I left... . but I've been coming to terms with the facts that I can't control how he will feel when I leave and he hasn't really cared how he has made me feel over the last 33 years.

He refuses to quit drinking and doesn't think he is any part of the problem... . so without sobriety or therapy I don't see any chance of things improving and I'm just tired  being the only one putting an effort into this relationship.

If HE chooses to drink himself to death or implode... that's HIS choice that has nothing to do with me... . even if he... his parents or others might see it that way.

I have been letting the secret out as what life has been like for the last 33 years and letting them know that I'm seriously considering leaving so it's not a total surprise when it happens.

Been trying to down size and making an effort not to acquire any more stuff.

The more I'm away from him... . the less time I want to spend with him... the less tolerant I am with him.

I think this marriage is dead... . just need to bury it and have a funeral. 

Wow Froggy, I swear that was my story word for word.  Caution: if he knows you are going to fly the coop, protect your assets now! You can bet your bottom dollar that he has been thinking how to punish you for leaving him.

I left mine in the kindest way possible, yet I was still raked over the coals.  We were married 35 years, and I feel very blessed that he isn't in my life anymore.