communication advice please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think my uBPD friend would qualify for what I have learned is a 'waif'. She plays helpless victim at the onset of all the relationships I have seen her in and she did same with me when she met me.  I fell hook line and sinker for it as a 'helper' personality. 

Anyway, here is what I am trying to figure out.  I am not prepared to cut her off entirely yet as I suffered consequences at work when I did that before.  It was ugly and nothing I would have predicted. 

Now I am trying different tact.  I have stopped all proactive communication with her.  she texts and IMs me about how she is upset or having bad time wherever she is.  I had read that I should validate how she is feeling and then be empathetic.  I have been doing that but I also feel like that is reinforcing her coming to me with her woe is me stories.  I am afraid that if I don't validate her feelings, it will trigger her as I have done before. But if I am too good at validating her feeling bad, I will reinforce for her that she should use me as her dumping ground. 

advice?

[JackBlacknBlue]

I think my uBPD friend would qualify for what I have learned is a 'waif'. She plays helpless victim at the onset of all the relationships I have seen her in and she did same with me when she met me.  I fell hook line and sinker for it as a 'helper' personality. 

Anyway, here is what I am trying to figure out.  I am not prepared to cut her off entirely yet as I suffered consequences at work when I did that before.  It was ugly and nothing I would have predicted. 

Now I am trying different tact.  I have stopped all proactive communication with her.  she texts and IMs me about how she is upset or having bad time wherever she is.  I had read that I should validate how she is feeling and then be empathetic.  I have been doing that but I also feel like that is reinforcing her coming to me with her woe is me stories.  I am afraid that if I don't validate her feelings, it will trigger her as I have done before. But if I am too good at validating her feeling bad, I will reinforce for her that she should use me as her dumping ground. 

advice?

[goldylamont]

can you explain a bit more what consequences you suffered when you cut her off before? in what manner did you cut her off and what did she do in retaliation? this could help us to offer advice.

[JackBlacknBlue]

about 2 years ago, when I didn't know what BPD was or that it might be cause of my friend's wild mood swings, lies, rage toward me etc, I started distancing myself from her. She gave me the silent treatment for a few weeks which hurt but I also recognized was just another sign I was in a very unhealthy relationship.  I had planned a trip for the weekend for her birthday that had been on our calendars for a couple of months.  a little over a week in advance, during silent treatment time, I sent her an email saying that I was giving her the time back on her calendar. she immediately called me (didn't leave vmail), im'd and then sent me email saying she didn't know what she had done, that she had always been a good friend to me.  I replied in email because I was too distraught to call her that I thought we were both lucky to have had each other's friendship during the last few years as we both had rough times that we helped each other through. I apologized for anything I may have done inadvertently to hurt her during that time, and said that any offenses either of us may have committed toward each other unknowingly was water under bridge.  I said that I thought we had a great professional working relationship and that I would prefer to keep our relationship at the professional colleague level going forward. I said I wished her happiness and peace. 

next day I saw her at work.  it was completely normal. the week leading up to the weekend we were supposed to have gone away was all fine. I think she was still thinking I would change my mind about going away for weekend.  I didn't. I went by myself.  It was miserable for me but I thought was healthier thing for me to do. 

Next week at work, I learned through others that she had me removed from a project and a business trip for something I was leading.  she would physically turn her back to me when there were a group of colleagues together talking. She actually ran away - I mean actually ran- down a hallway away from group she was in when she saw me walking behind them.  people at work started asking me what was going on.  She is more senior than me so I got really worried that she would affect my career in that group. I changed jobs and left that dept to get away from that risk. 

she contacted me about 9 months after she stopped speaking to me entirely.  she had a big drama in her life and said I was only one who she could turn to.  I was sucker and fell for it.  I helped her through that drama over the last year (got the rages, dr. Jekyll/mr hyde behavior again) but now feel like I can exit stage left without her feeling like I am abandoning her I midst of a crisis.  The advice I am looking for is related to how I communicate with her now.  I am trying to be supportive and empathetic in my responses to her drama texts but think that is also reinforcing her sending me those kinds of texts.  like yesterday, after 3 days of not communicating, she sent me text asking if I was ok and that she had horrible weekend.  of course,with a non friend I would ask what happened.  So I did knowing full well that it waS going to be drama about the married guy she is seeing. she responded that it was all hopeless and they were two lost souls and her job is horrible.  I took a page out of these forums and used the supportive language that it must be really hard for her.  I could see how much she is suffering and shouldering the burden of their relationship but that she could draw on the strength I know she has.  that was all I sent her in attempt to not trigger her as I have done in the past.

but I think I am reinforcing bad habit with her sending me these woe is me texts all the time.

[goldylamont]

i see. can she still mess things up for you professionally since you now have a different job? and if so could you talk to HR at your company to proactively file a complaint--although I know this could be problematic as well.

[OutOfEgypt]

I have been doing that but I also feel like that is reinforcing her coming to me with her woe is me stories.  I am afraid that if I don't validate her feelings, it will trigger her as I have done before.

THIS is the mechanism that keeps the whole game running.  "I am afraid that if I don't... . "  And that is why you walk on eggshells and she runs the show.  Communication is important, but you have to decide, first, that your life and freedom (and not enabling her) are more important than staving off her explosions (which, honestly, will still come, won't they?).

My uBPDexw would do that kind of thing to me.  I eventually stopped replying, unless it had to do with our children.  I stopped reinforcing the "I'll run to him whenever I hurt" thing she was doing.  If she ever confronts me on it, I am just plain and unemotional about it... . "I read what you wrote... . I just was too busy at the moment to reply, and I feel for you but just didn't want to reply."  No explanation needed.  You don't need to justify not wanting to get sucked into the vortex.  You don't even need to explain that the vortex exists ... . they certainly won't hear it, they will just argue with you about it.

Here's the absolutely crazy thing that we either forget about or fail to realize in our quest to avoid their temper tantrums and painful behavior:  we have a right to think and feel as we do.  That is what it means to have our own identity.  You have the right to say, "I didn't want to reply to that."  And you have a right to do it WITHOUT having to answer to them.  Are they your god?  Do you answer to them?