Child Abuse - Physical ... No evidence

[blue_skies_ahead]

Help, please.  I'm beside myself with what my child divulged to me this weekend.  We have been having a relaxing weekend swimming and spending time together.  My son is 8.  He told me that his father has been slapping him in the face and pulling his hair out.  This has been going on for a few months, apparently.  Once he came home with a small bruise on his cheek but I didn't get the truth from my son back when I asked about it.  He says this happens when he tells his father he's sick of driving back and forth 2 hours away to his new wife's residence.  I asked my son if he was throwing a tantrum or something and he insists that it's nothing more than voicing his opinion.  I believe him because I was subjected to the same treatment in the marriage.  He also doesn't get him medical treatment when it's needed.  I really need a lawyer, but I'm thinking I'll start with scheduling an appointment with son's therapist as he said he wanted to talk to her about it after I suggested she might be able to help the situation.  He told me he wants me to "make it stop".  I have been beside myself and in tears over this.  Without evidence, I think I have to go get him support/help first and see if she'll speak with me privately for a few moments, then sell everything I can to hire a lawyer.  I knew he was a ass and evil to me, but I didn't think he'd ever lay hands on our son.  Any experience here that can offer advice?

[ForeverDad]

This can be child abuse.  His counselor is a mandated reporter.  You can also take him to the doctor and let the doctor, a mandated reporter, log it and follow through.  You can report it yourself to the local children's services agency.

The real question is whether anything comes of this.  That's harder to say.  First, will your son speak with others?  It sounds like he's ready to do so.  They may have to gain his trust.  Often abuse comes with threats to keep it secret and not to talk about it to others.  (My ex said her abuser SF convinced her that (1) it was her fault he did it and (2) she would be the in trouble if she talked.)

Be aware that if you delay reporting this, then the farther in the past it is once reported, the lesser the urgency of the agencies.  Also, you want to avoid being grilled why you waited if you delay reporting it.  Yes, ex will probably deny it, even blame-shift onto you as instigating it, so be prepared.

Probably it's actionable, less likely that it's not, so report it and let the professionals decide.  They're the ones trained and tasked with handling such incidents.

[blue_skies_ahead]

Thanks, ForeverDad.  I made an appointment for my son today and he did open up to the counselor.  She did not say what, if anything, she planned on doing for him as far as reporting the incident, but I will follow through with her tomorrow, but it's kind of a fine line about how much she can discuss openly with me.  After all, the sessions I've been taking him to have been for him to feel better - this just happens to be a weird circumstance that came up this weekend (thank GOD).  After he spoke with the T, we went out for lunch.  I told my son that hitting like that - in the face or on the body so that it hurts - or pulling hair out - is NEVER okay.  He said that was what the T told him, too - then what I heard next about broke my heart because it sounded like he was wavering when the other day, he was so adamant about asking me to make it stop ... . he said, "Well, he hasn't been doing it as much as he used to ... . "  I said even once was one time too many.  I told him I understand that he loves his Daddy - that doesn't mean we make excuses for poor decisions made or lack of control over our anger/emotions.  I also found out that my exUBPDh and his new wife have been leaving the children (his new wife has a younger 5 y.o. child from another relationship) alone for hours while they lock themselves in their bedroom.  Son isn't allowed to even LOOK into that room, let alone knock or go in.  Nice, huh?  You know, just when I thought he couldn't get any worse ... . he keeps making me    The therapist suggested that I start sending him with his cell phone, which I just got for him.  It's a smart phone.  I'm afraid it will conveniently end up missing after one of his visits, but I'll still send it with him.  His T told him to text or call me if anything happens again or he's alone and wants company.  She gave him some coping skills to use when he gets into tough situations like that - like thinking of his cat or looking at pictures of his cat, Minecraft, etc.

I'm wondering if I should be petitioning the court for a restraining order until all this gets sorted out?  I'm worried about sending him to his father's this weekend knowing what I know now.    I guess these are all warm fuzzy thoughts that can keep me warm tonight as I toss and turn to fall asleep?  I wish that were funnier to me, right now.  Usually I can make myself laugh.  You know, the rub is this -  I don't want to be in contempt of the Court's Order, but I also don't want to live with being in contempt of myself.  Perhaps I can consult with a lawyer over the telephone tomorrow or Thursday and get some advice because I have now missed two paying days from work this week and I'm not sure I can afford to miss much more without a.) being cash broke and b.) getting fired. 

I can't believe I signed up to do the crazy dance with this man until our son is old enough to tell him NO or he's big enough that he won't dare strike him.  I keep telling myself, just breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.   

[livednlearned]

blue_skies_ahead,

How awful for your son  :'( I'm so sorry.

What I've done in my case is to file an ex parte suspension of visitation. That allows you to suspend visitation with S8 and his dad until a court hearing is scheduled. The first time I did it, there was a three month period before the hearing. Last time, it was two months. The ex parte allows you to take fast action while the legal machinery grinds slowly forward. Your ex could file a contempt of court against you. In my case (N/BPDx filed a motion for contempt the first time), it didn't count for anything. Court found that I showed enough cause that visitation should be suspended and dismissed N/BPDx's motion for contempt.

Do you have enough money to consult with a lawyer or several lawyers to ask about how things will work in your state if you file? Usually it's $50 or $100 for 30 minutes. At least you can figure out a strategy.

You'll want to know what the likely outcomes would be, how the court would substantiate the claims, all within the context of your prior case history. Like if there was DV in your r/s, that kind of thing. In my case, I had email and text documentation. I'm not sure how things would play out if it was based on what S12 reported. It could be that a GAL or custody evaluator or CPS will get involved in your case, but that's a question for your lawyer.

Usually, from what I gather reading stories here, if you file an ex parte suspension of visitation, your son won't have to go to his dad's until court sorts it out.