My wife with BPD is continuously suffering.. Don't know how to help her...

[Depth_of_Mind]

Someone please help me. My wife has BPD, we married 2 years back. She is aware about her conditions, she love me extremely. She don't want give any pain to me, she takes everything on herself both physical and emotional pain.(she is not interested in any therapy)

She says she has realized that until she is connected with me we both are going to suffer. She blames herself for spoiling her and my life.

She is desperate to fix the problem and only way she see is disconnecting herself with me but only i Know how much she suffer without my presence. For validating her emotion i agreed that all problematic situations occurs since she is connected to me.

Currently she doesn't want to discuss anything to me since more than 24 hours. She is crying and going towards depression. She is suffering a lot. She need me but i am not getting how should I help her. 

Emotional thoughts are killing her from both the sides

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

I hear your pain. 

It is so hard to watch someone you love suffer.  And often, there is nothing you can do to change it. 

When my uBPDfiancee is in a depressed state, she can wail in despair, like a broken and abandoned 3 year old, and it is the most heartbreaking thing you have ever heard.  She is in therapy, on  meds and has been trying so hard to make some changes and this is still her daily or at least weekly reality. 

It has taken me 3.5 years to figure out that all I can do is hold her, validate her feelings and wait for it to pass.  Because I am not the cause of this and I cannot control it. 

Couldn't let you go without a 

[maxsterling]

Wow.  I'm sorry, Depth_of_Mind.  I know exactly how you feel. At most I get 2-3 days of peace and stability before something falls apart.  And it's been like that for a year.  One minute she is asking me why we aren't married, and an hour later thrashing about full of self hatred and how she should leave to spare my life.  Today I just feel empty, defeated, and exhausted.  It would be nice if your wife would be interested in therapy. 

Here's hoping you get some kind of a break today.

[Depth_of_Mind]

Thank You Olinda and Maxsterling to understand my feelings.

Validation techniques and other tools mentioned in the forums are definitely helpful to prevent escalating situation and can protect me from her rages but not sure ever in life if i could protect her from the killer monster thoughts which are making periodic attacks without any miss.

These Killer monster thoughts are so powerful, so intelligent, they exactly know how to create painful situation and  suck all the energy from the victim so that victim can not fight back.

I understand therapies are helpful and many have benefited by that but I believe these therapies only teach us how to handle/control the monster thoughts but they can never prevent them from occurring.