Wait... was he a narcissist?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As you know, I am here on these boards more to work through abuse done to me by a 'friend' who became my ex's new gf.

However I was having a ponder the other night as to my own ex's inner demons and potential issues.

Since our break up, a year ago now, I have been inclined to think my ex may be a narcissist or at least have traits. Him, his two brothers and his sister had a rocky upbringing with a controlling and rageful mother and distant father. I think I have mentioned before but I have a feeling his mother may have had BPD. His eldest brother has definitely been affected in some degree, he never speaks and is a very anti social individual; I find his behaviour for a 33 year old man very disturbing and I find it even scarier that no one in the family thinks his behavior is cause for alarm. To be clear it is not simply that he is an introvert, he has never done more than grunt at me and then run out of the room. My ex, who is the youngest of the four children, is generally fine though but has a few... . erm... quirks shall we say.

It's hard to determine. Some things he did I's just think 'why would any healthy person think that is ok? Or be so shocked that there were consequences for that?' and other times he seemed extremely independent and laid back.

I found this check list on this thread -https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=150609.0

Found it interesting to go through.

1. Self-centered. Her needs are paramount. Yes, he certainly thought they were more important than mine.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds. No, he would feel remorse the majority of the time at least.

3. Unreliable, undependable. To an extent, he would be late for things often but never flakey; and I'm not the most punctual either.

4. Does not care about the consequences of her actions. Yes, he seemed to do a lot of things selfishly with no regard of how that may affect others.

5. Projects her faults on to others. High blaming behaviour; never her fault. Erm, not really. No projecting per say but he struggle to take responsibility for himself. It was never his fault.

6. Little if any conscience. As worrying as it sounds, I'm unsure about. I want to say he had a conscience but sometimes...

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others. To an extent yes. He cared about my feelings and needs but they were not equal to his and there was a large segment of his friends and networks he clearly would drop like a stone if it were to his advantage.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others. He was very good in his career and definitely come off as a confident young man. It was a guise he would never let down, even in private with me however many people in my life picked up how he felt fake.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage. Not at all. All water off a ducks back... . I did wonder if maybe he just bottled it all up though.

10. People are to be manipulated for her needs. Generally I did not see this, no.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to her gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry. I did not see any evidence of this either so I cannot say.

12. Pathological lying. I have yet to see anything he said to me or others as a lie so I shall say no.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others. Hmm in a way. Generally no but he aimed to live his life via a very rigid plan and path which clearly depended heavily on the people around him doing exactly what he expected of them. Life does not work this way, I feel his inflexibility will get him in real trouble soon when someone diverts from 'his' plans.

14. No real values. Mostly situational. Once again, could not say. I'd generally say he had good and consistant values.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate. I don't think many people would label him specifically the caring or understanding type.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods. Nope

17. Uses sex to control I would say no but he had a real appetite for it. We very rarely were able to just cuddle in bed, he almost constantly wanted sex. At first great but then I almost found it a bit perverse.

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions. YES! He thought what he thought and what he felt was the same thing; did not understand how there could be a differentiation in that.

19. Conversation controller. In a way, I found I'd ask him how he was and he'd then talk for 20-30 mins about his day in great details... . then afterwards wouldn't even ask me how I was...

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment. Not really, he was pretty forgiving and didn't hold grudges.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities. Not that I knew of haha but guess that might be the point. I was never suspicious of this though

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt. Needs strong emotions to survive. Not at all, he liked a calm life.

23. Moody - switches from nice girl to anger without much provocation. Nope, I never saw his angry side tbh.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations. Not that I saw

25. Seldom expresses appreciation. To a degree, now I reflect I very rarely got a genuine thank you for kind gestures.

26. Grandiose. Convinced she knows more than others and is correct in all she does. Yep, he had a real bad habit of speaking with a particular patronising tone towards me and other people.

27. Lacks ability to see how she comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with her behaviour. Never her fault. Possibly. If I approach him about something he did that bothered me it was common for him to sulk and pout rather than be open for discussion. And he would NEVER say sorry.

28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow. I would see him get frustrated but no more than a usual person. I never saw him cry, apparently he hadn't since he was 7-8.

29. She breaks her man’s confidence to keep him dependent. Hmm yes in a way. He could be very critical of me, I was very submissive and subservient in the relationship and made to feel I was over stepping to line if I tried to speak up and move to a more equal footing.

30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to her. Nope

31. Sabotages partner. Wants him to be happy only through her and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances. Not at all, he was very encouraging to me meeting new people, succeeding in a new job and gaining new hobbies... . though just as things were starting to go well he left me so... .

32. Highly contradictory. Not really but I did find he talked a lot with little action to back it up

33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with her. Not really

34. Hides her real self. Always “on”  Yes, see earlier about personas

35. Kind only if she's getting from you what she wants. As I said, I'm not sure I'd call him kind specifically but it did not feel like he had ulterior motives.

36. She has to be right. She has to win. She has to look good. Yep, he always had to be right. Always had to win the argument, he must have seen apologizing as a failure.

37. She announces, not discusses. She tells, not asks. Mmm in a way I agree with this

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda. No I would not call it a hidden agenda. However when we broke up I was stunned when he said he'd been considering it for a good couple of months; I was very upset he did not even think to come talk to me earlier so we could see about a way of working things out. To him I had one chance/I should have just known.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on herself. Nope, he could be surprisingly cheap though when it came to spending on anyone but himself. Especially since he made a relatively decent income for his age and position.

40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas" He did not like hearing my side of things in an argument that's for sure, like I said, would just sulk and pout and almost switch off.

41. Always feels misunderstood. Not that I knew of.

42. Does not listen because she does not care. I think he switched off a lot when I or other people were talking. Loads of times I would tell him stuff and he'd forget it almost immediately. From general info about my life to whether I was seeing him on the weekend of not. Lots of times I would ask 'what time should I come Friday?' and he'd be all 'you're coming Friday?'... . yes we did talk about this. He usually would have made plans cos he hadn't listened in the first place :/

43. Her feelings are discussed, not the partners. To a degree, as I said though, he didn't seem to have feelings as far as he knew; he had thoughts.

44. Is not interested in problem-solving. Unable to solve problems because that would mean facing herself. Hmm yes and no. Generally he was a very rational and logical person but, as I said, when we broke up most of our problems were solvable, I just didn't realise they were affecting us so much because he never came forward to discuss it with me. It was very frustrating, it felt like he was throwing away our r/s for nothing; he couldn't be bothered to even try.

45. Very good at reading people, so she can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting. No, he didn't seem to be a people reader and he never gaslit me.

46. Jealous No

47. Double standards No


Am I over complicated this or does there seem to be a pattern?

[Springle]

As you know, I am here on these boards more to work through abuse done to me by a 'friend' who became my ex's new gf.

However I was having a ponder the other night as to my own ex's inner demons and potential issues.

Since our break up, a year ago now, I have been inclined to think my ex may be a narcissist or at least have traits. Him, his two brothers and his sister had a rocky upbringing with a controlling and rageful mother and distant father. I think I have mentioned before but I have a feeling his mother may have had BPD. His eldest brother has definitely been affected in some degree, he never speaks and is a very anti social individual; I find his behaviour for a 33 year old man very disturbing and I find it even scarier that no one in the family thinks his behavior is cause for alarm. To be clear it is not simply that he is an introvert, he has never done more than grunt at me and then run out of the room. My ex, who is the youngest of the four children, is generally fine though but has a few... . erm... quirks shall we say.

It's hard to determine. Some things he did I's just think 'why would any healthy person think that is ok? Or be so shocked that there were consequences for that?' and other times he seemed extremely independent and laid back.

I found this check list on this thread -https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=150609.0

Found it interesting to go through.

1. Self-centered. Her needs are paramount. Yes, he certainly thought they were more important than mine.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds. No, he would feel remorse the majority of the time at least.

3. Unreliable, undependable. To an extent, he would be late for things often but never flakey; and I'm not the most punctual either.

4. Does not care about the consequences of her actions. Yes, he seemed to do a lot of things selfishly with no regard of how that may affect others.

5. Projects her faults on to others. High blaming behaviour; never her fault. Erm, not really. No projecting per say but he struggle to take responsibility for himself. It was never his fault.

6. Little if any conscience. As worrying as it sounds, I'm unsure about. I want to say he had a conscience but sometimes...

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others. To an extent yes. He cared about my feelings and needs but they were not equal to his and there was a large segment of his friends and networks he clearly would drop like a stone if it were to his advantage.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others. He was very good in his career and definitely come off as a confident young man. It was a guise he would never let down, even in private with me however many people in my life picked up how he felt fake.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage. Not at all. All water off a ducks back... . I did wonder if maybe he just bottled it all up though.

10. People are to be manipulated for her needs. Generally I did not see this, no.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to her gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry. I did not see any evidence of this either so I cannot say.

12. Pathological lying. I have yet to see anything he said to me or others as a lie so I shall say no.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others. Hmm in a way. Generally no but he aimed to live his life via a very rigid plan and path which clearly depended heavily on the people around him doing exactly what he expected of them. Life does not work this way, I feel his inflexibility will get him in real trouble soon when someone diverts from 'his' plans.

14. No real values. Mostly situational. Once again, could not say. I'd generally say he had good and consistant values.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate. I don't think many people would label him specifically the caring or understanding type.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods. Nope

17. Uses sex to control I would say no but he had a real appetite for it. We very rarely were able to just cuddle in bed, he almost constantly wanted sex. At first great but then I almost found it a bit perverse.

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions. YES! He thought what he thought and what he felt was the same thing; did not understand how there could be a differentiation in that.

19. Conversation controller. In a way, I found I'd ask him how he was and he'd then talk for 20-30 mins about his day in great details... . then afterwards wouldn't even ask me how I was...

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment. Not really, he was pretty forgiving and didn't hold grudges.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities. Not that I knew of haha but guess that might be the point. I was never suspicious of this though

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt. Needs strong emotions to survive. Not at all, he liked a calm life.

23. Moody - switches from nice girl to anger without much provocation. Nope, I never saw his angry side tbh.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations. Not that I saw

25. Seldom expresses appreciation. To a degree, now I reflect I very rarely got a genuine thank you for kind gestures.

26. Grandiose. Convinced she knows more than others and is correct in all she does. Yep, he had a real bad habit of speaking with a particular patronising tone towards me and other people.

27. Lacks ability to see how she comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with her behaviour. Never her fault. Possibly. If I approach him about something he did that bothered me it was common for him to sulk and pout rather than be open for discussion. And he would NEVER say sorry.

28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow. I would see him get frustrated but no more than a usual person. I never saw him cry, apparently he hadn't since he was 7-8.

29. She breaks her man’s confidence to keep him dependent. Hmm yes in a way. He could be very critical of me, I was very submissive and subservient in the relationship and made to feel I was over stepping to line if I tried to speak up and move to a more equal footing.

30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to her. Nope

31. Sabotages partner. Wants him to be happy only through her and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances. Not at all, he was very encouraging to me meeting new people, succeeding in a new job and gaining new hobbies... . though just as things were starting to go well he left me so... .

32. Highly contradictory. Not really but I did find he talked a lot with little action to back it up

33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with her. Not really

34. Hides her real self. Always “on”  Yes, see earlier about personas

35. Kind only if she's getting from you what she wants. As I said, I'm not sure I'd call him kind specifically but it did not feel like he had ulterior motives.

36. She has to be right. She has to win. She has to look good. Yep, he always had to be right. Always had to win the argument, he must have seen apologizing as a failure.

37. She announces, not discusses. She tells, not asks. Mmm in a way I agree with this

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda. No I would not call it a hidden agenda. However when we broke up I was stunned when he said he'd been considering it for a good couple of months; I was very upset he did not even think to come talk to me earlier so we could see about a way of working things out. To him I had one chance/I should have just known.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on herself. Nope, he could be surprisingly cheap though when it came to spending on anyone but himself. Especially since he made a relatively decent income for his age and position.

40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas" He did not like hearing my side of things in an argument that's for sure, like I said, would just sulk and pout and almost switch off.

41. Always feels misunderstood. Not that I knew of.

42. Does not listen because she does not care. I think he switched off a lot when I or other people were talking. Loads of times I would tell him stuff and he'd forget it almost immediately. From general info about my life to whether I was seeing him on the weekend of not. Lots of times I would ask 'what time should I come Friday?' and he'd be all 'you're coming Friday?'... . yes we did talk about this. He usually would have made plans cos he hadn't listened in the first place :/

43. Her feelings are discussed, not the partners. To a degree, as I said though, he didn't seem to have feelings as far as he knew; he had thoughts.

44. Is not interested in problem-solving. Unable to solve problems because that would mean facing herself. Hmm yes and no. Generally he was a very rational and logical person but, as I said, when we broke up most of our problems were solvable, I just didn't realise they were affecting us so much because he never came forward to discuss it with me. It was very frustrating, it felt like he was throwing away our r/s for nothing; he couldn't be bothered to even try.

45. Very good at reading people, so she can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting. No, he didn't seem to be a people reader and he never gaslit me.

46. Jealous No

47. Double standards No


Am I over complicated this or does there seem to be a pattern?

[Springle]

Sorry, re-posting this with the answers in bold to make it easier to read. (I can't edit my original)

1. Self-centered. Her needs are paramount. Yes, he certainly thought they were more important than mine.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds. No, he would feel remorse the majority of the time at least.

3. Unreliable, undependable. To an extent, he would be late for things often but never flakey; and I'm not the most punctual either.

4. Does not care about the consequences of her actions. Yes, he seemed to do a lot of things selfishly with no regard of how that may affect others.

5. Projects her faults on to others. High blaming behaviour; never her fault. Erm, not really. No projecting per say but he struggle to take responsibility for himself. It was never his fault.

6. Little if any conscience. As worrying as it sounds, I'm unsure about. I want to say he had a conscience but sometimes..

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others. To an extent yes. He cared about my feelings and needs but they were not equal to his and there was a large segment of his friends and networks he clearly would drop like a stone if it were to his advantage.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others. He was very good in his career and definitely come off as a confident young man. It was a guise he would never let down, even in private with me however many people in my life picked up how he felt fake.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage. Not at all. All water off a ducks back... . I did wonder if maybe he just bottled it all up though.

10. People are to be manipulated for her needs. Generally I did not see this, no.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to her gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry. I did not see any evidence of this either so I cannot say.

12. Pathological lying. I have yet to see anything he said to me or others as a lie so I shall say no.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others. Hmm in a way. Generally no but he aimed to live his life via a very rigid plan and path which clearly depended heavily on the people around him doing exactly what he expected of them. Life does not work this way, I feel his inflexibility will get him in real trouble soon when someone diverts from 'his' plans.

14. No real values. Mostly situational. Once again, could not say. I'd generally say he had good and consistant values.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate. I don't think many people would label him specifically the caring or understanding type.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods. Nope

17. Uses sex to control I would say no but he had a real appetite for it. We very rarely were able to just cuddle in bed, he almost constantly wanted sex. At first great but then I almost found it a bit perverse.

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions. YES! He thought what he thought and what he felt was the same thing; did not understand how there could be a differentiation in that.

19. Conversation controller. In a way, I found I'd ask him how he was and he'd then talk for 20-30 mins about his day in great details... . then afterwards wouldn't even ask me how I was...

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment. Not really, he was pretty forgiving and didn't hold grudges.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities. Not that I knew of haha but guess that might be the point. I was never suspicious of this though

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt. Needs strong emotions to survive. Not at all, he liked a calm life.

23. Moody - switches from nice girl to anger without much provocation. Nope, I never saw his angry side tbh.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations. Not that I saw

25. Seldom expresses appreciation. To a degree, now I reflect I very rarely got a genuine thank you for kind gestures.

26. Grandiose. Convinced she knows more than others and is correct in all she does. Yep, he had a real bad habit of speaking with a particular patronising tone towards me and other people.

27. Lacks ability to see how she comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with her behaviour. Never her fault. Possibly. If I approach him about something he did that bothered me it was common for him to sulk and pout rather than be open for discussion. And he would NEVER say sorry.

28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow. I would see him get frustrated but no more than a usual person. I never saw him cry, apparently he hadn't since he was 7-8.

29. She breaks her man’s confidence to keep him dependent. Hmm yes in a way. He could be very critical of me, I was very submissive and subservient in the relationship and made to feel I was over stepping to line if I tried to speak up and move to a more equal footing.

30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to her. Nope

31. Sabotages partner. Wants him to be happy only through her and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances. Not at all, he was very encouraging to me meeting new people, succeeding in a new job and gaining new hobbies... . though just as things were starting to go well he left me so... .

32. Highly contradictory. Not really but I did find he talked a lot with little action to back it up

33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with her. Not really

34. Hides her real self. Always “on”  Yes, see earlier about personas

35. Kind only if she's getting from you what she wants. As I said, I'm not sure I'd call him kind specifically but it did not feel like he had ulterior motives.

36. She has to be right. She has to win. She has to look good. Yep, he always had to be right. Always had to win the argument, he must have seen apologizing as a failure.

37. She announces, not discusses. She tells, not asks. Mmm in a way I agree with this

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda. No I would not call it a hidden agenda. However when we broke up I was stunned when he said he'd been considering it for a good couple of months; I was very upset he did not even think to come talk to me earlier so we could see about a way of working things out. To him I had one chance/I should have just known.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on herself. Nope, he could be surprisingly cheap though when it came to spending on anyone but himself. Especially since he made a relatively decent income for his age and position.

40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas" He did not like hearing my side of things in an argument that's for sure, like I said, would just sulk and pout and almost switch off.

41. Always feels misunderstood. Not that I knew of.

42. Does not listen because she does not care. I think he switched off a lot when I or other people were talking. Loads of times I would tell him stuff and he'd forget it almost immediately. From general info about my life to whether I was seeing him on the weekend of not. Lots of times I would ask 'what time should I come Friday?' and he'd be all 'you're coming Friday?'... . yes we did talk about this. He usually would have made plans cos he hadn't listened in the first place :/

43. Her feelings are discussed, not the partners. To a degree, as I said though, he didn't seem to have feelings as far as he knew; he had thoughts.

44. Is not interested in problem-solving. Unable to solve problems because that would mean facing herself. Hmm yes and no. Generally he was a very rational and logical person but, as I said, when we broke up most of our problems were solvable, I just didn't realise they were affecting us so much because he never came forward to discuss it with me. It was very frustrating, it felt like he was throwing away our r/s for nothing; he couldn't be bothered to even try.

45. Very good at reading people, so she can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting. No, he didn't seem to be a people reader and he never gaslit me.

46. Jealous No

47. Double standards No

[Springle]

Anyone able to help me work through this?

(Feeling like a bit of a thread killer atm :S)

[Trent]

Hi Springle,

I'm not 100% certain of what kind of feedback you're looking for, so maybe you could clarify.  If your question is "was he a narcissist" as your title suggests, I can't for sure say that he isn't NPD, as there is a continuum, and often co-occurs with BPD.  You might also want to check out the criteria for NPD and compare his behavior with that which is listed:  www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

However, I can say for sure that he seems to be a lot less narcissistic than my ex-gf, who scores about a 80-90% on that NPD checklist.  Alternatively, it could be something else entirely, as it definitely sounds like he has some emotional issues.

Trent

[Narellan]

$hit my exBPD just checked 43/47 of those boxes. I haven't seen this checklist before.

I called him narcissistic once and he laughed. I think he definitely has both, more borderline though. Everything on BPD but self harm. It's quite alarming really. What the hell was I thinking?

[Springle]

Hi Springle,

I'm not 100% certain of what kind of feedback you're looking for, so maybe you could clarify.  If your question is "was he a narcissist" as your title suggests, I can't for sure say that he isn't NPD, as there is a continuum, and often co-occurs with BPD.  You might also want to check out the criteria for NPD and compare his behavior with that which is listed:  www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Hi Trent.

I thought the query was quite self explanatory with the title being a question but I suppose not :/. I'm just trying to figure out why he did the things he did (please note that my ex was NOT a pwBPD. I came to this site because I was treated poorly by a friend who was a pwBPD, she then went on to date my ex. My ex, however, I'm starting to wonder as to whether he may have had his own major issues), he was never malicious to me but he just did a lot of things that would upset me and seem so confused as to why when I and other people would find it so obvious; like he lived his life with blinkers on. I've been through a lot of info on NPD and it sort of matches up but not quite; I'm not sure what to make of it all.

Interestingly I posted this on another forum also and someone suggested I have a little read about asperger as sometimes it can come off looking like narcissism.

They gave me this great video -

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpKHDBj7Spo

^I saw a lot of him in the asperger symptoms but similarly a few did not match up. It's very interesting to me, he did seem to have a very peculiar upbringing and I'm sure if you asked him he'd say there was 'nothing wrong with him' but I beg to differ if I'm completely honest.

I blame myself a lot for the break up and if I could just make a bit more sense out of his actions I think I may be able to stop beating myself up about it and move on more effectively.

[jibber]

They gave me this great video -

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpKHDBj7Spo

I broke into tears about 5 minutes into the video... .

After this relationship i asked myself many times if i have narcicism. I read about it in regard to BPD and how the two would be a perfect match. I could see myself in a few of the criterias, but i think we all have narcistic traits in a healthy way. My close family all said i shouldn't think i'm a narcist, i would have so much empathy and compassion for other people. Honestly, i never thought i'm a cold person with zero empathy, but after hearing it so much in this relationship it kind of stuck to me.

However... . This video speaks volumes to me! I don't know if i want to cry or smile... .

I see myself so much in many things he talks about.

I don't have a problem to go outside and socially interact with people, but it's tiring for me. I was always the first to go home from family dinners, company dinners, friends... . I need SO MUCH alone time. I'm a very free and natural thinker, creative mind, interst for music, technical things, things where i can loose myself for hours, being in motion, in the nature... . I have trouble understanding "our system", i have trouble with business and industrial thinking, etc. I have trouble understanding the "struggle" some people create in their lives (because i don't understand what they are running from or after all the time). Not because i lack empathy, if i understand something i have so much empathy (too much often). I simply really don't understand many "school taught things", our system, conventional thinking, whatever you want to call it... . It's not a lack of empathy.

I don't like to be isolated, but i need a lot of peace and silence for myself like he says in the video. I left my own birthday party my mom organized for me in the garden... . I left 20 kids alone in the garden with drinks and cake... . After 15 minutes. I didn't understand the concept of a "set-up" get together with 20 kids of my town for my birthday. They found me in my room listening to music and drawing a picture. When i was asked why i was not at my party, i answered: "it was so boring... . ".

I didn't understand why it's not nice to leave my own party. I didn't like half those kids and it was tiring and boring to stand in the garden with them. For me it was natural to leave if i feel unconfortable... . But never would it have crossed my mind to hurt the other kids.

I guess i'm rambling, venting... . Trying to look into the mirror... .

I feel so tempted to send this video to my ex! I will not do it however... . I know it doesn't change her part of the relationship. Even if the complaints of the girlfriends he talks about in the video match many of the complaints my ex had about me (the ones i could understand, unlike the BPD things that made no sense in anybodies world but hers).

I feel so tempted to send it... .

But i know she would still not understand. I would just give her another excuse why it's all my fault and why i'm not normal. Plus i would have to actually create an email address to send it to her and in that way, open the door for her again, no thanks... . I secretly wish for her compassion, but i didn't feel a lot of that in the relationship. This video won't change anything.

Sorry for the long post. It feels good to let it out... .

It won't change a thing for her, but for me this video was like finding that one piece of sand you're looking for at the beach... . And a big eye opener as to where i should take a look at myself and my own issues. Like i said, this video speaks volumes to me about myself! Ufff... .

Thank you for posting.

[seeking balance]

Am I over complicated this or does there seem to be a pattern?

I don't know, I guess it all is based on the point of figuring out your friend.  Some of us need to find a label before we can work on our own issues that led us into the path.

I remember a senior member telling me one time - "SB, you lived it - do you really need a label for it to be unhealthy pattern"... . kinda hit me hard because it was true.

For arguments sake - let's say he does show many narc traits - what does that feel like for you?

Peace,

SB

[Springle]

Hi jibber, it's really fascinating isn't it?

I felt a lot better for watching too as I'm similar in that I'm quite an introverted person and quite like spending time in my own company, I have a feeling more people are like that than we realise. Saying that I still love to meet new people though and hang out in social situations but I have a limit and there will usually be a point where I feel I need to go away and recharge.

For arguments sake - let's say he does show many narc traits - what does that feel like for you?

Peace,

SB

I would suppose that that would at first make me sad that someone I loved so much could be that way, and possibly never acknowledge he has a problem and get help (this mostly makes me sad because obviously I want him to have a full and happy life and I don't see that happening if he continues how he is).

HOWEVER I think it would allow me to go a bit easier on myself in regards to the break up and be more open to thinking 'hey you know what, it wasn't all your fault so chill out'. Currently I blame about 85% of the break up on myself and my depression/how I dealt with it.

[jibber]

Yes it's fascinating indeed. I would not say i have aspergers... . I don't have ticks, i make a really good impression when i'm socializing, i can stand on my own two feet, i don't get anxious to go somewhere, etc. I think i'm still pretty far from the extremes he describes in the video. But like you, i am kind of introvert and yes, i need time to "recharge" often.

What felt so good watching the video, was hearing him say how these people can have amazing empathy, and are very capable of love. I know this about myself, but my ex told me so much it's not normal i want time alone (i went to EXTREMES for my own standards to be always with her, one day alone in two weeks was already not normal for her)... . I started questioning myself in the end... . And still did until today... .

How could i ever have a normal relationship? Maybe it was true what my ex said? Maybe i am not capable of love, because it's not normal you want to be away from the people you love sometimes? I started to see myself as so dark and hopeless... . It really hurt my self image.

And this video took away so much of these fears, hopeless feelings, and a lot of guilt.

I still worry about why i stayed so long in an abusive relationship, this too still needs a lot of work. Regardless, believe it or not, you lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders by posting this video.

As for you trying to find how much was your part. I think that's always so difficult to say. I definitely have a desire to find answers like this... . But some answers we can never find, and if we do, will the answer actually help?

I found a good way to think about it is when i settle at 50/50. A relationship only works if both people stay in it, may they be victim or abuser, or equal... . It took both of you.

I learned to simply accept we didn't work... . Bpd, npd, aspergers or whatever we want to call each other. It was two people that didn't work together.

Sorry for hijacking your thread a little. I'm very grateful about the video, thanks again!

[seeking balance]

HOWEVER I think it would allow me to go a bit easier on myself in regards to the break up and be more open to thinking 'hey you know what, it wasn't all your fault so chill out'. Currently I blame about 85% of the break up on myself and my depression/how I dealt with it.

What is true about the breakup being 85% your fault as it currently stands?  With or without a mental illness, how is 85% your fault?

[Springle]

HOWEVER I think it would allow me to go a bit easier on myself in regards to the break up and be more open to thinking 'hey you know what, it wasn't all your fault so chill out'. Currently I blame about 85% of the break up on myself and my depression/how I dealt with it.

What is true about the breakup being 85% your fault as it currently stands?  With or without a mental illness, how is 85% your fault?

I just felt like I dealt with my depression really badly.

It took me a long time to accept I was going down hill again and I would complain a lot without doing much in the way of action to help change things. I would be oddly paranoid and needy; I would really smother him and get irritable with him with things that probably didn't warrant it. Mostly I would have a pessimistic outlook and voice my negative outlook on his life and our future if we, say, didn't move to my country - in the end he assumed we had no future and I would be unhappy to move to his country and have a future with him. By me catastrophising and saying a lot of things I didn't mean I planted an idea in his head that we weren't going to work; I was really ungrateful and blind to what I had.

[seeking balance]

I just felt like I dealt with my depression really badly.

It took me a long time to accept I was going down hill again and I would complain a lot without doing much in the way of action to help change things. I would be oddly paranoid and needy; I would really smother him and get irritable with him with things that probably didn't warrant it. Mostly I would have a pessimistic outlook and voice my negative outlook on his life and our future if we, say, didn't move to my country - in the end he assumed we had no future and I would be unhappy to move to his country and have a future with him. By me catastrophising and saying a lot of things I didn't mean I planted an idea in his head that we weren't going to work; I was really ungrateful and blind to what I had.

Did you cope the best you were capable of doing in the moments you were living in?

Did he give you the support you desperately needed during your depression?

[Springle]

Did you cope the best you were capable of doing in the moments you were living in?

Did he give you the support you desperately needed during your depression?

Tbh I don't think I did cope the best I was capable of. I think I allowed it to overwhelm me a lot and put a lot of blame and pressure on others to carry me through. I must confess this changed dramatically once we had broken up, I really got my ___ together, and I can't lie it was to originally show him I was not a nutcase but slowly it became an improved way of life for me.

And honestly? No I didn't feel like he gave me all the support he could have. He didn't seem to understand it nor understand the gravitas of it and it's effect on my life. I feel he should have made more of an effort to talk to me about it/how I was feeling/how I was coping, made a bit more effort to ensure he had time for me, especially time for just the two of us without interruptions from his work or friends. He just didn't seem to understand, he'd never had depression so he said.

[seeking balance]

Tbh I don't think I did cope the best I was capable of. I think I allowed it to overwhelm me a lot and put a lot of blame and pressure on others to carry me through. I must confess this changed dramatically once we had broken up, I really got my ___ together, and I can't lie it was to originally show him I was not a nutcase but slowly it became an improved way of life for me.

And honestly? No I didn't feel like he gave me all the support he could have. He didn't seem to understand it nor understand the gravitas of it and it's effect on my life. I feel he should have made more of an effort to talk to me about it/how I was feeling/how I was coping, made a bit more effort to ensure he had time for me, especially time for just the two of us without interruptions from his work or friends. He just didn't seem to understand, he'd never had depression so he said.

From where I sit, sounds like it was 50/50 - and you owned your part and changed it.  In life, we do our best and we have to forgive ourselves if it doesn't aways look perfect... . Maybe it was him leaving that gave you the strength you needed to change... . sometimes people come into our lives for a reason and that reason might not look clear when we are in pain - but with some time, the reason tends to show itself.

Labeling him likely won't change the facts that hindsight sometimes looks a lot easier than in the moment - in the moment you and he did the best you might have been capable.

Forgive him and forgive you - let it go.

Peace,

SB