Hey folks. Hope you're all doing well. I haven't posted on here lately since I've been pretty stressed and had some heavy life events happen over the past 6 months. Here's my life in a nutshell over the last year: got married in May 2013, things were at there "best" in my relationship with my uBPD wife, started to try fertility treatments to get pregnant, got laid off in September from great job, wife tore through all of our (read: MY) life savings due to depression, I got sober in January and woke up to the crazy I've been living in for years, I found temporary odd jobs and got accepted into an electrician apprenticeship in February, I had to leave the apprenticeship in April due to health issues, and since then I have been underemployed. We only have about $1,500 in the bank. I'm scared ___less and my wife is acting like its no big deal. After all, "we can just go get food stamps like everyone else."
So I got a part-time job as a home health aid after getting a CNA certification and I'm back in school to work toward getting accepted in a nursing program. My wife is also working toward going into nursing as well, which I'm supportive of since I want her to have a steady career when I divorce her. I'm really scared about money and her ability to finish a nursing program but I feel like I don't have much else to rely on these days and am going on blind faith and persistence.
So my main point after all this is to say that I
know that I will file for divorce once we (I) finish school and have a little money saved up. In the mean time, though, I feel that I have to put on a mask of happiness in our marriage and be as supportive of my uBPD wife in order to help her future, as well as mine. It just feels so wrong and inauthentic. I'm not happy and don't want to be here faking everything for the sake of her well-being. I've done that for too many years. And it isn't fair to her either. I know that I could just tell her I want out and go forward with divorce. Its an option, this much I know to be true. But it isn't a very good option. I used to be so good at putting on a good face for others when I was drinking. Since getting sober though all I have found is that I desire to be as authentic as possible in all of my interactions. And my main relationship is inauthentic as it gets. I feel like a fraud but I just don't see any better alternatives. If money weren't an issue then I wouldn't even be having this internal struggle, but, it is very much so a major issue.
Other days I think I could die at any time in the next 3-5 years (while I stay) and what a load of regret I would die with. That frightens me. I have to get out of this relationship alive and with my sanity.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wr4SVUH1MbM
