Boundary: The Phone - Advice needed

[montanesa]

Hello!

I need some advice.

One of dBPDh's big triggers is that if he calls me and I'm teaching, I don't pick up. The problem is that if he's doing the same, he picks up the phone. So, he thinks that I must answer the phone in class like he does.

Now, I think what he's doing is wildly inappropriate. However, government employees' jobs are pretty rock solid and there's no real discipline. If I did the same, there would be major consequences. (And it's just not right!). I simply cannot answer the phone while working.

dBPDh and I arranged to meet up for lunch after work. He called at 1:46 and I didn't answer. He then proceeded to get really angry. I called him immediately after class finished and I got a lecture about he had an emergency (about lunch?) and that he couldn't depend on me he would have to turn to others. The problem here is that he took a real dig that I can't properly communicate in English. He said he'd have to "depender de otros y otras". (Otras - other women).

Now, I didn't even bite because I don't feel like arguing is going to get us anywhere. However, I am so sick of the darn phone. I have told him numerous times that I simply cannot answer the phone while in class. So, he's now saying that he will not call me anymore.

How on earth can I set the boundary with the phone? I am so sick of the "I can no longer depend on you. I am going to have to depend on others" argument.

This is one of the days, nay, weeks where I just want to throw in the towel.  :'(

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[InSearchofMe]

Oh, so frustrating!

I have gone through something similar with my BPDh.  I work from an office in our home.  If he needed to talk to me about something and I was on the phone (and therefore unavailable just that second) in his mind it meant he could not talk to me about anything, ever.  Although this is much better now, I had to go through a period of time where I had to work very hard to enforce the boundary that I cannot drop everything at work just because he wants to talk to me at just that moment.

As far as setting a boundary with the phone, remember that the boundary is about what you will or will not do.  Not what he will or will not do.

You have set (and continue to enforce) a boundary that you will not answer calls while you are teaching.  It sounds like now, you need to layer an additional boundary on top of it in regards to your return phone call after he calls when you are teaching.

That could look something like this:

He calls while you are teaching.  You enforce the boundary by not answering the call.  You return his call when you are done teaching.  He starts 'the lecture'.  You calmly inform him that he knows you will not answer the phone while you are teaching and that you will not participate in this unproductive conversation.  Then tell him you will call back in X minutes or at X time to make an attempt at a calmer conversation.  Repeat multiple times as needed.

One question I have for you.  Do you also have a boundary that you will not call him when you know he is teaching?  I know he can and does accept calls while he is teaching but it sounds like participating in that makes you very uncomfortable.

[an0ught]

Hi montanesa,

How on earth can I set the boundary with the phone? I am so sick of the "I can no longer depend on you. I am going to have to depend on others" argument.

Well, that is simple. You simply don't answer the phone when it would be inappropriate for you.

This is one of the days, nay, weeks where I just want to throw in the towel.  :'(

Just because it is simple it is not easy at all 

Now, I didn't even bite because I don't feel like arguing is going to get us anywhere. However, I am so sick of the darn phone. I have told him numerous times that I simply cannot answer the phone while in class. So, he's now saying that he will not call me anymore.

Don't argue that. He is just baiting you. He is free to call you anytime and you will answer when you are able to.

How on earth can I set the boundary with the phone? I am so sick of the "I can no longer depend on you. I am going to have to depend on others" argument.

This is less a question of boundary but how to keep going through a longer extinction burst. A bit of motivation: If you are consistent it is getting better and life becomes easier - if you back down it is getting worse and other boundaries become harder.

How do you deal with that:

1) boundary: don't get baited into argument. Short statement max as a reaction consistently delivered only once.

2) validation: he is frustrated. He does not get that you are behaving different. etc.

One question I have for you.  Do you also have a boundary that you will not call him when you know he is teaching?  I know he can and does accept calls while he is teaching but it sounds like participating in that makes you very uncomfortable.

Good point. Where possible we should be role models in our relationship.

[woodsposse]

 

I typically do not post on this board, but I thought I wanted to reply to this as I have had similar issues in the past with this type of thing.

Setting boundaries is a great thing.  Enforcing boundaries can be tricky and if the person your involved with likes to push past those boundaries... . things can sometimes get a little messy because they can tie into other issues and just make things bigger and bigger and bigger.

I can share that my SO use to call me at work all the time when she was getting anxious or sometimes a little dysregulated.  When it got to the point where I wouldn't or couldn't talk... . then, of course, this must have meant I wasn't there for her (when in fact, because I was at work... . working... . to support our family - it meant, fully in fact I was there for her... . ).

There isn't a simple answer except to say what you mean to say and stand by it.  You are never wrong for your boundaries - so try not to be too hard on yourself when someone is trying to push past them.

[montanesa]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very good point about calling him when he's in a lesson. The only time I have done so, I didn't realize he had class.

Thanks for the support guys. He just got home and was angry I had put the washing machine on (he "can't hear the tv". So, your responses have helped me a lot.