Why cant i believe

[antjs]

Why cant i believe that she is BPD.  All the stories here, replies to me and my therapist confirm that she has BPD. I have experienced sex on first date, claim of love in 3 days, moving in after a week, mood swings, Triangulation with ex bf, projection of being selfish and childish and i might get back to my ex, belittling comments, crazy making.

Her history is running away from her family and leaving her country and living on tourist visas between two countries after her divorce because her parents were "over protective". She is 29 and has 3 ex-fiances, 1 ex-husband, 5 ex-bfs and 2 abortions. She keeps all her exs in contact (except for me i cursed her and went NC). Her friends are not alot. Her career is not stable at all.  She did not even let her parents know that she is at home when she was obliged to get back to her home country to get a visa. She said she started to talk to her parents last new years eve and taking it slowly with her parents. During the relationship she even told me that her life is moserable and does not want me to be involved in that mess.

The dilemma is that it ended badly and she is the one who initiated nc and painted me black. There is no spund of life from her. She did not even try to contact me again and this is like a mind game for me cause i feel that if she is BPD she would have tried to contact me in fear of abandonment.

[LoveLove]

First, thank you for sharing. I know it's difficult. My bf has placed me through the same. Their love and affection/attention is incredibly INTENSE when you first meet them. And in my case, my bf has chosen to seek therapy... . however, due to his therapist's advice, we have had no contact for 3 weeks now.

Yes, from what I have read, they do fear abandonment, yet, they will come back on their own time when they feel they have pulled away enough. I've just learned that they disappear when they feel they have gotten too close, and that scares them.

Again, I know this is difficult... . most of us are in the same boat here. It's confusing, and we don't want to give up on our loved ones - because we don't exactly know what's going on in their minds. Yet, try not to give up hope. There are lessons on validating the person, what to do, and what not to do - that I think are worth reading. The more knowledge, the more power you'll have in knowing the best way to deal with your situation. I don't think they mean to hurt us, but because of their fight against their own minds, their fears, their low self-esteems - they unintentionally do in fact hurt the ones they love.

Is your gf still in therapy?

[arjay]

Why cant i believe that she is BPD. 

Maybe the question you may want to ask is "is this  the kind of relationship you would want with anybody, BPD or not?"

It seems you are hoping she will exhibit BPD symptoms to include coming back for a while and then sadly leaving again?  

What is it you are hoping for at this point, beside her simply coming back and saying "everything is fine" ?

Peace to you

[antjs]

First, thank you for sharing. I know it's difficult. My bf has placed me through the same. Their love and affection/attention is incredibly INTENSE when you first meet them. And in my case, my bf has chosen to seek therapy... . however, due to his therapist's advice, we have had no contact for 3 weeks now.

Yes, from what I have read, they do fear abandonment, yet, they will come back on their own time when they feel they have pulled away enough. I've just learned that they disappear when they feel they have gotten too close, and that scares them.

Again, I know this is difficult... . most of us are in the same boat here. It's confusing, and we don't want to give up on our loved ones - because we don't exactly know what's going on in their minds. Yet, try not to give up hope. There are lessons on validating the person, what to do, and what not to do - that I think are worth reading. The more knowledge, the more power you'll have in knowing the best way to deal with your situation. I don't think they mean to hurt us, but because of their fight against their own minds, their fears, their low self-esteems - they unintentionally do in fact hurt the ones they love.

Is your gf still in therapy?

First of all, i do not want to get back to her at all. The relationship is really over for 2 months now with NC. We had a lot of obstacles to be together apart from BpD (different religion,age and circumstances). I am leaving soon to live in another cpuntry an we knew this since the first date. All these things made me feel that this might be only a rebound relationship (she left her last ex one month before meeting me) or that happened because i was leaving soon. But still no that does not justify the emotional abuse that i have been through. She once told me that she sees a therapist. My therapist (after i left her i have never been to a therapiat before) told me that her therapiat would never tell her the diagnosis because she might not continue therapy. I told her during the break up to read more about BPD. My therapist said that she will never read it and will remain in denial.

I do not want to be with her. I just want to figure out what happened. I have been in therapy for long enough now an my therapist assured me that i am totally normal

[LoveLove]

Yes abuse of any kind is NOT okay. And you're very strong for walking away. As for telling them that they have BPD - that actually works counterproductive (as far as I've read). They do not want to be told that there is something wrong with them. They already feel unloved and not worthy to receive affection/attention. So further invalidating them makes the situation worse... .

You will not be able to force her to figure things out as far as what she is going through. She has to be WILLING to get the help that she needs... . hope this helps.

[antjs]

Why cant i believe that she is BPD. 

Maybe the question you may want to ask is "is this  the kind of relationship you would want with anybody, BPD or not?"

It seems you are hoping she will exhibit BPD symptoms to include coming back for a while and then sadly leaving again?  

What is it you are hoping for at this point, beside her simply coming back and saying "everything is fine" ?

Peace to you

Trust me i dont want her back. Anyway we r so different apart from BPD. I just want to make sure that she has BPD. I am really curious. I cant imagine a normal person would be like this. It is confusing cause sometimes she felt so integral. Confusing that she is not trying to keep me in the closet like all her exs (i dont want to wait in line just like them). Maybe because i was strong enough to confront her and i stood up for myself unlike her exs who i think are just waiting for a bone to be thrown at them that she gave up on trying to keep me around.

[arjay]

Trust me i dont want her back. Anyway we r so different apart from BPD. I just want to make sure that she has BPD. I am really curious.

Yes I was too and found out from my 'T' that she was BPD.

Given her behavior, at the very least she is not healthy and I commend you for challenging her and yourself about the behavior, something many of us ignored for a long time.

Have you reviewed the BPD criteria to at least see if any of those behaviors were similar to what you experienced?  Having said that, only a trained professional can provide a sound diagnosis, however it may give you some comfort to know that she exhibited traits that were clearly dysfunctional and unhealthy and likely indicative of a very troubled person; a person that will continue to have a very troubled life without serious help from a trained professional.

Peace to you

[antjs]

Trust me i dont want her back. Anyway we r so different apart from BPD. I just want to make sure that she has BPD. I am really curious.

Yes I was too and found out from my 'T' that she was BPD.

Given her behavior, at the very least she is not healthy and I commend you for challenging her and yourself about the behavior, something many of us ignored for a long time.

Have you reviewed the BPD criteria to at least see if any of those behaviors were similar to what you experienced?  Having said that, only a trained professional can provide a sound diagnosis, however it may give you some comfort to know that she exhibited traits that were clearly dysfunctional and unhealthy and likely indicative of a very troubled person; a person that will continue to have a very troubled life without serious help from a trained professional.

Peace to you

yes i stood up for myself early in the relationship. i tolerated only one week of crazy making with some arguments of course and then i left her. she lured me back next day with sex. from that moment i knew that love is not even in her dictionary. we ___ed with each other with games for a week and then we mutually broke up over text and thats when i confronted her with being sick and a liar and one day later i sent her articles about BPD.


as for the criteria, after totally ending things with her i started seeing a therapist. I told him my story in details without mentioning anything about me searching about BPD. After i was done with my story he said "first of all i dont want you to blame yourself for anything. your ex gf has a personality disorder. It is called borderline personality disorder." I started laughing and crying at the same type and he was curious to my reaction. I told him i was suspecting and reading about this disorder. I still did not believe him 100 %. the next session i told him with no offense i can not help but do not believe you not that i am offending you professional wise but i just can not believe it. He got out a book and he checked with my the criteria. She had 7 out 9 traits. 1 was not present and the last one he informed that he should ask her personally to know and there is no way to know except through her. I should be contempt with the SEVEN traits. this should be enough to convince me.


Maybe subconsciously i can not process the fact that she is disordered and i was with her. I really do not know. The good news is my therapist (after many sessions) told me that he can not see anything abnormal with me and any future session is optional. He said "your problem is that you are underestimating the amount of trauma you have been through. she is a borderline. dealing with a borderline is much worse than dealing with a psycho. at least you know that he is a psycho not switching between sane and insane the next moment. You were strong enough to walk away and about chasing her for sometime thats normal cause you still had feelings but deep inside that she is not good for you. Your confidence will be back by time do not worry."

[Infared]

When mine ran off with person she was cheating on me with it was abrupt and beyond just painful. Major abandonment stuff for me... . but

I went and got help. I embraced me and my part in it all.

She ran, told lie after lie after lie and was in total denial. It was ALL. My fault.

Years go by and she and her guy, together or alone act like total kook balls. She is one psychotic if I see her with him, and a completely different psycho if she is alone. Crazy.

I had always wanted a sit-down and honest conversation about what had happened... . to kind of sort it out and make peace... . but a BPD apparently is not capable of the kind of self-introspection. It is like expecting adult behavior from a 3-year old.

Once I really owned this, I could start letting it go. The only closure I could get was whatever I made on my own. Sad, considering all we had shared together... . but to think that anything else was going to take place would be a complete fantasy on my part... .

I just had to have absolutely no contact, no expectations and move on with my life.

If I ever see either one of them I just move away as quickly as possible, BEFORE the antics start. That is not the way I would like it, but it is how it is, so all I can do is take care of me.

[Emelie Emelie]

I don't know that they always come back.  Sometimes they just get hooked into the next relationship and that's that.  My exBF has a lot of exGFs.  Their fear of abandonment is often what drives them to leave.