Discarding objects from their past?

[Arminius]

Here is a question that may seem odd... .

Does anyone have experience of a pwBPD discarding objects from their past?

When I met my uBPDxgf she had normal possessions etc for someone who had never owned or even rented their own place. So just personal stuff, no furniture etc

Within not long of us living together, her iPod suddenly stopped working and she threw it away with no attempt to reboot or repair and a lovely silver ring she had mysteriously disappeared and she didn't seem bothered or even interested in looking for it.

Both things struck me as odd, even way back then, way before I suspected she had issues.

[Dutched]

I think it just depends on a person and can be applied to anyone, not specifically BPD.

There are stories on this board in which it seems that some BPD keeps a box with old memorabilia of exes.

Exw  saved in a box some pottery which she bought with earnings from her 1st summer job. Well, I can understand holding onto that as a memory.

I have a cousin who only wants “the latest” model, regardless if the “old” one is still ok, so with some extra payment he reaches his goal. He finds it comforting.

We all know people that discard furniture after only a few years as they suddenly find them “became boring”.

Why do shops flourish?  Why is there 4x a year a new collection of fashion?

[Arminius]

Yes, I understand that collecting can be a 'normal' behaviour.

I'm thinking about the BPD mindset and how they shed people and I'm wondering about shedding objects.

In my case, she 'lost' or discarded this unique and apparently much-loved silver ring, yet showed no sadness, made no effort to find it etc

[Red Sky]

Dutched: sorry to disillusion you, dude, but high street fashion now operates on 30 cycles a year, not 4. 

On a serious note, I do wonder. Do you think it could be that she was painting someone black and not being vocal about it? Plenty of people would recommend getting rid of memorabilia to do with an ex though I doubt that for most people that would actually include valuable items as opposed to just photos and stuff.

[Arminius]

Red sky, I really don't know. But the fact that the ring thing flagged up to me back then, and that I still think of it now, makes me think it was significant.

I'm learning to trust my instincts. So many small things about her and the relationship, that I was aware of but 'wrote off' as insignificant, now seem to have substance.

[myself]

So many small things about her and the relationship, that I was aware of but 'wrote off' as insignificant, now seem to have substance.

This is because they were more significant. At the time. Then again, some of it also probably didn't mean very much, or was personal to her/didn't apply to you, was just a game, etc.

Letting Go often means letting go of the bigger things first. Sleeping together, living together, being together. Being abused, being a trigger. Promises and dreams. Letting go while our hearts aren't fully into it often finds us hanging onto whatever we still can. The smaller details, the 'insignificant'. It's a way for us to look at the past with a magnifying glass instead of seeing Now with our own eyes.

I'm learning to accept that some of this I'll just never understand or know.

[Arminius]

Myself, that's quite a thought provoking post. What is your relationship with BPD, if I may ask?

[Dutched]

Listen Arminius,

Way back, mid 80, my father died. I kept his watch, just a normal plain watch, but of great emotional value for me. Many years I kept it, until a day I realized what item really was important for him, where he told me so much about, that his eyes twinkled  So that piece is now having a place in my living room. The watch?  :)isposed it, no second thoughts about it.

As myself writes:

Letting Go often means letting go of the bigger things first. Sleeping together, living together, being together. Being abused, being a trigger. Promises and dreams. Letting go while our hearts aren't fully into it often finds us hanging onto whatever we still can. The smaller details, the 'insignificant'. It's a way for us to look at the past with a magnifying glass instead of seeing Now with our own eyes.

Dutched: sorry to disillusion you, dude, but high street fashion now operates on 30 cycles a year, not 4.  

Arrrrggghhh  then I guess I am old-fashioned…   must be my age…

[fortunes_fool]

My ex (BPD) had gotten rid of most of her possessions when I met her. It was always staggering to me that she had so few things from her past; she hardly even had childhood photos. That said, she had kept everything from her son who had died a couple years before we met, including the onesie he died in. She refused to let go of these items no matter what, but was quick to part with even useful things from her past.

A couple years into our relationship, she let the payments lapse on a storage unit we shared. My name wasn't on the unit despite my belongings being in it, so the owners of the storage facility wouldn't talk to me about the delinquent bills; it went on so long that they auctioned it off without our knowledge. I lost completely irreplaceable belongings from my past. My ex's reaction? "It's just stuff." Strangely, this was almost identical to her reaction when, months later, our dog was poisoned and needed to be taken to the vet. I will never understand that attitude.

[Arminius]

My uBPDxgf has little emotion toward pets that she owned. She would appear to love them unreservedly but could also give them away without a second thought.

She explained this to me once by saying her mother had euthanased several family pets one day because one of them had damaged property and she didn't know which one! Hence my uBPDxgf 'learned' to accept that pets she loved were disposable.

As I write this I'm struck by the apparent significance and I wonder why it hasn't occurred to me before... . assuming it's true and not more sympathy-seeking.

[kba1969]

I wish my X would discard things I gave her!  Instead, after a recycle and friended on Facebook again I noticed a picture of her wearing a pendant/necklace that was a very meaningful gift from me as she was standing with one of her many "Replacements".  Another gift I gave her went missing, when I asked her about it she blamed her mother for taking it!  I think she gave it to someone else, it was a contemporary art glass universe marble which also was a meaningful gift from me.  These were both some of the first gifts from me for her birthday in which I kissed her for the first time.  On the other hand, I gave her back everything she ever gave me and have erased all photos.  I regret the photos but their all imprinted in my memory anyway!  I think we all have done this Dissorder or not.

[Infared]

Dutched... . when I met my pwBPDex she lived in an apt with pretty ratty belongings... . I did not think much of it because she did not make much money and seemed like a decent person.  When we decide to move in together (we lived together for 5 yrs.)... . she brought nothing but her own belongings... clothes, etc. and we stored a lot of boxes of things her Mom had bought her and such in the attic that was redundant to things that I owned.  I did ALL of the decorating, furniture purchasing... . she came along but basically had no opinion. She was respectfully included at all times by me and helped pay for some things etc... . but the show always ended up in my lap and I just took the responsibility and and just felt grateful that she trusted and respected me to put our home together... . I was just excited for us to live together and loved contributing.

So in the end of the relationship (she cheating, me trusting and not knowing)... she moves out,abruptly... a week before Christmas ... says that there is no one lies to EVERYONE... her Mom, her Dad, her best friend and basically takes NOTHING with her except her immediate belongings even leaves gifts I had bought her ... . Only request is to take our Sony Play Station? (I guess the new guy was into that). She leaves all of her stuff in the attic... . and I tell her that I am going to put it all in the garage and she needs to come and get it... . that it is not fair for her to stick me with her belongings... . NOW ... . she just  moved into a new apt... . she needed EVERYTHING... . the pots & pans, utensils ... . these boxes were full of this stuff... . she came by (me not there... it was just too painful for me)... . and she put EVERYTHING on the curb. All of it! Didn't take a thing?

Now get this... . 6or7 months later I visit her apt.(invited but just a horrible emotional situation for me... . just SUPER painful)... . and it looks like "I" decorated it... . she is all smug and sees the look on my face as I am looking around ... . and she says "yeah, cool isn,t it... . I call the style blank blank (my first and last name) without the edge".  I can't tell you how painful that was... . and she was just loving every minute of it... . it was why she invited me there... . like to show me.  Really psycho.

[myself]

What is your relationship with BPD, if I may ask?

I was badly burned, by someone who I believe suffers from it, but am surviving. Some of this was self-inflicted. I saw how she was also burning, and I thought being closer would somehow help reduce the flames for both of us. That the love we shared would smother further burning. It just intensified what was already going on. The smoke from those attempts almost took me out, let alone the heat. Many of us here feel we've been discarded, true? If you're someone who can discard another human being, objects and mementos would seem to have less meaning in the bigger picture.

[Changingman]

My uBPDxgf has little emotion toward pets that she owned. She would appear to love them unreservedly but could also give them away without a second thought.

She explained this to me once by saying her mother had euthanased several family pets one day because one of them had damaged property and she didn't know which one! Hence my uBPDxgf 'learned' to accept that pets she loved were disposable.

As I write this I'm struck by the apparent significance and I wonder why it hasn't occurred to me before... . assuming it's true and not more sympathy-seeking.

I really feel this whole post, my thinking now is that her mother could kill her 'Pets'. 'Pets'? What were their names, did they get killed by someone they loved? If 'they' damaged something 'they' became what? Could it be she did not know or have the ability to know which 'one' did the damage? Was there any meaningful conection ?

This is the mother, did she have something missing inside her? Is her daughter missing the same? Did this event change her or was she like her mother?

I have found the question

'Who am I'

to be profound to me now, I look at myself, my behaviours, what and how I love, how I perceive others, my ethics, how I judge.

I feel like my RS, dissected me, fragmented me. But I'm finding deep down someone I can love, who I have respect for.

I am learning to trust my instincts

I am learning to trust myself

I am learning to feel


This is not easy, painful at times, raw, very raw. Honest

[Dutched]

Hi infrared,

As what I understand you describe BPDs behaviour in a “slightly” different situation.

Most of us, as you and I were suddenly and painful dumped in a blink of an eye, however in a for a BPD very threatening an hopeless situation leaving them with 1 option only. The primitive instinct of survival, so flee, run like h*ll.

When we agree that a BPD lacks a sense of self, has the emotional brain of a 4 yr. old, in which the core is only half developed, than we can make some sense of their behaviour.

The most important thing for a young child is warmth, love and their safe surrounding (home/room and toys).

As you describe it is normal when one decides to build a future you take belongings with you and join them. Creating a warm and safe surrounding. That we all do, a BPD too. At that point it IS a BPDs intention, better commitment, to create a mutual future.

At the moment they discard you, the safe surrounding is gone. Memories of the evil one (we) must be repressed in order to survive. Belongings are a part of that.

The half self of the BPD needs to create a second half (replacement for example) in order to feel 1 again. As far as I understand your ex didn’t have a mirror (replacement/soother), so she created one herself. Falling back into the last mirror she had… however with new furniture (the old is a painful memory).

I can imagine the pain you felt, really have been there too. 

My case with belongings can be compared. A 30+ yrs of mutual history in a once comforting surrounding.

She left “temporarily” to get some rest… so only some practical items were needed as she rented a small apartment incl. furniture. At the moment of dividing all belongings, basically ex choice was some dumb practical items and items in my family for a 3-4 generations (to hurt me…), she didn’t got 1 piece.

She desperately wanted all photo albums. I refused with a very painful argument: “30+ yrs. of history will only hurt you as it reminds you what you dumped in a blink of an eye… as you still carry that heavy burden of dumping your parents when you were 18”.

We all consider it normal mature behaviour to offer/remind one of items left behind. So I offered her to collect those emotional and inherited items which she was “forgotten” to mention. No answer received. So I asked my S19 if he wants it for later as a reminder (his family too). Negative. So I smashed all and mailed those photos… Yes, to hurt her. I am sorry for that? No.

Although I try so see it in perspective, I still feel the pain, keep feeling it as my 2 kids face life long emotional consequences as described by authority Judith S. Wallerstein.   

[BorisAcusio]

My uBPDxgf has little emotion toward pets that she owned. She would appear to love them unreservedly but could also give them away without a second thought.

She explained this to me once by saying her mother had euthanased several family pets one day because one of them had damaged property and she didn't know which one! Hence my uBPDxgf 'learned' to accept that pets she loved were disposable.

As I write this I'm struck by the apparent significance and I wonder why it hasn't occurred to me before... . assuming it's true and not more sympathy-seeking.

Interesting topic and I think it wasn't discussed lately. We had a conversation once with my ex regarding her cat, stated that she would have euthanased it if the veterinarian costs were too high. Well, most of us would do the same, but something was off about how she put it so I asked her, how much is too much? 150 dollars. I think neither of us on this board would put down our companion for mere hundred bucks. Later, she just gave away our puppy dog because there was too much hassle with it, demanding me to pay for what she lost feeding it.

It was a glance into how they perceive and treat others.

[Arminius]

I did ALL of the decorating, furniture purchasing... . she came along but basically had no opinion. She was respectfully included at all times by me and helped pay for some things etc... . but the show always ended up in my lap and I just took the responsibility and and just felt grateful that she trusted and respected me to put our home together... . I was just excited for us to live together and loved contributing.

This is EXACTLY what happened in my situation. We started from scratch, she left her 'spare room ' in her same-sex exes house, I left my marital home.

We set up home and I got to choose it all. She had no sense of what she wanted. Anything I liked was good. She insisted on paying more than her share, 'as you have left SO much to be with me' but she didn't have a single opinion of styles, colours, etc etc

[imsodizzy]

Mine kept homework from highschool a stuffed animal a journal and when we split she kept 2 pictures of us that she has up right now she had a hard time letting go from things in the past old pictures she drew in middle school she always seemed to live in the past not in the here and now

[Infared]

Dutched...

I may not have been clear... . my pwBPD ran off to another she was involved with ... . i.e. " new hero"... . me "villain"... . but I knew none of that (knew nothing about BPD either)... . all I knew/saw was the abrupt distant detachment and change in the person I had known.

After I knew what was going on (I had been extremely hopeful about working things out until that point) with the deception (not BPD) I sent back to her an irreplaceable Polaroid of her as a child and a nice photo of her that I had of her on my desk in my home office.

The response was childlike wonder... . "why don't you want to keep the photos of me?"... . and had she just totally abandoned me a week before Christmas and is bedded down with another man?... . I cannot put into words how bewildering it all was as I did not ever think of her as mentally ill. The pain almost killed me. I cannot put it into words.

[Arminius]

Infrared, mine took the hard drive and laptop with all our pictures on, several year's worth to holidays etc.

she edited them, decided what I should keep, and returned the hard drive!

I have never opened it and one day I'll take it to be wiped.

They seem to have no sense of compassion, no since of hurt. They cut ties and expect everyone to be fine about it.

I can wish her no well.

[Infared]

Infrared, mine took the hard drive and laptop with all our pictures on, several year's worth to holidays etc.

she edited them, decided what I should keep, and returned the hard drive!

I have never opened it and one day I'll take it to be wiped.

They seem to have no sense of compassion, no since of hurt. They cut ties and expect everyone to be fine about it.

I can wish her no well.

Yes... yes... . they lie, and manipulate and put everything the way they (self-centeredley) design it and just think everyone should just accept it with no pain or hard feelings. Your story about the harddrive illustrates the lengths to the need for control that the have to have... . in some areas. Whatever they focus on... . but other things are completely untouched... .

Gig bless 'em. I would not want to have to live with all of that drama and turmoile.

[Ihope2]

I read somewhere that people with BPD of the ":)iscouraged Subtype" (as per Theodor Millon's classification) tend to discard and give away their possessions often.  I definitely noticed this with my almost ex BPDh.  He was basically homeless when I met him, but he has a way of appealing to people for charity and he had a Blackberry phone that someone had given him second hand, plus a new pair of running shoes.  After we were married and he had moved in with me, he started talking badly about those people who had helped him, and he suddenly "lost" his BB and shortly thereafter, he gave the running shoes away.

I am a thrifty type of person, I look after my stuff and I try not to live unsustainably.  It bothered me that he suddenly lost his phone and gave his shoes away, as I then felt pressure to replace them for him. He didn't have a job and had no money of his own.

Throughout our almost 1 year fraught and troubled marriage, I found myself buying clothing and things for him, and just as quickly, after he had had some sort of personal drama and crisis and blamed me for something or other and split me black, he would disappear and give a lot of his things away.  Or sell them, for all I know.  It would bother me immensely, because I felt like a hamster in a cage, running around and around on the wheel, endlessly having to replace clothing and stuff for him, while he just as quickly would give it away.

It sounds crazy now, and I sound really pathetic for not putting my foot down about it with him, but it never seemed the right time to address anything with him, as he was in a constant state of drama, panic and crisis.

I am ashamed to say that in the time we lived together, I bought him three new mobile phones!  And I lost track of how many pairs of jeans and shoes I bought. 

I think discarding their stuff has a symbolic meaning for them, they hate themselves and their lives, so it is almost as though they are constantly trying to "shed their skin" and transform themselves into something else.  But of course, it never works, they always end up hating themselves and their circumstances and those around them, and so the pattern continues.

[Arminius]

Skin shedding. Very good term.

When I met her, she had brown hair, dyed brown to as close her natural colour as possible. Se old me she'd been blonde before and had decided to get 'back to my colour'

Within no time of us being together, she's was blonde again... . Stayed blonde the whole seven year until near the end when she started growing it out and going 'back to my own colour' ... .

Hindsight, how didn't I see that? Easy. They are masters of cloak and dagger