How many of you encountered the...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just curious how many of you on here encountered the following with your ex BPD partners:

-Chronic pains and illness

-Lack of empathy

-Depression (to the point that they said their life feels like purgatory)

-Loved drama

-accusations

-abuse of controlled substances

-bulimia

-feeling of entitlement

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder

-compulsive shopper

-drove like a formula 1 racer

-had no desire of being a responsible adult

-Everything is somebody else's fault

[confused alot]

Just curious how many of you on here encountered the following with your ex BPD partners:

-Chronic pains and illness

-Lack of empathy

-Depression (to the point that they said their life feels like purgatory)

-Loved drama

-accusations

-abuse of controlled substances

-bulimia

-feeling of entitlement

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder

-compulsive shopper

-drove like a formula 1 racer

-had no desire of being a responsible adult

-Everything is somebody else's fault

[Banshee]

  I have!

Always had something wrong with him, loved to be taken care of .His head hurts , his sinuses are hurting,stomach hurts...   his butt hurts (yes really) 

Depression ! Check

-abuse of controlled substances Check

feeling of entitlement check

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder  check> LAZY Blamed it on his Depression!

Everything is somebody else's fault Check!

[Blimblam]

The BPD I refer to only had:

-chronic illness

-abuse of controlled substance (marijuana)

-compulsive shopping

She was a BPD waif though.  I think the BPD waif differs a lot from the other BPD types, so much so it is likely to go unnoticed. 

[paul16]

I can check every box except bullimia. Replace it with anorexia or just the desire to use most of the caloric intake on booze and we'd be batting 1.000.

[maternal]

I'm sure we've all encountered at least some of these things in our ex on some level.  Nothing is ever their fault and empathy does not exist in their worlds.

My ex had already been through NA a few years before I met him, so the substance abuse was there.  He had turned back to cigarettes at the outset of our final, and longest, recycle and while he'd been completely clean and sober for the years since NA, he was drinking again at some point during our relationship.

He was a really whiny hypochondriac and has absolutely no tolerance for any kind of pain at all.  Every sore throat was Strep, and all those tiny little cuts that happen during daily life were just so excruciating. He'd hurt his back while serving in the Marines and would spasm at the slightest touch... . anywhere on his back.  I could never figure out if this was some exaggeration on his part, because it was relatively random.  Some times I could touch his back with no problem at all, and other times I couldn't even get close to it.

He would constantly test me to get some dramatic reaction from me.  He had so much drama with his ex-wife, and I could tell that he wanted me to respond in the same ways that she did.  I wouldn't do that, I was more concerned with calming him down than amping him up.  Every little thing was the absolute end of the world. 

And plenty others from the list.  I can't help but feel horrible for what life must be like for him.  What used to be empathy has strongly become pity.  He is just so lost and refuses to really try and find himself.  So sad... .

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Just curious how many of you on here encountered the following with your ex BPD partners:

-Chronic pains and illness

-Lack of empathy

-Depression (to the point that they said their life feels like purgatory)

-Loved drama

-accusations

-abuse of controlled substances

-bulimia

-feeling of entitlement

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder

-compulsive shopper

-drove like a formula 1 racer

-had no desire of being a responsible adult

-Everything is somebody else's fault

Every single point you stated . It's just amazing how they seem to match the traits.  I do sometimes wonder if she was BPD or not . But everytime I come here and read stuff like this I More convinced of her being BPD. There were times a saw her childlike behavior . I did wonder if I was too old for her ( xI was 12 years older than her ) . I'm still puzzled how quickly 2 years went by with her. There was always some drama happening at any given time .

[Red Sky]

My ex BPD partner displayed very few actually! She fits the waif profile so I guess that's why... . But the only thing that strikes me is that once she started drinking, she couldn't stop until she was basically incapable of holding a glass. I guess I only knew her when she WAS in treatment, but she had every desire of being a responsible adult in a calm, loving relationship and was kind of the opposite - sensitive to and grateful for everything.

My NPD ex? He fits these perfectly. He had a long term stomach condition yet every test under the sun confirmed that there was nothing wrong with him. It gave him a lot of excuses to avoid doing what I wanted. (He also once made me nurse him through the flu then ignored me after I caught it.) No empathy, loads of drama, random accusations, entitlement, stunningly lazy and blamed others for everything. Didn't drive like an F1 driver because he never bothered to learn, got other people to drive him wherever he needed.

[Ihope2]

-Chronic pains and illness - oh yes, all the time.  One health crisis after the next in the short 11 months of our marriage.  Sinus, allergies, asthma, flu many times,  headaches, liver and kidney pains (!), epileptic fits (conversion disorder?), insomnia, a broken toe, constipation chronically, chest infections, fatigue, nausea, lack of appetite, general malaise, peripheral neuropathy, opioid deficiency... .

-Lack of empathy - my health also started suffering, I would get headaches, night sweats (nervous tension), and I lost a lot of weight.  He never noticed or commented on this. I could have been on my last legs, and he would not even have noticed.

-Depression (to the point that they said their life feels like purgatory) - a big yes here, he was very suicidal a lot of the time. Lots of SI. He was in a psychiatric hospital three times during the 11 months of our life together.  He was diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder and medicated accordingly.  I beg to differ with that diagnosis, as the meds did not seem to make one iota of difference to his "mood swings".

-Loved drama - he is a drama-addict for sure.  I think chaos made him feel that he was alive.  He was numb to "ordinary life".  His life always had some manufactured crisis in it and I got dragged along.

-accusations - yes, of not loving him enough, of me thinking that he is stupid and worthless.  That I am disappointed in him not being my "dream man".  That I lied to him regularly, that I hated him.

-abuse of controlled substances - yes, sleeping tablets and heavy tranquilisers prescribed to him by his psychiatrist. But he would finish a month's supply in 1 - 2 weeks and then get terribly anxious and panicky until he could get the next supply.  He also over-used his daily prescribed dosage of suboxone.  He would doctor-hop, and get two doctors to write out prescriptions for him, so in effect he would also use two months' supply over one month.

-bulimia - not that I knew of, but definitely he had very poor eating habits. He claimed to be vegetarian, but did not try to eat accordingly. Sometimes he would eat meat and then feel bad about it.  He binge ate.  He would eat incredible amounts of junk food, notably chocolate.  He seemed addicted to sugar. He would heap teaspoons of sugar into his coffee or on his yoghurt or cereal. He loved cream and icecream.  He would drink about half a mug of cream in his coffee.  This binge eating of sugary, fatty foods made him pick up weight very rapidly, and then he would go for days without eating to try and lose it again!

-feeling of entitlement - he totally had this.  And I was the one who was supposed to give him everything he felt entitled to. He was even talking about being able to go on a cruise on a ship, or an expensive luxury train trip, or a trip overseas, as he had never done any of these things and fantasized about them!  And he did not work, nor have any money to his name!  I was expected somehow to conjure up more money than my average monthly income as a person with a 9-5 job in an organisation!

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder - he claimed to try to be helpful around the home, cleaning the house, doing garden work, BUT.  He was so erratic about it. And on days when he was "unwell" and unable to get out of bed, well, then that was that. I would just have to come home to a dirty house.

-compulsive shopper - he loved to spend my money.  He would want to do the grocery shopping, but would end up not buying the stuff on the list of required items, and would instead buy luxury goods, like lots of chocolate and fizzy cola softdrinks.  And frozen pizzas and icecream. 

-drove like a formula 1 racer - no, this is one area where he was very responsible.  He drove my car responsibly, sticking to speed limits on the highways.  As far as I could tell, when I drove with him in the vehicle.

-had no desire of being a responsible adult -yes, it was as though I was the parent and he the little child.  The age gap between us is only that I am 8 years older than him (he is 36, I am 44), but he seemed to view me as the "older woman".  I was supposed to be his mother-wife-caretaker-financial provider- love object all rolled in one. He also expected me to know all the answers to "life" and be a sort of mentor and life-coach to him.  I was supposed to help him find activities to keep him busy throughout the day, I was supposed to provide funding for his self-styled "anti-drug charity endurance walks" where he wanted to go off for weeks at a time to walk around from city to city, giving motivational talks about the dangers of drug addiction. But all the while, he expected me to book him into high-end guesthouses and provide spending money for him!

-Everything is somebody else's fault - YES, he did not know how to take responsibility for anything.

[mywifecrazy]

Just curious how many of you on here encountered the following with your ex BPD partners:

-Chronic pains and illness

My uBPDxw was in hospital a couple of times and the Drs never could find anything wrong with her. Scary now as I look back I think she was SICK FOR ATTENTION. She also would CONSTANTLY have Migraine headaches. I actually caught her faking these headaches to miss family functions so she could have affair... Sick! She would actually go into bathroom and put her finger down her throat to have me believe she was nauseous ... . What the heck! I would go out of my way to take care of her when she was sick but heaven forbid if I was sick... . I WAS ON MY OWN!

-Lack of empathy

Oh yeah... . Once as I was grieving loss of my father only days after he suddenly passed away she had the NERVE to say to me "You're no fun anymore"... . No Fu**ing empathy for me or how horrible I felt. All she could feel was that she was BORED and her personal Circus Clown (me) was no longer doing his job and keeping her entertained.

-accusations

Yes I was falsely accused of raping her, beating on her, beating on my kids all to make her look like a victim so some other FOOL (just like I was) would rescue her. I was also accused of being an ogre, controlling, a slave driver that made her scrub the kitchen floor on her knees, etc, etc

-abuse of controlled substances

-bulimia

Addicted to cigarettes, hid her pot smoking,

I'm not sure about bulimia but she has gone through periods of rapid weight loss and I can't explain how she did it. I did notice that she wouldn't eat much at least around me

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder

-had no desire of being a responsible adult

Yes she was a mess and very lazy. Oh she would on the surface look like she cleaned (just like hiding her personality in real life) but if you looked below the surface she was lazy and a slob. every closet in the house was bursting with all the junk she threw in them. Many places in our house had INCHES of dust as she only dusted the Liv Room (again just what others would see). The kids rooms were filthy. She never went upstairs to vacuum or dust. Upstairs Bathroom was disgusting. I think part of her leaving and abandoning kids to me was running away from being a Mother and a responsible adult. FYI She didn't work full time and I did a lot of work while also working full time like cleaning, cooking, dishes, etc. now that I'm raising my kids BY MYSELF and working full,time my house is cleaner and more organized than it EVER was... . GO FIGURE!

-drove like a formula 1 racer

Oh my God YES! This shocked me when I first read as a BPD trait. My uBPDxw is the WORST driver in history. She drives like an ASS. Her driving record: Wrecked my pickup truck, Totaled my Moms car on a trip to OBX (My 9 yr old still has scar on head), she was in several accidents with our family car (about 5), She just totaled her mini SUV last month. Funny thing is that she thinks she's a good driver because she drives fast (Jack Ass). On a side not she ended up running around with this fat married cop that reported one of her accidents.

-Everything is somebody else's fault

Goes without saying!

[christoff522]

those tiny little cuts that happen during daily life were just so excruciating.

She used to bite through her nails you know, the skin at the side until they really bled. one day she sent me a pic of her finger with blood on it and kept texting me "fix it chrissy", "make the pain go away"

anyway, 4 days later she ditched me.

[mywifecrazy]

those tiny little cuts that happen during daily life were just so excruciating.

She used to bite through her nails you know, the skin at the side until they really bled. one day she sent me a pic of her finger with blood on it and kept texting me "fix it chrissy", "make the pain go away"

anyway, 4 days later she ditched me.

My uBPDxw used to chew on her fingernails too. ALL THE TIME! It was annoying. So weird some of these traits!

[DontPanic]

Hospital shopping  (for substances)

Chewing Nails

Rages

victimization

Cutting (including one so bad it became gravely infected)

On and on and on...

[JackBlacknBlue]

-Chronic pains and illness - continuous stream of strange pains and illnesses that would mysteriously come and go

-Lack of empathy - yes!

-Depression (to the point that they said their life feels like purgatory) - didn't see depression

-Loved drama - absolutely

-accusations  - almost everyday against someone

-abuse of controlled substances - yes, pills

-bulimia - no

-feeling of entitlement - yes in many situations

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder  - no, my pwBPD is high functioning - highly organized, put together

-compulsive shopper - yes!

-drove like a formula 1 racer - yes!  got car sick with her niece

-had no desire of being a responsible adult - she is high functioning adult

-Everything is somebody else's fault - yes, except in seducing phase when she'll take ownership and then that crumbles quickly and never her fault.  She is not capable of apologizing for emotional offenses.

[christoff522]

those tiny little cuts that happen during daily life were just so excruciating.

She used to bite through her nails you know, the skin at the side until they really bled. one day she sent me a pic of her finger with blood on it and kept texting me "fix it chrissy", "make the pain go away"

anyway, 4 days later she ditched me.

My uBPDxw used to chew on her fingernails too. ALL THE TIME! It was annoying. So weird some of these traits!

Probably a minor form of self-harm. Also an outgrow of internal anxieties, like nervous people bite their nails? I think they definitely do it in order to feel pain. I bite my nails, usually cos I'm too lazy to cut them with clippers. But you'd look at her nails, and they'd be bitten down to the core, scarred. It was horrendous. Funnily she stopped for a couple of weeks when she was with me (because she was settled) then once again she started again, probably after cheating.

[Banshee]

My uBPDxw used to chew on her fingernails too. ALL THE TIME! It was annoying. So weird some of these traits!

Yes ! I would gently pull his fingers away from his mouth for him to quickly put them right back and continue chewing... . yuk

[Blimblam]

My ex BPD partner displayed very few actually! She fits the waif profile so I guess that's why... . But the only thing that strikes me is that once she started drinking, she couldn't stop until she was basically incapable of holding a glass. I guess I only knew her when she WAS in treatment, but she had every desire of being a responsible adult in a calm, loving relationship and was kind of the opposite - sensitive to and grateful for everything.

My NPD ex? He fits these perfectly. He had a long term stomach condition yet every test under the sun confirmed that there was nothing wrong with him. It gave him a lot of excuses to avoid doing what I wanted. (He also once made me nurse him through the flu then ignored me after I caught it.) No empathy, loads of drama, random accusations, entitlement, stunningly lazy and blamed others for everything. Didn't drive like an F1 driver because he never bothered to learn, got other people to drive him wherever he needed.

yes redsky the waif! the waif just seems so different.  Most of my experience is with waifs.  we need to talk because its like only someone with waif experience seems like they could understand.

[Red Sky]

Yes it's impossible to explain to people... . I can hardly come up with any of the typical 'red flags', she was always sweet... . difficult to justify walking away, even to yourself. Especially with someone who seems so dependent on you.

The fingernail chewing etc makes me wonder about myself actually... . I am prone to biting the skin off my fingers, pulling out hair etc and just treated them as bad habits, things I do absentmindedly. Now I'm wondering if they've ever come and gone with my moods... .

[FigureIt]

Mine has... .

-Chronic pains and illness: An actual disorder of low blood pressure/passing out, but refuses to go see the neurologist since he has been diagnosed.

-Lack of empathy

-Depression (to the point that they said their life feels like purgatory):  Especially in regards to his job.



-Loved drama

-accusations:  Just talking about a male means "I'm having or gonna have an affair."

-abuse of controlled substances: alcohol particularly, but "since he only drinks on the weekends, doesn't in his mind... . although I've NEVER seen him have just one."

-feeling of entitlement

-extremely disorderly / lazy - yet I'm the problem for it all.  He is weird about all the k-cup coffee slots being filled, yet won't take care of the dogs unless told to.

-compulsive shopper - GAMBLER, not shopper

-had no desire of being a responsible adult - would rather throw money at his children the be a parent.

-Everything is somebody else's fault - especially his job... . instead of just finding another & quitting, complains of how bad it is and blah blah blah, he gets 5-weeks paid vacation and won't take it.

[/quote]

[Tincup]

My ex would also bit her nails until they would bleed.  She could not stop doing it.  She would always say what a disgusting habit it was yet she kept doing it.  AND she would always point it out to me "isn't it gross what I do to my nails?" 

She also would not necessarily have ailments, but would worry about having ailments.  A stomach pain would mean she was getting cancer. 

[christoff522]

My ex would also bit her nails until they would bleed.  She could not stop doing it.  She would always say what a disgusting habit it was yet she kept doing it.  AND she would always point it out to me "isn't it gross what I do to my nails?" 

I remember she actually used to tell me off for biting my nails, yet did it herself. Odd, and yeah she couldn't stop, right down to the stubs.

She also would not necessarily have ailments, but would worry about having ailments.  A stomach pain would mean she was getting cancer. 

Oh she would have full blown ailments, some sort of stomach complaint, she even showed me the pills (which frankly were more likely to be contraceptives). She had some issue with stomach acid... but then she'd have headaches all the time and stuff (obviously brain tumours).

[rl669]

Just curious how many of you on here encountered the following with your ex BPD partners:

-Chronic pains and illness - No

-Lack of empathy - Yes

-Depression (to the point that they said their life feels like purgatory) - Yes

-Loved drama - Yes

-accusations - Yes

-abuse of controlled substances - Not really

-bulimia - No

-feeling of entitlement - Yes

-extremely disorderly / lazy/ hoarder - Yes

-compulsive shopper - Yes

-drove like a formula 1 racer - No

-had no desire of being a responsible adult - Yes

-Everything is somebody else's fault - Yes