Feeling trapped

[StayOrLeave15]

Hello all.  I am new to this world and introduced myself on the L1 board.  I was encouraged to post in the Staying board but I've realized that I just can't commit to that yet. I know I can't bring myself to leave either though. So here I find myself.

I feel deeply in love with my uBPDgf but am emotionally battered.  When things are good, they are amazing. But the fights are constant.  And the pattern of the fights is the same: She gets upset about something I said, or did, or didn't do, or an ex of mine, and she turns ice cold.  Cold isn't even the word.  I have never seen such anger come out of anyone, let alone someone I love.  She goes to this place where she says and does the most hurtful things, which in turn make me very mad but lately I have just become very sad.  The sadness used to pass when we would kiss and make up.  But lately it has been sticking around.

Lately, I have been giving in to so many ultimatums from her. I don't feel like a man.  After the fights, she will tell me everything I did wrong, and everything I need to change, and I give in.  I do this because I don't want to fight anymore and because I am afraid to lose her.  (One night she got very upset with me because I told her I wasn't afraid to lose her. Now she makes sure I am.) Then she comes back. She looks in my eyes and tells me over and over how much she loves me. Texts all day about how I am her whole world and she has never loved anyone so much. When we talk I feel like she understands me more than anyone has.  She is beautiful, sweet, and funny. I hold her in my arms and kiss her and feel so close to her, and feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  Then, in the blink of an eye, she is gone again. Angry. Making accusations. Telling me what I think and how I feel.   

She (whether it is conscious or subconscious) can control me by my emotions.  If she is upset, she will run away, and make me chase her, even if it was her that was wrong.  And I do it. Because I am so attached that I don't know what I would do without her. But lately it's been worse and worse.  I have a history of depression, and in the last week, after some particularly horrible things she did, I haven't been able to get over it, and I feel the depressive symptoms setting in. But I think I would be worse without her - at least in the short run.

The logical side of me knows I should leave. But the emotional side of me wants to stay, and I am a prisoner of my emotions, both to myself and to her.  Apart from the depression in my past, I'm assertive, successful, and attractive 30-something who has never had trouble meeting females. But there's something about her that has me feeling like an abuse victim - being battered and then running back and asking for more.

I've told her that I am feeling depressed.  I was vague about it, saying it is from the "ups and downs of our relationship", which she acknowledges, rather than placing blame.  But I want to tell her that I am depressed because of what she has done to me and how I feel like I am trapped in a cage.  Stay with her and I feel abused. Leave and I feel like my partner and my whole life is gone. (That is if she doesn't leave first, as she has tried to a few times only to find me begging to have her back).  Long run, I am better off without her.  But right now, I am just so dependent on her (addicted?) that I don't know if I can get through the short run suffering of leaving.  Thank you all for reading and any words of wisdom you can share. 

[Hopeless777]

Read my story "I've Been Punished Enough". I feel for everything you say. In the end my home was a prison and she was the jailer. I had to break out. Gone two weeks now and feel awful hall the time and strangely peaceful the other half. I have no idea where this all winds up. pwBPD are just a total mystery. I'm confused and distraught too. Know you're not alone.

[StayOrLeave15]

Thank you Hopeless777.

I had read your story earlier this evening before posting and to be honest it worries me.  I am only a bit older than your oldest child and I am thinking I should get out now.  There are so many of the same things... .

- I want to get up from bed to use the bathroom and she hugs me tight and says, ":)on't go, don't go!"

- After major blowouts she will go on as if nothing happened

- I am the farthest thing from a violent person and I have to try so hard to hold back from not being physical toward her when she is in one of these states

But then I look at her and see the beautiful, wonderful girl I fell in love with.  BPD is a nasty beast full of catch-22's and no-win situations.  Part of me wants to hold her in my arms forever but another wants to never see her again.  We don't live together (yet) so it also feels completely different when I am at home by myself contemplating things to when we are happily spending time together. That is, until something triggers her. I am feeling hopeless as well...

[Narellan]

Hi stayorleave15. Being with a BPD is confusing and emotionally overwhelming, isn't it? We fight to leave, and we fight to hold on. We push and pull with them. Mirror the disorder back to them. I was so enmeshed I couldn't see straight. All I knew was that I couldn't let him go. But in the end of course it was he who left. I was only with him 4 months, but feel like I've lost myself. I'm crawling slowly but surely out of that well of depression now.

I can't offer any sensible advice on this. Except maybe to say that the longer you procrastinate the harder it will be to break free. And the more damage it will do you. I've been 3 months NC and I've had some of the worst days of my life. But I know things would have gotten worse had I still been with him. It was so dysfunctional. I could vaguely sense that but I was in the fog too much, and I loved him more than I loved myself.

I am surviving on my own, and getting used to this feeling of peace and calm within myself.

You can see  already so listen to your gut. You shouldn't be sad and depressed and having your self esteem battered in a good relationship. You deserve more, so do I. If you can't see long term with this girl, you need to plan your path now.

I encourage you to read through the resources on each of the boards. You'll find links to the right of the board.

And take one step in the right direction. For you.

Peace