He's online now... I want to ask why he hates me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My God! What is with me this evening? I am normally NEVER like this.

I am sitting here on my laptop, playing music. I go into my certain music streaming website to choose a different album and I can see him logged in also.

I can see the songs he is listening to, he can see what I am listening to. I can imagine him now just sitting at his desk, working on his computer as he does and listening to these songs and I just want to message him through the site and say "Why do you hate me?".

[BlondeRunner]

My God! What is with me this evening? I am normally NEVER like this.

I am sitting here on my laptop, playing music. I go into my certain music streaming website to choose a different album and I can see him logged in also.

I can see the songs he is listening to, he can see what I am listening to. I can imagine him now just sitting at his desk, working on his computer as he does and listening to these songs and I just want to message him through the site and say "Why do you hate me?".

[Xstaticaddict]

Can you do something to set up a new account or change settings so you don't see each other? It's little things like that that you could do something about that will help create distance so you can truly stay NC until you can consciously resist the very natural need for understanding why they do what they do "to us".

I know what you mean though, i just see the name of a playlist she made in my itunes and it triggers me.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Xstaticaddict

Yes, I can easily sort this situation. I could unfollow him. Yet I don't.

Eurgh. It's been a bad day. I think I need a good nights sleep and hopefully things will look different in the morning.

BR x

[Red Sky]

I'm just going to tell you what I think you want (and need) to hear: no. No no no no no no no. Don't do it. Don't contact him. Stay strong. 

[BlondeRunner]

Thank you Redsky, that is indeed what I wanted and needed to hear. Funny thing is, I do have will power made of steel. I will not message him. I'd throw my laptop out of the window before I did that. It's just hard and I'm not someone used to having weak moments and feelings like that.

[Red Sky]

Never confessed this to anyone, but for months after NC'ing an ex I looked up his Lastfm plays to try and determine how he was feeling. I stopped partly because I was moving on and partly because I felt like such a stalker... .

[BlondeRunner]

Oh my gosh RedSky, I saw one of the songs he had listened to a wondered if it was a covert message. I can't even remember what it was now but something about a last kiss. I then considered GOOGLING the lyrics to see what it was about in case it was influencing him. Then I realised I was a crazy person. Thank you!

[Trent]

I could unfollow him. Yet I don't.

You know what needs to be done.  Muster those "nerves of steel" you mentioned in another thread and unfollow him!     While you're at it, do it in every other app or avenue you can think of. 

I know it isn't easy.  For me, I felt a certain definiteness/finality when I blocked my exBPDgf, and that made me sad.  Like I was closing the door on all the hopes and dreams I had for a life with her.  Preventing her from having the ability to apologize to me, because soon she will "see the light" and permanently change back into the person she was when I first met her, and together we can be happy again.  Logically, I know this isn't going to happen in a million years, but in the depths of my heart, I know that's what I'm hoping for.  This is the contradictory dilemma many of us seem to struggle with here.

Until my brain can get my heart on the same page, I must work daily to maintain my resolve.  Today makes 10 weeks, and it seems to be getting easier with each passing day. 

Be strong! 

[Red Sky]

Oh god yes. All my unfollowing/NC things were SO HARD. I tell myself it takes one burst of willpower, the one second it takes to click that button and it will feel better when it's done. Like Trent I felt a lot of sadness at the finality of my actions but I also felt this MASSIVE RELIEF that no fresh sources of angst could sneak in.

[Xstaticaddict]

On the topic of music, all this talk about song meanings triggered a memory for me. Towards the end of our relationship she actually made me a mix cd, which i thought was INSANELY SENSITIVE and way out of character as far as thoughtfulness. I listened to all the lyrics and it was the perfect mix of love and pain, and a lot of songs about struggling with relationships and needing to let go of relationships that don't work. So perfectly describing what we were going through at the time that I thought it may be a break up CD.

When I asked her about the lyrics and what they meant to her, she responded that she hadn't even noticed the lyrics. (which she would say a lot about music) This from a girl who could write crazy good poetry, and loved reading my writing.

What i got from that is that it's really important to not read anything into what your BPDex (or anyone for that matter) does without straight up asking them, because what you may think is the most meaningful heartfelt message in the world, may just be a fun beat to nod their head to as they text someone.

[Xstaticaddict]

Oh god yes. All my unfollowing/NC things were SO HARD. I tell myself it takes one burst of willpower, the one second it takes to click that button and it will feel better when it's done. Like Trent I felt a lot of sadness at the finality of my actions but I also felt this MASSIVE RELIEF that no fresh sources of angst could sneak in.

Ugh... . thank you RedSky, and thank you BlondeRunner for starting this post. You've inspired me to take her name off of my phone and favorites, list. I hope you feel inspired to do some healthy clicking yourself tonight.

... . just did it  

[Red Sky]

I added blocks for both exes to my additional email accounts Just In Case. I didn't bother before on the basis that nobody uses them... . not even sure who has that contact info.

PS there is an app called SelfRestraint that blocks websites for you for a set period of time. I've never tried it but it sounds like it could be useful as pre-emptive action if you're having s bad day or whatever. I'm not so much tempted to get in touch as I am to check things like Twitter or Tumblr which I can do without signing in... .

[Narellan]

"What i got from that is that it's really important to not read anything into what your BPDex (or anyone for that matter) does without straight up asking them, because what you may think is the most meaningful heartfelt message in the world, may just be a fun beat to nod their head to as they text someone."

I absolutely love that paragraph. Lol . It's so true.

My exBPD asked me what " our song" was. I said I'd think about it. Few days later he started the silent treatment out of the blue, so I sent him a YouTube link to " say something" by a great big world.

Lol. He deleted it. Hates that song. Of course he would, it's about abandonment. I didn't know about BPD then.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Trent,

You know what needs to be done.  Muster those "nerves of steel" you mentioned in another thread and unfollow him!    

I did it. I woke up this morning and I did it straight away. I unfollowed him on a few things (not everything but most stuff. I will address the other one when I feel ready. Big step today. Time to take back control!  

For me, I felt a certain definiteness/finality when I blocked my exBPDgf, and that made me sad.  Like I was closing the door on all the hopes and dreams I had for a life with her.  Preventing her from having the ability to apologize to me, because soon she will "see the light" and permanently change back into the person she was when I first met her, and together we can be happy again.  Logically, I know this isn't going to happen in a million years, but in the depths of my heart, I know that's what I'm hoping for.  This is the contradictory dilemma many of us seem to struggle with here.

Oh my gosh. Yes. This hit the nail on the head. I couldn't have put it better myself. I also know it's never going to work our like that and even if he did say all the things I want to hear I know in my heart it's just words. I cannot go back there.

Xstaticaddict - well done on the unfollowing! We can do it!

I also deleted our shared playlists. I don't need them anymore. They are just a bunch of random songs!


 

[Xstaticaddict]

Nicely Done BR,

I agree with Trent. Every bit of progress has so much to do with truly embracing that it's over and that the bridge they burned is totally burned and unsafe to cross again, if it's charred beams still exist at all.

I have a question for you about this letting go thing.

I have a picture that i had commissioned while at one of those "taboo" erotic show conventions that comes to town. It was from a guy that would do a portrait of you as zombies. In ours my ex is chewing on my arm and i'm basically standing there letting her do it as if i was her food. I had originally taken it off the wall when she left because it was something we shared but have since put it back up in my bedroom as it's been a reminder not to let a woman with endless sucking hunger that can't be satiated consume my humanness again. Do you think this is something that serves me or should go away. It feels empowering and has definitely helped me keep the good memories in check.

Thoughts?

[BlondeRunner]

Well, I would say listen to your gut – how does it make you feel?

I think for some people it would be an awful reminder of their ex and the painful relationship but can also see that for some it would be, as you say below, a crystal clear reminder of your exes destruction! It's certainly an eerily accurate interpretation of what they do and if it makes you feel strong and empowered then keep it. If at some point it makes you feel something else then take it down. Everyone is different and we all deal with things differently.

How fitting that you got a picture like that done. That’s exactly how I’d picture my ex – a metaphor eating away at my emotions, bank account, good nature and sanity!

[Narellan]

I'd keep the picture if it serves you in a positive way. My exBPD gave me a blown up poster sized photo of my best friend and I sitting in a wheat field on an old couch. She became my replacement. I burned that (f word)er like a sacrificial burning and it felt soo good. It had been doing my head in what to do with it. I've never destroyed anything in my life and it really gave me pleasure beyond words

[woodsposse]

 

Prior to coming to this site and finally going full blown NC... . it was a constant struggle with me and my (now) ex-wife.  Yes, the marriage was over and she moved out of our house... . and then a few months later so did I (which was probably the best thing I could have ever done!).

But, I still kept a door open for her... . albeit I was very mad, angry, bitter, depressed, sad, lonely - all the feelings you get when your world really drops out beneath you.

I gave in to those times I just wanted to reach out to her. I gave in to those times that our conversations (even after we had "moved on" and were with other people... . I eventually met a GF, she got pregnant with the guy she was cheating on me with) went from bad to worse and the arguments flew and the anger flew either via text or via phone.

I know now that this was still her way of holding on to me in a way, and I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.  We had been together for almost 20 years.  Right, wrong or indifferent... . that's two decades with one person.  So, yeah - it's gonna take me a minute to fully detach.

Once I came here and really started to understand what was and had been going on, it made it a lot easier not to want to reach out to her during those times of 'weakness'.  I'm not saying from time to time I don't slip back into that mode of thought and feeling - but I know no matter what I do, or what I say - nothing will ever get on a stable plane between us (and certainly I could never trust anything coming out of her mouth).

What I found to work for me (outside of just wanting to drink myself into a stooper... . which is not a good idea, by the way) - is just allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling... . and then get some sleep.

[Red Sky]

I'd keep the picture if it serves you in a positive way. My exBPD gave me a blown up poster sized photo of my best friend and I sitting in a wheat field on an old couch. She became my replacement. I burned that (f word)er like a sacrificial burning and it felt soo good. It had been doing my head in what to do with it. I've never destroyed anything in my life and it really gave me pleasure beyond words

After the last time my ex-boyfriend found a way to contact me, I smashed the jewellery he'd given me with a high heel and it felt like the best thing ever. I had decided to keep it as a way of remembering that we had good times too and now I have a small pile of shattered glass and twisted metal which I keep to remind myself how much I enjoyed destroying it 

[Narellan]

So therapeutic ! I can just envision you with your high heel. I love that 

[Red Sky]

It was pretty good. Your burning picture sounds wonderfully symbolic... . I have the urge to start burning things (I have a stack of love notes I've been debating whether I keep or not... . ) but the last time I tried that I set my eyelashes on fire