In a lawsuit against my mother with BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I currently in a nasty lawsuit against my mother over my father's estate.  My father's will left his half of his assets to my two siblings and myself and my mother won't let go of the assets.  She is even contesting the Will and also suing me over several false allegations.  She even changed her Will and disinherited my siblings and me. 

This nightmare has been going for 2 and a half years now.  Thing whole time I have not been able to understand how evil her actions have been.  She has really made me out to be a monster to her friends and other family members with all her lies.  It is crazy how she has twisted everything and made herself be the victim when I am the one that has been trying to defend myself for over a year now from her nasty lawyer. 

She has gone to the extent in making up lies in her affidavits and even under oath in her deposition.  She has convinced several relatives of mine that I am a monster and they believe her. 

A few days ago I stumbled upon an article on BPD and it really OPENED my eyes.  It was titled "Heroic Martyr or Emotional Vampire?"  When I started to read this, it was describing exactly how my mother is.  I couldn't believe how spot on it was on how she has been for many years.  This whole time I kept asking "how a mother can ever treat and talk badly to her adult kids as my mom has?"  I kept reading different websites about BPD and I am truly convinced that this is what she has. 

My MAIN goal will be to eventually get her some help, even though she is really set in the fact that she believes that there is nothing wrong and that us children are the ones that need help.  I am going to start reading Walking on eggshells and other books that I find in order to help me with dealing with this.

BUT MY IMMEDIATE concern is to reach a settlement with her on the lawsuit and stop the fighting before more damage is done.  I really worry about her health, if the judge rules against her AND when she hears all the numerous witnesses discredit her and basically call her out on all the false allegations.  I have tried having relatives as mediators.  I went to a professional mediator.  All these have not worked at all.  We have been close at times and I finally get her verbal ok, but then she goes home to think about it and ends up not signing any agreement. 

I currently convinced her to meet with a priest and have him as our mediator.  We have been going back and forth with offers but every time that I try and reach her in middle, it seems as though she goes farther and farther away. 

Now that I know she is BPD, I really need help in knowing tools in helping our communication.  I think she has convinced herself of her lies that all the assets that my parents have are all hers and anything she gives up, is like if we are stealing it from her.  Every proposal I make is to her advantage, yet somehow she says that she is being cheated. 

Please help!  I really don't know if there is any hope in getting her to reach an agreement. 

[Bela3]

I currently in a nasty lawsuit against my mother over my father's estate.  My father's will left his half of his assets to my two siblings and myself and my mother won't let go of the assets.  She is even contesting the Will and also suing me over several false allegations.  She even changed her Will and disinherited my siblings and me. 

This nightmare has been going for 2 and a half years now.  Thing whole time I have not been able to understand how evil her actions have been.  She has really made me out to be a monster to her friends and other family members with all her lies.  It is crazy how she has twisted everything and made herself be the victim when I am the one that has been trying to defend myself for over a year now from her nasty lawyer. 

She has gone to the extent in making up lies in her affidavits and even under oath in her deposition.  She has convinced several relatives of mine that I am a monster and they believe her. 

A few days ago I stumbled upon an article on BPD and it really OPENED my eyes.  It was titled "Heroic Martyr or Emotional Vampire?"  When I started to read this, it was describing exactly how my mother is.  I couldn't believe how spot on it was on how she has been for many years.  This whole time I kept asking "how a mother can ever treat and talk badly to her adult kids as my mom has?"  I kept reading different websites about BPD and I am truly convinced that this is what she has. 

My MAIN goal will be to eventually get her some help, even though she is really set in the fact that she believes that there is nothing wrong and that us children are the ones that need help.  I am going to start reading Walking on eggshells and other books that I find in order to help me with dealing with this.

BUT MY IMMEDIATE concern is to reach a settlement with her on the lawsuit and stop the fighting before more damage is done.  I really worry about her health, if the judge rules against her AND when she hears all the numerous witnesses discredit her and basically call her out on all the false allegations.  I have tried having relatives as mediators.  I went to a professional mediator.  All these have not worked at all.  We have been close at times and I finally get her verbal ok, but then she goes home to think about it and ends up not signing any agreement. 

I currently convinced her to meet with a priest and have him as our mediator.  We have been going back and forth with offers but every time that I try and reach her in middle, it seems as though she goes farther and farther away. 

Now that I know she is BPD, I really need help in knowing tools in helping our communication.  I think she has convinced herself of her lies that all the assets that my parents have are all hers and anything she gives up, is like if we are stealing it from her.  Every proposal I make is to her advantage, yet somehow she says that she is being cheated. 

Please help!  I really don't know if there is any hope in getting her to reach an agreement. 

[ugghh]

Bela, sorry to hear what you are going through.  The roller coaster you are on with your mother is quite common for pwBPD.   The tactics your mother is employing are similar to those used when we divorce a spouse with BPD.  Painting you black, the smear campaign, the never quite settling. I will give you the same first 2 recommendations I give in a divorce situation.

First, please seek out a counselor for yourself.  Many of us fail to see the damage that has been done to ourselves by constantly jumping through hoops to meet the unattainable needs of the pwBPD.  A good therapist can help you sort our the priorities that are important to you as well as assist in strategies for dealing with these complex relationships.  You may want reconsider your main goal of helping mother.  I had a friend who has son terribly addicted to drugs relate the story that the counselors told to his family.  They described the scenario of the airplane crash instructions where the flight attendant instructs parents to first secure their own oxygen mask before helping their children.  In this case you are the parent and your first duty to get yourself mentally in a good place.

Second, get a good attorney.  This is not case for attorneys who always want to settle over going to trial, nor those inexperienced in dealing with high conflict people.  If you peruse the boards, you will begin to get a feel for just how many of us in these situations literally reach a settlement on the courthouse steps, often the same settlement that was offered months or years earlier.   

Let me repeat, if your attorney says that he or she always settles without trial, they are probably not the right one for this situation. 

You need to understand that by prolonging the situation it allows your mother to both retain control as well as continue to play the victim loudly to anyone who will listen.  Your experience of mediating but never reaching conclusion is not at all uncommon for BPD.   The attorney will also allow you to begin to distance yourself from the situation.

[ForeverDad]

Has she been like this her whole life, just not to such an extreme?  Could it be that your father managed to limit the extremes of her demands and behaviors while he was alive?

To put it simply, IF she is not in effective and continuing long term therapy - and applying it in her life and thinking - THEN she is unlikely to change, what you see is what you get.

My father's will left his half of his assets to my two siblings and myself and my mother won't let go of the assets.

Every proposal I make is to her advantage, yet somehow she says that she is being cheated.

What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too.

Is probate court reluctant to rule on the matter or is all this delay due to trying to make deals with her?  Likely she'll keep agreeing and then reneging on deal after deal until you eventually give up and give in.  (After all, you've already offered her good deals that undermine some of your father's wishes.)  Get an attorney is a good idea, one who knows a settlement is next to impossible.  Probably just best to present the will to the judge, state your case and let the judge decide.  Quite likely a lot of her emotional claims have very little facts to support them.  She's expecting that by sheer intensity and stubbornness that she'll get what she wants.

Your future relationship with her is probably ruined.  Not much you can do about it.  You can try the communications skills, SET and others, but how she responds is still her choice.  Maybe she'll change for the better in the future but the reality is that by then you won't trust any claims of change since it could be feigned.

I really worry about her health... .

Her health is her concern.  Your health is your concern.  If she's treating you poorly then you need to look out for yourself since she would try to guilt you unfairly.  An illustration... . You may be concerned about the thorn in the raging lion's paw but you can't risk getting close enough to pull it out.

Show respect for your father, respect his will, likely it was written with a purpose, he may have known how she would fight to sabotage it.  He would not want you to undo his intentions and plans.

Edit:  My step-grandma seemed so nice in front of us kids.  But I recall one day my retired 80+ year old grandpa slipped me $5 and said, ":)on't tell your grandmother."  Puzzled, I later asked my mother and she said grandma had so much money she paid taxes on her savings interest.  She added, "Grandma believes her money is hers and his money is theirs."  I bet she had some traits of BPD.

[catnap]

Another book to consider is Christine Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

I have to agree with the other posters.  You need to find an attorney that has experience with high-conflict personalities.  If I may ask what are her grounds for contesting the will?

[Bela3]

I do have a good lawyer that has been helping me with all the legal threats.  I am not sure if he is familiar with dealing with this type of situation.  I have not talked to him about this yet.  The court has taken a long time because of all the false allegations AND that the court in my county is extremely slow.  Also, a tactic of hers is to delay the most they can and drag it out. 

Now looking back, I do see that she has displayed this type of behaviors but we always "gave in."  She always guilted us.  I think we even fueled her to get more and more like this.  "ForeverDad" is right in believing that my father some how kept her in check.  I think she got a lot more intense because she now feels she should have FULL control of us and all her assets.  She was extremely mad that I was the PR of my father's estate.  To make things even more complicated, my brother and I run our family business that she has never had any participation in and tried to raise havoc with it.  Luckily, my father had already put us in position to run the company without need of her approval.

As to the allegations on contesting the Will, she is saying my dad was mentally incapacitated when he made it and also controlled by my brother and myself (that we made him do it).  Other allegations are that I have committed fraud as PR of the estate and also as Director of our family business AND the list goes on and on.  After a year of legal battle, she has yet to be able to produce any evidence to prove any of these... . because they are lies.  Unfortunately our court system lets these lawsuits occur if there is doubt.  Only things she has produced is her affidavit with lies.  She twisted our care for our dad during his last year of life with cancer as us controlling him and planning this Will even though the only real change that this had instead of their previous Trust they had was that I was PR.  She is even now contesting the Trust as well claiming she was lied to and forced to sign it. 

It also hurts that since she accuses of being greedy children (with her lies), that she changed the Trust that her and my father had agreed upon and disinherited upon her death.  All that my father has worked for.  It is so frustrating especially since we have not done anything wrong.  Us children are old enough and have good jobs that we are not dependent on it, but it really hurts because it would help our kids future.  My father lived for us and especially for them.  Meanwhile, my mom has isolated herself from all of us the last 7 years. 

I will definitely take the advice the three of you have given me.  I am doing all I can to try and follow my father's Will.  This process has been so exhausting financially and emotionally. 

The more I have read about BPD, the more it explains a lot of the way our mother had been living her life. 

[ForeverDad]

Would a reality check help?  Such as filing motions that she pay your legal fees since there is no basis to her claims?  Most pwBPD are really messed up but they're not that dumb, they know what $$$ are.  It sounds like she's seldom if ever faced Consequences.  Maybe it's time she becomes aware of her consequences.

[formflier]

Amen to the suggestion below. 

Also... . are you and your other family members that run the business at the same place with BPD? 

I would suggest that you take time to make sure that you and the other decision makers in the family business are at least not at odds about what is going on.

Once you get to that place I would think that directing your lawyer to get in front of the judge asap is the best policy.  Do not continue to spend money, emotions and effort on settling... . she will always up the ante.  Past behavior predicts the future.

You are correct to follow your Father's wishes... . whoever that upsets... . so be it.

I am a Father... . and I would be proud of any of my children that stood up for my last will and testament. 

Would a reality check help?  Such as filing motions that she pay your legal fees since there is no basis to her claims?  Most pwBPD are really messed up but they're not that dumb, they know what $$$ are.  It sounds like she's seldom if ever faced Consequences.  Maybe it's time she becomes aware of her consequences.

[Bela3]

Thank you guys for your support!

[PleaseValidate]

Bela, this is awful and im sorry it is happening to you. I am in a similar situation re BPDmo and her sibs lying to me about my Grams will and estate, and their intentions in regards to my inclusion and payment for caretaking services. Unlike you, i have not found a good lawyer yet. Anyways. ... .

It might comfort you to know that my  BPDmo and sibs challenged their estranged dad s will w a similar claim- undue influence,  diminished capacity from cancer,  etc. All done through probate and they paid 8k for a lawyer which was a large amount of money to at least 2 of the 4. They lost. They were explicitly *written out* which helped the other party s claim. As you can imagine,  they were livid. (Im not sure if in their now 3 of their minds, it somehow justifies them screwing ME over!)

I empathize w your situation greatly as I also have a BPDMO w the mantra "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too!"

I hope you both get the justice you each deserve.