Mediation & Civil Restraint

[kfifd196]

Hi... . My uBPD wife had a false TRO filed against me, that was reduced to a Civil Restraint, to allow me to have contact with her, to exchange our daughter.  The ONLY stipulation in the Civil Restraint, is that I can do or say anything, except try to reconcile our marriage (by my wife's request).  I believe this is for several reasons... . to keep her family from knowing the "truth" about her and her past, to avoid being vulnerable again, shame, etc... .   First, is this normal to request something like this? Second, we have our 2nd and probably last mediation meeting next Thursday.  Our 1st one went so smooth, even the mediator was surprised how well we get along and agree on things!  That said, does the Civil Restraint stay "in play" while in mediation or can I ask one last time to try to reconcile.  We have a 1 month old daughter and I am VERY certain, we can reconcile and CERTAIN, it is her trust issues and fear of vulnerability\abandonment causing ALL of this!  Thank you!

[ForeverDad]

Wow, you want to go against the one condition of the Civil Restraint?  I fear that would open you to consequences for violating the order.  And I wouldn't do that without clear legal advice.

Beware, if you do that, your claims that all you want to do is reconcile is likely to fall on deaf ears in the constabulary.

Maybe you can "leave the door open", but beware of calling out to her or you could face legal consequences.

I am VERY certain, we can reconcile and CERTAIN, it is her trust issues and fear of vulnerability\abandonment causing ALL of this!

She is an adult, she has a right to live her life and make her decisions as she chooses.  Now that the Law is involved, their #1 concern will be to enforce the terms if she reports any violations, they are not in the business of rescuing marriages.  Especially if she doesn't want the marriage rescued.

Realistically, even if she came back, this could happen all over again a month from now.  Then what?  Will your life be a series of pleadings to come back?

Usually divorces take time, several months if not a year or more.  Maybe before the divorce gets too far along that door may open for you, but right now her emotions are raw and ruling her perceptions.

[livednlearned]

If you break the Civil Restraint in mediation, you're giving her eye witnesses.    Also, someone on the outside of your situation, not knowing about BPD, would think you're the one with impulse control issues. It must be so bad she had to file an order to try and contain you -- so if you break it, then you're setting yourself up to look like you have the exact serious issues she believes you have.

Doesn't seem like a good idea.

Doesn't seem like a good idea to try and reconcile with someone who wants the divorce, and has filed a Civil Restraint so that you won't even talk about reconciling.

Like FD said, even if you could turn things around (doesn't seem remotely likely from out here), what is to stop her from doing this again? You mention that she is only wanting a divorce because of her trust issues and abandonment/vulnerability fears, as though those are insignificant problems that can be easily fixed. I can't think of anything more difficult to fix... . if not impossible, at least for someone else to do the fixing.