Commented on her fb post today. What was I thinking?

[trappedinlove]

The pain is back.

I wanted to congratulate her on an impressive achievement she posted about.  I felt she deserves it and my mind was thinking "what's that NC stupidity? It doesn't make any sense. How can we not communicate after being so close to each other? I just need to work casual communication, and reduce the tension level, and we can be friends again... . "

I miss her so much.

FWIW, she replied to my comment in a neutral tone. Nothing further.

I feel bad about it.

I'm not sure why I'm not blocking her (and our 150 mutual friends :-( or at least the 10 or so she's closer to now)

I feel like it's a violent action. Can't do that to someone I still love and consider a close friend (can't say "good" friend, because she's not, sigh but strangely I still feel so close to her)

It could be that the right thing to do for me is to deactivate my fb account to give myself the peace if mind I need.

I know you'd say "be kind to yourself" but I feel shameful for clinging, I feel addicted and weak for not standing up for myself and keeping safe distance from the source of my pain.

Thanks for being here and letting me vent.

TIL

[arjay]

The pain is back.

I wanted to congratulate her on an impressive achievement she posted about.  I felt she deserves it and my mind was thinking "what's that NC stupidity? It doesn't make any sense. How can we not communicate after being so close to each other?

Greetings and I am sorry for your set-back.  Most of us had them too, so don't be too hard on yourself.  Yes we were all close once-upon-a-time. That was sadly a "fleeting thing" and a very small part of the overall dysfunctional relationship.

I think the hardest part for me was "genuine acceptance" of the person she is(was) in entirety.  I often focused on the "good parts" and ignored or rationalized the "bad parts".  That is what kept me stuck too.

We are all "package deals".  We cannot pick and choose what we want and throw-away what we don't.  We can even try to ignore it, diminish it, rationalize it, etc. In the end "what we see is what we get".

I found from my personal work (2 yrs in counseling) that my low-self-esteem" kept me stuck too.  I almost felt deserving of the treatment, because I couldn't make her happy.  The reality is that we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves, and dealing with our own demons helps us going forward in life.  We tend to find healthier relationships.

Peace

[woodsposse]

The pain is back.

I wanted to congratulate her on an impressive achievement she posted about.  I felt she deserves it and my mind was thinking "what's that NC stupidity? It doesn't make any sense. How can we not communicate after being so close to each other?

Greetings and I am sorry for your set-back.  Most of us had them too, so don't be too hard on yourself.  Yes we were all close once-upon-a-time. That was sadly a "fleeting thing" and a very small part of the overall dysfunctional relationship.

I think the hardest part for me was "genuine acceptance" of the person she is(was) in entirety.  I often focused on the "good parts" and ignored or rationalized the "bad parts".  That is what kept me stuck too.

We are all "package deals".  We cannot pick and choose what we want and throw-away what we don't.  We can even try to ignore it, diminish it, rationalize it, etc. In the end "what we see is what we get".

I found from my personal work (2 yrs in counseling) that my low-self-esteem" kept me stuck too.  I almost felt deserving of the treatment, because I couldn't make her happy.  The reality is that we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves, and dealing with our own demons helps us going forward in life.  We tend to find healthier relationships.

Peace

Talk about perfect timing.  I was sort of going through the same thought process just right now.

I have had my ex-wife on my mind past couple of days, and especially today.  It's a long story as to how it popped up into my head, but the bottom line is part of me really wanted to reach out to her today and see if we could 'reconnect' somehow because I really did (and do) miss the close good times we had... . and even partially know we could have (current situations not withstanding).

But then I always circle back around to the bad things which happened... . which, to be fair in how I present it - a lot of the things I remember she did which were effed up and my reaction to it I feel was so over the top, and I feel guilty about how I made her feel or if I made her cry or feel alone.  And then I get all "it was all my fault" and so forth - then circle back around to "wait a minute... . but she was the one who lied and cheated on me... . how else was I suppose to feel?"

And round and round it goes until something pops up in your face, like this post, which reminds you everything in the swirling bowl is both true and not.  It is a package deal.

Like was said, we can try and ignore it, dimmish it, rationalize it... . drink it away for a night, do some mind numbering activity so you don't have to think about it (like play video games)... . but in the end it is what we see is what we get.  Can't get around it.

If someone tells you they are a liar - then that is what it is.  No two ways about it.

But when you are in the r/s - and you are connected in other ways besides being boyfriend and girlfriend (like you live together, have kids together, are married)... . it makes it so much harder to define or redefine the boundaries. 

You can't just "walk away".  Then you rationalize why you have to stay stuck in the pain or muck or totally dysfunction - and you remind yourself it is because "you love her". 

So I get what happens when you are in it - I guess the only thing to do now is get myself straight and keep my eyes open for the signs that a next r/s may be filled with the same dynamics, even if I am the one bringing it. 

No one deserves to be treated badly because our S/O wants to blame us for their emoitions of being happy or not.

[arjay]

And round and round it goes until something pops up in your face, like this post, which reminds you everything in the swirling bowl is both true and not.  It is a package deal.

And that is what I came to "accept" over time; that the person "she loved" simply could not be available all the time, given all the challenges of the relationship.  I just didn't have it in me to "roll with it" day-in and day-out, knowing in the end I may still face her painting me black and leaving.

There was a part of her I loved and I know she felt the same.  Sadly those two people showed up less and less in the relationship over time.  Those two people became distant memories and what we sometimes hold on to, in these moments of reflection.

Peace to both of you

[trappedinlove]

Thanks for your support guys.

I'm going to try staying out of facebook for a while.  I'm going on a business trip for a week tonight so I'll start with that and see how it goes.

Less distractions is a good thing, regardless.

Since I don't want to deactivate the account (it feels like acting out to me) and I don't want to get into the blocking game I just changed my password to a random one and deleted it so I can't login. I know I can recover the password any time but the extra step does raise the bar.

Take care,

TIL

[woodsposse]

There was a part of her I loved and I know she felt the same.

Sadly those two people showed up less and less in the relationship over time.

Those two people became distant memories and what we sometimes hold on to, in these moments of reflection.

Yes, that is exactly right.  It is that memory, even in the distant, which pops up from time to time.  And when those to people showed up at the same time... . it was wonderful.  And then, during times like these, you tend to want to forget the other times (the dark times... . queue 'Emperor music' and say ":)ark Times" with an English accent!).

And sometimes it is like you feel like you are cheating on yourself by trying to cuddle up to the good time memories and feel guilty to the bad time remembrances and the current pain you are in.  It's like you want to kick yourself in the backside for having feelings of longing toward a person who caused so much pain and confusion.

I know one of the reasons I've been triggered lately - well, a lot of the reasons... . I'm a little concerned about my future outlook on employment (looking for a new job)... . me and my GF just split up (even though it wasn't totally nuclear devestation, it still doesn't feel the best.  But, her and I did meet yesterday for lunch (and it was a good conversation, with a lot of similarities to when me and my ex would split up and start to work our way back to being together.  I recognize the pattern and know that that is something I can't do.  For a lot of different reasons - but mostly because it really wouldn't be right.

I say "right" because when I started my r/s with my GF - I looked past all the red flags of her depression and such and still just tried to have a meaningful r/s as boyfriend/girlfriend - with me just coming out of a 20 year r/s.  

So I had a lot of stuff to deal with - and really wasn't 'there' for our r/s as much as I could have been if I were totally out of my marriage r/s.  But then again, had I been where I am now in my healing - I wouldn't have ever gotten involved with her to have a r/s with in the first place.  (there is a lot of backstory as to why, but suffice it to say her and I are just on two totally different levels and backgrounds to even think it could work in any sense of the term long term.)  That's not a bad thing - it's actually a good thing to recognize it and call it for what it is before getting in too deep or doing things you can't undo.

But I digress.

Triggers happen.  Memories happen - both good and bad.  There is a HUGE part of me that wants the good memories person to show up and chat with me, if only for a while.  I'd want to be there too and enjoy that.  But even if that were possible - it would be so short lived, and the fall on the other side of it would hurt just as much.

It's inevitable.

[Rockstar22]

Sorry about your pain. I don't know how long it's been but it sounds too soon for you (maybe for any of us). 2 months out for me, but not completely NC w my BPD ex. She still texts me sporadically (weekly or so, not daily) and we are on neutral but friendly terms atm.

Facebook is stupid anyway and I've thought of deleting mine before, but I don't want to give her any satisfaction b/c I still use mine for networking, etc. What works for me was just to unfriend her and all her family and friends shortly after our breakup. I sent a message to anyone that I felt bad about unfriending, saying that it wasn't personal, just given the circumstances I thought that it would be less drama that way. It is not currently necessary for me to block her atm b/c I'm sure if she couldn't look at my FB page from time to time (at least what is public) she would just text me more about random crap.

Come to think of it, is NC more for us nons or them - or equally for both?

She is still friends with people that she only knows through me, including my family, which causes some frustration at times b/c 2 of my sisters still like and comment on some of her stuff. She has not been actively commenting on my people's pages, though except for one guy who's a douche and will still like and comment on her stuff. I may end up having to unfriend him if it continues because I don't want to see that stuff. At least one of my buddies said he unfriended her b/c she liked something on his page. Lol

I guess NC is the best or only way for some BPD individuals. Best of luck to you. It will get better in time, I am sure.

[woodsposse]

 

Instinctively after the breakup I wanted to go total LC... . and block all FB stuff (defriend, block if needed, whatever).  I knew my motivation wasn't because I was angry... . but because I knew I  didn't need to see her info popping up from time to time.  I just didn't need that reminder that it was so horribly over!

She jumped on me for defriending her - which I backed down and refriended her - only to have some of the non-sense pop up from time to time so I eventually had to block her and defriend any like people we knew (family and stuff).

But it still took me a long time to go total NC.  It was only then, with a few months off from no calls (I hadn't talked to her since last November) and there were still some follow on texts which got a little rough... . but that even stopped the end of February.

Yes, the NC is really for us - a chance to, at least, be away from the conflict or drama or chaos... . enough to let us settle down and try and refocus.

I wish wish wish wish wish I had followed through on LC/NC after we first split up.  Me allowing her to still text me or phone calls or even visits helped keep an already confusing emotionally messed up time drag on for much longer than it needed to.

My focus and concentration was so for crap during that time frame, I could barely get anything done or find the motivation to do things well.  I fought through the depression - but if I hadn't had her right there in my face or ear... . I may have been able to settle down sooner.

BUt, that didn't happen.  Now I'm paying the full aftermath price of dealing with the break up and anything else which fell apart during that whole time.  And it isn't easy.

But, there was nothing I could have done during that time.  I hadn't found this site and fully realized what was going on until around February... . wish I had found here sooner.

[trappedinlove]

Yes, the NC is really for us - a chance to, at least, be away from the conflict or drama or chaos... . enough to let us settle down and try and refocus.

That's very true.

My focus and concentration was so for crap during that time frame, I could barely get anything done or find the motivation to do things well.  I fought through the depression - but if I hadn't had her right there in my face or ear... . I may have been able to settle down sooner.

I can really relate to that. My fb addiction is part of that. Via T, I realized it's distracting me from dealing with other important roles and goals I'm challenged with like my children and my job (both are under control but deserve way more focus).

[Blimblam]

woodpose,

It feel like you are reading my mind.  I wish I had found this place sooner.

I  feel as if as the Non we bear the burden of processing all the toxic negative energy of the relationship. So when I do have any sort of contact with her even looking at her fb.  It always brings me to the position of my ego saying, "its not fair!"  Its not fair she doesn't feel or understand or take responsibility for her actions.  Its not fair she just moved on so quickly and doesn't process everything that happened. Its not fair I have to come to terms with all of this on my own with no sort of feedback in terms of empathy or a genuine apology from her to help me let go of this pain.  

For the longest time I was so confused as to how she could not comprehend what an apology entailed to be sincere.  I wrote long passages explaining it and sent links to websites with articles.  

Now that I have found out about the nature of the disorder it makes sence.  So until I have processed this pain on my own.  For which I share a responsibility for trusting and loving her and ignoring her actions and continuing to be in contact with her when she was abusive towards me. I have to process all of this  before I can be strong enough to contact her without being triggered.

Like a child she may be able to act like nothing ever happened.  But as soon as she senses any part of me still in pain I just know she will end up hurting me again.