high functioning and early red flags ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

antony_james

yes, there so many dots I could not, still can't and probably will never be able to join. This confusion is part of what happens when we become intimately involved with someone who has BPD. However, in order to detach, grieve and heal at some point we have to give up the investigation and focus on getting ourselves healthy again. That's difficult because our minds are constantly trying to make sense of what happened for final closure.

Bless up

[Lion Fire]

antony_james

yes, there so many dots I could not, still can't and probably will never be able to join. This confusion is part of what happens when we become intimately involved with someone who has BPD. However, in order to detach, grieve and heal at some point we have to give up the investigation and focus on getting ourselves healthy again. That's difficult because our minds are constantly trying to make sense of what happened for final closure.

Bless up

[Split black]

1-  Jumped right into putting me on a pedestal.  She told me after only talking to me a few times " i am glad that i have finally find you. you are my source of happiness and you make me feel special." even before the first date when we were chatting i was explaining a story where i was about to get physically hurt. she exaggerated her reaction and said "you are too good to be wasted." this was before meeting me.

2- Things moved VERY quickly and intensely. i moved in with her after a week.

3-  Things were intensely sexual.  I had never met anyone before who initiated sexual affection so strongly and so quickly.

4- long history of sexual partners including buddies and mentioning doing it in weird places like the beach and a side street.

5- sexual fantasies about me being a relative of hers. we were once going to bed to have sex and she said "can i be your mom in bed ?"      

6- Clear signs of dysfunction and up-and-down relationships with her family. she escaped her parents and her country after her divorce because they were "over protective" and she is living on tourist visas now between two countries. she has not spoken to her parents in months now. she just texts them saying that she is ok.

7- Signs of patterned behavior specially in romantic relationships.  I could tell that I moved into a role while she pushed another guy out.  And I could tell that it was the same way with the other guy... . very fast, very sexual, suddenly talking about marriage and love and forever, etc.

8- she once told me during an intimate moment "I fear on you if we left each other. I forget about people too easily." i was scared and confused at that moment but i did not comment

9- she mentioned during a drama episode that she is a miserable woman and i dont want to be with her and her childhood is traumatic and shameful. i think this was a lucid moment but also using reverse psychology to bait me.

10- Strange attention-seeking behavior. specially in groups. she liked to control where we eat, how we do something, when we do it but at the same time she was needing the attention, the approval that she is leading and in control.

11- she was a porn star in bed. she lured me back to one recycle that lasted a week after i broke up with her. she insisted that we should meet at her place cause she is not comfortable talking in public. logical argument was not on her side. she seduced me. after sex my head felt like a metal band inside with all these thoughts and confusions but i was sure at that moment that she does not know anything about love.

12- after two weeks of idealization shame, detachment, Triangulation with her last ex, belittling all typical BPD behavior during the devaluation stage kicked in.

13- one episode of crazy making, she said "you cant be with me. you are moving to work in another country soon." i said "i told you my plan. if you really want this to work you can put some effort." she said "i will not go to another country and then be left by you." i said "who says i am going to leave you ?" she shouted "i said. i know. you will like everybody else i have known in my life."

14- she had an obvious cut in her vagina

15- during luring me back for the only recycle, she said she might be pregnant. since i am familiar with her cycle i was in my head like "really ! you feel that you are pregnant after only one week of your ovulation " fear of abandonment can make wonders.

this all happened to me. now that i understand the disorder. i feel sorry for both of us not just me. i wish her well

How could I forget the strange cuts on her long legs... and the fact that she got pregnant... . and then said she had an abortion... . and then said she was pregnant two weeks later and had another abortion. She wouldn't let me go with her... . maybe she took the morning after pill... . maybe it was a total lie.

Idealization, shame, unending Triangulation, detachment, split black, recycled 4 money and sex five times in one year, demonizing, distortion and on going smear campaign... . and continued to contact probably to see if I was going to retaliate.

[goldylamont]

guys it sounds like some of the ex's behaviors are indicative of a more low-functioning pwBPD rather than a high functioning one. just wanted to point this out since the original post was regarding red flags with high functioning pwBPD. but perhaps they were high functioning, hiding this well so barely anyone else could tell? just wanted to point this out just in case 

[Red Sky]

I read something lately describing what the author called 'invisible' BPD, ie being able to hold it together very well in public or with most people but letting it all fall apart at other times, usually when with a significant other.

I can kind of understand this... . Had an ex who was uNPD and a mutual friend (whom I asked to look out for him just in case he was serious about committing suicide after our breakup) was shocked at the disparity between his perception and mine.

I wonder what it is that can cause the split between outward appearance and the displaying disordered behaviors in private. My guess is going to be that it is a trust thing. Easier to rage at someone you expect to love you unconditionally, in the way that as a child it is easy to scream 'I hate you' at your parents?

[Boss302]

Oh, I had red flags aplenty.

When I met my BPDx in 1993, she had her own place and a job she was holding on to (barely, as it turns out, but I didn't know that). She had a master's degree in social work, and all the sudden decided to drop her steady, decent paying job to go be a camp counselor for a summer. She was 28 at the time... . a bit old to be a camp counselor. While she was out of town, I found us an apartment... . that she didn't like. She also conveniently forgot to let me know that she had a $40,000 student loan outstanding that was in collections.

She required CONSTANT communications with her mother and sister, both of whom lived out of town. The phone bills were enormous (this was in the days when long distance was actually expensive).

After she came home from camp, she got a temp job being a receptionist... . with a master's degree. And then, less than a year later, she decided to take a job in Pennsylvania (we lived in St. Louis at the time). Less than two years after that, she took a job in Denver, and was fired from that job in less than a year.

So, to sum up... . less than five years into our relationship, she'd already gone through four jobs, and insisted on two cross-country relocations.

Seeing the pattern yet?

As it turns out, she was about to lose her social worker job because she was literally hated by the staff (a fact which I found out via my mother, who attended AA meetings with one of her coworkers, and wasn't revealed to me until YEARS later). She left her secretary job to take the job in Pennsylvania, and left that to take her job in Pennsylvania, which she was about to be fired from when she found the next job in Denver. She got fired from the job in Denver. That was late 1996. From then until 2006, the last job she actually had, she got fired from three other jobs.

The moves and job changes were all part of her inability to keep stable relationships, and relocating me out of St. Louis was done to cut me off from my family and support system (my dad was onto her from day one, as it turns out - his sister may have been BPD). The constant communications with her sister and mother - and I believe her sister is also borderline - was about emotional enmeshment. One week she was best friends with her sister, the next they were mortal enemies. That was about painting her sister black.

Yes, I had hints.

[Split black]

Oh, I had red flags aplenty.

The constant communications with her sister and mother - and I believe her sister is also borderline - was about emotional enmeshment. One week she was best friends with her sister, the next they were mortal enemies. That was about painting her sister black.

Yes, I had hints.

Mine was adopted... . so was her sister. Her sister was adopted at 2 and she was adopted at 7. Why did they wait so long? She tracked her BPD birth mother down, who asks her for money all the time. I saw it on her FB. She showed me. I explained that she needs to cut that cord and shes being used. Who knows... . She has these family dinners that she always leaves in tears... . they threw her out. Her reasons make no sense. I got her an apt so she could leave her exes ( who she is now back with for the 20th time ) Shes 26. ( Im much older ) She didnt speak to her sister for two years, says her sister would bang her boyfriends behind her back. Im thinking thats a lie. Probably the opposite.

There must be a template for them... . all so damn similar its unreal.

[Arminius]

I read somewhere that high or low can display attributes of the opposite type too.

[Sgt Biggs]

Instant red flags for me (3 month relationship):

1. Initiated contact on dating site, wanted to meet up that night.

2. First date (next day) told me of past abusive relationships, had 3 children to 2 fathers, was the victim and told me she'd been through a lot.

3. Unprotected sex on second date (yes silly me)

4. In love within a couple of weeks, talk of marriage growing old together etc.

5. Within a month confessed fear of abandonment and her fear I would return to my ex who I share a child with.

6. Would leave during the night over some perceived slight.

7. Later found out she was in love 6 weeks before we met.

8. Tried projecting promiscuous behaviour onto me, attempted to convince me I couldn't control myself.

9. Lies, different versions of the same story.

10. Later found out, she was in a relationship that ended with the guy descending into alcoholism and trying to take his own life. He was a neighbour of hers while she was with one of the fathers.

11. No career direction, was looking into veterinary nursing then about

faced to take up studying law.

12. Bad FOO, parents fought constantly, father went from job to job and constantly needed to be the center of attention (well so I was told).

He has since found god.   

13. Phone constantly going, text messages from other guys.

I could go on with specific details, it was all there and more, I just wanted to believe in the fairy tale and had no idea about BPD.

If I had of known what I know now I would have been on high alert from the first contact and would have walked after the first date.

I hope I'm educated enough to see it in the future but also hope I'm not to burnt to give the benefit of the doubt. Time will tell I guess.   

[Split black]

Every post I read could be my ex. All these posts are different versions of the same exact girl. Its just unbelievable.

[JackBlacknBlue]

My friend is very high functioning upwBPD.  She is an exec in Fortune 500 company.  There were red flags from start but I didn't know about BPD to know what the red flags were indicative of.  I kept trying to reconcile the cognitive dissonance between what was happening and my own belief system.

She pursued me as a friend in a very intense way, unlike anything I had ever experienced before.  That was initially very strange to me and my Spidey sense went off, but I got sucked in by the idealization. She didn't tell me she was married for a year into our 'friendship' and when it came up that she was separated, she said that she and her no ex might still get back together. 

She asked favors of me that didn't really make sense as to why she needed the favors but I thought 'friends help friends' and I did them anyway.  She plays the waif and would ask many people to do favors and would share stories of her troubles with many people.  She would tell me problem she was having and ask me to keep it in confidence and then I would find out that she had done the same thing with 3-4 other people with the same story.  She lied and kept things from people and when I questioned why she was keeping inconsequential things from people, she would say it is hard to explain. 

I knew something wasn't quite right from the start, but I didn't know how wrong it was going to be until the rage, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, emotional cut downs started. 

[bruised]

She pursued me as a friend in a very intense way, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. ... .

She asked favors of me that didn't really make sense as to why she needed the favors but I thought 'friends help friends' and I did them anyway.

This is similar to my experience with my uBPD ex-friend. She was very affectionate and 'hands on'. She would isolate me from the other guests at social gatherings. She sometimes flirted with me. She laughed at all my jokes and hung on my words. She is very pretty. It was VERY flattering. So I got hooked. As soon as she realised this she started the push/pull.

I got the unreasonable requests for favours too. I was upset about being (ab)used this way. I'm pretty sure she was testing to see how far I would go for her. I didn't do the favours. I had enough self-respect left to deflect the requests.

I don't know if she has BPD or just a nasty, manipulative b*tch. Either way I'm rid of her. I still see her regularly, but I told her we can't be friends. It's difficult (but getting easier with time), but it's way better than being her plaything.

[JackBlacknBlue]

She pursued me as a friend in a very intense way, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. ... .

She asked favors of me that didn't really make sense as to why she needed the favors but I thought 'friends help friends' and I did them anyway.

This is similar to my experience with my uBPD ex-friend. She was very affectionate and 'hands on'. She would isolate me from the other guests at social gatherings. She sometimes flirted with me. She laughed at all my jokes and hung on my words. She is very pretty. It was VERY flattering. So I got hooked. As soon as she realised this she started the push/pull.

I got the unreasonable requests for favours too. I was upset about being (ab)used this way. I'm pretty sure she was testing to see how far I would go for her. I didn't do the favours. I had enough self-respect left to deflect the requests.

I don't know if she has BPD or just a nasty, manipulative b*tch. Either way I'm rid of her. I still see her regularly, but I told her we can't be friends. It's difficult (but getting easier with time), but it's way better than being her plaything.

Maybe the same person has affected us both.