some insights and tips

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i have been in NC for nearly 3 months now.

the mood swings for me is become less and lesser by time. I can  not remember what i was doing during the first few days after separation cause feelings where overwhelming (i have ptsd). I am still going through the healing and detachment phase, i do not know when i will be all good again as it is not a linear process. here are some insights and tips for healing:

1- when i think of number one, i feel that i should put the most important thing first. it is to stay in no contact with ur ex whatever the situation is. whatever u feel and how strong it is. just hang on and by time the urge to contact will get less and less

2- I obsessed over the diagnosis of my ex so that i would feel i am the ok one why ? because they project and introject on you. they make you feel like you are the crazy one. they do not give you any closure (because they cant accept the chance to feel any flaw of themselves) and that make you think that you did a very unforgivable obvious act that made it end though they are the ones with all the crazy making during the relationship. you reading this on this forum is not a coincidence. you being here is because your ex is borderline. in the best scenario, he\she has a cluster B disorder.

3- in a later phase, you will be confident that your ex is a BPD. you will then over analyze every situation during the relationship. it is good to analyze but do not get stuck on this for long. it will overwhelm you. just take the suitable time to process this and move on to work on YOURSELF.

4- you will cycle through anger, despair, guilt, shame. it is normal. sometimes it is normal to feel more than one feeling at the same time. do not repress your feelings. feeling your feelings now is building your strength and wisdom later on.

5- you might be trapped by yourself with the idea that you are in "no contact" with your ex but deep inside you are giving silent treatment to your ex. it does not work like this cause their wiring is not like us. out of sight is out of mind for them. you will get a lot of steps back into your healing phase when you come to realize that you have been having this atomic hope that he\she might see the light and get back due to that "your love" to her is missing cause she did not love you. during the idealization phase BPDs emotions are real (just as much real as during the devaluation) she really loved you but not because of your person, it is because of how you make them feel. you distract them from their chronic agony and pain and emptiness.

6- avoid heavy drinking and lots of coffee. get some adequate sleep during the night. If you are alone go out even by yourself to a sunny place. you can not imagine how much these things appear smal but they do differ.

7- it is ok to think about your ex. do not fight the urge. think about him\her. but always remember to remember the bad incidents. our minds always tend to idealize your past.

8- do not compare your life with your ex's life now. he\she might be out having the time of their life and appear happy with your replacement. but i bet that you know more about BPD and how this is short lived. you on the other hand, have the ability to process the feelings and emotions (even if they are bad) heal and grow with more experience and wisdom and trust me you will be happy again. you will find a true love one day. you will be able to maintain a relationship one day cause you do not have the fear of abandonment or attachment.

9- go to a therapist it helps. also stick to your close friends.

10- find hobbies and passion specially the ones that your ex isolated you from cause they know that you really enjoy them and they can take up your time.

11- use this forum in a balanced way. do not obsess about reading every single thread and have some time to rest mentally for processing the new information, thoughts and feelings.

12- be kind to yourself even if you screwed up after knowing about BPD. if you went for a recycle then you are more sure now that it will never work. the feelings are worse but the experience is much bigger.

[antjs]

i have been in NC for nearly 3 months now.

the mood swings for me is become less and lesser by time. I can  not remember what i was doing during the first few days after separation cause feelings where overwhelming (i have ptsd). I am still going through the healing and detachment phase, i do not know when i will be all good again as it is not a linear process. here are some insights and tips for healing:

1- when i think of number one, i feel that i should put the most important thing first. it is to stay in no contact with ur ex whatever the situation is. whatever u feel and how strong it is. just hang on and by time the urge to contact will get less and less

2- I obsessed over the diagnosis of my ex so that i would feel i am the ok one why ? because they project and introject on you. they make you feel like you are the crazy one. they do not give you any closure (because they cant accept the chance to feel any flaw of themselves) and that make you think that you did a very unforgivable obvious act that made it end though they are the ones with all the crazy making during the relationship. you reading this on this forum is not a coincidence. you being here is because your ex is borderline. in the best scenario, he\she has a cluster B disorder.

3- in a later phase, you will be confident that your ex is a BPD. you will then over analyze every situation during the relationship. it is good to analyze but do not get stuck on this for long. it will overwhelm you. just take the suitable time to process this and move on to work on YOURSELF.

4- you will cycle through anger, despair, guilt, shame. it is normal. sometimes it is normal to feel more than one feeling at the same time. do not repress your feelings. feeling your feelings now is building your strength and wisdom later on.

5- you might be trapped by yourself with the idea that you are in "no contact" with your ex but deep inside you are giving silent treatment to your ex. it does not work like this cause their wiring is not like us. out of sight is out of mind for them. you will get a lot of steps back into your healing phase when you come to realize that you have been having this atomic hope that he\she might see the light and get back due to that "your love" to her is missing cause she did not love you. during the idealization phase BPDs emotions are real (just as much real as during the devaluation) she really loved you but not because of your person, it is because of how you make them feel. you distract them from their chronic agony and pain and emptiness.

6- avoid heavy drinking and lots of coffee. get some adequate sleep during the night. If you are alone go out even by yourself to a sunny place. you can not imagine how much these things appear smal but they do differ.

7- it is ok to think about your ex. do not fight the urge. think about him\her. but always remember to remember the bad incidents. our minds always tend to idealize your past.

8- do not compare your life with your ex's life now. he\she might be out having the time of their life and appear happy with your replacement. but i bet that you know more about BPD and how this is short lived. you on the other hand, have the ability to process the feelings and emotions (even if they are bad) heal and grow with more experience and wisdom and trust me you will be happy again. you will find a true love one day. you will be able to maintain a relationship one day cause you do not have the fear of abandonment or attachment.

9- go to a therapist it helps. also stick to your close friends.

10- find hobbies and passion specially the ones that your ex isolated you from cause they know that you really enjoy them and they can take up your time.

11- use this forum in a balanced way. do not obsess about reading every single thread and have some time to rest mentally for processing the new information, thoughts and feelings.

12- be kind to yourself even if you screwed up after knowing about BPD. if you went for a recycle then you are more sure now that it will never work. the feelings are worse but the experience is much bigger.

[antjs]

13- rhis also important. Always pur in mind that u r getting over a disorder not just a person. It is har to acknowledge but u have to as it makes the healing process easier.

[AwakenedOne]

she really loved you but not because of your person, it is because of how you make them feel. you distract them from their chronic agony and pain and emptiness.

This is the most insightful comment I have ever read at this site. This statement is the key to understanding it all.

It is the unfortunate truth. Very painful to accept though. Accepting this is the key to detaching.

[BacknthSaddle]

she really loved you but not because of your person, it is because of how you make them feel. you distract them from their chronic agony and pain and emptiness.

This is the most insightful comment I have ever read at this site. This statement is the key to understanding it all.

It is the unfortunate truth. Very painful to accept though. Accepting this is the key to detaching.

Agree completely. When I stop thinking about all the details of the r/a, who said what when etc, and just think "when did I start distracting from the pain," "when did I start failing to distract from the pain," and "when did I become part of the pain," the whole trajectory makes a lot more sense.

[BorisAcusio]

she really loved you but not because of your person, it is because of how you make them feel. you distract them from their chronic agony and pain and emptiness.

This is the most insightful comment I have ever read at this site. This statement is the key to understanding it all.

It is the unfortunate truth. Very painful to accept though. Accepting this is the key to detaching.

As others said, really great insights, especially this one. At the end of the day, it's just need gratification.

[AwakenedOne]

she really loved you but not because of your person, it is because of how you make them feel. you distract them from their chronic agony and pain and emptiness.

This is the most insightful comment I have ever read at this site. This statement is the key to understanding it all.

It is the unfortunate truth. Very painful to accept though. Accepting this is the key to detaching.

As others said, really great insights, especially this one. At the end of the day, it's just need gratification.

Since I (AO), as a person was not loved by her that would explain the following:

1. Being referred to by her often as "The one who will bring her the baby"

2. She loved that I made her laugh. This equals she enjoyed hearing the comedy talking robot tell the jokes. She loved the laughter that she enjoyed out of the comedy talking robots mouth. Not the person. Big difference.

3. When the one who was appointed by her to be in charge of quenching her needs (AO) didn't quench all of them then naturally that explains that I was being let go to find a another one to quench them. This is a supported by her saying to me constantly "I know I am very selfish".

4. No remembrance of important milestones and special moments as a couple. The reason for this is they are not special moments as a couple with more than one person who really matters to her. Being married isn't a special moment. It's being legally tied to "the one who will bring the baby" and "the one who will give me all I want". The only real remembrance of any great times or fun is = she had fun. I supplied the fun. It wasn't her thinking she is having fun with her loved one (AO). (AO) is an object. "The robot gave me a fun time" "I love the fun time the robot gave me". All I was to her - a talking comedy robot.

5. In her eyes she married a robot that miraculously still could be a sperm donor for her baby and would allow her to have all her dreams come true and give everything to her as she wants it.

6. She took the battery pack out of the robot and then threw it in the dumpster and didn't look back.

LongGoneEx (a member) wrote a very insightful post a month or so ago about this very subject. The gist of it was that we were not loved in any vaguely semi normal way and if we accept this fact it is easier to move on. Nothing is easy, but it is easier.

[FreeMeGal]

Thanks so much for posting this! I am new here (and in fact just posted my story on the new member forum).

I've been thinking of the break up for a while. It's been extremely painful just to think about, and I haven't even done it yet!

The things you said really clicked with me. I'm sure I'll be referring back to your post many times!

Thanks again. Take care.

[bruised]

... . she really loved you but not because of your person, it is because of how you make them feel. you distract them from their chronic agony and pain and emptiness.

I agree with the others- this is a very insightful comment. Friends and work colleagues tell me I have a great sense of humour. I certainly made my uBPD ex-friend laugh a lot when we were together. In light of your comment, I now feel the laughter was distracting her from her inner-pain. When I started to develop feelings for her I became more serious with her and that's when she started pushing me away. I was of no use to her anymore. In fact, I became a source of pain, not a relief from it. How sad for both of us.