Dealing with her manipulating others

[OutOfEgypt]

My uBPD ex wife is a master at controlling others and gaining attention for herself.  I also have some reason to believe that, in spite of her "sweet" guise toward me, she lies about me to alienate me from people.  Some of these people are friends or family.

So what I want to know is... . How do you deal with all the manipulation?  It's like I become paranoid and don't know who I can trust, so I just back away from almost all relationships that she has her hand in also.  Examples... . my step-son (her son), the mom of our grandbaby, etc.  Sometimes, I don't know how much *is* paranoia and how much isn't.  Sometimes I see people who tell me they know she's "crazy", and then months later all their mail is being forwarded to her address and she is planning parties and acting as their "spokseperson" about all that is going on in their life.

I mean, I just cut off anybody she has a relationship with, too, who seems to be "in her pocket," but that seems a bit harsh.  How do you deal with it?  Is there an article somewhere that I am missing?

[mywifecrazy]

I felt the same way you do now.

My uBPDxw told horrible lies about me to family and friends. I was very paranoid as I wondered: Did she tell,people at church? Did she tell my neighbors? Did she tell kids teachers? Etc, etc. I was so stressed that I was about to contact everyone we knew at church, all our neighbors, etc to CLEAR MY NAME.

What a stressful situation I was in, I was going crazy. I've come to realize that the people that know you and are TRUE FRIENDS will not believe the lies and as a bare minimum will confront you with what they heard so you can set them straight. And if other people out there believe her lies ... . SO WHAT. You know who you are! You're not what she says in her lies.

Don't let it get you down because if you do you're only letting her CONTROL YOU and that's no way to live!

[AwakenedOne]

My wife did this during the "marriage" and after our split. I cut ties with everybody. Just deal with the friends you know you can trust for sure and the others get rid of or just be yourself and let them think whatever they want and don't sweat it is my kind advice. If your ex wife is anything like mine, just assume she has told everybody that you are the devil. Probably even told Fluffy the cat this. Just be nice and they will know she's a loon eventually more than likely.

[Red Sky]

Horribly frustrating. I am sorry you have to deal with the manipulation of people you care about; for me, I have cut off our mutual friends, and whilst I am sorry to lose them, I reckon that they are not so important that I can't lose them.

Unfortunately we can't control others' actions, only our own. I like AO's comment about being nice and the truth coming through eventually... .

[talithacumi]

Sometimes I see people who tell me they know she's "crazy", and then months later all their mail is being forwarded to her address and she is planning parties and acting as their "spokseperson" about all that is going on in their life.

OOE (I just love the way your name abbreviates!),

You're just one of MANY people who are attracted, attractive to, and capable of having a relationship with a pwBPD because of the way you respond/react to their behavior.

As charming, sweet, beguiling. and truly wonderful as pwBPD can be at times - when you get right down to it - I think a lot of what we end up feeling is afraid of them. Afraid of hurting them, making them sad, disappointing them, confusing them, causing them any kind of physical or emotional discomfort. Afraid of how they'll react, what they'll say/do, and how that will make us feel.

Hard to say which is worse: getting raged at, or being waifed. My mom did the former - my ex, the latter. All I know is that both were VERY effective at getting me to walk on eggshells, and say/do whatever they needed/wanted/expected/demanded in order to make them "happy."

Will say, because of my mom, I was/am very sensitive to being treated this way. Working on NOT being that way anymore, but it's a struggle - and a really disturbing one for me at that!

You've been there/done that. Gotta understand/forgive all the other people in her life who are still there/still doing that themselves - and let it go. It's not about you. It's about her, and making her happy. Regardless of how it might appear, I doubt anyone's feelings for/opinions about you have changed as a result of anything she might say - except, perhaps, for the better - because you've shown the strength/courage to walk away.

Rest easy in who/what you are, OOE - and find friends/companionship with others who have the natural good sense/ability to not get involved with these kind of people in the first place.

- TC

[OutOfEgypt]

Thank you for your replies.  The difficulty arises in that the people who get swept up into her b/s are people that I care about.  So, while in many cases I can brush it off and say, "SO WHAT if they buy her lies and her manipulation and attention-seeking," but with some others it is very painful because it's a loss.  It's a loss of relationship, a loss of potential with someone who is going to be close relationally whether I like it or not... . like the mother of my grandbaby (man, I'm too young to be a grampa!).  However, I do agree that 1) it is not in my control and is therefore only self-destructive to pine over, 2) most people (and the people who I can really move forward in life with) will see things as they are, and 3) if it took me so long to see through the haze, then I need to chillax a bit and be patient with others.

I think of the mom's in our youngest daugther's class.  I never said anything to them about my ex.  And yet most of them have come to the conclusion, just by their own perceptions, that there is something seriously off about her.

Talithacumi... . yup, I was raged at, belittled, and waifed, too.  All such wonderful tools to destroy you with, aren't they?  The bottom line is that while she may be able to wrap her tentacles around some, I am, as an autonomous person, free from her and free to forge my own life, which I am thankfully doing.  I can stick with those who stick with me, I can be a great dad to my girls, I can even be there in some capacity for her son, knowing that in time he will probably come around... . or any other family members who are duped at the moment.  

I just pray that I will be able to move through the pain and my rage against the sense of control she has on my life.  That is the hardest thing for me... . I feel like if God won't stop it I just want to demand that He does or quit life and fall into a self-destructive hole.

[OutOfEgypt]

Regardless of how it might appear, I doubt anyone's feelings for/opinions about you have changed as a result of anything she might say - except, perhaps, for the better - because you've shown the strength/courage to walk away.

That is awesome.  Thank you!

[Should I stay or...]

Hey man,

Cream rises to the top!

I had wondered after my divorce what our mutual friends thought of our break up ... . who was the problem, who was the one with issues, what the teachers believed... . years later it doesn't matter what another may think. The truth is within ourselves, we are the truth because they are living a lie. And, no matter what others may think, it truly doesn't matter.

To thy own self be true. You are truth and she's isn't. If they believe her truth it's temporary and fragile and has an end point. It will not stand the depths of time. I've come to find out years later that they saw through her fog and knew all along. So, don't fret my friend, they may already know or they will within time.

[OutOfEgypt]

Thanks everone who replied.  And you are right.

There is nothing I can do about my ex's dynamic.  She's going to be doing that kind of thing for the rest of her life.  At this point, this is about me... . accepting that and letting go of her.  My T was helpful yesterday.  Said I'm like an alcoholic, and I ought to look at it like an addiction.  Granted, everything about my ex's dynamic is designed to gather people to revolve around and be obsessed with her, even if it is merely to hate her, so my task is not easy.  But it/she is something I need to let go of one-day-at-a-time.

[OutOfEgypt]

Every time I get caught up in what she thinks, was thinking, or was motivated by, I'm taking a sip from the bottle

Every time I burn and endlessly perseverate over the things she does, such as how she manipulates, I'm taking a sip from the bottle

Every time I get caught up in playing her game (and especially if I'm actually trying to beat her at it), I'm taking a sip from the bottle

And really, in that regard I can see how in many ways my posting in this online group has fed the addiction -giving me a platform through which to essentially drown myself in thoughts about my BPD ex.  There has been benefit, too, for sure -definitely a lot of helpful tools, great support from great people, and a TON of validation for my perceptions and feelings as I read the horrific stories of others... . which is totally invaluable.  But I need to watch it.