Broke NC via Email ; get so frustrated and PTSD sets in ASAP.

[Artisan]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am literally yelling at the walls here ... . I am so pissed off !

I just don't get the communication style ... . Please help me understand !

There is a lot of drama here ... . perhaps you want to read it all, perhaps not ... . maybe you can relate, maybe not ... . I know that I come across really bad, I am just so furious and I explain why.

Emails Follow, with my comments in between the *****'s :

It starts with :

Her:

www.themindunleashed.org/2014/06/16-reasons-daily-sex.html

This is my kind of article and part of why I always made sexual intimacy central to our relating. You don't know how much I miss this with you. Just sitting down for a moment before making dinner for the kids. I'll respond to the last articles later tonight. Busy, busy day! How are you doing? <3

ME :

One of my favorite parts of our relationship and amazingly difficult to surrender.

Sensuality, sex and affection are divine when feeling secure, safe, heard, seen, respected, loved, appreciated and at peace.

Sex does not bring peace to a relationship.

Our foundation has serious cracks.

HER :

I never said that sex brings peace to a relationship. I was relating to the article and sharing based on my personal feelings about intimacy and the act of sharing intimately with a partner and the bonds that are created energetically, as well as physically. Just like a baby that's held everyday and carried by the mother and nursed. That baby will have an entirely different perspective on the world than a baby with no human contact. This is attachment theory. Mary Ainsworth expanded on the work of John Bowlby. This is why I breast fed both of my children and never left them with assorted caregivers. I do think that sex between committed partners can heal the soul and a relationship. I do think that touch can heal. Hugs heal. Massage heals. With no words at all. Simply touch and intent.

ME:

So we had that ; why why why was our relationship in so much chaos.

HER:

She sends a meme about how love cures all wounds.

ME:

Even as we added more love, the dynamic continued to spiral ... . it was like pouring water into a black hole.

Somewhere, something had to change, and it wasn't.

I really don't get it.

"... . I always made sexual intimacy central to our relating"

Emotional intimacy, trust, respect, communication ... . THOSE are central to a successful relationship.

And from that, the sexual aspect blossoms and deepens.

This is where I get triggered ... .

HER:

Maybe it was one sided, but I felt that with you. I can't change the negative perceptions that you have of our relationship. If I can't offer you this list of requirements that you keep emphasizing then I understand why you pull away. I agree that these aspects are vital to all relationships whether friendship or romantic. Sex is powerful and will transform these friendship qualities you mentioned into a more complex attachment that pulls at our deepest and darkest kept secrets about ourselves that even we don't know. Scorpio, 8th house issues.

**** Your thoughts on this would be appreciated ... . to me it felt passive aggressive, I felt hurt. ******

ME :

List of requirements  ?

like respect ? listening ? trust ? communication  ? security ? is that unreasonable ?

Maybe all that love was one sided, and I felt it with you as well. So, I don't know what you mean when you say that.

All I got was a message that you never felt safe with me.

Not sure how you could feel love with me if you don't feel safe with me.

I don't know how you could love me when you weren't respecting me, and putting me down as a man.

I don't know how you could love me when I share my feelings and you tell me I am wrong, crazy, broken, abusive, lying and manipulative.

What kind of foundation did we have to work with ?

I don't believe you loved ME, you loved the idea of me and never saw me.

When I express myself ... . I don't see you listening, responding to what i say ... . I hear you defending yourself, putting me down, making me wrong ... .

I've not heard you accept responsibility for YOUR part (and I am not blaming you for everything, I just want you to own your part and stop making me wrong when I share where I feel disconnected and confused.)

I've not heard an apology. I want an explanation. I want to understand.

At this point, I question if you actually loved me, or if I was some patsy to satisfy your attachment needs and sexual impulses ... . some type of emotional & spiritual drug.

I am SO ___ING ANGRY.

I wish I had NEVER opened my heart up to you. 

***** That was unkind of me, I was becoming angrier and angrier ... . and it is also true, I'd rather have avoided the pain that I am experiencing and the confusion of her false accusations, telling me she hates me and that I am perfect, etc etc **

HER :

I have apologized. I have explained and I have listened. I have taken responsibility. I really don't know what you want from me. I feel like you're asking for something beyond what I can comprehend. At this point, the only thing left is to let it go and just plain love without all the baggage from the past. Truly forgiving and erasing the hurts with love. It really is that simple. We have a choice in life to cling to a list of justice and injustice or a tally sheet of keeping things balanced like a check book. Or, just opening the heart and truly loving the other person. That is the basis of a healthy long lasting lifetime partnership.

**** She is accurate in this, in my opinion *****

ME :

Yes, the only choice is to let it go. *** What I am saying is ... . yes, the only choice is to let YOU go... . ****

HER :

Well now, that's your perspective on life and on me. It has nothing to do with who I am and how I interacted with you. Your reaction is your reaction. I hope you eventually understand true love and true forgiveness. Maybe one day you'll understand me. Obviously, you appear to strongly dislike me and have no respect for me at all. I will not participate in this kind of interaction. I have a huge loving heart and I gave it to you. I don't deserve being seen the way you see me. I wish to be seen and loved, forgiven and cherished in all circumstances.

**** To me, she is asking for permission to walk all over me (or somebody) and never be held accountable. *****

ME :

Because, according to our experiences, we go through some cycle where things get better and then bolt of emotional anarchy strikes from a clear blue sky and leaves my nerves zapped !

I don't know what I do that is so wrong that I needed to be screamed at, put down, humiliated, falsely accused.

I am sitting here shaking, having problems breathing and am SWEATING though it is 68 degrees here.

HER :

OK Artisan, so if I'm so toxic to you then stop talking to me. If you don't like me and feel that I hurt you so much then why do you keep communicating?

ME :

Because I want to know that you didn't hate me.

I seriously am unable to wrap my mind around the words and behavior.

The awesome aspects of our relationship ... . exactly what I had wished for.

The rest of it ?

Nobody in my whole life has hurt me so deeply.

You hate me.

That is the only thing I can make sense of.

Or, you hate you, you hate your mom, you hate your dad ... . and you loved me to the same depth you can love yourself.

When Sam helps you move ; don't put him down like you did me.

It was really ___ty to put me down for being there for you and supporting you.

Your hypocrisy really pisses me off.

**** THAT WAS ME BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AND ANGRY b/c she is dating a new guy, she denies it, and tells me that I am a liar, manipulator, and hiding things. She kept accusing me of wanting to be with other people, and she IS with another person. That was me still feeling hurt b/c I helped her move TWICE in one month and she screamed at me for helping, saying that any guy would help her and that my assistance meant nothing ! ****


***** when I am unable to openly communicate my feelings, I get passive aggressive ... . when I don't feel heard or seen, when I openly communicate and its constantly questioned or demeaned ... . so, there is a great deal of frustration here ... . *****


HER :

I have told you a bazillion times that I love you and that you are the most intimate partner I've ever had in my life. I've told you that I was intoxicated when I said certain words and that I was purging Sean and my frustrations with him. I was so patient with you and always tried to express myself in the gentlest way at first. I have learned boundaries and that I need to be more concrete with people. I'm too soft and lenient with people and then they don't hear me, ignore me, do whatever they want, walk all over me and I end up blowing up at the end and looking like an ass. That's not the whole picture. I've learned to be a bit more hardened. I'm naturally soft and accommodating and adaptable to people's needs. It can get me in trouble. I'm sorry that I screwed up. For more than 90% of our relationship together I treated you like the King that you are. I wish you could have seen that and focused on that.

**** So much in here that makes me squirm. ********


ME :

Purging by taking it out on me and using me like an emotional toilet bowl.

I didn't walk all over you. I listened to you. I responded to you. I did my best to give you everything you asked for.

You falsely accused me of cheating and wanting to cheat WITHIN THREE DAYS OF MY MOVING IN ... . that was not fair ... . there was no real communication

I hadn't even done anything except move in with you.

You didn't express to me that you felt uncomfortable, you just took it out on me and beat me into submission.

HER :

Whatever Keith, I don't know what to tell you. I didn't view events like this and there are other reasons that things happened in the first few days. I won't go into that again. It doesn't seem to help to explain my side of events to you. The anger you express to me is pure hatred.

Do you get angry with people you have loved often? You spoke terribly about past girlfriends when I met you. Now I know to look out for people who speak negatively about past relationships. It says more about them than their past loves. I really strongly believe that you have carried this anger that you're expressing towards me for a long, long time. I am but a catalyst for the purging of anger. This long held anger is part of what created problems with us.

**** the hatred word is a massive trigger for me ... . she is the only person / lover / partner in my whole life that has said they hate me *****

ME :

I spoke both positive and negative about my past relationships ; and when I shared the positive you'd put me down for it.

When I shared the positive, you'd compare yourself to that and think you weren't good enough ... . geez.

Now you are putting me down for sharing the shadow as well.

Thanks for blaming me, its my anger ... . its all my fault.

As usual, the defense reactions from you ... . predictable.

*** my responses are just as predictable ... . same old song and dance ****

*** THIS IS THE POINT I LOSE IT EMOTIONALLY. So much built up resentment, rage and confusion. ****

YOU ___ING HATE ME AND NEVER LOVED ME.

HER :

No matter what I say with you I'm doomed. You just can't accept me as me.

This is your mind talking and not me.

ME :

Its my rage talking...

My rage at being humiliated ... . Put down ... . falsely accused ... . Not listened too ... . gaslighting ... . at your hypocrisy ... . how you denigrated my efforts and involvement ... .

And yes, I do have old wounds ; you didn't see me taking them out on you did you ?

Did I sit there and accuse you of cheating or wanting to cheat ? I HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON ... . I have more cause to feel insecure about that than you ... . And I only trusted you.

When you trust and respect somebody, you don't make up stories and beat the living spirit out of them...

HER :

You are taking out your old wounds out on me now and you did take out your old wounds out on me through leaving over and over again.

ME :

You are the only person I left over and over again.

Exactly how is that old wounds ? Smacks of new ones to me.

You were constantly accusing me of nothing! And then beating me up for it !

Why ?

Why would you expect ANYBODY to stay in that scenario ? It is unreasonable.

I am a healthy and whole person ... . so I responded as any healthy person would do.

The only thing I can make sense of in regards to your behavior is that you were so frightened of losing me that ANYTHING you FELT was a threat needed to be controlled ... . doesn't matter if the feeling had a real basis in fact.

HER :

Where are we going with this? You obviously do not like me. Why keep doing this?

***** WHY THE HELL DID SHE SEND ME AN EMAIL? *************

ME :

I LIKE YOU AND I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO ANGRY AT OUR DYNAMIC AND THE DEATH OF A DREAM.

HER :

OK, at least I now know that you've given up hope and have disengaged from me.

ME :

You started dating ; after all your accusations ... . total projection ... .

HER :

I DID NOT START DATING! I AM NOT DATING!

**** her date posted photo's of the two of them on FB , she insists he is just a 'friend' yet if I even mentioned a woman she'd accuse me of wanting to f* her, or if any woman ever gave me a hug or talked to me ... . you guessed it ... . I wanted to f* her ... . she yelled at me for having female friends on facebook or making comments to their jokes or talking about common interests ****

... .

At this point, I walk away.

I waste three hours of my day in this exchange, and get on the board.

I am shaking, angry, having problems breathing ... . and wanting a good drink.

Instead, I will go outside, walk, and go to band practice in a couple of hours.

[Blimblam]

I am having ptsd right this moment from my own uBPD ex situation.  You are not alone.

I broke NC and only got a "? I don't know I don't remember"

no matter what the response it is devaluing when breaking NC.  Unless you can manage to contain everything all the hurt and distract them like a dancing monkey again.

[seeking balance]

The only way to avoid being blown up is to stop going into the mine field until you have the proper protection and tools to avoid it.

Artisan - I know you are struggling and I wish you didn't have to.  At some point, I had to accept my own limitations in order to heal... . pain seems to be the common motivator for most of us to change I am afraid to say.

Peace,

SB

[Artisan]

Pretty sure that Buddha said something along the lines that suffering is the beginning of wisdom ... .

I never wanted to be wise !

[Blimblam]

Artisan,

man this reminds me of my own situation.  Their is truth in their words though. They have this ability to let go of guilt for the things they did and provide no closure or adequate reconciliation for the ways they hurt us.  They leave us one option and that's to leave and not look back I guess.  THe FOG keeps us attached.  And its a dance of insanity to try to show them how to give a proper apology and how to move foreward and maintain a connection.  Us nons are left to process all of the pain and the acknowledgement of that is something Ill never get I guess.  Made to feel like the badguy for feeling the normal feelings one would for being treated in this way.  I guess we can only look at ourselves and ask Why do I think things will be any different this time when contacting them? 

We know too much and they already have someone or many lined up to be new and fresh without the drama they created to face.  WHy cant we just let it go the way they can?  It is so not fair!  but fairness and equity are too logical for the disorder.  The disorder does not care about fair.  It cares about self preservation I suppose.  The disorder laughs at us as we self destruct perhaps even has pity on us.  Us for being concerned with such "trivial" matters of fairness mutual respect and equity, to the disorder this is weakness to be exploited. Unless you can not feel like a sociopath or never fell in any kind of love expecting reciprocity it seems like an exercise of futility that will only drive one insane.  For sanities sake I only see one option. 

[AG]

That chick seems dangerous. If that is word for word she is very very and I mean very clever with her manipulation. The whole conversation she seems to be manipulating. Never really addressing what your upset about directly and dancing around it but effectively placing the blame and guilt back on you. I bet you within that conversation your left thinking maybe she's right or something like that right? I probably would as well. I would go with your guy though. I ignored mine plenty of times and got F****** for doing so. To be honest though she could be way nastier and colder. Mine would have just blocked me and ran away or something like that.

[Witchway]

Hi Artisan,

I so identify with your confusion and frustration in this situation. I've had more verbal exchanges like this than I care to remember. All in an attempt to make sense of the situation, elicit an apology for their behaviour or for the ex to see my perspective. Always chasing my tail. In hindsight I may just have well banged my head on the wall.

My ex was incapable of taking responsibility for his own behaviour and this will continue unless he is willing to seek some serious help. On the odd occasion I did receive an apology (always in a recycle attempt) it would soon be flipped back against me.

My healing came from accepting my ex has a serious mental disorder. That is the closure for me. To me it is now pointless asking any questions concerning the relationship, things said and actions. The way forward for me is to look at myself and my issues... . Co-dependency. I have to work on myself, let all the trauma and negative feelings go and learn from the experience to the best of my ability. I do not want a repeat relationship like this one !

Sorry I can't give any more advice than that.

Take care of yourself.

Ww

[antjs]

I feel like you're asking for something beyond what I can comprehend.

she gave you the answer. she can not process these types of feelings that you want her to acknowledge them. its a self defensive mechanism by the disorder. remember you are dealing with a disorder more than a person and the first line of defense for this disorder is the denial of its existence. its like the psychological AIDS i am not there until 10 years later i am f*king up your life.

[antjs]

My healing came from accepting my ex has a serious mental disorder. That is the closure for me. To me it is now pointless asking any questions concerning the relationship, things said and actions.

thank you.

[iluminati]

I think that Seeking Balance has the right idea.  You have to learn to just pull the plug.  Unless you have kids or some other legal or business interest, you shouldn't be talking to your ex.  Even then, try to keep it to the bare facts.  Don't get sucked in again.

[jibber]

I simply would like to add that i also had a million discussions and email exchanges with my ex, exactly like this. I read your whole post... . I can relate so much to the dynamic.

I can imagine how you feel in this moment... . I can understand you lost control yourself, i did too so many times in the end.

I don't have much else to say... . Just i can relate, very very much... .

Take care of yourself.

[jibber]

PS: I think SB, AG and WitchWay raise very good points. Needed to read that for myself too.

[Artisan]

So many great responses, thank you.

It hurts to think that the only way to work with this is to completely sever communication.

She sent this to me today :

"Well, I did tell you thank you everyday. I just told you thank you and expressed appreciation in the last message. That's my nature. I believe strongly in praise and the power of words. I said thank you to you and looked in your eyes while saying it every time we made love from day one. I looked in your eyes and said I love you and I'm in love with you. I told you how smart you are and talented and how much I'm attracted to you. I told you so many positive things during our relationship, but I don't know if you focus your mind on that as much"

... .

She would always tell me to focus on the positive, as if that was so powerful to completely negate anything negative.

And I did for so long, the built-up resentment and rage would eventually explode.

The positive is what reeled me in , no-one in my whole life has been so adoring and caring ... . and eventually I could never enjoy that because I never knew when the emotional rug would be pulled out from under my heart.

... .

My Dad says that if a person has a broken arm, you could see it and understand why and how they function the way they do.

And that when a person has a disordered mind it is no different except that there is no understanding why and how they function the way they do ... . just that the mind is wired how it is and that is that.

Excepting, I don't believe that PDs are something that is 'incurable' or hopeless ... . yet I know that staying would be excruciating with how she has already put me down without justification ... . and now she has far more ammo b/c of our fighting and back and forth.

[Blimblam]

she sounds so charming.

Mine would always use that focus on the positive crap too!  So, if you ever feel upset the problem is you! not them.  That drove me crazy to no end.

[jibber]

My ex used so many similar arguments.

From saying that we need to leave the past behind and never talk about it again, that we can fix everything just by loving each other and not talk about things... .

She tells me she's worried about me, that she loves me so much... .

At the same time she won't aknowledge a single one of the issues we had in the relationship... .

It never ends... .

If you ask yourself honestly: Does this person love me? Does this person care about me? Well, if the answer is yes, then it makes no sense how they treat us.

If you raise honest concerns about the relationship, if you express your emotions and feelings and your needs... . And you never have it aknowledged... . If she talks bad at you and devaluates you, and then later excuses this with things like "you shouldn't take everything so personal!", or "i was just joking!"... .

If i have trust issues because i am not sure if she was really pregnant, or if she just lied to me. If i tell her i can't trust her anymore and it would really help me to see a paper from the doctor she claims she went to, but she always gets angry and avoids the issue... .

If i tell her i can't trust anymore what she says because she told me for 6 months she will go to therapy but never followed through, and her response is: "i don't need a therapy, we just need to hold each other."... .

If you honestly raise issues and your partners response is: "But you know i love you so much, and i am sorry IF i MAYBE hurt you. Don't take things so personal. Blabla... . ", basically ZERO aknowledge for your feelings, shut up and hold her and care for her 24/7, because that's your job, not to have needs yourself!

How much does all this say "i love you"?

If someone loves you this all makes ZERO sense!

If someone likes to have you as a convenience in their life, doesn't really care about you or want to hear about YOUR emotions and needs, then it makes A LOT of sense.

Take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. You will never be allowed a "voice" in this relationship. You're supposed to suck it up and love her "unconditionally".

[Artisan]

More ! I can't make heads or tails of this. She hasn't answered a single one of my questions and I keep getting responses like this!

"I'm sorry for whatever I've done to you now or in the past. I have no idea what questions I didn't answer about Sam. What do you want to know?

I love men. I love people. I love you. I long for deep partnership with my soulmate. I told you that before. My soul can't wait right now. I need to experience deep soul level partnership right now in ways that we shared. And since you aren't here what am I to do? I'm listening to my heart. It's a burning instinctive urge to be with my soulmate. I have waited for you a very long time and all I've heard the whole time is that you aren't ready.

It's been pretty clear for over a year now that you don't like who I am and don't want to be with me. It was your devotion and loyalty that kept you coming back to me. Thank you.

You are a good person with a big heart. I told you that when I met you. I agree that we met each other on levels that were deeply passionate in many ways. I was often so frustrated by communicating with you. You would become so defensive. I never meant things I said as an attack on your character or accusation at all. I've learned to phrase my curiosities in question form.

If I remember right, you weren't happy when I met you. Didn't you feel crappy then? It took you years to get over your other girlfriends and you still don't seem to be over them. You still seem to have a lot of rage and anger towards them.

I don't know what happened. I did listen to you, but it was never in the ways that you wanted. I did my best. I truly believe that you are trapped in victim consciousness. No matter what I say or do to accept responsibility will soothe how you feel. I have apologized many times. I'm unforgiven. Still.

Life is about forgiving everyday and over and over. Especially in deep relationship. Especially when people are in committed partnership like marriage. The past and memories are a prison and illusion of the mind.

I never talk about how you frustrated me with your behavior and communication. I don't feel that I was ever allowed to talk about it. If I did say something you would erupt or become defensive. Then after you would be understanding and promise certain things and then the next day do whatever you want.

At least now I have an expanded view of partnership. I no longer have the fears that I once did just six months ago. I know myself better. I have you to thank for that. I truly thank you for entering into the sacred space of bonding with me.

I have looked at my own baggage the entire relationship. From day one. My stress levels were at an all time high during that period. I've learned to be more self reliant now again. I've learned to make time for Spirit again more regularly. I so easily want to merge with my partner completely. That's natural for me and might be a bit intimidating. I've learned about boundaries. I'm learning to bring out the best of my tendencies and create balance."


I blew up at her and put her emails into auto-delete right after reading this ... . though not before sending off an incendiary full of hurt, rage and disappointment.

I've never felt so confused and unloved.

PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND ?

[jibber]

From my own experience:

There is not much to understand. It'll drive you crazy.

The best is to let it go. Time without her and NC will make you feel more sane again.

What answers would you expect from her if you two kept writing forth and back?

I would guess you would never get any that satisfy you, if at all.

I realized after countless conversations like this with my ex, that i could have said all these words to a wall, or written all these emails to myself, it would have had the same results: No response, no aknowledgement, no changes.

How do you imagine a life with her 50 years from now?

Be happy you got out early!

Like others have said on this site before, the best closure for me was to accept her behaviour and manipulative communication are a mental disorder. It'll drive you crazy trying to make sense of it... . There is none, it's disordered thinking. The sooner you can accept this, the more the urge to "understand" her will fade.

Don't beat yourself up too much.

Peace.

[Blimblam]

I have to admit I would cave.  I would go back if my ex said even half that crap. I would take her back.  I don't know if your lucky or screwed.  I don't know your whole story. it sounds like you at least got an apology that seems sincere.

My ex does not understand what I am even talking about when I try to explain matters of the heart. or how forgivness or any of that works.  It confused the hell out of me.  The only thing she seems to know is manipulation.  She is inarticulate and dumb she has survived by mastering manipulation and nothing more. This realization makes its easier for me in some way I suppose.

On the other hand yours uses all the right words. All the words I wish I heard. I don't know who is luckier you or me.  

[jibber]

If you read between the lines she doesn't understand his concerns. She says sorry but doesn't understand for what. She basically tells him that his concerns are not valid and how he should see things her way because she knows better what's good or bad in a relationship. She's putting all the blame on him.

Not sure if one should feel happy about that.

[antjs]

If you read between the lines she doesn't understand his concerns. She says sorry but doesn't understand for what. She basically tells him that his concerns are not valid and how he should see things her way because she knows better what's good or bad in a relationship. She's putting all the blame on him.

Not sure if one should feel happy about that.

i second you

[Artisan]

What is confusing is that her accusations were false.

She never asked questions ... . she'd accuse me, then when I'd get defensive, use that as justification for her accusations !

And it went downhill ... . where I'd leave to have space and relax ... . and then that was used against me !

If I talked to any female ... . I was accused of F'ing them, having them Su*k my D*ck, and when I'd get angry about this ... . she'd get mad at me for being mad !

She'd tell me to focus on the positive, and I do so much that my resentment and rage built ... .

Nothing I said seemed to matter or alleviate the dramatic dynamic.

At the beginning I brushed everything off and was very understanding and expansive.

As the dynamic continued ... . and got worse ... . I felt beat down and misunderstood.

I hold to the premise that :

A person who loves and respects their mate WILL NOT make false accusations. AND if they do, and the partner clearly explains themself ... . THEY WILL BELIEVE THEM.

I couldn't even talk to my parents about any of this , I'd get screamed at !

I KNOW I am not perfect ; I DO have anger from past relationships ; I admitted all this to her ... . and she USES IT AGAINST ME like in the emails you see above.

All I have done is try to explain how I felt when she is falsely accusing me, screaming at me, calling me not a man, saying I am abusive ... .

HOW THE HELL IS ANY SANE HUMAN GOING TO COPE WITH THAT BY SIMPLY FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE ?

It's like saying ... . Hey, you just drank poison but focus on how tasty the food was that the poison was hiding in. That tasty food will fix everything, there is no poison !

All I have tried to do is understand the dynamic, figure out how to operate within it and love her and NOTHING I did would work.

It was constant eggshells with her, it was a good day when I could do things right ... .

and I never knew when the other aspect would come out. It could happen at anytime for any reason.

It was frightening.

The biggest thing I have tried to talk with her about was the time she was beating herself in the face and screaming I was abusing her.

That was SCARY AS HELL ; I could literally have ended up in jail for something like that.

And she just brushes it off or says it never happened.

I just don't get how to operate with that ... . even with remembering all the positive.

[Artisan]

I feel horrible when I get angry and I respond to her messages with anger.

Yes, her email had a lot of positive in it ... . and at the same time it was completely invalidating.

I raged at her, there is so much fury at HER (not my ex's as she claims ... . at HER) ... . I told her in email that I hate her, to never contact me, and any way she reaches out to communicate with me is a communication channel that will be severed.

This is not an aspect of myself I appreciate.

The only way to protect HER and myself at this point is complete severance.

It's really sad.

I don't want to date, I don't want to be involved with anybody ; I didn't then, and I still don't.

Is it wrong of me to want to blame her for all of this ?

[jibber]

Is it wrong of me to want to blame her for all of this ?

You can blame her for the things you feel in your gut that she did you wrong. One thing i've learned is to trust your instincts and your gut feelings, they are usually quite good at telling you where you were mistreated.

For all of it, unlikely.

A relationship takes two people. I as well played my part in the relationship with my ex. It's healthy to focus on yourself and explore what things came from you and why. Don't let her accusations get to you however, again, follow your gut feelings.

Don't be too hard on yourself, arguments like this can leave you extremely frustrated and its normal you reached your limits and blew up. In the end i raged at my ex a few times, calling her nasty things including ___ you's and that i hate her, etc. It feels horrible i know, but forgive yourself please, it's normal when your frustration reaches the limit.

Sending you all the strenght and calm that is possible.

[Artisan]

Spot on and thank you for calling me on my BS.

It isn't all her fault, nor mine.

It just hurts.