Gifting

[Depression = 72% of members]

I grew up and married into a family where many suffer from personality disorder. I am thinking of seven different people, three have been diagnosed, the others are all difficult people to be around, quick to take insult and slow to forget. One thing they all but one have in common is gifting. They are thoughtful and generous with their gifts. It can be smaller things like a basket of strawberries or flowers or a too extravagant gift for a holiday. All six give Christmas and birthday gifts to many acquaintances and distant relations. Far more than they receive. I was wondering if this is a common behaviour and if so what purpose it serves. It goes way beyond wanting to give someone you care about a special gift.

[Cumulus]

I grew up and married into a family where many suffer from personality disorder. I am thinking of seven different people, three have been diagnosed, the others are all difficult people to be around, quick to take insult and slow to forget. One thing they all but one have in common is gifting. They are thoughtful and generous with their gifts. It can be smaller things like a basket of strawberries or flowers or a too extravagant gift for a holiday. All six give Christmas and birthday gifts to many acquaintances and distant relations. Far more than they receive. I was wondering if this is a common behaviour and if so what purpose it serves. It goes way beyond wanting to give someone you care about a special gift.

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[Red Sky]

Yes, my BPDexgf did exactly this. I think I've mentioned it a few other places. She gave extravagant gifts, very nice and thoughtful ones, to all and sundry. She couldn't wait for you to open them (eg she gave me an Xmas present in October!). She also liked to talk about her gifts. So after receiving one she would often ask you whether you liked it repeatedly. Or tell you how much effort she put into choosing it, how much it cost etc.

My bet is that it is to do with unstable self image. She always liked to be seen as good or supportive in the eyes of others. So I think that it gave her the opportunity to fulfill this role.

[Youcantfoolme]

My brothers BPD wife seems to be quite the gift giver but its bizarre. As a wedding gift she got my brother a Mercedes! It's a car I know he'd never pick on his own accord. Then for Xmas she got my mom a Michael Kors handbag (my mom returned it and got a different one because she couldn't stand the thought of carrying something around that she picked out!). She picks out all the gifts. I got a decorative glass bowl from pier one along with some potpourri ( not the best gift for someone with a walking and curious toddler running around the house). She got my son, cheesy toys that fell apart from a discount store. The. For Mother's Day she made a basket up for my mom of all random cheap items. One of the items was a package of pink napkins! It was so tacky the whole thing. I think depending on who the gift is for they have different reasonings behind it. Obviously the Mercedes for my brother was a control tactic. I know this BPD I particular thinks, giving expensive gifts= she's a good person and should be liked regardless of all the evil things she does. Also when he expensive gifts don't garner the attention and recognition she thinks she deserves, she stops giving a $h!t and gives you gifts based on what she thinks you're worth! I'm pretty sure any and all gifts they give, have some hidden meaning behind them.

[Fanie]

My uBPDw never buys me anything at all for the

past 10 years ? (got used to it though)

She bought me a TV 5 years ago ? a TV, imagine

But in her wardrobe is a 100+ jeans 

BPD is so very different ... .

[JackBlacknBlue]

My upwBPD is very savvy gift giver.  When she wants to get to 'know' someone, she either asks for a favor from them or gives them a small personal gift, something that relates to their interests or hobbies.  If they do the favor, she rewards with a personal gift.  I got loads of these in first year of the friendship.  She even took one of my possessions and gifted it to a mutual friend in front of me, so strong was her compulsion to gift to someone.  Then the gifts turned into things that she herself liked.  Had nothing to do with my tastes.   It mirrored the evolution of the relationship.  At first it was all about her mirroring me and so the gifts both abundant and great.  then the relationship shifted to her needs and the gifts diminished and were about her.  Then I was painted black and the gifts stopped.  Then in recycle mode, I got small gifts again but not on same scale as earlier in relationship. 

Last year, I asked that instead of giving me something for a holiday present, that she make something that is meaningful.  She said that was crap idea.  We compromised in that she wanted store bought items and I wanted something we make.  She told me she asked another person who barely knows me what she should make for me.  The gift was more about that person than it was about me.  I was impressed that she actually did make something however.   

My birthday is next week.  I am very curious to see where on the gift giving spectrum it will fall for her.  I hope nothing shows up.   

[ydrys017]

Interesting question, and it struck a chord with me.  The gifting from my uBPDw has been sort of all over the place during our 16 years of marriage, from simple and frugal socks to an expensive mountain bike - I now just buy my own stuff to alleviate her stress from feeling responsibilities and obligations, but it hasn't helped our r/s.   

[maxsterling]

Interesting.  Last night my GF said she wanted to buy me an ice cream cone for all the nice things I do for her.   Then she asked me if she gives me enough.  The reality?  I've paid for plenty of her personal items over the past year.  And I will surprise her with flowers or something nice from the store.  Other than holiday gifts, she's offered to pay for meals and groceries, and usually makes a deal out of announcing that she did so.  She bought me a pair of sandals last month, and some pajamas, and those were the first non-holiday things she bought for me.  I know money is an issue for her, but I also think she is uncomfortable giving gifts.  Somewhere in there I think is a rejection mechanism at play. 

[Alex86]

It mirrored the evolution of the relationship.  At first it was all about her mirroring me and so the gifts both abundant and great.  then the relationship shifted to her needs and the gifts diminished and were about her.  Then I was painted black and the gifts stopped.  Then in recycle mode, I got small gifts again but not on same scale as earlier in relationship. 

This exactly happened with my uBPDexgf. I'm not used to gifts so it was a really mystery for me.

Gifts were also bought for almost everyone that she knew.

My explanation for this is the following:

They try to persuade themselves and the others that they are "nice". They think it's a way of showing care for the other

person. In this way, they get the invaluable attention they want and they feel lovable.

The rejection is part of this game. They insist on giving your opinion about your gift so as not to feel rejected.

During these moments they sense your every movement, tone of voice etc...

Of course afterwards you are obliged to also give her gifts and remember hers. If you don't then you don't "show your love" for them.

[waverider]

This gifting is not about giving. It is about receiving. They want approval/praise for generosity. So high profile gifting is about them not the receiver. The bigger the fanfare for the least effort the better. Hence rising to the occasion on "formal" events.

Ask yourself do they quietly do something generous, of a more mundane humble nature, with little notice, or does it come with a grand presentation, with immediate enquiry as to whether the receiver loved it.

Same thing can happen with contributing around the house. Produce a roast dinner with all the flourishes and everyone has to seated ready for the presentation vs taking out the bins or cleaning the house without saying anything.

In essence it is giving and contributing for effect and personal reward.

[JackBlacknBlue]

That has been my experience as well.  My friend 'aggrandizes' the gifts when she gives them and then repeatedly asks if someone liked their gifts.  I actually tried to learn that tact from her as I realized that people will perceive to like gifts more if you do what she did. 

[ydrys017]

This gifting is not about giving. It is about receiving. They want approval/praise for generosity. So high profile gifting is about them not the receiver. The bigger the fanfare for the least effort the better. Hence rising to the occasion on "formal" events.

Ask yourself do they quietly do something generous, of a more mundane humble nature, with little notice, or does it come with a grand presentation, with immediate enquiry as to whether the receiver loved it.

Same thing can happen with contributing around the house. Produce a roast dinner with all the flourishes and everyone has to seated ready for the presentation vs taking out the bins or cleaning the house without saying anything.

In essence it is giving and contributing for effect and personal reward.

Wow!  This made me think... .   It is 'spot on'.

[Love Is Not Enough]

In essence it is giving and contributing for effect and personal reward.

Very true and I experience this quite a bit myself. My gf makes a great effort to contribute with things that are convenient for her or that she likes. She loves to cook so she makes almost all of the meals. She does not like to clean so that does not happen as often. We work together and most everything gets done.

Whatever she does she always seems to expect praise for it. I also should add that she is appreciative for the things I do also. I wonder though that if sometimes I go overboard on the praise. Do you think it is unhealthy to give too much praise? Or can you give too much?

It's funny how you end up questioning even the most mundane things when you are in a rs with a pwBPD. You can't figure out what "normal" is anymore. 

[waverider]

Over doing the praise for "token" efforts, sets the benchmark as to what is expected to receive that praise. The efforts then go only as far as tokenism.

eg I used to praise my partner for emptying the dishwasher. In the end she would ring me while I was at work simply to let me know she had emptied the dishwasher, and that was her praise for the day so she need not do anything else in her eyes. Emptying the dishes is not on a par with building the pyramids.

Keep it in balance, be aware this is how it often is, dont get too worked up trying to change things. Accept it and work with it. Something is better than nothing.

Be also aware quite often they can fish for praise based on what they are going to do, sometimes that can be sufficient to fill the need, so the desire to then go on and do whatever it is wanes. Leading to empty promises. 'I'm just about to do... . '=premilking an activity for praise.

[waverider]

I also should add that she is appreciative for the things I do also.

Form of projection, or reverse mirroring,she is demonstrating what she needs from you.

[hergestridge]

Gifting was a very important part of life in my BPDwife's FOO. Cards must be hand made and the gift must be personalized. It is very important for my wife to be a succesful gifter and she is not beyond blaming the person who is to receive the gift for possible failure or disappointment.

One such bizarre thing is that she gather information about the preference of her friends and relatives, and if she fiends out about inconsistencies (or changes of mind) she can become angry and confrontative towards that person; "But you said you liked horror movies! I clearly remember you said so!".

It's like she was trained from a too early age to be the perfect gifter and punished in some cruel way for not suceeding. There's something not quite right about it. Also, she doesn't care if she can't afford the gifts or if she doesn't have the time to buy them. She'll call in sick from work or use the money we'd need for food. And this is for gifts for like my brother's kids who are in their late teens and who barely care or notice.

I don't care for birthdays or gifts. I don't like giving gifts and I don't like getting them and I have told my wife so, but she doesn't care. If she doesn't like what I say she doesn't listen.

[thicker skin]

My partner has been a poor gift giver. We aren't with people for what they can give us, but sometimes, a thoughtful present would have been lovely. My twin died just before our 18th, so,  him doing something nice for me would have been appreciated.

He tends to be a bit of an Indian giver when he does give. He considers the gift to be his to do what he wants with, because he paid for it anyway ( his words ) so it feels more like he's bought himself something and I can borrow it, until he wants it back.

Giving to him makes him angry or suspicious, be it a physical gift, or emotional investment. I've been screamed at for buying him a power tool. He'd mentioned that he needed one, so when my pay check hit the account, I was excited to surprise him with it. It didn't go to plan, needless to say.

He is very suspicious of kind acts and tends not to be kind, because when it all goes wrong, he would have wasted his time or money.

[ydrys017]

I also should add that she is appreciative for the things I do also.

Form of projection, or reverse mirroring,she is demonstrating what she needs from you.

Perhaps I'm mentally exhausted... .   Can you explain this concept a bit, I think I get it but 'reverse mirroring'?

[Love Is Not Enough]

Emptying the dishes is not on a par with building the pyramids.

LMAO   

Thanks for the laugh. I really needed that right now as I am about to enter the ninth circle of hell with her this morning, but that is for a new thread.

You are right though about the praise. Definitely a form of projection and I do accept it. It is not on my radar of concern and I do take what good I can get!

[waverider]

I also should add that she is appreciative for the things I do also.

Form of projection, or reverse mirroring,she is demonstrating what she needs from you.

Perhaps I'm mentally exhausted... .  Can you explain this concept a bit, I think I get it but 'reverse mirroring'?

It is an obsessive version of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". She is trying to get you to mirror her action. As she sees mirroring being an effective way of communication ( I made the term "reverse mirroring" up, its not an offical definition as far as I know).

You not reciprocating can lead to extreme invalidation to her>you are not listening/playing your role>betrayal>anger. You learn to reciprocate over the top praise to keep the peace, The benchmark for handing out over the top praise raises, Neediness increases.

You believe if you hand out praise she will be encouraged to help more, but she is actually learning that she can get her praise fix for doing less.It can even get to a situation where she no longer needs to give you gifts/help out as the praise can be obtained without it. You have been "conditioned" to a one sided situation. Eventually you become resentful

[123Phoebe]

You believe if you hand out praise she will be encouraged to help more, but she is actually learning that she can get her praise fix for doing less.It can even get to a situation where she no longer needs to give you gifts/help out as the praise can be obtained without it. Yo have been "conditioned" to a one sided situation. Eventually you become resentful

This can happen by validating the invalid, our stuff.  And then we blame them for it